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Sexuality of the Middle-Class, Midlife Woman: Research on the Nature and Significance of Sexual Satisfaction Within a Long-Term Relationship Stephanie Jeans ABSTRACT The question of sustained sexual interest and fluctuating libido in the midlife (40-50 years), monogamous heterosexual woman in a long-term relationship, has tended to be researched in the context of abnormality or ill health. Academic studies have not adequately addressed emotional needs and perceptions. Popular culture indicates that this is an age when far from losing interest in sex, the healthy, middle-aged woman embraces her sexuality. This paper seeks to examine the reality of this demographic's sex lives and unearth views held by those who have been with one partner for 15 years or more. Specifically this research looks at factors affecting sexual satisfaction and significance attached to sex within the relationship. While results indicate that all regard intimacy as vital, many are not sexually satisfied and suppress the relevance of enjoyment as secondary to other assigned roles. Pleasurable sex is linked to an emotional and intimate connection between spouses, which stems from effective and consistent communication. The implications are such that if needs can be effectively conveyed in a relationship, a healthy sexual interaction can be nurtured and grown as part of a long-term relationship, as opposed to diminishing in importance. KEY WORDS: long-term relationships; mid-life woman, sexual satisfaction TABLE OF CONTENTS CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION 1 1.1. Research focus 1 1.2. Researcher Positioning 4 CHAPTER 2: LITERATURE REVIEW 7 2.1. Women’s sexual satisfaction 7 2.2. Sexual conditions of worth 9 2.3. Intersectionality 10 2.4. It is a man’s world – or is it? 11 2.5. Intimacy and communication 12 2.6. ‘Mummy porn’ 14 2.7. Opening Pandora’s Box 16 2.8. Conclusion 17 CHAPTER 3: RESEARCH DESIGN METHOD 20 3.1. Participants 20 3.2. Data collection 21 3.3. Research methodology 22 3.4. Heuristic research considerations 23 3.5. Analysis 25 3.6. Themes 30 3.7. Thematic analysis of data 32 CHAPTER 4: DISCUSSION 33 CHAPTER 5: LIMITATIONS AND IMPLICATIONS FOR PRACTICE 36 5.1. Limitations and further research 36 5.2. Implications for practice 38 CHAPTER 6: CONCLUSION REFERENCES APPENDICES 40 CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION AND PERSONAL 1.1. Research focus Sex is a basic human drive, much as needing to eat or sleep, and most physically healthy couples can choose to engage in sexual intercourse. However, satisfying sex does not necessarily follow and is something that requires work and attention (Litvinoff, 1999). The sexual interest and desire of a midlife1 woman in a heterosexual, monogamous relationship fluctuates along with other life experiences. Within the long-term relationship, this is especially relevant. In light of current increased longevity owing to advances in health care, this is an area worthy of consideration, as the midlife woman has significant years ahead to embrace sexual enjoyment (Fodor & Franks, 1990). It is a difficult topic to research owing to the private nature of human copulation, but academic interest has grown since Kinsey’s study of sexual behaviour in the 1950s (Kinsey Institute, 2012). However, professional discourse seems to focus on sexual psychopathology (Kleinplatz & Ménard, 2007), associated with factors such as aging and menopause. While ill health is a relevant factor which affects libido and sexual interest, this paper focuses instead on psychosocial aspects (DeLamater & Moorman, 2007) of desire. A rewarding sexual relationship and the positivity associated with it has been given little recognition within the long-term relationship (Hinchcliff & Gott, 2004). Yet with improved health care prolonging life, physically healthy middle-aged couples can remain sexually active for a further thirty years or more (DeLamater & Moorman, 1 For the purposes of the literature review I am loosely defining midlife as 40-50 years old, but the age span is extended in the research design as co-researchers’ ages ranged from 37-56 years. 1 2007). Therefore, because the midlife woman has significant years ahead to embrace sexual enjoyment (Fodor & Franks, 1990), it feels pertinent to consider how couples can maintain and extend a vibrant and active sexual interest along with the added years. Physical maturity does not equate to a halt of sexual development, instead it is something that is an ongoing process of transition (Sharpe, 2003). Biological age is not a sole cause of a decline in sexual activity, rather familiarity and waning novelty affect satisfaction (Burgess, 2004, p. 441). There is a negative transmission of social messages from society (Flaake, 2005) about those older embracing their sexuality. Western culture promotes sex as the prerogative of the youth, especially in context of the desire to procreate. There is an assumption that sexuality declines and disappears with age (Loe, 2004), that the idea of copulating is somehow distasteful unless those participating are youthful and attractive (Zilbergeld, 2004, p. 7). The ‘social construction of female sexual identity is entwined with youthfulness and thus societal stereotypes subscribe that older women are sexually unattractive’ (Sontag, 1978, as cited by Hinchcliff & Gott, 2004). Issues such as lethargy and stress from daily commitments to family, home and work life, inevitably impact a woman’s interest in sex as other demands intrude. However, there may be factors disguising deeper issues (Figes, 2010, p. 181). A woman may give inadequate attention to her sexual agency (Wood et al., 2007), and subdue her personal needs to prioritise her husband’s arousal. This may indicate a lack of sexual authenticity within themselves and in their relationships. The sexual act 2 paradoxically is often a physical union but an emotional separation. The bedrock of intimacy problems lies in an eroded ability to communicate in all other aspects of the relationship, which then inevitably impacts sexual connectedness. Erotic sex as opposed to reproductive sex, thus needs to be considered in a relational context (Orbach, 1999, p. 202). Much that is written about midlife sexuality focuses on men and their concerns at losing virility. Pharmaceutical investment in the loss of male sex drive is significant, with products such as Viagra immensely popular (Figes, 2010, p. 178). The pursuit of a younger woman to confirm sexual attractiveness seems all too commonplace and socially acceptable. However, while the middle-aged woman may not abandon her family quite as readily and dramatically, it does not mean she has lost her sexual interest. An indication of this is explored through an examination of the powerful and explosive impact of the concept of ‘mummy porn’ and the success of E. L. James Shades of Grey trilogy. Mainstream western society has become more sexually vocal as women the globe over are heatedly debating the erotic themes of the novels. The options open to the woman who is not sexually content in her relationship can lead to potentially unsatisfactory outcomes. She may seek sexual thrills outside of the marriage. The marriage may amble along until once children have left home, and responsibilities to the family have lessened, a woman may decide she and her spouse no longer have shared interests, potentially leading to a marriage breakdown. Alternatively, she may suppress her sexual identity as unimportant and an ignored aspect of her psyche. 3 Consequently, the purpose of this research is to consider how women can best sanction their sexuality, as the most positive and empowering outcome would be a re-investment in the relationship and an exploration of ways to sexually stimulate the marriage, should it be necessary. 