Download Exercise 27

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(Worse) Modification of environmental technologies
transferred from abroad for the local industrial sector is
performed by the research institute.
(Better) The research institute modifies environmental
technology transferred from abroad for the local
industrial sector.
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Switching from passive voice to active voice makes
this sentence more direct, concise and persuasive.
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(Worse) Accurate prediction of the boundary
parameters by mathematicians is of heavy emphasis.
(Better) The mathematicians heavily emphasize
accurately predicting the boundary parameters.
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Like in the previous sentence, using passive voice
makes the sentence wordy or indecisive.
However, active voice makes the sentence more direct
and clear.
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(Worse) An outline of how to install the software
program is made in the following section.
(Better 1) The following section outlines how to install
the software program.
(Better 2) The following section outlines the
installation of the software program.
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Using a verb instead of a noun simplifies this sentence.
Avoid sentences that contain phrase like is made, is
done, is performed, is conducted, is undertaken and is
achieve. Such phrases often make the sentence
unnecessarily long.
Consider the following examples:
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(Original) Simulation of the program is done.
(Revised) The program is simulated.
(Original) Implementation of the program is performed.
(Revised) The program is implemented.
(Original) Optimization of the output is achieved.
(Revised) The output is optimized.
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(Worse) A more thorough description of the
environmental impact on the ozone layer was made by
Smith (1985).
(Better) Smith (1985) more thoroughly described the
environmental impact on the ozone layer.
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(Worse) Contributing factors to rainforest depletion
include overpopulation.
(Better) Overpopulation contributes to rainforest
depletion.
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A writer should use strong verbs that imply a precise
action. In this case, contributes implies a more precise
action than include.
Avoid overusing verbs like make, come, take, is, are,
was, and were which often have a general meaning
rather than a precise one.
Consider the following examples:
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(Original) (Unclear action) The purpose of this study is
to understand the underlying factors.
(Revised) (Clear action) The study attempts (aims) to
understand the underlying factors .
(Original) (Unclear action) The committee made a
decision on what to do next.
(Revised) (Clear action) The committee decide what to
do next.
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(Worse) Awareness of external factors that contribute to
industrial pollution must be known by the urban
planner.
(Better) The urban planner must be aware of external
factors that contribute to industrial pollution.
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(Worse) No significant variation between the two
temperatures occurred.
(Better) The two temperatures did not significantly vary.
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(Worse) It is impossible to forecast all potential
workplace hazards.
(Better) All potential workplace hazards can not be
forecasted.
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Writers should try to avoid sentence start with It and
There to save space and to achieve a greater emphasis.
Consider the following examples:
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(Original) There are many programs available in
Taiwan.
(Revised) Many programs are available in Taiwan.
(Original) It is possible to create many designs with
software.
(Revised) Many designs can be created with software.
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(Worse) There is no need for the assessment of the
production capacity of the factory floor to be
undertaken by the foreman.
(Better) The foreman does not need to assess the
production capacity of the factory floor.
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In this revised sentence, not only does the writer avoid
the There is sentence opener but also turns a noun
(assessment) into a verb (assess), thus shortening the
sentence.
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(Worse) Carpooling can be arranged by means of a
designated driver if conditions are such that commuters
to the same workplace live in close proximity to each
other.
(Better) Carpooling can be arranged by designated
driver if commuters to the same workplace live near
each other.
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The writer should try to avoid needless and redundant
words and phrases that only make the sentence lengthy.
Replacing if conditions are such that with if and in
close proximity with near greatly simplifies the
sentence.
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(Worse) A definite decision about future plans should
not be made until a major breakthrough in product
development occurs.
(Better 1) A decision about plans should not be made
until a breakthrough in product development occurs.
(Better 2) Plans should not be made until a
breakthrough in product development occurs.
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Another form of redundancy is putting two words
together that have the same meaning.
Since definite implies something that is a decision,
future, implies plans, and major implies a breakthrough,
the writer can easily cut this phrase in half by simply
saying decision, plans and breakthrough.
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(Worse) It is well known that telecommunications
technologies happen to be expanding rapidly for the
purpose of satisfying the growing consumer demand.
(Better) Telecommunications technologies are
expanding rapidly to satisfy the growing consumer
demand.