Download Sexuality of the Middle-Class, Midlife Woman

Sexuality of the Middle-Class, Midlife Woman:
Research on the Nature and Significance of Sexual
Satisfaction Within a Long-Term Relationship
Stephanie Jeans
ABSTRACT
The question of sustained sexual interest and fluctuating libido in the
midlife (40-50 years), monogamous heterosexual woman in a long-term
relationship, has tended to be researched in the context of abnormality or
ill health. Academic studies have not adequately addressed emotional
needs and perceptions. Popular culture indicates that this is an age when
far from losing interest in sex, the healthy, middle-aged woman embraces
her sexuality. This paper seeks to examine the reality of this
demographic's sex lives and unearth views held by those who have been
with one partner for 15 years or more. Specifically this research looks at
factors affecting sexual satisfaction and significance attached to sex within
the relationship. While results indicate that all regard intimacy as vital,
many are not sexually satisfied and suppress the relevance of enjoyment
as secondary to other assigned roles. Pleasurable sex is linked to an
emotional and intimate connection between spouses, which stems from
effective and consistent communication. The implications are such that if
needs can be effectively conveyed in a relationship, a healthy sexual
interaction can be nurtured and grown as part of a long-term relationship,
as opposed to diminishing in importance.
KEY WORDS: long-term relationships; mid-life woman, sexual satisfaction
TABLE OF CONTENTS
CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION
1
1.1.
Research focus
1
1.2.
Researcher Positioning
4
CHAPTER 2: LITERATURE REVIEW
7
2.1.
Women’s sexual satisfaction
7
2.2.
Sexual conditions of worth
9
2.3.
Intersectionality
10
2.4.
It is a man’s world – or is it?
11
2.5.
Intimacy and communication
12
2.6.
‘Mummy porn’
14
2.7.
Opening Pandora’s Box
16
2.8.
Conclusion
17
CHAPTER 3: RESEARCH DESIGN METHOD
20
3.1.
Participants
20
3.2.
Data collection
21
3.3.
Research methodology
22
3.4.
Heuristic research considerations
23
3.5.
Analysis
25
3.6.
Themes
30
3.7.
Thematic analysis of data
32
CHAPTER 4: DISCUSSION
33
CHAPTER 5: LIMITATIONS AND IMPLICATIONS FOR PRACTICE
36
5.1.
Limitations and further research
36
5.2.
Implications for practice
38
CHAPTER 6: CONCLUSION
REFERENCES
APPENDICES
40
CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION AND PERSONAL
1.1.
Research focus
Sex is a basic human drive, much as needing to eat or sleep, and most
physically healthy couples can choose to engage in sexual intercourse.
However, satisfying sex does not necessarily follow and is something that
requires work and attention (Litvinoff, 1999). The sexual interest and
desire of a midlife1 woman in a heterosexual, monogamous relationship
fluctuates along with other life experiences. Within the long-term
relationship, this is especially relevant. In light of current increased
longevity owing to advances in health care, this is an area worthy of
consideration, as the midlife woman has significant years ahead to
embrace sexual enjoyment (Fodor & Franks, 1990).
It is a difficult topic to research owing to the private nature of human
copulation, but academic interest has grown since Kinsey’s study of sexual
behaviour in the 1950s (Kinsey Institute, 2012). However, professional
discourse seems to focus on sexual psychopathology (Kleinplatz & Ménard,
2007), associated with factors such as aging and menopause. While ill
health is a relevant factor which affects libido and sexual interest, this
paper focuses instead on psychosocial aspects (DeLamater & Moorman,
2007) of desire. A rewarding sexual relationship and the positivity
associated with it has been given little recognition within the long-term
relationship (Hinchcliff & Gott, 2004). Yet with improved health care
prolonging life, physically healthy middle-aged couples can remain
sexually active for a further thirty years or more (DeLamater & Moorman,
1
For the purposes of the literature review I am loosely defining midlife as 40-50 years old, but the age
span is extended in the research design as co-researchers’ ages ranged from 37-56 years.
1
2007). Therefore, because the midlife woman has significant years ahead
to embrace sexual enjoyment (Fodor & Franks, 1990), it feels pertinent to
consider how couples can maintain and extend a vibrant and active sexual
interest along with the added years. Physical maturity does not equate to
a halt of sexual development, instead it is something that is an ongoing
process of transition (Sharpe, 2003). Biological age is not a sole cause of a
decline in sexual activity, rather familiarity and waning novelty affect
satisfaction (Burgess, 2004, p. 441).
