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Breaking Nonverbal Norms
Katrina Cronk
October 12, 2016
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Have you ever really thought about how so much of what we say to others is not actually
said by using our voices? The phrase “Actions speaks louder than words” is a commonly used
phrase in America for a good reason. Nonverbal communication is the messages that are
inexplicitly spoken through our gestures and facial expressions, along with the use of eye
contact, space and touch. Even our overall appearance and voice speak to others. Nonverbal
messages are an important factor in our everyday interactions with strangers, but also in our
relationships with those close to us. Although nonverbal communication varies from culture to
culture, it is an important factor everywhere in every interaction.
The reason why nonverbal cues are so important to understand is because they make up
well over half of our emotional meanings in the messages we speak. According to psychologist
Albert Mehrabian, as much as 93% of the emotional meaning of our message is displayed
through nonverbal cues, with the most significant source being the face (Beebe, Beebe &
Redmond, 2014, p. 189). Understanding and following the nonverbal norms in a culture are part
of what makes you accepted into the culture. They help to create order in the community and the
more important the norm is, the stronger the disapproval will be if that norm is broken within the
community (Chang, 2015, p. 192).
We don’t think of our appearance being a nonverbal cue, but it most definitely is. We can
tell a lot about a person just by looking at them, and even if we don’t intend to judge them, we
do. Some of these predictions may be right and some may be wrong, but whether we like it or
not our appearance says a lot. Two people with the same qualifications could be applying for the
same job, but the person who is slightly more attractive and dressed nicer when they went to
their interview is probably more likely to get hired. We may also forget that we are sending
nonverbal cues over text and online. These nonverbal cues are displayed through emoticons,
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punctuation, capitalization, message length, and even the type of media you choose to display
your message within (Beebe et al., 2014, p. 205).
I want to investigate nonverbal cues in the areas of proxemics and touch. Space is
something used very differently within different cultures and in Western cultures like the United
States we like to keep our distances from those we are not familiar with. Edward T. Hall
identified four areas of space we use during his studies of proxemics (Beebe et al., 2014, p. 201).
The intimate space being 1-1.5 feet between individuals is the space we use when we are
comfortable with that person, or we are forced to use if we are in a crowded or small space with
others (Beebe et al., 2014, p. 201). Status and power also play a factor in space, as well as
physical size and sex. Those with a higher status or more power which is known to individuals
will usually be given more space. If you are a physically larger person, especially male, you will
also be given more space than let’s say, a smaller woman (Beebe et al., 2014, p. 202). If this
woman is of higher status though then she will probably get more space than the larger male, so
these roles do not always reflect exactly what will happen in any given situation. We tend to feel
uncomfortable when our space is intruded on by others we do not know and we might move
farther away from them as they move closer to us. This brings up the subject of touch. Touch is
also something we are very different about in Western cultures. It is something we save for our
closest relationships, and it may even be odd to use touch with people you interact with on an
everyday basis, such as coworkers. According to Beebe et al. (2014) we use touch to display
intimacy and when that is not our intended message, we immediately try to modify the message
(p. 203). This is why we would blurt out ‘excuse me’ and quickly move if we were to brush up
against someone by accident. Power also plays a role in touch, as well as space. This plays out
largely in politics with handshakes and who goes through a door first, as well as taps on the back.
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Even these small gestures carry out large meanings in relation to power and dominance. Certain
situations may lead us to touch others more or less, but a large factor in how we use touch is how
we were raised and how our parents used touch while raising us (Beebe et al., 2014, p. 203). Sex
is an influencer with touch as well. Being a male you are more likely to use touch in casual and
romantic heterosexual relationships, but men are usually more uncomfortable with other men
touching them while women tend to be okay with other women touching them (Beebe et al.,
2014, p. 204).
In testing proxemics and touch I performed a social experiment three times with three
separate individuals to analyze how they would react to me breaking this nonverbal norm. I
regularly ride the bus to and from school and am usually one of the first people to get on the bus.
I plan on sitting right next to an individual, even though there will be plenty of seats available to
sit in. I have done this specific experiment before for this activity in your listening class and I
had a mixture of reactions, so I’m guessing it will be similar reactions.
I ended up carrying out this experiment with two females and one male. The male looked
slightly older than the average college student and when I sat next to him he wiggled in his seat
the opposite way away from me. I could tell he seemed uncomfortable when our legs touched,
but I’m also assuming that he didn’t want to get up and move seats or he would be seen as rude.
