Download JN2/3200 Public Relations JCU 2007

The art of editing
Sentences
Editing seminar series for research students and advisors
Dr Liz Tynan
Senior Lecturer and Co-ordinator Research Student Academic Support
JCU Graduate Research School
Miracle of human communication
Ancient Greeks

The Ancient Greeks saw the
sentence as the largest unit of
grammar and the smallest complete
utterance.

This conception recognises that the
human brain takes in information
better in some ways than in others.

Sentences are completed thoughts.
Not just good grammar

A well-written sentence that adheres to principles of
composition is the best way to absorb information.

The qualifier here is ‘well-written’: this does not just
mean grammatical.

A well-written sentence should contain a single
thought or several closely-connected thoughts
arranged in a logical pattern that highlights meaning.
Meaning is paramount

When editing, I not only correct errors of
grammar, I also attempt to bring out the
meaning of the sentence.

I pare back overloading and undue
complexity, and attempt to maximise the value
of the information.
Structure well, but be aware of other problems

Sentence structuring principles are still
important (such Subject-Verb-Object and
Object-Verb-Agent).

However, a sentence may be perfectly
grammatical and still be inadequate as a
vehicle for academic communication.
Information delivery system

Think about the declarative sentence as
an information delivery system…

…. that provides the dominant means for
making your meaning clear.
The language dimension

Academic writing is, in a sense, a higher form of
journalism – reporting and interpreting the facts.

The best academic writers see themselves as
communicators, not just gatherers of information.

Research is language-based as well as
experimental or observational.
Alan Sokal and academic language

Physicist Alan Sokal struck a blow for
clarity of thought, justifiable assertions
and clear sentences when he sent a
hoax article to the journal Social Text.

“Transgressing the Boundaries:
Toward a transformative
hermeneutics of quantum gravity”
famously “[placed] a whoopi cushion
under the Supreme Throne of PostModernist Progressive Rectitude.”
(Gary Kamiya)
Speaking the lingo

Sokal assembled genuine quotes
to back an extreme form of
relativism – that all physical
reality is “at bottom a social and
linguistic construct”.

He used the impenetrable and
abstract sentence structures that
he believed dominate
postmodern theory.
Quoted in Intellectual Impostures

“When depth of time replaces depths of sensible spaces; when the commutation of
interface supplants the delimitation of surfaces; when transparence re-establishes
appearances; then we begin to wonder whether that which we insist on calling
space isn’t actually light, a subliminary, para-optical light of which sunlight is only
one phase or reflection. This light occurs in a duration measured in instantaneous
time exposure rather that the historical and chronological passage of time. The
time of this instant without duration is ‘exposure time’, be it over- or underexposure. Its photographic and cinematographic technologies already predicted
the existence and the time of a continuum stripped of all physical dimensions, in
which the quantum of energetic action and the punctum of cinematic observation
have suddenly become the last vestiges of a vanished morphological reality.
Transferred into the eternal present of a relativity whose topological and
teleological thickness and depth belong to this final measuring instrument, this
speed of light possesses one direction, which is both its size and dimension and
which propagates itself at the same speed in all radial directions that measure the
universe.” [Paul Virilio, quoted in Sokal and Bricmont, pp. 164-165]
Re the Virilio quote

“This paragraph – which in the French
original is a single 193-word sentence - … is
the most perfect example of diarrhoea of
the pen that we have ever encountered.

“As far as we can see, it means precisely
nothing.”

Sokal and Bricmont
What sentences need

In this negative example, we have a basis for
understanding what sentences need to work properly.

While the grammar is correct, other problems are evident.

Grammar provides the linguistic rules by which we can
convey meaning.

The capacity for grammar to do this breaks down in the
presence of excessive length and complexity of syntax, and
extreme abstraction or use of jargon.
Complexity and abstraction named and shamed

Denis Dutton, instigator of the Bad Academic
Writing competition, was editor of Philosophy
and Literature.

He grew weary of the poor writing that landed
on his desk every week.

The award ran between 1996 and 1998.

In those years, Dutton made strong points
about the need for clarity of expression.

