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“Write Expressions” Quiz from Expressions 2010 issue 3 Answers and Commentary: Quick quiz (but slow answer) There are many ways to adopt a clear, plain style, such as rewriting complex constructions, simplifying technical terms, and identifying the actor of a verb or head noun of a phrase. See what alternatives you can come up with. (1) The whitening of one’s dentition can be executed with varying degrees of success or failure by the domestic utilisation of commercial pharmacy purchased modalities such as special ingredient containing dentrifices. Tips to simplify and shorten this sentence: - Avoid nominalising verbs (turning verbs into nouns) because an extra verb is usually needed—for example, “whitening…can be executed” is more direct as “can be whitened”; tell-tale verbs such as occurred, executed, conducted, performed, happened, and done usually indicate that the real verb has been nominalised. - © T Lane Replace scientific or technical-sounding words with simpler, every-day versions—for example, “teeth” instead of “dentition”, “home” instead of “domestic”, “use” instead of “utilisation”, “methods” (or “products”) instead of “modalities”, “toothpastes” instead of “dentrifices”, and “bought” instead of “purchased”. © Faculty of Dentistry, The University of Hong Kong Page 1 of 4 - Avoid stacking noun modifiers, and identify the head noun, or real subject, of the phrase—for example, “special ingredient containing dentrifices” means “dentrifices that contain special ingredients”; however, just “special toothpastes” or “whitening toothpastes” may be enough to capture the same idea. - Avoid redundant terms—for example, “degrees of” and “or failure” are not really needed, and “commercial” and “purchased” repeat the concept that a pharmacy/drugstore/chemist’s sells goods. You could rewrite the sentence in the following several ways to keep it short and simple (KISS) and say what you mean (SWYM): One’s teeth can be whitened at home with varying success by the use of store-bought products such as whitening toothpastes. Or (less formal, with “you” language and by using the active instead of the passive): You can whiten your teeth at home, with varying success, by using store-bought products such as whitening toothpastes. Or (impersonal, and to emphasise the effectiveness): The home use of store-bought whitening products such as special toothpastes whiten teeth by varying amounts. Or (simpler still): Store-bought tooth whiteners vary in their effectiveness. (2) Aiming to improve their aesthetic appearance, many products designed to chemically bleach teeth or chemically dissolve or physically scrub away stains by gentle abrasive action can now be brought by customers in high-street retail outlets. Tips to clarify this sentence: - Watch out for introductory phrases containing a verb participle (progressive -ing form or perfect form such as -ed), because the reader expects that the actor of the verb will appear early in the main part of the sentence, soon after the comma. Otherwise, the participle is unattached and it “dangles”—for example, “many products” in the sentence above are not really the subject of “aiming”; the “customers” are. Unattached participles lead to ambiguous sentences, such as Being rare, the girl framed the old-style bank note. - Help the reader by clarifying pronouns. It is not obvious that “their” refers to “customers”. - Remove redundant terms—for example, the first word in “aesthetic appearance”, “chemically bleach”, and “physically scrub” does not add much and could be omitted. Similarly, “scrub away” and “abrasive action” overlap in meaning. - Simplify terms: “high-street retail outlets” means “shops”, and people visiting them are usually “customers”, so the phrase “by customers” can be deleted. (Incidentally, “bought” should replace “brought”.) You could rewrite the sentence in the following several ways to KISS and SWYM: Aiming to improve their appearance, people may buy a variety of tooth-whitening products from shops. Or (emphasise the preferred alternative): © T Lane © Faculty of Dentistry, The University of Hong Kong Page 2 of 4 People who want to improve their smile often buy non-prescription whitening products instead of visiting a dentist. Or (emphasise availability and claimed whitening mechanisms): Tooth-whitening products that are currently available in shops are designed to bleach teeth or dissolve or scrub away surface stains. Or (combine messages): People who want to improve their smile often buy non-prescription whitening products instead of visiting a dentist. Such products are designed to bleach teeth or dissolve or scrub away surface stains, but their effectiveness varies. (3) If used wrongly, people might cause damage to their oral soft tissues during the period of time of their dental bleaching product utilisation. Tips to clarify this sentence: - Recast the reduced passive verb form or turn it into the active and identify the actor— for example, If bleaching products are used wrongly… or If people use bleaching products wrongly…. - Remove redundant terms—for example, “period of time” is the same as “period”, and “during the period of” is the same as “during”. - Simplify terms: “oral soft tissues” could in this context be replaced by “gums”; “utilisation” means “use” (the verb “utilise” actually implies putting something to a different use, such as He utilised his coffee cup as a plant pot; but the verb “use” is again shorter here). - Avoid nominalising verbs—for example, “might cause damage to” is more direct when rewritten as “might damage”. You could rewrite the sentence in the following several ways to KISS and SWYM: If people use them wrongly, tooth-bleaching kits can damage the gums. Or: If used wrongly, tooth-bleaching kits can damage the gums. Or (emphasise when kits are harmful): Tooth-bleaching kits can damage gums during use. Or (combine messages but avoid repeating “use”): If improperly used, tooth-bleaching kits can damage gums during application/treatment. (4) It goes without saying that, as a general rule, people making future plans for their teeth to be whiter in colour should be mindfully aware of any possible side effects that may perhaps be exerted by over-the-counter whitening kits that can be purchased by the general public. Tips to simplify this sentence: - Remove unnecessary words to improve readability (phrases such as It goes without saying, As already stated above, Needless to say, It was interesting to note…) - © T Lane Remove redundancy in phrases such as past history, future plans, orange in colour, square in shape, mindfully aware… (delete the terms in italics). Also, possible + may © Faculty of Dentistry, The University of Hong Kong Page 3 of 4 + perhaps all repeat the concept of hedging; “over-the-counter” overlaps in meaning with “can be purchased by the general public”; and “general public” is the same as the “public”. - Turn passive sentences into active ones. - Use correct terms—for example, “side effects” are secondary effects of treatments that can be positive or negative, so adverse effects/reactions or negative effects would be more specific. You could rewrite the sentence in the following several ways to KISS and SWYM: People who plan to whiten their teeth should be aware of the possible adverse effects of using non-prescription products. Or (emphasise self-medication): People who plan to whiten their teeth themselves should be aware that nonprescription products may be harmful. Or (simplify): Whitening your teeth by yourself may be harmful. / Do-it-yourself tooth whitening may be harmful. © T Lane © Faculty of Dentistry, The University of Hong Kong Page 4 of 4