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The art of editing Sentences Editing seminar series for research students and advisors Dr Liz Tynan Senior Lecturer and Co-ordinator Research Student Academic Support JCU Graduate Research School Miracle of human communication Ancient Greeks The Ancient Greeks saw the sentence as the largest unit of grammar and the smallest complete utterance. This conception recognises that the human brain takes in information better in some ways than in others. Sentences are completed thoughts. Not just good grammar A well-written sentence that adheres to principles of composition is the best way to absorb information. The qualifier here is ‘well-written’: this does not just mean grammatical. A well-written sentence should contain a single thought or several closely-connected thoughts arranged in a logical pattern that highlights meaning. Meaning is paramount When editing, I not only correct errors of grammar, I also attempt to bring out the meaning of the sentence. I pare back overloading and undue complexity, and attempt to maximise the value of the information. Structure well, but be aware of other problems Sentence structuring principles are still important (such Subject-Verb-Object and Object-Verb-Agent). However, a sentence may be perfectly grammatical and still be inadequate as a vehicle for academic communication. Information delivery system Think about the declarative sentence as an information delivery system… …. that provides the dominant means for making your meaning clear. The language dimension Academic writing is, in a sense, a higher form of journalism – reporting and interpreting the facts. The best academic writers see themselves as communicators, not just gatherers of information. Research is language-based as well as experimental or observational. Alan Sokal and academic language Physicist Alan Sokal struck a blow for clarity of thought, justifiable assertions and clear sentences when he sent a hoax article to the journal Social Text. “Transgressing the Boundaries: Toward a transformative hermeneutics of quantum gravity” famously “[placed] a whoopi cushion under the Supreme Throne of PostModernist Progressive Rectitude.” (Gary Kamiya) Speaking the lingo Sokal assembled genuine quotes to back an extreme form of relativism – that all physical reality is “at bottom a social and linguistic construct”. He used the impenetrable and abstract sentence structures that he believed dominate postmodern theory. Quoted in Intellectual Impostures “When depth of time replaces depths of sensible spaces; when the commutation of interface supplants the delimitation of surfaces; when transparence re-establishes appearances; then we begin to wonder whether that which we insist on calling space isn’t actually light, a subliminary, para-optical light of which sunlight is only one phase or reflection. This light occurs in a duration measured in instantaneous time exposure rather that the historical and chronological passage of time. The time of this instant without duration is ‘exposure time’, be it over- or underexposure. Its photographic and cinematographic technologies already predicted the existence and the time of a continuum stripped of all physical dimensions, in which the quantum of energetic action and the punctum of cinematic observation have suddenly become the last vestiges of a vanished morphological reality. Transferred into the eternal present of a relativity whose topological and teleological thickness and depth belong to this final measuring instrument, this speed of light possesses one direction, which is both its size and dimension and which propagates itself at the same speed in all radial directions that measure the universe.” [Paul Virilio, quoted in Sokal and Bricmont, pp. 164-165] Re the Virilio quote “This paragraph – which in the French original is a single 193-word sentence - … is the most perfect example of diarrhoea of the pen that we have ever encountered. “As far as we can see, it means precisely nothing.” Sokal and Bricmont What sentences need In this negative example, we have a basis for understanding what sentences need to work properly. While the grammar is correct, other problems are evident. Grammar provides the linguistic rules by which we can convey meaning. The capacity for grammar to do this breaks down in the presence of excessive length and complexity of syntax, and extreme abstraction or use of jargon. Complexity and abstraction named and shamed Denis Dutton, instigator of the Bad Academic Writing competition, was editor of Philosophy and Literature. He grew weary of the poor writing that landed on his desk every week. The award ran between 1996 and 1998. In those years, Dutton made strong points about the need for clarity of expression. He abhorred poor forms of communication in the academic work. 1996 winner “Indeed dialectical critical realism may be seen under the aspect of Foucauldian strategic reversal — of the unholy trinity of Parmenidean/Platonic/Aristotelean provenance; of the CartesianLockean-Humean-Kantian paradigm, of foundationalisms (in practice, fideistic foundationalisms) and irrationalisms (in practice, capricious exercises of the will-to-power or some other ideologically and/or psychosomatically buried source) new and old alike; of the primordial failing of western philosophy, ontological monovalence, and its close ally, the epistemic fallacy with its ontic dual; of the analytic problematic laid down by Plato, which Hegel served only to replicate in his actualist monovalent analytic reinstatement in transfigurative reconciling dialectical connection, while in his hubristic claims for absolute idealism he inaugurated the Comtean, Kierkegaardian and Nietzschean eclipses of reason, replicating the fundaments of positivism through its transmutation route to the superidealism of a Baudrillard. [130 words. Roy Bhaskar’s Plato etc: The Problems of Philosophy and Their Resolution] Unreasonable demands We cannot follow this thought all the way through. Therefore, this sentence is a failure of communication. Apart from sentence length, the accumulated abstractions would tax even the most enthusiastic reader. Endlessly joining together phrases and clauses is a marker of poor sentence structure. Every time you add a clause or an adjunct