He abhorred poor forms of communication in
the academic work.
1996 winner

“Indeed dialectical critical realism may be seen under the aspect of
Foucauldian strategic reversal — of the unholy trinity of
Parmenidean/Platonic/Aristotelean provenance; of the CartesianLockean-Humean-Kantian paradigm, of foundationalisms (in practice,
fideistic foundationalisms) and irrationalisms (in practice, capricious
exercises of the will-to-power or some other ideologically and/or psychosomatically buried source) new and old alike; of the primordial failing of
western philosophy, ontological monovalence, and its close ally, the
epistemic fallacy with its ontic dual; of the analytic problematic laid down
by Plato, which Hegel served only to replicate in his actualist monovalent
analytic reinstatement in transfigurative reconciling dialectical connection,
while in his hubristic claims for absolute idealism he inaugurated the
Comtean, Kierkegaardian and Nietzschean eclipses of reason, replicating
the fundaments of positivism through its transmutation route to the
superidealism of a Baudrillard. [130 words. Roy Bhaskar’s Plato etc: The Problems of
Philosophy and Their Resolution]
Unreasonable demands

We cannot follow this thought all the way through.

Therefore, this sentence is a failure of communication.

Apart from sentence length, the accumulated abstractions
would tax even the most enthusiastic reader.

Endlessly joining together phrases and clauses is a marker
of poor sentence structure.

Every time you add a clause or an adjunct phrase, you are
placing a demand on your reader.

Be sure that those demands are not unreasonable.
From Strunk and White

“If those who have studied the
art of writing are in accord on
any one point, it is this: the
surest way to arouse and hold
the reader’s attention is by
being specific, definite and
concrete.”
Soothing contrast

“Telomeres are specialized
functional complexes that
protect the ends of
eukaryotic chromosomes.”

[12 words. From Elizabeth Blackburn,
“Switching and Signalling at the
Telomere”, 2001]
Why does this sentence work?

This 12-word declarative sentence sets the context and
contains concrete and specific detail.

Grammatical subject: ‘telomeres’, links directly to finite
copulative verb ‘are’, followed by a sub-ordinate clause
introduced by the relative pronoun ‘that’.

Information is conveyed in a linear manner. The reader can
see the sentence’s grammatical connections and is therefore
able to follow it.

Observe the overall effect of this sentence: the meaning
is made visible by its simple and direct grammar.
Signposting

The sentence creates a signpost, preparing the
reader for the information that is to follow.

The rest of the paragraph is made up of a
pleasing mixture of sentence lengths. No
individual sentence exceeds 30 words.

Your combination of sentences in a paragraph
should be thought through and coherent.
Theme sentences

Your theme sentence, like our telomeres example, should be
clear and concise. I propose that it should not exceed 25 words.

A firm word limit can be a useful framework, so look closely at
the first sentences of paragraphs and count words.

As George Orwell said, ‘break this rule sooner than say
anything barbaric’.

Rigid adherence to a word limit is useless and ridiculous if it
creates a sentence that doesn’t convey meaning.

However, in focusing on the number of words, you also focus on
ensuring that each word has earned its place.
After the theme sentence

The remaining sentences: between five and 50
words, though both extremes should be rare.

A five-word sentence will snap your reader to
attention and prepare them for an important
statement to follow.

A 50-word sentence will generally contain a list of
some kind.

Most of your sentences will keep clear of these
outer limits.
Sentence structure rundown

While English sentences have various basic
functions, including asking questions or issuing
orders, the declarative sentence (also known
as indicative sentence) makes a statement.

These sentences exist to show the
interrelationship of nouns: what those nouns do
and what happens to those nouns.
Nouns

Nouns carry substance and meaning.

The central grammatical roles for nouns are
the ‘subject’ and the ‘object’.

Knowing this is helpful in constructing
informative sentences.

Placing the grammatical subject at the start
of a sentence is one way of efficiently
delivering written information.
Simplest declarative sentence


The simplest declarative English sentence is ‘subject–verb’: a
noun and a verb only.
The grammatical ‘subject’ of a sentence is fundamental to
making meaning. In effect, the sentence is about the subject.
Consider the syntactical relationship in this sentence:


Maxine reads.