1.2. Researcher positioning [redacted for ethical reasons] What were the sex lives like of women in middle age who have been with one partner for fifteen years or more? Possibly, a foundation question was simply whether or not women were satisfied with their sex lives, and the rationale behind their responses. Hence, the research idea was conceived. I wondered if anyone would be prepared to discuss such an intimate and sensitive area of their private lives, as ‘there is something deeply forbidden about sex per se’ with ‘sexual recognition . . . strangely absent in heterosexually inclined women’ (Orbach, 1999, p. 201). A recently survey by mobile phone company O2 (2012) bears this out. A published report, ‘All About You,’ suggests the top taboo dinner party topic is one’s sex life, even in the company of close friends. Contradictory to this, I noticed that once I began to tell people what I was researching, I was inundated with offers from women to participate. I adopted a heuristic relational-centred approach, as I wanted to have a cocreation of knowledge with my interviewees, since I was exploring my own views as much as theirs. As a counsellor, it also felt a congruent fit with professional skills I have in place (West, 1997). I could enable, empathize, intuitively and reflexively interpret, patiently believing something of value would be uncovered when reviewing and analysing sessions (Finlay & 4 Evans eds., 2009, p.176). Research is for acquiring knowledge, and I wanted to learn more about female sexuality for personal growth. However, it is also undertaken because one cares and seeks to make a difference (Hiles, 2001), and I felt a deep affinity with my co-researchers. Open conversations and semi-formal interviews facilitated introspection by participants regarding views of their sexual identity. [redacted for ethical reasons] Their stories were unique and reflective, and our connection has felt immensely profound. 5 CHAPTER 2: LITERATURE REVIEW The literature review seeks to examine and explore the midlife woman’s perceptions of her sexuality. It considers levels of sexual satisfaction in a long-term, monogamous relationship and how this is impacted over the years. Ingrained sexual conditions of worth provide insight into a woman’s sexual awareness and authenticity. These may be negatively influenced by patriarchal oppressions, especially if communication and intimacy within the marriage is poor. While the focus on this research is on female sexual satisfaction, consideration of the male is relevant owing to the relational context. Interestingly, the literature suggests that although a middle-aged woman might not desire regular intercourse, indications are that her libido and sexual energies are nevertheless easily stimulated. 2.1. Women’s sexual satisfaction A distinction can be made between sexuality, sexual behaviour and sexual desire (Sharpe, 2003), but this research is a focus on the concept of satisfaction within a long-term relationship, and so links all three. Sexual satisfaction is the degree to which an individual is happy with this aspect of their relationship. It is a subjective response arising from an evaluation of perceived positive and negative dimensions associated with one’s sexual relationship (Lawrance & Byers, 1998, as cited by Sprecher & Cate, 2004, p. 236). For instance, if sexual frequency has reduced over time, this is not an issue if both within the relationship are having their expectations met (Scott Christopher & Kisler, 2004, p. 375). However, if one in the relationship is dissatisfied, then marital quality and psychological well-being can be affected (Burgess, 2004, p. 442). 6 Many women in a long-term relationship still enjoy a satisfying and emotionally fulfilling sex life that is based on a communicated intimacy and trust with their spouse. However, it is fairly inevitable that significant longitudinal changes will occur in a couple’s sex lives, as a monogamous couple possibly settle into a routine where sex is either neglected or boredom predominates. Human lives are constantly in a state of flux, and just as with time there are shifts in biology and emotional well-being, so too are sex and sexuality (Burgess, 2004, p. 444) in transition. Heightened passion and meaningful sex is most prevalent in the early stages of the relationship, especially when combined with a focus on procreation (Hinchcliff & Gott, 2004). Inevitably, this reduces in a longterm relationship, as married couples face multiple demands on their time and resources. Specifically within a long-term marriage, a woman’s perceptions of her levels of sexuality can be affected by a number of factors that can lead to a neglect of her own needs. Having children impacts the regularity and intensity of a couple’s sex lives (Scott Christopher & Kisler, 2004, p. 378). A mother may no longer be able to perceive herself as authentically sexual, this dimension instead ‘excluded, disassociated, absent or split off’ (Orbach, 1999, p. 203). If passion has ebbed, the midlife woman may regretfully absorb western culture’s presentation of sexual pleasure as thrilling and always intensely enjoyable, and be disappointed if hers is unsatisfying, unwelcome and lacklustre (Figes, 2010, p. 166). Masters et al. (1994, as cited by DeLamater & Moorman, 2007), suggest women repress sexual interest as a defensive strategy to prevent potential frustration and depression. However, even if sexual encounters are 7 disappointing, it does not necessarily indicate that sex is no longer important to her. It is therefore relevant to consider and examine potential sexual conditions of worth if a woman is to be sexually authentic and not just a motherly biological creature (Gergen, 1990). 2.2. Sexual conditions of worth Women absorb and internalise messages regarding the appropriate place for sexuality in their lives from multiple origins, and is a complex internal negotiation (Wood et al., 2007). These can be sexual messages they received earlier in life from parents and society, which translated as their personal beliefs about sexuality and sexual expression. Depending on what these are, a woman can often learn to place less emphasis on her own experience, thereby surrendering her ‘sexual agency’ (Wood, Mansfield & Koch, 2007). If a woman has grown up with the concept that ‘nice’ girls do not have sexual feelings, they could have repressed such feelings out of shame, which can in turn lead to a passive approach in the bedroom (Litvinoff, 1999, p. 79). This lack of congruence is key, as optimal sexual experiences need a psychological and sexually authentic presence. Communicating needs can’t be done unless one has knowledge of them. Being aware of and honest about one’s desires and then to be open about them is a prerequisite to great sex (Kleinplatz & Ménard, 2007). How then might a woman’s sexual positioning translate in her relationship? 8 2.3. Intersectionality Intersectionality refers to the shifting roles of men and women in relation to their sexual identities. Within feminist sociology, it has become a buzzword (Davis, 2008) as these differences have been theorised. For a woman, there can be an interconnectedness of subjugation, such as sexism, homophobia or patriarchal sexual oppression. Intersectionality can ‘map [these] geometries of oppressions’ (McCall, 2005). Intersectionality as a lived experience, as opposed to theorising alone (Taylor, 2009), can facilitate an understanding of the midlife woman’s sexuality. Much debate on this concept in recent years has been about varying sexual orientations, such as gay and lesbian (Taylor, 2011), and the working classes (Binnie, 2011). This assignment, however, is specifically concerned with the non-marginalised middle-class, heterosexual woman. The focus within this particular population has been ‘how women and their sexualities are controlled or disciplined in patriarchal and hetronormative ways (Brown, 2011). ‘Many women arrive at second adulthood with their sexuality still, hidden and silent’ (Braun Levine, 2006). Personal perspective and enjoyment may be denied or ignored, except for the acknowledgement of sex as a patriarchal marital obligation. A liberated