phrase, you are placing a demand on your reader. Be sure that those demands are not unreasonable. From Strunk and White “If those who have studied the art of writing are in accord on any one point, it is this: the surest way to arouse and hold the reader’s attention is by being specific, definite and concrete.” Soothing contrast “Telomeres are specialized functional complexes that protect the ends of eukaryotic chromosomes.” [12 words. From Elizabeth Blackburn, “Switching and Signalling at the Telomere”, 2001] Why does this sentence work? This 12-word declarative sentence sets the context and contains concrete and specific detail. Grammatical subject: ‘telomeres’, links directly to finite copulative verb ‘are’, followed by a sub-ordinate clause introduced by the relative pronoun ‘that’. Information is conveyed in a linear manner. The reader can see the sentence’s grammatical connections and is therefore able to follow it. Observe the overall effect of this sentence: the meaning is made visible by its simple and direct grammar. Signposting The sentence creates a signpost, preparing the reader for the information that is to follow. The rest of the paragraph is made up of a pleasing mixture of sentence lengths. No individual sentence exceeds 30 words. Your combination of sentences in a paragraph should be thought through and coherent. Theme sentences Your theme sentence, like our telomeres example, should be clear and concise. I propose that it should not exceed 25 words. A firm word limit can be a useful framework, so look closely at the first sentences of paragraphs and count words. As George Orwell said, ‘break this rule sooner than say anything barbaric’. Rigid adherence to a word limit is useless and ridiculous if it creates a sentence that doesn’t convey meaning. However, in focusing on the number of words, you also focus on ensuring that each word has earned its place. After the theme sentence The remaining sentences: between five and 50 words, though both extremes should be rare. A five-word sentence will snap your reader to attention and prepare them for an important statement to follow. A 50-word sentence will generally contain a list of some kind. Most of your sentences will keep clear of these outer limits. Sentence structure rundown While English sentences have various basic functions, including asking questions or issuing orders, the declarative sentence (also known as indicative sentence) makes a statement. These sentences exist to show the interrelationship of nouns: what those nouns do and what happens to those nouns. Nouns Nouns carry substance and meaning. The central grammatical roles for nouns are the ‘subject’ and the ‘object’. Knowing this is helpful in constructing informative sentences. Placing the grammatical subject at the start of a sentence is one way of efficiently delivering written information. Simplest declarative sentence The simplest declarative English sentence is ‘subject–verb’: a noun and a verb only. The grammatical ‘subject’ of a sentence is fundamental to making meaning. In effect, the sentence is about the subject. Consider the syntactical relationship in this sentence: Maxine reads. This is grammatically correct and contains a subject (‘Maxine’) and a verb (‘reads’). We have created new meaning through the two words in a relationship to each other. SVO The classical sentence construction in English is the ‘subject– verb–object ’ sentence, often shortened to SVO. For example: Maxine reads a book. The verb ‘reads’ connects the topic of sentence, ‘Maxine’, to the thing being acted upon, ‘a book’. This (direct) object is also known as the predicate, the comment or (in classical terms) the ‘accusative case’. We now have a relationship between the subject and object, based upon action taken by the subject. This relationship is the essence of the declarative sentence. Identify the grammatical subject Subjects can have more than one element and you will need to recognise a plural subject. For example in this sentence: The conference and associated workshops will be held in June. ….the subject is ‘The conference and associated workshops’. Also the subject is not necessarily the first thing you read in a sentence. For example, in this sentence: After visiting her suppliers, the managing director returned to the showroom. ….the subject is ‘the managing director’. Key words as subjects Think about your key word/s – the words that carry the substance of the sentence (e.g. ‘telomeres’). Place them at or near the start of the sentence. Ensure that the relationship between the grammatical subject and its finite verb is shown clearly… …and that interference between the subject and verb is eliminated or kept to a minimum. More complicated sentences SVO sentence ‘Maxine reads the book’ (and passive equivalent ‘The book is read by Maxine’): a simple sentence containing a single clause. Clause: a group of words containing a grammatical subject and object that may form a simple sentence or part of a bigger sentence. More complicated structures include: complex sentences—containing a main clause and one or more attached subordinate clause/s compound sentences—containing clauses of equal grammatical status compound-complex sentences—containing two or more main clauses and one or more subordinate clauses. Purpose of different structures Different sentence structures enable conceptual connections between the information or ideas to be made coherent. A simple sentence does not always enable these connections. We need to select a suitable structure to make these relationships clear. Complex sentence Complex sentences contain a main clause and a subordinate clause. The subordinate clause adds information and assists in making relationships between facts clear. This sentence forms a hierarchy of information and shows the relative importance of the facts. Subordinate clauses join the main clause in several ways: e.g. subordinating conjunction ( ‘because’) or relative pronoun (‘which’). In this example the underlined subordinate clause is joined to the main clause by a subordinating conjunction (‘though’): Smith and Jones Textiles in Dubbo will supply the uniforms, though not before 30 June. Compound sentence Compound sentences make connections between information of equal value by joining complete sentences using