We did not have any verbal contact and when I looked out of the corner of my eye he was
looking towards the front of the bus away from me. The first girl I performed the experiment
with seemed unaffected. She did not move, but she was also glued to her phone the entire time,
so maybe she didn’t notice all the empty seats around and that it was odd that I sat next to her.
We did not have any eye contact and nothing was said verbally between the two of us. The
second girl, and last person I performed the experiment with was almost a combination of the
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first two. This girl moved slightly over and had a confused look on her face, but immediately got
out her phone to potentially avoid an awkward situation or conversation from there.
In performing this experiment I learned that different people will react differently to the
same nonverbal norm being broken. There were also other factors that affected this norm, for
instance the first girl being too involved with her phone to even notice me. Also, if many of the
seats would have been taken it would not have been odd for me to sit directly next to someone.
To “save face” these individuals moved slightly away from me, looked in the opposite direction
of me, and used their phones. These are all things I would do myself to “save face” if this
experiment were to be performed on me.
The next nonverbal cue I wanted to investigate was eye contact. The eyes are said to be
the mirror of your soul, which is why they are so important to your nonverbal communication
with others. Researcher Adam Kendon identified four functions of the eye; cognitive,
monitoring, regulatory, and expressive (Beebe et al., 2014, p. 196). The cognitive function serves
to give you information about another person’s thought process and the monitoring lets you
monitor their behavior while the regulatory function regulates who you talk to and the expressive
function helps to display how you’re feeling emotionally. According to Forrester, Granhag, Leal,
Mann, Warmelink and Vrjj (2012), “group differences in gaze behavior can be important in daily
life in that some groups may be falsely identified as liars because they automatically exhibit
more of a behavior that is associated with deception” (p. 208). This is because lying is most often
associated with those who don’t use as much eye contact or avert their gaze often. This does not
necessarily mean someone is lying either though even if they do often avert their gaze or do not
make eye contact. This could also mean that they are unsure of themselves, nervous, or maybe
even embarrassed. It is also said that eye contact is more frequent with those we like or love and
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that it even helps with a greater satisfaction in romantic relationships (Beebe et al., 2014, p. 197).
Although our conclusions may not always be spot on, our eyes do tend to give a lot of our
emotions away to others.
In testing the nonverbal cue of eye contact I wanted to break a norm by holding my eye
contact too long with a stranger, or better known as staring. I know I am often uncomfortable or
even creeped out if I see someone is staring at me, so I expect those to find me staring at them to
look uncomfortable as well. I plan to do this in the CSU where there’s always a large number of
people at all times and I can comfortably sit while I perform these experiments.
This time I performed the experiment three separate time with three separate individuals;
two males and a female. The first male was also sitting in the chairs near me by himself and
when he caught my stare he looked away while slightly blushing then looked back at me
probably thinking I wasn’t going to still be staring at him. He looked away again, this time
rummaging through his backpack to reach his phone. The second male was walking towards the
chairs where I was sitting and when he caught my stare he looked confused before looking away
while he kept walking but when he opened the door to go outside the CSU he looked back at me
and away again as he was leaving. The female was the one to look annoyed when she caught me
staring before looking down to her phone and she was the only one to not look back at me.
I learned that from this experiment people will use their phones as a way to “save face”
and avoid the awkwardness. I also learned that males and females will react differently to
someone staring at them. I think if you are heterosexual and you catch the same sex looking at
you, you may be annoyed or confused as to why they’re staring at you, whereas if the opposite
sex is staring at you, you may be curious as to what they’re thinking about you, or even slightly
nervous if you think they’re attractive.
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The third type of nonverbal cue I wanted to investigate goes a little outside of the box.
This nonverbal type of communication is becoming more and more important as time goes on
and it is always evolving. This type of communication would be computer mediated
communication, and specifically I want to explore text messaging. This form of communication
is still relatively new in terms of time, but it has quickly evolved already. We have gone from
three letters on each key to now having a key for each letter. Most phones are now touch screen
as well and we can even voice text. Just like underlining, capitalization, punctuation, and
message length can change a message in any other media outlet, it can change the message
meaning in a text. Text messaging was originally created to send short and simple messages, but
is now used on the daily to have full conversations to keep up with all of our interpersonal
relationships with those we may not see often. According to Fussell and Nguyen (2016), certain
verbal cues linked to the partner’s enjoyment of the conversation (p. 3). This leads to the subject
of emoticons, or as most people are familiar with, emojis. These are small pictures, such as
smiley faces displaying a wide variety of emotions, food items, sports equipment, hearts etc.
