Download Chapter 6 Sexual Arousal and Response

Chapter 7
Love and Communication in
Intimate Relationships
What Is Love?
• Difficult to define and/or measure
– Special attitude with behavioral and emotional
components
– Different things to different people
– Difficult to measure
Types of Love
• Passionate Love
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
Also known as romantic love or infatuation
Intense psychological feelings
Generalized physiological arousal
Strong sexual desire
Avoid conflict
Feelings of completeness
Short-lived
Types of Love
• Companionate Love
–
–
–
–
Less intense than passionate love
Friendly affection and deep attachment
Familiarity and tolerance for short-comings
More enduring than passionate love
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
• Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment are the
three love components
– Passion builds then fades
– Intimacy and commitment continue to build
• Variations in components yield different kinds of
love
– Intimacy alone = friendship
– Passion alone = infatuation
– Commitment alone = empty love
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
Lee’s Styles of Loving
•
•
•
•
•
•
Romantic (eros)
Game-playing (ludus)
Possessive (mania)
Compassionate (storge)
Altruistic (agape)
Pragmatic (pragma)
• Hypothesis that relationship success is
influenced by compatibility in styles of loving
Falling in Love
• The chemistry of love
– Neurotransmitters
•
•
•
•
Norepinephrine
Dopamine
Phenylethylamine (PEA)
Oxytocin
– Endorphins
– Loss of romantic love and neurotransmitter
withdrawal
Falling in Love
Proximity
• Proximity
– Mere exposure effect
• Familiarity breeds liking or loving
– Greater proximity often reflects shared
interests
Falling in Love
Similarity
• Similarity
– Level of physical attractiveness
– Age, educational status, and religion
– Race and ethnicity
• Why Similarity?
•
•
•
•
Share similar interests and activities
Communicate better
Confirm own views and experiences
Supportive of values and beliefs
Role of Similarity in Relationships
Falling in Love
Reciprocity
• Reciprocity
– When someone shows they like us, we tend to like
them back
– Increases in self-esteem
– Increases likelihood of relationship enduring
Falling in Love
Physical Attractiveness
• Physical Attractiveness
–
–
–
–
–
Belief that “what’s beautiful is good”
Offer status by association
Most important in early stages
May be an indicator of physical health
Heterosexual males place greater emphasis on
physical attractiveness
Attachment
• Attachment: Intense emotional tie between two
individuals
• Adult attachments are influenced by our
attachment to caregiver in infancy
– Attachment Style (Ainsworth)
•
•
•
•
Secure attachment
Insecure attachment
Anxious-ambivalent attachment
Avoidant attachment
Attachment
• Attachment styles in adulthood
– Paired couples often are similar in their attachment
styles
– Attachment style affects interaction in relationship
Attachment Styles and Relationships
Issues in Loving Relationships
• Relationship between love and sex
– Relationship between the two is not always clear
• Consider “hook-ups” and “friends with benefits”
– Questions to ask:
• Does sexual intimacy deepen a love relationship?
• Do men and women have different views of sex and love?
Sexual Orientation
Attitudes About Love and Sex
• Stereotype same-sex relationships as primarily
sexual
– Generally seek loving, trusting, and caring
relationships that embrace many dimensions of
sharing
• Sex differences among lesbians and gay men
are consistent with general sex difference in
attitudes toward love and sex
– Gay men are more likely than lesbians to separate
love from sex
– Lesbians more likely to postpone sex until intimacy
has been established
Jealousy in Relationships
• Jealousy-prone person
– Low self-esteem
– High value on wealth and popularity
• Negative consequences
– Precipitates partner violence
– Stifles relationship development
– Raises anxiety, depression, and anger
• Sex differences
– Women more likely to acknowledge feelings of jealousy
– Men tend to focus more on sexual involvement with another
Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction
• Ingredients in a lasting love relationship
–
–
–
–
Self-acceptance
Appreciation of each other’s qualities
Commitment
Good communication, realistic expectations, and
shared interests
– Ability to face and deal with conflict
Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction
• Characteristics of high quality relationships
–
–
–
–
–
Supportive communication
Companionship
Sexual expression and variety
Seeing partner as best friend
Maintaining frequent positive interaction
Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction
• Sexual Variety
–
–
–
–
Communication is critical
Be spontaneous
Plan for intimate time
Don’t worry about frequency “standards”
Discovering Partner’s Needs
• Ask questions
– Yes/No questions
– Open-ended questions
– Either/Or questions
•
•
•
•
Self-disclosure
Discuss sexual preferences
Give permission
Learn to make requests
Taking Responsibility
• Make requests specific
• Use “I” language
• Expressing and receiving complaints
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
Choose right time and place
Temper complaints with praise
Avoid “why” questions
Limit to one complaint per discussion
Ask clarifying questions
Express your feelings
Focus on future changes
Talking: Getting Started
• Reading and discussing
• Sharing sexual histories
• Listening and feedback
–
–
–
–
Active listening
Providing feedback
Maintaining eye contact
Support communication efforts
Saying No
• Three step approach
– Show appreciation for invitation
– Say no in a clear, unequivocal fashion
– Offer alternatives
Non-Verbal Sexual Communication
•
•
•
•
Facial expressions
Interpersonal distance
Touching
Sounds
Communication Patterns in
Relationships
• Gottman’s constructive communication tactics
– Leveling and editing
– Validating
– Volatile dialogue
• Gottman’s destructive communication tactics
–
–
–
–
–
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Belligerence