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Chapter Eight
Love and Communication in
Intimate Relationships
Love
 Exists
in all cultures
 Exists in all ethnic groups
 Exists in all orientations
 Dual nature:


Feeling – Emotional Component
Activity – Action Component
Communication
 Communication
is the thread that connects
sexuality and intimacy
 The quality of the relationship affects the
quality of the sex.
 Partners who are satisfied with sexual
communication tend to be satisfied with
their relationship in general
 Most of the time we do not think about the
quality of our communication until it fails.
Friendship and Love

Friendship is a strong foundation for strong love
relationships that include: mutual acceptance,
trust, respect, confidentiality, understanding, and
spontaneity.
 Difference between friends and lovers: deeper
levels of fascination, exclusivity, and sexual
desire.
 Love has a greater potential for distress, conflict,
and mutual criticism.
Friendship and Love
 Marriage
still houses two separate
individuals. Boundaries should be clarified
and options should be shared
 Success in marriage depends upon the
ability of the partners to communicate
concerns and on the maturity of the people
involved in the marital relationship.
Love and Sexuality

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Sexuality and love are intimately related in our
culture
Our cultural language connects love and sex
and love “legitimizes” sex outside of marriage.
Our sexual standards have become personal
rather than institutional.
Many in sexual relationships use words
associated with “love” to describe/explain sexual
practice.
The use of “lovers”, “make love”, or “intimate”
are often used instead of technical or slang
terms to describe the sexual practice in the
sexual relationship.
Love and Sexuality

What factors lead to sexual intercourse?
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Belief that sex will “grow” the relationship
Belief that sex will add “meaning” to the relationship
Sexual satisfaction is tied to relationship satisfaction,
but appears to be more significant in men
Level of intimacy and relationship duration are
correlated with the decision to engage in sexual
activity

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Partners who are less committed to the relationship
are less likely to be sexually involved
Partners who “share the power” in a relationship are
more likely to be involved in a sexual relationship than
those in inequitable relationships.
Love and Sexuality
 Cultural
environment and physical
environment play a role in the level of
sexual activity


Opportunity for sex can be precluded in an
environment that is not “private” (ex. Parents,
friends, roommates, or children)
Opportunity for sex may either be enhanced
or suppressed by the values of the culture.
Love and Sexuality
 How
woman shows sexual interest to man
(how the man “sees” it) = assertive, forceful, and
even aggressive sexual behavior
Versus
 How
man shows sexual interest to woman
(how the woman “sees” it) = behavior that
inspires trust and confidence
 Do we exhibit the behavior that we
expect?
Sex Outside of Committed
Relationships

Young adult sex outside of marriage is now the
norm
 Values in America have shifted to legitimize premarital or non-marital sex.
 Change is due to:

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
Effective contraception and abortion
Redefined gender roles – legitimizing female sexuality
Alterations in demographics – people waiting longer
to get married
Men, Women, Sex, and Love
 Men
separate “sex” and “love” more than
women


However, the emotional quality of the
relationship makes sexual experience
“special”
Gay men may have more willing partners for
casual sex than heterosexual men
 Women,
generally, value sex in the
context of a relationship
 Lesbians share sex less than heterosexual
couples of gay men
Men, Women, Sex, and Love
 Women,
generally, value sex in the
context of a relationship


Seek emotional relationships
May derive their self-worth from the quality of
the relationship
 Lesbians
share sex less than heterosexual
couples of gay men

Tend to postpone sexual involvement until
they have developed emotional intimacy with
their partner
Love Without Sex

Celibacy

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May be a choice
May be a circumstance (no partner)
May be short or long term
May be goal oriented (marriage)
Asexuality – little or no sexual attraction to either
sex
 Emphasis on friendship and other relationship
qualities
 May “free” up energy for personal growth or
other kinds of relationships.

Styles of Love: John Lee
see pg 226, text
 Eros:
love of beauty
 Mania: obsessive love
 Ludus: playful love
 Storge( STOR-gay): companionate love
 Agape: altruistic love
 Pragma: practical love
Styles of Love: John Lee
see pg 226, text
 Lee
hypothesizes that mutually
satisfying relationships partners need
to share the same style and definition
of love
 Recent research on styles: College
women showed more erotic and
pragmatic styles, whereas the men
exhibited higher rates of Ludus
attitudes
The Triangular Theory of Love

Theory
developed by
Robert
Sternberg

Emphasizes
the dynamic
quality of love
relationships in
separate and
combined
forms
The Components of Love: Ten
Signs of Intimacy
 Wanting
to promote your partner’s welfare
 Feeling happiness with your partner
 Holding your partner in high regard
 Being able to count on your partner in time
of need
 Being able to understand each other
The Components of Love (cont.)
 Sharing
yourself and your possessions
with your partner
 Receiving emotional support from your
partner
 Giving emotional support to your partner
 Being able to communicate with your
partner about intimate things
 Valuing partner’s presence in your life
Kinds of Love: Sternberg
pg 228-229, text

Liking
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Passion only
Intimacy and passion
Companionate Love

Intimacy and
commitment
Fatuous Love

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Intimacy, passion, and
commitment
Empty love
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Passion and
commitment
Consummate love

Romantic Love


Intimacy only
Infatuation


Commitment only
Nonlove

Absence of all three
The Geometry of Love

The shape of the love triangle
depends on the intensity of the love
and the balance of the parts.
 Intense relationships have larger
areas
 The balance determines the shape
of the triangle
 The greater the match between the
triangles of the two partners, the
more likely each will experience
satisfaction in the relationship.
Attachment Theory
(Romantic love similar to infant-caregiver attachment)
Infant-Caregiver Attachment