female sexual agency to recognise and act on desire and sexual pleasure is constrained by a maledominated culture (Winterich, 2003). While the term ‘male sexuality’ conjures up powerful images of men’s desire for women, the phrase ‘female sexuality’ conjures up only visions of women’s wombs and vaginas, graphic illustrations of women’s reproductive systems as depicted in the sea of textbooks in the health section of the library or bookstore. But few female voices speak out to describe their pleasure, to define precisely what 9 feels good and what does not (Dalma Heyn, as quoted by Ogden, 1999, p. 4). There is an assumption that women’s sex drive is generally lower than that of men. While this may often be accurate, this can cloud a woman examining why she does not desire sex with her spouse. It may not be a lower libido; it could be other factors, such as her partner being a poor lover, or her being with the wrong person. While the focus of this research is women’s sexual satisfaction, it is clear that a husband may not be satisfied either, despite his sexual needs being met. 2.4. It is a man’s world – or is it? In this light, while there may be a concept of male privilege, simply being a man should not automatically assume that he has a certain set of characteristics (Alilunas, 2011) that undermines a woman’s sexual identity. Research seems to indicate that it is generally the woman who is more likely to lose interest in sex (Scott Christopher & Sprecher, 2004). She may follow a demand/withdraw pattern as she criticizes and wishes for change, with her husband typically avoiding these spousal discussions (Bradbury, Fincham & Beach, 2000). This then sparks further demands for engagement and a resultant declining marital satisfaction, which impacts emotional and intimate connections. Sexual frequency may be a marital component, however, satisfaction is not necessarily correlated with regularity (Gager & Yabiku, 2010). Wives often have sex with their husbands, despite a lack of desire, usually because of a sense of marital obligation, or are motivated by issues such as a fear of their spouse having an affair, or leaving them for someone younger or more sexually driven. A woman may just sexually engage for 10 her husband to achieve an end goal of orgasm, but with no ‘mutuality during the encounter’ and not feeling ‘as much desired as desiring’ (Kleinplatz & Ménard, 2007). Potentially equally deflating for the man however, as how might it feel to have intercourse with the knowledge that his spouse wishes the act to be over swiftly? What of the male ego that is subtly undermined by awareness that he is no longer readily able to passionately engage his partner? If communication is poor between the couple then a vicious circle of unfulfilling sex will ensue. If both within the relationship are potentially dissatisfied on some level, what is the key to resolving this? It is necessary to consider and investigate how married couples communicate their sexuality (Scott Christopher & Sprecher, 2000). 2.5. Intimacy and communication Sexual communication is particularly critical in relational satisfaction. Zilbergeld’s (2004, p. 92) observation that talking provides an opportunity to move in a positive erotic direction, holds validity for relationships in general. Sexologist and editor of Sex Journal of Africa, Dr Bernard Levinson (2012), has observed over years of practice that communication is central to resolving sexual and relational difficulties. He identified two main categories of relationships, both existing within a working world, equally managing the stresses and demands of daily life, yet with a significant difference. Those emotionally connected maintained an intimacy that was nurtured by a mutual awareness, celebrations together, a sensitivity to each other and the ability to joke and share experiences. 11 The opposite side of the spectrum were those couples who were trying so hard to ‘get it right’, that this resulted in them letting intimacy slip, being too busy to touch, jest, and enjoy each other’s company. This blocks and hinders a satisfying sexual connectedness as emotional intimacy underpins viable sexuality. A desire for change in sexual qualities is reportedly more about a woman’s personal quest as opposed to an intention to alter their partner (Mansfield, Koch & Voda, 1998). She may verbalise these sexual desires; however, articulation is potentially difficult to do, as there is a risk of vulnerability leading to rejection or humiliation (Montesi, Fauber, Gordon & Heimberg, 2011). But if a couple is able to take the risk, it is an indication of effective communication in all areas, and suggests an overall marital and relational strength. Intimacy is fundamental to the maintenance of sexual viability in a longterm relationship. Themes of sharing, trust and love (Hinchcliff & Gott, 2004) convey a commitment, which translates to a sexual intimacy. Indeed, Baumeister & Bratslavsky (1999) argue that raising intimacy can create a strong sense of passion as emotions are fuelled, for example noting that makeup sex after an argument or time apart is often memorable. If this is the case then it is possible to re-ignite a faltering, and uninspiring sex life. Certainly social and popular media messages seem to indicate that the midlife woman is greatly interested in more erotic engagements, as discussed in the next section. 12 2.6. ‘Mummy porn’ Popular western culture indicates that the middle-aged woman’s sexuality is an area of phenomenal interest. The media regularly showcases sexual intrigue, desires and ways to maintain a vigorous sexual identity, through platforms such as television shows and magazine articles. Fantasising and imagination can stimulate sexuality, as explored in this examination of ‘mummy porn’. This is a term coined by the media and heralds an interesting phenomenon that seems to have been titillating suburbia across the globe with increasingly outspoken fascination. This initially whispered term had its origins in the popularity of author E. L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey (2012) trilogy, which traces a salacious relationship between a virginal young student and a naturally irresistible billionaire. Standard romantic Mills and Boon, except for the fact that the erotic focus is less vanilla, and more on risqué sado-masochistic domination. The heroine is artfully manipulated and gradually drawn into an uncomfortable domain, both emotionally and physically, that clashes with her better judgement. She is nevertheless simultaneously orgasmic on every conceivable level. Success of the novel can partly be attributed to the fact that it was initially released on the internet. Women were thus able to download it and discreetly devour its pages without a dustcover revealing the potentially forbidden nature of the novel. Over a million copies were purchased in the first eleven weeks on sale, making it a faster-seller than JK Rowling’s Harry Potter or Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code (Greenhill, 2012). Such has been its success and the resultant salacious interest in erotic novels targeted at women, that publishers are rewriting literary classics, such as 13 the Bronte’s sisters, Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights, and Jane Austin’s Pride and Prejudice, to contain sex scenes that were originally left to the imagination of the reader. Moir (2012, p. 37) argues that women’s fascination with the trilogy is not the semi-pornographic nature of the content, which in her view becomes highly repetitive and boring. Her perspective is that the underlying romantic theme of an insecure heroine, who is swept away by a financially secure saviour, is what has attracted women’s interest. She states it is ‘a vehicle of the insecurities of millions of women, a conduit for the atavistic desire for a dominant male, not to mention the modern longing for a very rich one to take all the worry away.’ Of course romanticism entices, but without the erotic mix it would not have been such a phenomenon. While there are indeed only so many ways to bring the heroine to orgasm in original prose, one can argue that it is the erotica as opposed to the storyline that has captured imagination the world over. It seems the public nature of the novels has granted women permission to talk more openly about sex and their interest in it. The literature has given women a voice. Pelling (2012) echoes by Moir by acknowledging the hook of the reassuringly familiar underlying romantic theme, but she sees this stemming in part from readers’ disappointment in their own marital lovemaking. Pearson (2012) makes this same point, recognizing that unsatisfying sex lives fuel fantasies of an attentive, adoring, and powerful man to take control and bring unbridled pleasure. It ties in with an observation made by Dr. Michael Krychman (Butler, 2012), Director of the 14 Southern California Centre for Sexual Health, who commented on the erotic nature of the discussed literature: [when] women tell me they stop investing emotionally or sexually in their relationships . . . the relationship suffers. That is why I recommend bibliotherapy (reading that they find erotic). . . This is an important part of any relationship, and studies suggest that women can look better and live longer with satisfying sex. That said, the protagonist needs to be revisited in 20 years’ time to assess her libido and levels of passion, as at this early phase of the relationship she has no gag reflex, never suffers cystitis, and has an insatiable energy that suggests she is the master of all fakers (TV, Channel 4, 2012). Possibly a sequel with a middle-aged heroine might not be an equitable best seller. 2.7. Opening Pandora’s Box However, there are times in a long-term relationship when a woman might wake up next to the same body and think ‘is this it?’ and according to statistics this occurs somewhere between day 1460 and 3650 (de Bruyn, 2012). An interesting area of controversy is raging around a dating website aimed at those married and seeking an affair, AshleyMadison.com, whose slogan is ‘Life is short. Have an affair.’ Founded by Noel Biderman, his view is that it is unnatural and often monotonous to remain monogamous, as people, circumstances and relationships change. He claims the service saves more marriages than are broken by it, as many members are in sexless marriages yet have no wish to divorce. The clientele are seeking thrills that they cannot find with their spouses, but wish to remain married to avoid the cost, change and distress associated with separation (Daum, 2009). 15 The popularity of the website amongst women would suggest it is fulfilling a need within the market place, and is attracting the suburban housewife seeking validation of her desirability. Dr Marlene Wasserman, while opposing the website for exploiting human misery, acknowledges that: It’s very difficult having sex with the same person year after year. Marriage is managerial. Accommodating. Mundane. After a while it almost becomes incestuous having sex with someone you are raising children with. It takes an enormous amount of self-control to stay faithful. (de Bruyn, 2012). Social scientist, Dr Catherine Hakim (2012), also supports infidelity in her recently released book, The New Rules: Internet Dating, Playfairs and Erotic Power, arguing that recreational extra marital sex can re-invigorate a marriage and avoid divorce. Although understandable, boredom in a relationship does not necessarily indicate a desire for infidelity. It is often a desire for novelty and not about searching for a new compatible long-term partner (Barta & Kiene, 2005). If possible, it would be preferable for a couple to communicate a ‘turning towards each other [inviting] intimacy’ (Nelson et al., 2008), and reformulating sex in the context of their relationship, rather than jeopardising the marriage. 2.8. Conclusion The literature provides insight into women’s experience of their sexuality and would suggest that a satisfying sex life in a long-term relationship, while existing, may over time become lacklustre, unfulfilling and of reduced importance. This is due to factors such as the demands and stresses of life placed upon a couple, such as work and financial concerns. A woman may also downplay her sexuality as she becomes more defined 16 by other roles, such as those of a wife and/or mother. Although sex within the marriage may not be as passionate and frequent as at the start of the relationship, indications are that she will still engage in intercourse to satisfy her husband. Nevertheless, popular culture indicates that the midlife woman is seeking more thrilling, romantic interactions. Relational intimacy suggests an emotional connectedness, which can stimulate a more satisfying sex life. It feels as if a clearer understanding is necessary, as much of the current research does not seem specific or deep enough. It is possible that a gratifying sex life has little bearing on a satisfying relationship, but equally, it might be a significant factor in marital contentment. If indications are that a woman lives with a repressed sexual agency, or seeks satisfaction with another, or alternatively divorces, there has to be a healthier alternative.2 A preferable option might be to seek ways to either maintain sexual connectedness over the years, or if it has dissipated, to consider how to re-ignite it. A direct engagement of the midlife women in a long-term relationship is appropriate, and gives rise to the research design that follows. It is an investigation into women’s perceptions of sex and it endeavours to uncover their views and unique perspectives. Dependent on the findings, it will then be of interest to address the implications of these views. If a woman’s sexual relations with her husband are unfulfilling, what factors are contributing to this, and therefore how might they be addressed moving forward. Alternatively, if sex lives are found to be satisfying, how does a women create and sustain 2 It is important to acknowledge that some relationships may not be sustainable, but the scope of this paper does not allow for an exploration of this. 17 this over time? If this can be identified, it can be used in a therapeutic context to facilitate empowerment for those clients who have sexual and relational concerns. 18 CHAPTER 3: RESEARCH DESIGN AND METHOD The research design has been developed from the questions raised by an examination of the literature in the previous section. I explain my chosen methodology and the ethical recruitment of participants, the collection of data and how I approached my analysis. I proceed to discuss my findings and consider limitations and opportunity for further research. I conclude after considering the usefulness of therapy in assisting women who may present with sexual concerns. 3.1. Participants Participants were recruited in a manner in keeping with the British Educational Research Association (BERA) guidelines for Educational Research (BERA, 2004). Ethical approval from the researcher’s supervisor was secured. The eight participants were all women with a mean age of 45 years (the youngest being 37, and the eldest 56). All were in long-term heterosexual, monogamous relationships with an average length of 17 years (ranging from 15 to 30), and with the exception of one, were married. All had children bar one. All could be categorised as middle-class and white, and had some level of higher education. With the exception of one who was on a career break, all were working in either a voluntary or a paid position. Overall health status was good except for two participants who had chronic illnesses. However, physical ailments did not significantly impinge on their or other interviewees’ sexual desire or ability to engage in penetrative sex, with the exception of one participant who suffered from vaginal dryness. 