coordinating conjunctions (‘and’, ‘but’ and ‘or’): Smith and Jones Textiles in Dubbo will supply the uniforms and we expect to source VIP gifts from this company as well. Both clauses can stand alone grammatically, once you remove the ‘and’. Compound sentences may also be joined by adverbs such as ‘however’, which are often used before a semicolon. For example: Smith and Jones Textiles in Dubbo will supply the uniforms; however, we will have to use our old uniforms for the product launch in May. Compound/complex sentences Compound-complex sentences have elements of both compound and complex sentences: Smith and Jones Textiles in Dubbo will supply the uniforms and we expect to source VIP gifts from this company as well, though we will spend less on gifts this year. Don’t go mad with clauses Try to limit your sentences to no more than three clauses. Complex and compound sentences are most useful when they form strong bonds between several important facts. They are less effective when they string together large amounts of barely related information. Avoid this: Smith and Jones Textiles in Dubbo will supply the uniforms and we expect to source VIP gifts from this company as well, though we will spend less on gifts this year and plan to hold our Christmas party in a new venue during the second half of December, although no plans have been finalised and won’t be until the CEO completes her report, which we expect in November. Writing tips Avoid using ‘with’ to start a sentence X: With recent surveys it has been shown that pollution has increased. √: Recent surveys have shown an increase in pollution. Avoid using ‘with’ as a conjunction X: Temperatures were taken daily, with water samples taken every week. √: Temperatures were taken daily and water samples were taken every week. Tips continued Don’t use with when you mean and or because X: With his teeth falling out, he went to the dentist. √: Because his teeth were falling out, he went to the dentist. Avoid overuse of Use X: Capture of marine whosits is achieved by using nets and wire hoops. √: Marine whosits are caught in nets and wire hoops. X: Wood and plastic are also used by some experimenters as a means to control excess radiation. √: Excess radiation has been contained by wood and plastic. [Note here the change in the grammatical subject, making ‘excess radiation’ more prominent than ‘wood and plastic’.] Tips continued Avoid too many prepositional phrases: X: It is a matter of the gravest possible importance to the health of anyone with a history of a problem with disease of the heart that he or she should avoid the sort of foods with a high percentage of saturated fats. √: Anyone with a history of heart disease should avoid saturated fats. Editing a sentence Original: Much ink had been spilled on the literature and many research works have been conducted on the intractable conflict of Incognita, however there are rarely empirical works, which substantially analyse and addresses the burning issues of the Incognita conflict as a whole but at the same time, verifies and examines the authenticity and reality of the issues by focusing terrorism and conflict as two different challenges. [66 words] Diagnosis and correction 66 words is too long. Should we divide it into two or more sentences, or remove words but retain the single thought of the original sentence? This sentence contains many clauses, and is an example of a compound/complex sentence. Grammatical errors include incorrect use of the preposition ‘on’ in the first line and ‘of’ in the second – they should both be ‘in’. The clause ‘and many research works have been conducted…’ is awkwardly expressed. Problem with S-V agreement in the clause ‘which substantially analyse and addresses the burning issues…” The overall effect: the sentence is confused and hard to follow. Potential rewrite The intractable conflict in Incognita has been subject to considerable research, though most literature on the subject has not provided a complete analysis. Terrorism and conflict in Incognita are two separate issues demanding empirical research to verify and examine the underlying causes of each. First sentence: 23 words Second sentence: 21 words Liz’s tips for editing sentences Check the grammar of the sentence. Can you see an SVO (or passive equivalent) structure, whether your sentence is simple, compound or complex? If necessary, restructure the grammar of the sentence for correctness. Count the number of words. Do not exceed 25 words for a theme sentence. The other sentences may range from five to 50 words, with either extreme being unusual. Check how many clauses the sentence contains. If there are four or more, reconsider the sentence structure. Can you divide the sentence into two or more sentences? Liz’s editing tips continued What is this sentence actually about? Can you place the main key word at the start, as the grammatical subject? Check for a finite verb (one that can be inflected for past, present or future). Does it have a close relationship to the grammatical subject? Does the sentence have a lot of prepositional phrases? If so, can you restructure the sentence? Liz’s editing tips continued Is the point of the sentence understandable by the target reader on first reading? Ensure that the sentence conveys clearly and accurately the main point. Have you avoided common pitfalls, including comma splices and dangling participles? Is the vocabulary justifiable based upon the readership? Does it contain technical vocabulary rather than jargon? Are all the grammatical relationships in the sentence completely clear? That is, does the subject relate clearly to its verb, and do the various clauses create strong bonds? Getting into the spirit Remember the spirit of the declarative sentence… ….which has come down to us from Ancient Greece and which should inform your attempts to achieve clear communication. Your sentence should contain a completed thought, one that is not unduly complicated, jargon laden or difficult to understand. A final thought “I like to edit my sentences as I write them. I rearrange a sentence many times before moving on to the next one. For me, that editing process feels like a form of play, like a puzzle that needs solving, and it's one of the most satisfying parts of writing.” American author Karen Thompson Walker