Download the Answer and Commentary - HKU Faculty of Dentistry

“Write Expressions” Quiz
from Expressions 2010 issue 3
Answers and Commentary:
Quick quiz (but slow answer)
There are many ways to adopt a clear, plain style, such as rewriting complex constructions,
simplifying technical terms, and identifying the actor of a verb or head noun of a phrase. See
what alternatives you can come up with.
(1) The whitening of one’s dentition can be executed with varying degrees of success or
failure by the domestic utilisation of commercial pharmacy purchased modalities such as
special ingredient containing dentrifices.
Tips to simplify and shorten this sentence:
- Avoid nominalising verbs (turning verbs into nouns) because an extra verb is usually
needed—for example, “whitening…can be executed” is more direct as “can be
whitened”; tell-tale verbs such as occurred, executed, conducted, performed,
happened, and done usually indicate that the real verb has been nominalised.
-
© T Lane
Replace scientific or technical-sounding words with simpler, every-day versions—for
example, “teeth” instead of “dentition”, “home” instead of “domestic”, “use” instead of
“utilisation”, “methods” (or “products”) instead of “modalities”, “toothpastes” instead of
“dentrifices”, and “bought” instead of “purchased”.
© Faculty of Dentistry, The University of Hong Kong
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-
Avoid stacking noun modifiers, and identify the head noun, or real subject, of the
phrase—for example, “special ingredient containing dentrifices” means “dentrifices
that contain special ingredients”; however, just “special toothpastes” or “whitening
toothpastes” may be enough to capture the same idea.
-
Avoid redundant terms—for example, “degrees of” and “or failure” are not really
needed, and “commercial” and “purchased” repeat the concept that a
pharmacy/drugstore/chemist’s sells goods.
You could rewrite the sentence in the following several ways to keep it short and simple (KISS)
and say what you mean (SWYM):
One’s teeth can be whitened at home with varying success by the use of store-bought
products such as whitening toothpastes.
Or (less formal, with “you” language and by using the active instead of the passive):
You can whiten your teeth at home, with varying success, by using store-bought
products such as whitening toothpastes.
Or (impersonal, and to emphasise the effectiveness):
The home use of store-bought whitening products such as special toothpastes whiten
teeth by varying amounts.
Or (simpler still):
Store-bought tooth whiteners vary in their effectiveness.
(2) Aiming to improve their aesthetic appearance, many products designed to chemically
bleach teeth or chemically dissolve or physically scrub away stains by gentle abrasive action
can now be brought by customers in high-street retail outlets.
Tips to clarify this sentence:
- Watch out for introductory phrases containing a verb participle (progressive -ing form
or perfect form such as -ed), because the reader expects that the actor of the verb
will appear early in the main part of the sentence, soon after the comma. Otherwise,
the participle is unattached and it “dangles”—for example, “many products” in the
sentence above are not really the subject of “aiming”; the “customers” are.
Unattached participles lead to ambiguous sentences, such as Being rare, the girl
framed the old-style bank note.
-
Help the reader by clarifying pronouns. It is not obvious that “their” refers to
“customers”.
-
Remove redundant terms—for example, the first word in “aesthetic appearance”,
“chemically bleach”, and “physically scrub” does not add much and could be omitted.
Similarly, “scrub away” and “abrasive action” overlap in meaning.
-
Simplify terms: “high-street retail outlets” means “shops”, and people visiting them are
usually “customers”, so the phrase “by customers” can be deleted. (Incidentally,
“bought” should replace “brought”.)
You could rewrite the sentence in the following several ways to KISS and SWYM:
Aiming to improve their appearance, people may buy a variety of tooth-whitening
products from shops.
Or (emphasise the preferred alternative):
© T Lane
© Faculty of Dentistry, The University of Hong Kong
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People who want to improve their smile often buy non-prescription whitening products
instead of visiting a dentist.
Or (emphasise availability and claimed whitening mechanisms):
Tooth-whitening products that are currently available in shops are designed to bleach
teeth or dissolve or scrub away surface stains.
Or (combine messages):
People who want to improve their smile often buy non-prescription whitening products
instead of visiting a dentist. Such products are designed to bleach teeth or dissolve or
scrub away surface stains, but their effectiveness varies.
(3) If used wrongly, people might cause damage to their oral soft tissues during the period of
time of their dental bleaching product utilisation.
Tips to clarify this sentence:
- Recast the reduced passive verb form or turn it into the active and identify the actor—
for example, If bleaching products are used wrongly… or If people use bleaching
products wrongly….
-
Remove redundant terms—for example, “period of time” is the same as “period”, and
“during the period of” is the same as “during”.
-
Simplify terms: “oral soft tissues” could in this context be replaced by “gums”;
“utilisation” means “use” (the verb “utilise” actually implies putting something to a
different use, such as He utilised his coffee cup as a plant pot; but the verb “use” is
again shorter here).
-
Avoid nominalising verbs—for example, “might cause damage to” is more direct when
rewritten as “might damage”.
You could rewrite the sentence in the following several ways to KISS and SWYM:
If people use them wrongly, tooth-bleaching kits can damage the gums.
Or:
If used wrongly, tooth-bleaching kits can damage the gums.
Or (emphasise when kits are harmful):
Tooth-bleaching kits can damage gums during use.
Or (combine messages but avoid repeating “use”):
If improperly used, tooth-bleaching kits can damage gums during application/treatment.
(4) It goes without saying that, as a general rule, people making future plans for their teeth to
be whiter in colour should be mindfully aware of any possible side effects that may perhaps
be exerted by over-the-counter whitening kits that can be purchased by the general public.
Tips to simplify this sentence:
- Remove unnecessary words to improve readability (phrases such as It goes without
saying, As already stated above, Needless to say, It was interesting to note…)
-
© T Lane
Remove redundancy in phrases such as past history, future plans, orange in colour,
square in shape, mindfully aware… (delete the terms in italics). Also, possible + may
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+ perhaps all repeat the concept of hedging; “over-the-counter” overlaps in meaning
with “can be purchased by the general public”; and “general public” is the same as
the “public”.
-
Turn passive sentences into active ones.
-
Use correct terms—for example, “side effects” are secondary effects of treatments
that can be positive or negative, so adverse effects/reactions or negative effects
would be more specific.
You could rewrite the sentence in the following several ways to KISS and SWYM:
People who plan to whiten their teeth should be aware of the possible adverse effects
of using non-prescription products.
Or (emphasise self-medication):
People who plan to whiten their teeth themselves should be aware that nonprescription products may be harmful.
Or (simplify):
Whitening your teeth by yourself may be harmful. / Do-it-yourself tooth whitening may
be harmful.
© T Lane
© Faculty of Dentistry, The University of Hong Kong
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