19 3.2. Data collection Owing to the potentially intrusive nature of the topic, individual interviews were conducted to allow for a sensitive exploration of each participant’s perspective. These were conducted in a semi-formal style, partly therapeutic and largely conversational (Kvale, 1996, p. 5), in order to uncover interviewees’ viewpoints in as relaxed a manner as possible. While the interviewer had a basic set of questions [redacted for ethical reasons], these were not prescriptive, and allowed flexibility to follow the participants’ train of thought and explore issues as they arose. Each interview was conducted at a time and in a setting convenient to participants. An information sheet was given to interviewees explaining the nature of the research [redacted for ethical reasons], and that names would be changed to ensure anonymity and confidentiality. Additional questions were invited if further clarification was necessary. Names have been changed to ensure anonymity. A consent form [redacted for ethical reasons], was read and signed by participants and a discussion held as to their rights and the ethical nature of the research. Consent was sought to audio tape the interview, with recordings to be deleted once the research was complete. Questions and subsequent conversation focussed on the sexual relationship between them and their partners, with issues addressed such as: perceptions of the importance of sex within their relationship; frequency and regularity of sex; factors affecting sexual satisfaction and desire for their partner; self-esteem and its impact on sexual desire and identity; fluctuating libido and the impact of dual roles such as wife and/or 20 mother; relevance of self-pleasuring; and whether or not concerns and/or needs around sexual issues could be readily communicated with their partners. It was made clear prior to the interview that participants were under no obligation to respond to any line of questioning or discussion that felt uncomfortable. 3.3. Research methodology I adopted a heuristic research approach, which is a method created by Moustakas (West, 1996), which allows for questioning and methodology to flow out of inner meanings and inspirations. This is achieved through direct accounts of individuals (Moustakas, 1990). The data was co-created owing to the facilitative nature of the interviews. Flexible open-ended questioning was adopted, as opposed to a rigid, prescriptive set of question, which enabled participants to explore issues of relevance for them. Unwittingly, my research took on a facilitative role as interviews and discussion evoked thinking and changing. Thus my understanding of the data was also grounded in the phenomenological, as owing to the uniqueness of each woman’s sexual experience I needed to seek some form of distance so as not to cloud findings with my own subjectivity. I sought to capture as realistically and closely as possible how their phenomenon was experienced (Finlay & Evans, eds., 2009, p. 20). Each interview was studied to note emergent themes (Hinchcliff & Gott, 2004) and evolve a creative synthesis of each individual discussion. It was necessary to seek patterns and themes as well as differences, and ‘define and delineate the phenomenon’ (McLeod, 2003, p. 74). The extent of difference in each individual’s story was significant, such that patterns and 21 themes were not immediately obvious. It was also important to recognise the wider context of each individual’s experience, and not reduce them to generalities. Each participant’s lived experience is also grounded in the wider societal issues generated by the western culture they are a part of and which influences perspective. While there was no accurate way of measuring how valid each account was, my felt sense was that each participant authentically engaged with the process. As I enquired and initiated dialogue, it seemed that most were focussed and interested in sex, but had just never felt it socially acceptable to openly verbalise this interest. The more women talked about their sexual identity and perspectives, the more they seemed to gain a greater sense of sexual ‘selfhood’ (Bryant & Schofield, 2007). Many benefitted from a normalisation of what for many had felt quite an isolating place to be in their minds. Given a confidential forum to express their thoughts, and an unspoken ‘permission’ to think about their own attitudes towards sex, the ‘conversations seemed to facilitate the women’s movement towards personal empowerment ‘(Banister, 1999). 3.4. Heuristic research considerations As the topic resonated with my own core experience, at times it felt challenging to remain objective. There has been a tension and polarity between my subjective assumptions and interpretations, understanding that there is no universal truth or ‘right’ interpretation of data (Gergen, Chrisler & LoCicero, 1999). Explicitly identifying my process has been a necessary part of my research as my subjective evaluation needed to be 22 held accountable and examined: ‘Don’t look at the world as it is, but as we are’ (Anaïs Nin, author, 1903-1977). While immersing myself in the words of each woman, being such a sensitive and personal topic, it was difficult not to be touched and impacted by what each shared. On many levels, this too made it difficult, because it felt vital to be responsible to those who had so generously agreed to share intimate details of their lives with me. I was acutely aware that they were all interested in reading my findings, and I noticed my anxiety around this. I had to be true to each and represent their unique journey respectfully, with a sense of gentleness and humanity. However, I equally recognised that my fears around the participants reading my research could distort my findings and become a variable that needed to be accounted for, as I wanted my research to be valid and meaningful. Banister (1999) noted similar unexpected and uncomfortable feelings, and she found that reflexivity enabled her to accept, articulate and incorporate these feelings. I attempted to engage with this concept, which encouraged my self-awareness of what was resonating when researching. To deal with such demanding self-reflecting, I utilised supervision extensively (West, 1997). I examined my implicit and complicit reactions to each woman, in order to ensure the subjective did not counteract the objective. I did not seek total detachment, as qualitative research is all about relationship and connection, but I needed to ensure I was true to the essence of each woman’s experience, untainted and unclouded by my own (Moustakas, 1990). 23 3.5. Analysis The interviews were analysed to assess differences and commonalties within the data. All attached an importance to the role of sex within their relationships and the majority were engaging in sexual intercourse with varied frequency. The exception to this were two participants whose marriages were co-incidentally in crisis. However, many expressed a lack of interest in having sex. I just don’t have any desire, I don’t need it. It’s almost like it’s not there anymore. (Jane, aged 41) The way I see sex is I don’t need it, I don’t even think about it, I don’t feel I’m missing anything and I’ve told him. (Bryony, aged 37) I like cuddles, holding hands, the intimacy, but the act of sex I can take it or leave it. (Pat, aged 56) The reasons for continuing to engage in sexual relations with their husbands stemmed from marital obligations; a trade-off to gain some form of household or emotional support, or a fear of them seeking sexual gratification elsewhere. Sometimes I initiate it when I think, oh god, you know it’s been a long time, perhaps I should, you know it’s only fair. (Pat, aged 56) I’ll get into the process of having sex with him to keep him happy. I don’t enjoy it, it’s a process I go through and 9 times out of 10 I’m kind of pushing him away and not giving out any signals. Then I think it’s been a few days so I better have sex with him but it isn’t anything I particularly enjoy and I’m not doing it for me, I’m doing it for him to keep him happy. Sex is something I do for him rather than myself. (Jane, aged 