This is grammatically correct and contains a subject (‘Maxine’)
and a verb (‘reads’). We have created new meaning through
the two words in a relationship to each other.
SVO

The classical sentence construction in English is the ‘subject–
verb–object ’ sentence, often shortened to SVO. For example:


Maxine reads a book.


The verb ‘reads’ connects the topic of sentence, ‘Maxine’, to the
thing being acted upon, ‘a book’.

This (direct) object is also known as the predicate, the comment
or (in classical terms) the ‘accusative case’.

We now have a relationship between the subject and object,
based upon action taken by the subject.

This relationship is the essence of the declarative sentence.
Identify the grammatical subject

Subjects can have more than one element and you will need to
recognise a plural subject. For example in this sentence:

The conference and associated workshops will be held in
June.

….the subject is ‘The conference and associated workshops’.

Also the subject is not necessarily the first thing you read in a
sentence. For example, in this sentence:

After visiting her suppliers, the managing director returned
to the showroom.

….the subject is ‘the managing director’.
Key words as subjects

Think about your key word/s – the words that carry
the substance of the sentence (e.g. ‘telomeres’).

Place them at or near the start of the sentence.

Ensure that the relationship between the
grammatical subject and its finite verb is shown
clearly…

…and that interference between the subject and
verb is eliminated or kept to a minimum.
More complicated sentences

SVO sentence ‘Maxine reads the book’ (and passive equivalent ‘The
book is read by Maxine’): a simple sentence containing a single clause.

Clause: a group of words containing a grammatical subject and object
that may form a simple sentence or part of a bigger sentence.

More complicated structures include:

complex sentences—containing a main clause and one or more
attached subordinate clause/s

compound sentences—containing clauses of equal grammatical status

compound-complex sentences—containing two or more main clauses
and one or more subordinate clauses.
Purpose of different structures

Different sentence structures enable
conceptual connections between the
information or ideas to be made coherent.

A simple sentence does not always enable
these connections.

We need to select a suitable structure to
make these relationships clear.
Complex sentence

Complex sentences contain a main clause and a subordinate clause.

The subordinate clause adds information and assists in making
relationships between facts clear.

This sentence forms a hierarchy of information and shows the relative
importance of the facts.

Subordinate clauses join the main clause in several ways: e.g.
subordinating conjunction ( ‘because’) or relative pronoun (‘which’).

In this example the underlined subordinate clause is joined to the main
clause by a subordinating conjunction (‘though’):


Smith and Jones Textiles in Dubbo will supply the uniforms, though not before 30 June.
Compound sentence

Compound sentences make connections between information of equal
value by joining complete sentences using coordinating conjunctions
(‘and’, ‘but’ and ‘or’):


Smith and Jones Textiles in Dubbo will supply the uniforms and we
expect to source VIP gifts from this company as well.



Both clauses can stand alone grammatically, once you remove the ‘and’.
Compound sentences may also be joined by adverbs such as ‘however’,
which are often used before a semicolon. For example:


Smith and Jones Textiles in Dubbo will supply the uniforms; however,
we will have to use our old uniforms for the product launch in May.
Compound/complex sentences

Compound-complex sentences have elements of both
compound and complex sentences:


Smith and Jones Textiles in Dubbo will supply the
uniforms and we expect to source VIP gifts from
this company as well, though we will spend less on
gifts this year.
Don’t go mad with clauses



Try to limit your sentences to no more than three
clauses.
Complex and compound sentences are most useful when
they form strong bonds between several important facts.
They are less effective when they string together large
amounts of barely related information. Avoid this:



Smith and Jones Textiles in Dubbo will supply the uniforms and we expect to
source VIP gifts from this company as well, though we will spend less on gifts
this year and plan to hold our Christmas party in a new venue during the second
half of December, although no plans have been finalised and won’t be until the
CEO completes her report, which we expect in November.
Writing tips



Avoid using ‘with’ to start a sentence
X: With recent surveys it has been shown that pollution
has increased.
√: Recent surveys have shown an increase in pollution.




