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Chapter Eight
Love and Communication in
Intimate Relationships
Love
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Exists in all cultures
Exists in all ethnic groups
Exists in all orientations
Dual nature:
– Feeling
– Activity
Communication
• Connects sexuality and intimacy
• Sexual communication is tied to
sexual satisfaction
• Sexual communication is unique
Friendship and Love
• Friendship is a strong foundation
for strong love relationships
• Difference between friends and
lovers
• Marriage
Love and Sexuality
• Sexuality and love are intimately related in
our culture
• Our language connects love and sex
• Sexual satisfaction is tied to relationship
satisfaction
• Level of intimacy and relationship duration
are correlated with the decision to engage in
sexual activity
• Cultural environment and physical
environment
Sex Outside of Committed
Relationships
• Young adult sex outside of marriage is
now the norm
• Values in America have shifted due to:
– Contraception and abortion
– Redefined gender roles
– Alterations in demographics
Men, Women, Sex, and Love
• Men separate sex and love more
than women
• Women value sex in the context of
a relationship
• Lesbians share sex less than
heterosexual couples or gay men
Love Without Sex
• Celibacy or asexuality
• A purposeful choice rather than a
sexual problem
• 4% men and 14% women
• Emphasis on friendship and other
relationship qualities
Styles of Love: Lee
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Eros: love of beauty
Mania: obsessive love
Ludus: playful love
Storge: companionate love
Agape: altruistic love
Pragma: practical love
The Triangular Theory of Love
• Theory developed
by Robert
Sternberg
• Emphasizes the
dynamic quality of
love relationships
Intimacy
Passion
Commitment
The Components of Love: Ten
Signs of Intimacy
• Wanting to promote your partner’s
welfare
• Feeling happiness with your partner
• Holding your partner in high regard
• Being able to count on your partner in
time of need
• Being able to understand each other
The Components of Love (cont.)
• Sharing yourself and your possessions
with your partner
• Receiving emotional support from your
partner
• Giving emotional support to your partner
• Being able to communicate with your
partner about intimate things
• Valuing partner’s presence in your life
Kinds of Love: Sternberg
• Liking
– Intimacy only
• Infatuation
– Passion only
• Romantic Love
– Intimacy and passion
• Companionate Love
– Intimacy and
commitment
• Fatuous Love
– Passion and
commitment
• Consummate love
– Intimacy, passion,
and commitment
• Empty love
– Commitment only
• Nonlove
– Absence of all three
Infant-Caregiver Attachment
Attachment
• Bond depends on
attachment object’s
responsiveness
• Infant happier in
attachment object
presence
• Shares discoveries
with attachment object.
Coos, talks baby talk
• Feeling of oneness
with attachment object
Romantic love
• Feelings are related to
lover’s interest
• Happier when lover is
present
• Shares experiences
with lover
• Lovers coo, talk baby
talk
• Feeling of oneness with
lover
Components of Attachment
• Attachment style endures across ones
life
• Depends upon security and safety
• Open acceptance and honesty
Types of Attachment
• Secure attachments
– Find it relatively easy to get close to other
people
• Anxious/ambivalent attachment
– Believe that other people didn’t get as
close as they themselves wanted
• Avoidant attachments
– Feel discomfort being close to other people
Unrequited Love
• Love is not returned
• Causes distress to all involved
• Perspectives differ between the
people who offer love and those
who do not reciprocate
Jealousy
• Jealousy does not prove the
existence of love
• Jealousy is painful
• Jealousy can destroy or cement a
relationship
• Jealously is linked to violence
Jealousy
• Aversive response to a real or
imagined involvement with a third
person
• Absence may indicate relationship
problems
• Occurs where there are commitments
in a relationship
• Men and women differ in reported
attempts to make their partner jealous
Managing Jealousy
• Dealing with irrational suspicions can be
difficult
• Can work on underlying causes of our
insecurity
• If jealousy is well-founded, relationship
may need to be modified or ended
• Jealousy can be the catalyst for change
Extramarital Sex
• Exists in dating, cohabiting, and marital
relationships
• Extramarital sex in exclusive marriages
is related to three factors:
– Stronger sexual interests
– More permissive sexual values
– Greater sexual opportunities
– Weaker marital relationships
Making Love Last: From Passion to
Intimacy
• Intimate love: Each person knows they can
count on the other
• Commitment: Based on conscious choices
rather than transitory feelings
• Caring: Involves making another person’s
needs as important as your own
• Self-disclosure: Revealing ourselves—our
hopes, our fears, our thoughts to deepen
understanding and intimacy
The Nature of Communication
• Involves conveying symbols, words,
gestures, movements
• Goal of establishing human contact,
exchanging information, and
reinforcing or changing attitudes and
behaviors
Contexts of Communication
• Cultural context
– the language, values, beliefs, and customs
in which communication takes place
• Social context
– the roles we play in society
• Psychological context
– how people communicate based on their
personalities
Nonverbal Communication
• The ability to correctly interpret
nonverbal communication is important
– Most of our “feeling” communication is
nonverbal
• 3 important factors:
– Proximity: nearness in physical space
– Eye contact: a symbol of interest
– Touching: signals intimacy, closeness
Sexual Communication
• Interpersonal sexual scripts provide
“instructions” on how to behave sexually
– In beginning relationships
• Halo effect
• Interest and opening lines
• In some cases: establishing sexual
orientation
• First move and beyond
• Directing sexual activity
Sexual Communication (Cont.)
• In established relationships
– initiating sexual activity
• For heterosexuals: men typically
initiate more often
• In same-sex relationships: typically
the more emotionally expressive
partner initiates
Gender Differences in Partner
Communication
• Women send clearer messages to their
partners than do men
• Men more than women tend to send
negative messages or withdraw
• Women tend to set the emotional tone
of an argument
• Women tend to use more qualifiers in
their style of speaking
Developing Communication
Skills
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Talking about sex
Keys to good communication
Self disclosure
Trust
Feedback
Conflict and Intimacy
• Conflict is natural in intimate relationships
• A lack of arguing can signal trouble in a
relationship
• Conflict isn’t dangerous; it’s the manner in
which it is handled that can hurt or help
Conflicts about Sex
• Can result from a disagreement about
sex
• Can be used as a “scapegoat” for
nonsexual problems
• Can be a cover-up for deeper feelings
such as inadequacy
Conflict Resolution
• The way couples deal with conflict
reflects and contributes to their
happiness
• Negotiating conflicts
• Bargaining
• Coexistence