Bond depends on
attachment object’s
responsiveness
 Infant happier in
attachment object
presence
 Shares discoveries with
attachment object. Coos,
talks baby talk
 Feeling of oneness with
attachment object
Romantic love

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Feelings are related to
lover’s interest
Happier when lover is
present
Shares experiences with
lover
Lovers coo, talk baby talk
Feeling of oneness with
lover
Components of Attachment
 Attachment
style endures across ones life
 Depends upon security and safety – There
is a need to feel secure – partner need
respond to a need
 Open acceptance and honesty
Types of Attachment
 Secure

attachments
Find it relatively easy to get close to other
people
 Anxious/ambivalent

Believe that other people didn’t get as close as
they themselves wanted
 Avoidant

attachment
attachments
Feel discomfort being close to other people
 ** In adulthood the attachment style developed in infancy
combines with sexual desire and caring behaviors to give
rise to romantic love
Unrequited Love
 Love
is not returned
 Causes distress to all involved

Rejecters most distressed
 Perspectives
differ between the people
who offer love and those who do not
reciprocate
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Rejecter see rejected as self-deceiving and
unreasonable
Rejected see rejecter as inconsistent and
mysterious
Jealousy
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Jealousy does not prove the existence of
love – proves only that the other person can
be made jealous
Jealousy and love are not necessarily
companions
Jealousy is painful – associated with anger,
hurt and loss (or perceived)
Jealousy can destroy or cement a
relationship (paradoxical)
Jealously is linked to violence – marital
violence and rape are linked to jealousy
Jealousy
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Aversive response to a real or imagined
involvement with a third person
Painful experience
Absence may indicate relationship problems
Occurs where there are commitments in a
relationship
Men and women differ in reported attempts
to make their partner jealous
Managing Jealousy
 Jealousy
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can be unreasonable or realistic
Dealing with irrational suspicions can be
difficult
Can work on underlying causes of our
insecurity (Why are we jealous?)
If jealousy is well-founded, relationship may
need to be modified or ended
Jealousy can be the catalyst for change
Extradyatic Involvement (EDI)

Sexual or romantic relationships outside of a
“committed” relationship
 EDI may be: 1) sexual but not emotional, 2)
sexual and emotional, and 3) emotional but not
sexual.
 In Dating and Cohabitating relationships EDI
more common, In exclusive marriage, EDI
expected and can have legal implications.
 Nonexclusive Marriages may be open for
intimacy but not sex, open with sex allowed,
group/multiple relationships
Making Love Last: From Passion to
Intimacy

Intimate love: Each person knows they can
count on the other
 Commitment: Based on conscious choices
rather than transitory feelings
 Caring: Involves making another person’s
needs as important as your own

Self-disclosure: Revealing ourselves—our hopes, our
fears, our everyday thoughts to deepen
understanding and intimacy
 Working
together these elements help to
transform love.
The Nature of Communication
 Communication:

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a transactional process
Involves conveying symbols, words, gestures,
movements
Goal of establishing human contact,
exchanging information, and reinforcing or
changing attitudes and behaviors
Contexts of Communication
 Cultural

the language, values, beliefs, and customs in
which communication takes place – this
shapes our style of communication
 Social

context
context
the roles we play in society – status roles can
define the style of communication in the
relationship
 Psychological

context
how people communicate based on their
personalities ( factors: self-esteem, self-efficacy)
Nonverbal Communication
 The
ability to correctly interpret nonverbal
communication is important in
relationships
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3
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Most of our “feeling” communication is
nonverbal
important factors: (Like You vs. Dislike You)
Proximity: nearness in physical space
Eye contact: a symbol of interest
Touching: signals intimacy, closeness
Sexual Communication
 Our
interpersonal sexual scripts provide us
with “instructions” on how to behave
sexually

In beginning relationships (pg. 243-246)
•
•
•
•
•
Halo effect
Interest and opening lines
First move and beyond
In some cases: establishing sexual orientation
Directing sexual activity
Sexual Communication (Cont.)

In established relationships
• initiating sexual activity
 For heterosexuals: men typically initiate
more often
 In established relationships. Women a
may feel comfortable in overtly initiating
sex.
 In same-sex relationships: typically the
more emotionally expressive partner
initiates
Gender Differences in Partner
Communication

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Women send clearer messages to their
partners than do men
Men more than women tend to send negative
messages or withdraw, and tend to talk less
about feelings and personal issues
Women tend to set the emotional tone of an
argument – typically escalate or diminish
argument
Women tend to use more qualifiers in their
style of speaking, men use fewer words
Developing Communication
Skills
 Talking
about sex
 Keys to good communication (pg.247-250)
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Self disclosure
Trust
Feedback
Conflict and Intimacy
 Conflict
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is natural in intimate relationships
Conflict is a process in which people perceive
incompatible goals and interference from
others in achieving their goals.
A lack of arguing can signal trouble in a
relationship
Conflict isn’t dangerous; it’s the manner in
which it is handled that can hurt or help
relationship
Conflicts about Sex
 Fighting
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about sex
Can result from a disagreement about having
sex
Can also be used as a “scapegoat” for
nonsexual problems
Can be a cover-up for deeper feelings such
as inadequacy
 It’s
hard to tell during a fight if there are
deeper causes
Conflict Resolution
 The
way couples deal with conflict reflects
and contributes to their happiness
 Strategies for conflict resolution

Negotiating conflicts
• Agreement as a gift, increases chances of
reciprocation
• Bargaining (win-win)
• Coexistence (get along)
End of Lecture