There is a negative transmission of social messages from society (Flaake,
2005) about those older embracing their sexuality. Western culture
promotes sex as the prerogative of the youth, especially in context of the
desire to procreate. There is an assumption that sexuality declines and
disappears with age (Loe, 2004), that the idea of copulating is somehow
distasteful unless those participating are youthful and attractive
(Zilbergeld, 2004, p. 7). The ‘social construction of female sexual identity
is entwined with youthfulness and thus societal stereotypes subscribe that
older women are sexually unattractive’ (Sontag, 1978, as cited by
Hinchcliff & Gott, 2004).
Issues such as lethargy and stress from daily commitments to family,
home and work life, inevitably impact a woman’s interest in sex as other demands intrude. However, there may be factors disguising deeper issues
(Figes, 2010, p. 181). A woman may give inadequate attention to her
sexual agency (Wood et al., 2007), and subdue her personal needs to
prioritise her husband’s arousal. This may indicate a lack of sexual
authenticity within themselves and in their relationships. The sexual act
2
paradoxically is often a physical union but an emotional separation. The
bedrock of intimacy problems lies in an eroded ability to communicate in
all other aspects of the relationship, which then inevitably impacts sexual
connectedness. Erotic sex as opposed to reproductive sex, thus needs to
be considered in a relational context (Orbach, 1999, p. 202).
Much that is written about midlife sexuality focuses on men and their
concerns at losing virility. Pharmaceutical investment in the loss of male
sex drive is significant, with products such as Viagra immensely popular
(Figes, 2010, p. 178). The pursuit of a younger woman to confirm sexual
attractiveness seems all too commonplace and socially acceptable.
However, while the middle-aged woman may not abandon her family quite
as readily and dramatically, it does not mean she has lost her sexual
interest. An indication of this is explored through an examination of the
powerful and explosive impact of the concept of ‘mummy porn’ and the success of E. L. James Shades of Grey trilogy. Mainstream western society
has become more sexually vocal as women the globe over are heatedly
debating the erotic themes of the novels.
The options open to the woman who is not sexually content in her
relationship can lead to potentially unsatisfactory outcomes. She may seek
sexual thrills outside of the marriage. The marriage may amble along until
once children have left home, and responsibilities to the family have
lessened, a woman may decide she and her spouse no longer have shared
interests, potentially leading to a marriage breakdown. Alternatively, she
may suppress her sexual identity as unimportant and an ignored aspect of
her psyche.
3
Consequently, the purpose of this research is to consider how women can
best sanction their sexuality, as the most positive and empowering
outcome would be a re-investment in the relationship and an exploration
of ways to sexually stimulate the marriage, should it be necessary.
1.2.
Researcher positioning
[redacted for ethical reasons]
What were the sex lives like of women in middle age who have been with
one partner for fifteen years or more? Possibly, a foundation question was
simply whether or not women were satisfied with their sex lives, and the
rationale behind their responses. Hence, the research idea was conceived.
I wondered if anyone would be prepared to discuss such an intimate and
sensitive area of their private lives, as ‘there is something deeply
forbidden about sex per se’ with ‘sexual recognition . . . strangely absent
in heterosexually inclined women’ (Orbach, 1999, p. 201). A recently
survey by mobile phone company O2 (2012) bears this out. A published
report, ‘All About You,’ suggests the top taboo dinner party topic is one’s sex life, even in the company of close friends.
Contradictory to this, I noticed that once I began to tell people what I was
researching, I was inundated with offers from women to participate. I
adopted a heuristic relational-centred approach, as I wanted to have a cocreation of knowledge with my interviewees, since I was exploring my own
views as much as theirs. As a counsellor, it also felt a congruent fit with
professional skills I have in place (West, 1997). I could enable, empathize,
intuitively and reflexively interpret, patiently believing something of value
would be uncovered when reviewing and analysing sessions (Finlay &
4
Evans eds., 2009, p.176). Research is for acquiring knowledge, and I
wanted to learn more about female sexuality for personal growth.
However, it is also undertaken because one cares and seeks to make a
difference (Hiles, 2001), and I felt a deep affinity with my co-researchers.