41) There have been so many times when I’ve given into it either to change his mood or simply get him to do something I wanted like watch the kids. (Charlotte, aged 40) On the surface this might imply that the women were being dutiful wives and such acquiescence might foster an intimacy that leads to marital satisfaction and continued fidelity. However, on some levels there was a 24 sense of inauthenticity, a repressing of their sexual needs, as something unnecessary and no longer relevant. This lack of congruence with self and the spouse instead might provide fertile ground for a pattern of unsatisfying sexual encounters, even if their earlier sex lives were fulfilling. If a woman agrees to sex purely to satisfy her husband’s needs, then she will most likely be wishing it over speedily. Consequently she will be left dissatisfied, and her negative perceptions of intimacy reinforced. The husband presumably senses his wife’s reluctance and in turn performs quickly to satisfy his own needs so as not to prolong a disconnected emotional intimacy. An outcome of this might be that the once effective lover may through such circumstances and subtle rejecting messages, become patriarchal, and self-pleasing, which in turn perpetuates the cycle of dissatisfaction. Within relationships, there are clear commonalities as to what women require to feel desirable and sexual. A spouse wanting sex with them does not necessarily translate to her feeling this way. Intimacy, foreplay and an emotional connection are sought by women and if this need is not met then the sexual encounter tends to leave the woman disappointed. Attempts to communicate needs seem regularly unheard or disregarded. To turn me on he has to talk to me, kiss me, touch me, but he never wants to take time… five minutes… (Saskia, aged 42). We never really touch and if I touch his hand, sit close to him, lay next to him, he goes for sex every single time. I’ve told him over the years how degraded this makes me feel, he sounds concerned but then the next time, within minutes, his hands are all over me. (Charlotte, aged 40) Originally he used to be romantic and caring and now that’s just sort of disappeared over time. He can still say nice things but they don’t feel nice. His foreplay is facing me in bed, that means let’s have sex. (Mandy, aged 44) 25 Without question one of the barriers to sexual energy lay in the lethargy resulting from the stresses of daily life, especially from having children. When trying for children, sex was understandably very much a necessary and desirable aspect of their relationships, although for some, there was also an element of losing the fun and spontaneity of the act when the goal was to conceive. But following birth and subsequent demands of a family the frequency of intercourse in general declined. Partly this was due to tiredness associated with chores, with sex relegated to the bottom of the list, especially when coupled with a sense that the husband was not contributing sufficiently to the household tasks. Frustration at perceived lack of support led to alienation and a reduced emotional connection and a resultant avoidance of sex. He might do bits at the weekend but the whole routine of the week is down to me, and he literally swans in. I’m bloody knackered and so for me sex is like the last thing on my list. (Jane, aged 41) Intriguingly, although this aspect of the demands of children and chores was a recurrent theme, the impact of motherhood was more implicitly concerning. A redefining of themselves as mothers reduced the notion of them perceiving themselves as having sexual agency, as if being a parent was not symbiotic with being sexual. There must be some kind of condition of worth in me that you can’t be around children and be sexy because the two are inappropriate somehow. So I don’t see myself as a sexy person and I don’t think about sex, and sex just isn’t part of my worth when the children are about. (Bryony, aged 37) An added complication may be her husband struggling to see the mother of his children as sexy, for instance some men may be negatively impacted after witnessing labour. He may instead place her in a new role that does not allow for true sexual expression, especially of the carnal, 26 animalistic side of desire. One participant explained how her spouse, despite repeated requests, would never ‘talk dirty’ to her, or watch her dance, or comment on her attractiveness, assigning her the role of mother to his children and someone to run the household. He looked at me like a dad. Even if there were sexy things on the TV he would turn them off, like you would if it was your daughter. (Saskia, aged 42) For some women, their views of sex had been tainted by negative messages absorbed from childhood, clouding their views about sex being something to be celebrated and uninhibited about. My mum was never very keen on sex;; she didn’t like the actual act of sex and didn’t get any pleasure from it. So I don’t know whether it’s learnt behaviour or whether the makeup of my bits is inherited because so many things you know are the same. (Pat, aged 56) I remember my grandma saying she only had sex to have her babies and that she hated sex, and that it was such a shock the first time she had sex. (Jane, aged 41) However, despite any apparent lack of interest in regular sex, with the exception of one interviewee, all were interested in exploring their sexuality. Sexual release through masturbation was openly acknowledged by the majority, but they tended to do it in isolation. Although they did masturbate their spouses, they did not in general masturbate themselves as part of love making with their husbands. Masturbation is quicker and I can do it whenever I want to, read a couple of pages of my sexy book [Shades of Grey], and then the job’s done. (Bryony, aged 37) I keep thinking about sex and I was thinking of getting one of those vibrating things. I’ve never used one. I’m going to try it. (Saskia, aged 42) Most had used or were considering using sex toys such as vibrators; read erotic literature, (virtually every woman I interviewed had, for example, either read Shades of Grey, or intended to); and some wished to view 27 pornography. The main issues inhibiting acting on such desires, were not knowing where to purchase sex aids, accompanied by an embarrassment around purchasing them. This suggests that while libido may appear low, sexual drive is still evident. When you noticed that I don’t have desires or feelings in that way but that I do masturbate sometimes... and it’s like, oh, hang on a minute, so I do have then, so it’s not completely switched off. It’s very interesting. (Jane, aged 41) Talking normalised their varied emotions and minimised guilt and accompanied shame. Many of the interviewees, despite feeling so strongly about their views and feelings, were anxious that they were somehow abnormal and strange. I often wonder if my feelings are completely off the wall, if I’m crazy or completely unusual. (Charlotte, aged 40) I didn’t know who to ask. I didn’t have a sister and I couldn’t ask my mum. I keep reading magazines as I didn’t know, because I’ve never had sexual relations with anyone else. (Saskia, aged 42) You know the thing is, I don’t know what’s normal. You know, girls don’t talk about sex in the same way men do. (Jane, aged 41) Several followed up informally after the interviews and said how they had been thinking extensively about their sex lives. I’m so not interested in sex with him. It has gotten to the point where it is appalling to me. But I also think I’ve never been more interested in all my life. I would love to be with someone who I feel sexy and attractive around. (Charlotte, aged 40) For some it meant opening up lines of communication with their spouses. Interestingly, we’ve been talking about it recently and I’ve said we need to kind of think what we can do, cos I said I’d like to get it back. But I don’t know how, so we have been talking about how we should do more experimentation and stuff. Since