These emojis can help to make or break conversations and help to establish mood and tone to a
message. Researchers have suggested that we use emoticons (or emojis) in place of pauses or eye
contact with others in a face to face conversation (Beebe et al., 2014, p. 205).
In testing the nonverbal cues we use during text messaging I wanted to break a norm by
using emojis that did not match what the explicit words in my message said or use an overload of
emojis. I know I am always thrown off if someone I text frequently starts texting me slightly
different from how they normally text so I expect people to be very confused and they might ask
questions like what do I mean or if I’m okay. They may even assume that my phone is not
working properly or that someone has taken my phone. For this experiment I will unfortunately
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have to experiment on people that I am close with and normally text since I cannot just text a
number of strangers.
For this experiment I texted both my mom and dad, along with one of my best friends. I
was curious to see if my dad would say anything because he never uses emojis (or punctuation)
and I have not used them while texting him before. For the experiment with my dad since we do
not regularly use emojis I wanted to use an overload of them. Our conversation was about me
coming home next weekend and he asked “Wow u must be happy” in his reply to my many
smiley faces sent with my message saying when I’d be home Friday. I think it surprised him, if
anything, but it’s always hard to tell because of the fact that he doesn’t use punctuation. My
mom has just started using emojis, so I wanted to use a lot while also using random ones that
didn’t match my explicit message. She actually asked if I was okay and if my phone was still
acting up, since it recently has been. I told her I was good with a bunch of sad face emojis and
she then called me to talk to see if I was actually okay and/or see if my phone was still not
working. This is pretty typical of my mom to be worried about my well-being, even at twentytwo years old, but I most definitely did not expect a call from her. The last person I experimented
with is one of my best friends, Rachel. We were texting about our upcoming weekend plans to
go to Winona’s homecoming and how excited we were. I added how excited I was with some
random emojis that were sad, angry, and a couple random shapes and sports added in. She
actually texted back asking “wtf is up with your emojis?!” with three of the crying laughing face
emojis. This was also typical of her because she’s very outspoken and cuts to the chase both in
person and over text.
Although these reactions matched up with the people I experimented with, they still
surprised me and I learned just how different nonverbal cues, such as emojis, are used with
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texting. As far as the relationship goes with my dad it’s funny to see how he reacted to emojis
since I’ve never used them with him because he never uses them/doesn’t know how to use them.
It will be interesting to see how nonverbal cues in texting evolve even more over time, especially
with the newest update to the iPhone and being able to send GIFS and sounds.
In conclusion I have learned a lot about nonverbal cues and how people can react both so
differently and so similarly to one another when these norms are broken. I believe if these were
more serious norms that were broken the reactions would have been heightened and there may
have been serious consequences. This is why it’s important to study and understand a culture and
its norms before assimilating yourself into it so that you do not break a serious social norm,
whether it be verbal or nonverbal. Even breaking nonverbal norms with those you know can
surprise you and it was cool to explore these types of nonverbal cues, especially with text
messaging being that it’s still relatively new and always evolving.
According to Beebe et al. (2014), “Nonverbal communication is an ever-present form of
human expression,” and you are always communicating messages even if they are not stated
explicitly. Nonverbal cues are there for a reason and they help us to form relationships when we
learn how to pick up on those cues commonly used by certain people in our interpersonal
relationships. When these norms are broken, both those who are close to us and those who do not
know us are affected and will react, either verbally and nonverbally to show that they have
picked up on these cues. Nonverbal norms help to shape our society in deciding what’s
acceptable, help us to establish interpersonal relationships, and help us form a part of our culture.
It is no wonder why more than half of our emotional meanings come from nonverbal cues and
play such a big role in our lives.
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References
Beebe, S. A., Beebe, S. J., & Redmond, M. V. (n.d.). Interpersonal Communication Relating To
Others (7th ed.). Pearson Education.
Chang, Y. (2015, October). Cultural Norms and Nonverbal Communication: An Illustration.
Communication Teacher, 29(4), 191-195. doi:10.1080/17404622.2015.1057749
Mann, S., Vrij, A., Leal, S., Granhag, P., Warmelink, L., & Forrester, D. (2012, May 5).
Windows to the Soul? Deliberate Eye Contact as a Cue to Deceit.
Nguyen, D. T., & Fussell, S. R. (2016, January). Effects of Conversational Involvement Cues on
Understanding and Emotions in Instant Messaging Conversations. Journal of Language
& Social Psychology, 35, 28-55. doi:10.1177/0261927X15571538