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Notes
Early in this piece you try to cram too much detail into a number of sentences. Sometimes
this results in a sentence problem, such as a run-on sentence, or it simply gets so
convoluted that you lose yourself in its complexity. I would expect that you want to be
able to write in that style and we can work toward that goal during the remainder of the
term.
You will also note that I argue with your logic in a few instances. I do so to help you
visualize how a potential audience might react negatively to your text. You MUST be
certain that what you write can stand on its own. That means anticipating
counter-arguments and disarming them in your text. Remember that you will not be there
to interpret or defend your position once your text is "published." There are no "road
shows" for documents.
Rationale for Rewrite
The original article focused on a specific audience of English teachers and people in education
who are involved in change and implementation of the language arts curriculum. Addressing this
audience gives the author certain opportunities not available in addressing a broader, more general
audience. Based on the information's L3 importance, I addressed my rewrite to a broader audience that
would include anyone who was interested in education and issues in education including parents,
community members, and those interested in (redundant) current social issues. This audience would not
be as informed about specific terms, however, L20, S10 and would not need the specific (sp) facts of L5
(about) how the issue affected a particular subject area.
The first (original) article's L3 specialized audience affected the style and tone in terms of the
author was able to use L4, L13, S6 more technical terms and jargon that indicative of the field of English
teachers L3. (I'm not sure what this sentence means; I think it breaks down in the first highlighted area.
Perhaps: Since the original article addresses English teachers, its style and tone allows more technical
terms and jargon.) The specific address of how gender studies in the classroom and the specific affects on
the English classroom indicate that the author assumes the audience is aware of the issue and is already
familiar with certain reports and findings. L16, L18 (Okay, I do see that you have a compound subject
that use the verb indicates. But, the connections logic escapes me. What does an "address" indicate? Does
this mean: Specific references to studies of gender issues in classrooms, especially English classrooms
(that's a real stretch), indicates that the author assumes some sophisticated audience knowledge. Is that
it?) In the writing style, they L19 (who? You've said author until now.) adopt a style (redundant) L5 that
makes the audience feel a sense of community, as if they have experienced similar situations. In the
rewrite a more general audience was L1 addressed; L21, S11, L18 (clearly a run-on sentence) therefore, I
included L1 definitions for terms that were traditionally only used in schools and a summary tone was
used to keep the audience interested in a relevant issue and not feel bogged down in terminology and
specific plans that are only relevant to educators.L3, L4, L5 (50 word sentence with lots of problems in
it.) (Is this what you mean: The rewrite addresses a more general audience; therefore, I define scholarly
terms and use a summary--whatever that is?-- tone to avoid confusing or boring my audience.)
The original article was organized with subject headers and bullets, highlighting specific topics so
the information was easier (implies comparative, what is it compared to?) (easy) to skim. Since the
rewrite, L20, S10 (a comma between subject and verb?) was a general summary and questioning of how
this what(?) will be addressed in the future (Does this mean: Since the rewrite summarized and questioned
how gender issues will be addressed in the future), no headings were used as the information built upon
itself (How would you characterize "built upon itself?) and was arranged in a spatial and chronological
order. (If it does build upon itself, why is it organized in two ways--spatial and temporal?)
Rewrite of A Historical Perspective on Gender
The Feminist movement had a profound effect on education during the (1980s?) eighties and
nineties. Schools that had traditionally, yet unconsciously, been male centered and dominated were
suddenly (20 years is not quite suddenly, wouldn't you agree?) made aware of the injustice that was being
served L5 inflicted upon (?) female students (?) through publications like Failing at Fairness: How
Our Schools Cheat Girls,
“Gender Equity in the Classroom: The Unfinished Agenda”, and the study
by the American Association of University Women. L18 (Again, a relatively long sentence that has lots of
potential for losing your reader. Another aspect you might consider is the fact that the sentence still makes
it sound like the publications created the injustice. Can you think of ways to fix that problem?) These
studies emphasized L5 the issue of gender bias and its effect on female self-esteem that begins in grade
school and continues throughout their educational career. These reports highlighted the areas that needed
revision and as a result, programs were implemented in classrooms across the nation to change the way
females were perceived and to encourage girls in areas that were traditionally considered male (This is a
much better sentence than the previous ones.). English classrooms infused the traditional literary canon
with female authors and feminine styles and worked to make students aware that the traditional “male” or
academic style of writing (I'm not certain I follow your logic here. Are you saying that an academic
writing style is male?) was not the only correct form. Meanwhile, teachers of science and mathematics
focused on providing more opportunities for females interested in the sciences and destroying the
stereotype that only boys are good at math and science, while girls are best suited to the more emotional
subjects like literature and the arts. Very nice!
However, the buzzwords that controlled education in the early nineties have been replaced with
a new focus on multiculturalism and other hot contemporary (?) topics. As this change in focus has
occurred, simultaneously a new age of feminism has arisen. This new age of feminism has created a
different type of girl (Don't you object to this term?) and a new feminist. Time magazine recently
focused attention on these new feminists with its cover story, “Is Feminism Dead?”, that featured such
noted feminists as Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan along side the nineties answer to feminism in the
television character of Ally McBeal. (Once again, a kind of odd logic. Two real people and a television
character?)
Not only do girls have the media image of Ally and other “images of grown single women
as frazzled, self-absorbed girls” to model themselves after, but they are being fed a steady diet of
characters such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the Spice Girls, and “riot grrls”. From these glitzy,
beautiful, butt kicking characters, adolescent girls are supposed to find a model to imitate that embodies
the strong, independent ideals feminists of the sixties and seventies envisioned for an age as supposedly
as enlightened as the years approaching the millennium should be. (Nice critique in these last few
sentences. But, you start down a useful path that I think you drop too soon. Your introduction to your
discussion of these potential role models makes it clear that these are media constructs and not "reality."