I read the book [Shades of Grey], I joked and said maybe he should write a list of stuff he’d like to do more of, and 5 minutes later there it was. (Jane, aged 41) 28 For two participants, long-term thinking has evolved into a realization that they no longer wanted to be with their husbands. Presumably this was not a result of the interviews, but part of a bigger process. However, would they have concluded this without the interview, or did it facilitate the preexisting thought? Noticeable, was the fact that the interviews provided a non-judgemental forum and a sense of ‘permission’ to talk about sex and their needs, and many expressed how ‘liberating’ and empowering’ it had felt. It’s been liberating if I’m honest because I’ve said things. Yeah, I’m still young, I’m still adventurous and I can still be naughty! Yeah! (Mandy, aged 44) Because I’ve got a good relationship with my husband, so it’s been a good, positive experience. Sort of taken bit... well I didn’t have guilt but its taken any edge of that away. (Paige, aged 46) Well, I’m not going to become invisible. (Bryony, aged 37) For many, there was a felt sense of celebration around their acknowledgment of their sexuality. For others, recognition of sexual dissatisfaction within their relationships prompted a deeper consideration of what their needs might be. 3.6. Themes Owing to the uniqueness of each participant’s sexual perspective and experiences, common themes were not immediately apparent. I immersed myself in their stories and focussed on words and phraseology, and the emotions with which they were conveyed. I colour coded each coresearcher and then sorted the wordings into similar listings to identify commonalties and differences. I was aware of the significance of what meaning may lie behind a statement, and equally conscious that what is not said, can be an indication of something important or else assumed. I 29 then created the table by following a flow chart approach, to identify and link all the data. This was then contextualised to build a coherent picture of findings (Bazely, 2009), to lead into the discussion. 30 THEMATIC ANALYSIS OF DATA Two initial broad categories emerged amongst the 8 participants:3 4 - positive sexual relationship from beginning 4 - rarely enjoyed sexual sexual relations from start 3 – still enjoy sex but less of a priority 5 – no interest in spousal sex Reasons for lack of interest: tiredness; last on list of priorities in day; children take up time; no desire; sex boring and uninspiring; stressed e.g. finances; no foreplay;; patriarchal sex;; tired of initiating it;; don’t feel desirable;; have never enjoyed sex. 8 – having sex with partner4 Reasons for having sex: marital obligation; guilt over time elapsed since last sexual encounter;; to improve partner’s mood;; to illicit assistance around house or with children; desire; being drunk; children away; sex being demanded by spouse; to feel wanted and needed, on holiday so novel environment; force; empathy for partner; to demonstrate love and intimacy. What participants desire to enhance sexual interest: foreplay; cuddles and intimacy; time spent building up to penetration; experimentation, novelty and risk taking; spousal involvement and interest in household; being complimented and made to feel desirable and sexy despite bodily self esteem issues such as weight; feeling good about themselves. 7 – Masturbate, and are interested in sex toys e.g. vibrator, erotic literature and/or visual material such as pornography, with or without spousal participation. 8 – All co-researchers acknowledged the importance of sex whether or not they currently enjoyed it. 3 I acknowledge this is a simplistic categorisation, e.g. how do women define ‘not liking sex?’ This is characterised by great complexities, which I address in the preceding analysis and the subsequent discussion. 4 At the time of being interviewed, two co-researchers were recently undergoing marital crisis and had ceased intimate connections with their spouses. However, as it manifested within the previous three weeks, data is being analysed based on the long-term relationship pattern prior to this. 31 CHAPTER 4: DISCUSSION There was a clear recognition amongst all participants that sex is an important and valid part of a marriage (Hinchcliff & Gott, 2004). All were engaged in sexual relations with their spouses, except for three who were experiencing extreme marital difficulties. All women expressed having had an interest in sex at some point in their lives, with the exception of one interviewee who had never enjoyed sex or viewed it as a necessary aspect of her life. It is well to be mindful of this fact and not make an assumption that sex is important to all humans (Hinchcliff & Gott, 2004). Some individuals may be considered asexual (Scherrer, 2008). Some of the women who had originally enjoyed passionate and meaningful sex lives at the start of their relationships, were now generally less interested in intercourse. This tended to be linked to pressures of family life, and bears out the literature, which suggests that demands of children and daily stresses can impinge on a woman’s energy and interest in sexual activity with her spouse. However, the overwhelming majority acknowledged the importance of sexual relationships as a factor in marital harmony. In many cases, a significant motivation for engaging in intercourse was to please their spouses. As noted in the literature review, there was indeed a sense of patriarchal and marital obligation. Some had never wholeheartedly enjoyed sex with their husbands, finding the approach to be largely concerned with pleasuring of the spouse rather than a mutual enjoyment. However, these women made a conscious and determined effort to engage in intercourse whether or not their own needs and desires 32 were being met. This stemmed from factors such as empathy for their husbands if they had not had intercourse for a noticeable period; associated guilt around this lack of sexual engagement; or because it impacted their husband’s demeanour positively when they initiated or accepted sexual advances. Some had never relished sexual relations with their spouses but had not known if this was ‘normal’ or not and had not known who to talk to about what they were feeling. Counselling would be useful in these cases. While some were inauthentic to their sexual needs and desires, regarding this as less relevant than their roles of wives and mothers, they were largely open to exploring their sexuality. With the exception of one participant who accepts her low libido, all embrace their sexuality and their need for sexual release, even if it has been less of a priority as the years have passed in their relationships. When couples nurtured a sense of intimacy and respect an increased sexual authenticity was exhibited. This corroborates the discussion with Dr Levinson and the distinctions he made as discussed in the literature review. Those women who felt most satisfied in their sexual relations seemed to have an emotional connection to their spouse. This translated to a sexual satisfaction as they and their spouses felt more able to verbalise their needs, and were more likely to feel heard once they had done so. They were able to effectively communicate with their partners despite inevitable stumbling blocks encountered through life’s demands and stresses. Maintaining a sexual enthusiasm in a long-term monogamous relationship can be challenging, so frank verbalisation of 33 sexual needs and preferences becomes increasingly important (Montesi, Fauber, Gordon & Heimberg, 2011). While the literature considered the possibility of women being unfaithful in an attempt to counteract boredom within the marriage, the reality of those interviewed did not support this. Accepting that temptations faced some, only one interviewee had been unfaithful. This followed on from her husband’s lack of interest in sex and the pleasure gained from other men who confirmed her desirability. Following the interviews some participants re-evaluated their situations, and have begun embracing their sexual psyche. Those communicating, experimenting and sharing new experiences with their spouses were finding their interest in sex re-igniting (Baumeister & Bratslavsky, 1999). They had an appreciation of and a desire for sex. They could acknowledge patterns and reasons within their relationships when their enjoyment was negatively impacted. Those congruent to their lack of satisfaction selfactualized sufficiently to act on what they wanted. 