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Communication Communication: • extremely important. Most problems involve communication failure Patterns of Interaction: • constructive vs. destructive constructive interaction strengthens human bonds and enhances self-esteem • Intimacy entails mutual self-disclosure. Need for truthfulness, leads to trust. Trust strengthens intimacy. Communication (Cont’d): Truth in Sex: • Private vs. Public Talk Importance of non-verbal communication (90%) Intent: • what you mean to say Impact: • what the other hears Need for frequent clarification of both Communication (Cont’d): Ambiguous vs. Non-Ambiguous Messages Fair Fighting Misinterpretation of Sex Signals Focus 10.2: Tannen’s Work • Men tend to use language for information, status and one-upmanship • Women tend to use language to get close, for intimacy, sharing, rapport Recent research shows #s not so great, but are there Communication (Cont’d): Receiving message: • active listening • non-defensive • really listen • feedback: I heard you say … paraphrasing Validation Non-Verbal Communication Communication (Cont’d): Active Listening: • attentive body language, appropriate facial expressions, asking questions, making brief comments Paraphrasing, showing true understanding of the message: • rephrasing in own words what the listener heard. Opportunity to clarify misunderstandings. Communication (Cont’d): Feedback: • communicate verbally our reaction to the message Acceptance of Message: • I really appreciate your telling me this. Your disclosure sheds a lot of light on our problem. What you told me makes it easier for me to understand where you’re coming from. Communication (Cont’d): Unconditional Positive Regard • Conveying that you love the person no matter what they reveal When questioning, use open-ended questions rather than yes/no questions • E.g. of yes/no: Do you like oral sex? Did you come? • E.g. of open-ended: What gives you the most pleasure? Where do you like to be touched? What are your feelings about oral sex? Communication (Cont’d): “I” statements” • “You don’t care about me” vs. “I feel ignored”. • “You upset me” vs. “I’m upset”. • “You don’t love me” vs. “I feel unloved”. Communication (Cont’d): Documenting: • stick to specifics Leveling: • be honest and clear Editing: • leave out hurtful comments Communication (Cont’d): Alexithymia: • Inability to verbalize one’s feelings or emotions, or even be aware of them. • Very common in men. • Due to gender role socialization. • In today’s context it has become dysfunctional. Communication (Cont’d): Alexithymia: • Fear, sadness and shame: transformed into aggression • Caring emotions: transformed into sex Communication (Cont’d): Destructive patterns of interaction: Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Attack Withdrawal, stonewalling