But, you don't go after the culprit in this equation: the media.) Such new models as these make one
question the success of the feminist movement and education’s role in it. Where did feminism in
education begin and how did the hype that dominated the early nineties come to be lost and finally found
in a new incarnation of the feminists in the later nineties.
Education has always been the foundation of eradicating prejudice from our society. The effort
to rid our society of gender discrimination is an excellent example of these efforts. Society generally
defines the feminist movement in terms of three waves or movements. The first wave began in the
1800’s with the Seneca Falls Women’s Rights Convention and ended with the 1920 enactment of the
Suffrage Bill. During the sixties, the second wave of feminism pushed women’s issues again into the
national spotlight with such events as President Kennedy’s creation of the President’s Commission on the
Status of Women in 1961, the publication of such books as Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique, and
the inception of the National Organization for Women n 1966. While some say the second wave
continues today, others address a third wave that is happening concurrently with the second wave. This
third wave focuses on the critiques by under thirty feminists who find the ideology and methodology of
second wave feminists disagreeable and irrelevant. The problem faced by feminists as their movement
grew and changed, however, was the issue that many women felt that the movement did not address them
or their concerns. As schools have to address the concerns and issues of all types of children, the
feminist movement and the schools had to revamp not only their definitions, but their plans for
implementing change. Good stuff! Well written. Maybe you're one of those writers who has to warm to
their topic. The earlier part was a little weak, but this is much, much better!
Feminism had to redefine itself when women of color, other cultures, and backgrounds objected
to the movement that had been created by the white, middle-class educated females who had to this point
led the push L5 (effort) for change. Feminists came to understand that just because one is female does
not mean that the experiences of the sex are universal; L18 many elements (characteristics) L5 beside
gender determine the events that happen to a person. As a result of this realization, instead of having one
movement defined as feminism, many new categories within the movement were created such as liberal
feminism, radical feminism, black feminism, and postmodern feminism among others. As the
parameters of the movement changed, schools began new programs to incorporate the new differences
being introduced and also to realize other areas that had thus far been neglected such as the addition of
new cultures into the community of the school. About this time, feminism was suffering from strong
public resistance to the movement. The media and many people in society began to blame feminists for
every social L3 problem and a very vocal group of other women came to society’s attention with claims
they had never felt discriminated against. They did not want equality with men, did not want to work,
and had no desire to get involved in politics and the public world. So, coupled with this new trend in
society’s attitude toward feminism and a new focus on the addition of various cultures to previously
single race or integrated school communities, the educational system focused its attentions on a new
target, multiculturalism.
Multiculturalism, the term used for integrating all cultural differences and the diversity presented
by them into one classroom, was the buzzword of the later nineties. The women who objected to the
white, middle class feminism that had previously been focused on now had the opportunity to be
addressed, not just as women, but through all of the issues that were relevant to them.
And, the new
cultures that were being represented in society were given the opportunity to add their perspective to a
system that had previously focused on only one or two cultures. In doing this, gender seemed to get lost
as teachers realized that one could not focus solely on one issue while ignoring others L4. Veering away
from gender focus leaves the door wide open for the question of where do we go with the girls who no
longer identify with the opinions and practices of the feminist pioneers, but find an identity in the images
of “feminist” females that worry more about appearance than career, use violence over brains, and control
men through sexual desirability.
While at times, one might question what L5 education accomplished through all this activity (?)
in the area of dispelling gender discrimination and bias, the answer is quite a lot. No longer do English
classes (I'm sure this perspective makes sense in some way. But, having been at an engineering school
where women were grossly mistreated in non-english courses in very tangible ways, I'd say the problem
needs more than reforming pronoun referents or adding a few women writers to a class reading list. How
many women have won Nobel prizes in this century? Name a handful of women scientists in the Arabic
world. In Germany. How many women serve in our national legislature? I'd say the problems are bigger
than we can solve in an English classroom.) present a literary canon that consists of little, but your
typical dead, white men but are working to eliminate sexist language in speech and writing. Science and
math courses recruit female participants and more girls than ever participate in athletics and win
scholarships to play college athletics thanks to programs like Title IX. Teachers also realize how females
and males innately acquire and process knowledge differently and that they must account for that in their
teaching strategies.
Schools have come a long way by following the path of feminism as it winds through a
complicated and ever changing world. The year 2000 and beyond will hold many new things L5 too, as
evidenced by an already unique and thoughtful group of new feminists. That these women are
identifying with a new generation and are speaking up for themselves gives the indication that maybe the
reports of the nineties that negatively portrayed schools and their effect on females are being challenged
and a new generation of more confident girls is emerging. The question that schools must face is where
do we go from here to connect the past to the future and continue the progress and change made by
feminists in their own gender and the world. Nice conclusion.
References
1. Bellafonte, Gina. “Feminism: It’s All About Me!” Time 151, 25. June 29, 1998. 54-60.
2. Croker, Denise. “Putting It on the Table: A mini-Course on Gender Differences.” English Journal
88, 3. January 1999. 65-70.
3. Labi, Nadya.
“For the next generation, feminism is being sold as glitz and image. But what do the
girls really want?” Time 151, 25. June 29, 1998. 60-62.
4. Rubinowski, Leslie. “Young Women Vs Self-Esteem.” The Pittsburgh Press. February 3, 1991.
5. Slack, Delane Bender. “Why Do We Need to Genderize? Women’s Literature in High School.”
English Journal 88, 3. January 1999. 65-70
6. St. Pierre, Elizabeth. “A Historical Perspective on Gender.” English Journal 88, 3. January 1999.
29-34.