34 CHAPTER 5: IMPLICATIONS FOR PRACTICE AND LIMITATIONS Having completed the research and linked this to the literature review, its validity and usefulness needs to be considered. I note limitations, which could be addressed in supplementary studies. An expansion of the research would be of benefit as further questions have emerged following on from the findings. As a person-centred counsellor I also note the value of therapy in addressing women’s sexual concerns and how counselling may promote and facilitate a sense of sexual empowerment. 5.1. Limitations and further research The study focussed exclusively on white, educated, middle class women, and this could be expanded to include other ethnicities, classes and sexual orientations. Owing to the liberating and empowering perspective that seemed to accompany most of the interviewees following on from discussions around their sexuality, a more longitudinal study feels necessary in order to assess and evaluate any long-term developments. On some level, inadvertently becoming what felt like a facilitative researcher, it feels almost irresponsible not to follow up with interviewees. If a form of ‘permission’ was granted to participants to express and explore their views around their sexuality, an ethical aspect of care would be to enhance their process if desired. This could be achieved by successive counselling formatted interviews, possibly after 6 months and then a year, or more regular, formal counselling sessions. If one of the aims of such research is to empower women to embrace and maintain their sexual identity, then it is possibly more ethical to make oneself available or provide a referral to 35 those who might wish it, as their thinking develops. Equally, for the research to have any impact in facilitating an improved sexual identity and experience within a long-term marriage, it will be necessary to formally assess the impact of earlier interviews on participants. While the focus of this research was on the sexual perceptions of the midlife women, it feels important that the perspective of the spouse be included in further investigations. Sexual satisfaction cannot be measured by an exploration with one half of a couple, and recruiting both would provide a more rounded perspective (Hinchcliff & Gott, 2004). While in the main, the men were being sexually satisfied by their wives, the question arose as to their emotional satisfaction. Is sexual release without emotional connectedness sufficient moving forward into old age, or does this just delay a man seeking out someone else who initially at least, sees them as sexually dynamic and irresistible? Or does he, as many of the women seem to do, accept that this is the way that life inevitably evolves for a couple who have been together many years? Ultimately, while it is clear that emotional connection, intimacy and open communication are the foundation of a stable and contented marriage, this can be further explored. Having sex does not necessarily mean that it is good, hence the question: does good sex equate to marital satisfaction, or is the presence of marital satisfaction the key to exceptional sex? (DeLamater & Moorman, 2007). Possibly they are inextricably intertwined and one cannot happen without the other, but certainly it might be a ‘sensitive barometer’ of the solidarity in a couple’s relationship (Kahr, 2007, p. xvii). Further research could investigate this more thoroughly. 36 While it may seem a simplistic and trite view, it feels sad and wasteful should a couple ultimately abandon great sex as a viable part of their long term relationship. Sex is linked to better health, lower levels of stress and an improved quality of life, all factors relevant when one considers increased longevity with advanced medical care. Additionally, it feels relevant to consider the positives inherent in the promotion of healthier sexual outlooks on society. A positive example of strong family units and values will benefit successive generations. Children observing appropriately sexually satisfied parents, espousing the importance of a loving intimate relationship, will absorb healthier attitudes towards their own sexuality. 6.2. Implications for practice Person-centred therapy can assist women by providing a confidential, nonjudgmental space to explore sexual difficulties. As noted in the research, it is often difficult to verbalise concerns around such a sensitive and potentially shaming topic. It can be difficult to find a safe and trustworthy space to question and express isolating sexual concern, and therapy can provide this opportunity. Counselling may help normalise a woman’s sexual perspectives and complex emotions, and provide a forum to explore the nature of unmet expectations. It can assist the self-actualisation process by facilitating an uncovering of a client’s conditions of worth, which may be influencing her sexuality. For example, if a client has little or no interest in sex, the roots of this may be traced back to childhood. Learned views that have become implicit, such as sex being something bad or dirty, might be preventing 37 enjoyment. Uncovering these can lead to a client challenging and modifying such beliefs. Just as a number of participants expressed how liberated and empowered they felt at the end of the interviews, so too can therapy facilitate a similar reaction. Personally I have become more congruent and self aware as I have challenged and explored my sexual self-concept. This heightened awareness will undoubtedly positively translate into my counselling. I now wonder if previously subtle introjects may have resulted in client judgements of which I was not aware. In expanding my thinking, of having ‘gone there and been there,’ I am able to offer an enhanced therapeutic space for clients to express themselves. 38 CHAPTER 5: CONCLUSION Admiration is a very short-lived passion that immediately decays upon growing familiar with its object, unless it still be fed with fresh discoveries, and kept alive by a perpetual succession of miracles rising into its view. Joseph Addison (Rubin & Campbell, 2012). Research can help counsellors to understand therapy from the client’s frame of reference (Cooper, 2008, p. 2). These findings promote an understanding of the complexities of a woman’s sexual identity, and her evolving and changing interest in sex within a long-term relationship. There is a complex interplay of biological, social and psychological factors (Hinchcliff, Gott & Ingleton, 2010) that affect sexual perspectives and needs. An empowerment of women and a growth in her sexual selfhood (Bryant & Schofield, 2007) is a research goal, as gaining insight into these dynamics can be the basis to sustaining and/or reinvigorating a satisfying sexual relationship. Counselling can assist this process of heightened awareness around introjects and conditions of worth that undermine a woman as a sexual being. Sustainable and viable sexuality seems clearly linked to the existence of effective communication and the nurturing of intimacy between a couple. As a woman ages, an active sex life builds self-esteem as it affirms attractiveness and desirability (Hinchcliff & Gott, 2004). If physically healthy and emotionally connected within a relationship, a midlife couple can remain sexually active for three or four further decades (DeLamater & Moorman, 2007). This surely is incentive enough to actively choose to work at a good and satisfying sex life. 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