Avoid using ‘with’ as a conjunction
X: Temperatures were taken daily, with water samples
taken every week.
√: Temperatures were taken daily and water samples
were taken every week.
Tips continued

Don’t use with when you mean and or because

X: With his teeth falling out, he went to the dentist.

√: Because his teeth were falling out, he went to the dentist.


Avoid overuse of Use

X: Capture of marine whosits is achieved by using nets and wire hoops.

√: Marine whosits are caught in nets and wire hoops.


X: Wood and plastic are also used by some experimenters as a means to
control excess radiation.

√: Excess radiation has been contained by wood and plastic.

[Note here the change in the grammatical subject, making ‘excess radiation’ more
prominent than ‘wood and plastic’.]
Tips continued



Avoid too many prepositional phrases:
X: It is a matter of the gravest possible importance to
the health of anyone with a history of a problem with
disease of the heart that he or she should avoid the
sort of foods with a high percentage of saturated fats.
√: Anyone with a history of heart disease should
avoid saturated fats.
Editing a sentence
Original:
 Much ink had been spilled on the literature
and many research works have been
conducted on the intractable conflict of
Incognita, however there are rarely empirical
works, which substantially analyse and
addresses the burning issues of the Incognita
conflict as a whole but at the same time,
verifies and examines the authenticity and
reality of the issues by focusing terrorism and
conflict as two different challenges. [66 words]
Diagnosis and correction

66 words is too long.

Should we divide it into two or more sentences, or remove words but
retain the single thought of the original sentence?

This sentence contains many clauses, and is an example of a
compound/complex sentence.

Grammatical errors include incorrect use of the preposition ‘on’ in
the first line and ‘of’ in the second – they should both be ‘in’.

The clause ‘and many research works have been conducted…’ is
awkwardly expressed.

Problem with S-V agreement in the clause ‘which substantially
analyse and addresses the burning issues…”

The overall effect: the sentence is confused and hard to follow.
Potential rewrite

The intractable conflict in Incognita has been
subject to considerable research, though most
literature on the subject has not provided a
complete analysis. Terrorism and conflict in
Incognita are two separate issues demanding
empirical research to verify and examine the
underlying causes of each.

First sentence: 23 words
Second sentence: 21 words

Liz’s tips for editing sentences

Check the grammar of the sentence. Can you see an
SVO (or passive equivalent) structure, whether your
sentence is simple, compound or complex? If necessary,
restructure the grammar of the sentence for correctness.

Count the number of words. Do not exceed 25 words
for a theme sentence. The other sentences may range
from five to 50 words, with either extreme being unusual.

Check how many clauses the sentence contains. If
there are four or more, reconsider the sentence structure.
Can you divide the sentence into two or more sentences?
Liz’s editing tips continued

What is this sentence actually about? Can you
place the main key word at the start, as the
grammatical subject?

Check for a finite verb (one that can be inflected
for past, present or future). Does it have a close
relationship to the grammatical subject?

Does the sentence have a lot of prepositional
phrases? If so, can you restructure the sentence?
Liz’s editing tips continued

Is the point of the sentence understandable by the
target reader on first reading? Ensure that the sentence
conveys clearly and accurately the main point.

Have you avoided common pitfalls, including comma
splices and dangling participles?

Is the vocabulary justifiable based upon the
readership? Does it contain technical vocabulary rather
than jargon?

Are all the grammatical relationships in the sentence
completely clear? That is, does the subject relate clearly
to its verb, and do the various clauses create strong bonds?
Getting into the spirit

Remember the spirit of the declarative
sentence…

….which has come down to us from
Ancient Greece and which should
inform your attempts to achieve clear
communication.

Your sentence should contain a
completed thought, one that is not
unduly complicated, jargon laden or
difficult to understand.
A final thought

“I like to edit my sentences as
I write them. I rearrange a
sentence many times before
moving on to the next one.
For me, that editing process
feels like a form of play, like a
puzzle that needs solving,
and it's one of the most
satisfying parts of writing.”

American author Karen Thompson Walker