Open conversations and semi-formal interviews facilitated introspection by
participants regarding views of their sexual identity.
[redacted for ethical reasons]
Their stories were unique and reflective, and our connection has felt
immensely profound.
5
CHAPTER 2: LITERATURE REVIEW
The literature review seeks to examine and explore the midlife woman’s perceptions of her sexuality. It considers levels of sexual satisfaction in a
long-term, monogamous relationship and how this is impacted over the
years. Ingrained sexual conditions of worth provide insight into a woman’s sexual awareness and authenticity. These may be negatively influenced by
patriarchal oppressions, especially if communication and intimacy within
the marriage is poor. While the focus on this research is on female sexual
satisfaction, consideration of the male is relevant owing to the relational
context. Interestingly, the literature suggests that although a middle-aged
woman might not desire regular intercourse, indications are that her libido
and sexual energies are nevertheless easily stimulated.
2.1. Women’s sexual satisfaction
A distinction can be made between sexuality, sexual behaviour and sexual
desire (Sharpe, 2003), but this research is a focus on the concept of
satisfaction within a long-term relationship, and so links all three. Sexual
satisfaction is the degree to which an individual is happy with this aspect
of their relationship. It is a subjective response arising from an evaluation
of perceived positive and negative dimensions associated with one’s sexual relationship (Lawrance & Byers, 1998, as cited by Sprecher & Cate,
2004, p. 236). For instance, if sexual frequency has reduced over time,
this is not an issue if both within the relationship are having their
expectations met (Scott Christopher & Kisler, 2004, p. 375). However, if
one in the relationship is dissatisfied, then marital quality and
psychological well-being can be affected (Burgess, 2004, p. 442).
6
Many women in a long-term relationship still enjoy a satisfying and
emotionally fulfilling sex life that is based on a communicated intimacy
and trust with their spouse. However, it is fairly inevitable that significant
longitudinal changes will occur in a couple’s sex lives, as a monogamous
couple possibly settle into a routine where sex is either neglected or
boredom predominates. Human lives are constantly in a state of flux, and
just as with time there are shifts in biology and emotional well-being, so
too are sex and sexuality (Burgess, 2004, p. 444) in transition.
Heightened passion and meaningful sex is most prevalent in the early
stages of the relationship, especially when combined with a focus on
procreation (Hinchcliff & Gott, 2004). Inevitably, this reduces in a longterm relationship, as married couples face multiple demands on their time
and resources.
Specifically within a long-term marriage, a woman’s perceptions of her levels of sexuality can be affected by a number of factors that can lead to
a neglect of her own needs. Having children impacts the regularity and
intensity of a couple’s sex lives (Scott Christopher & Kisler, 2004, p. 378).
A mother may no longer be able to perceive herself as authentically
sexual, this dimension instead ‘excluded, disassociated, absent or split off’ (Orbach, 1999, p. 203). If passion has ebbed, the midlife woman may
regretfully absorb western culture’s presentation of sexual pleasure as thrilling and always intensely enjoyable, and be disappointed if hers is
unsatisfying, unwelcome and lacklustre (Figes, 2010, p. 166). Masters et
al. (1994, as cited by DeLamater & Moorman, 2007), suggest women
repress sexual interest as a defensive strategy to prevent potential
frustration and depression. However, even if sexual encounters are
7
disappointing, it does not necessarily indicate that sex is no longer
important to her.
It is therefore relevant to consider and examine potential sexual
conditions of worth if a woman is to be sexually authentic and not just a
motherly biological creature (Gergen, 1990).
2.2. Sexual conditions of worth
Women absorb and internalise messages regarding the appropriate place
for sexuality in their lives from multiple origins, and is a complex internal
negotiation (Wood et al., 2007). These can be sexual messages they
received earlier in life from parents and society, which translated as their
personal beliefs about sexuality and sexual expression. Depending on
what these are, a woman can often learn to place less emphasis on her
own experience, thereby surrendering her ‘sexual agency’ (Wood, Mansfield & Koch, 2007). If a woman has grown up with the concept that
‘nice’ girls do not have sexual feelings, they could have repressed such
feelings out of shame, which can in turn lead to a passive approach in the
bedroom (Litvinoff, 1999, p. 79).
This lack of congruence is key, as optimal sexual experiences need a
psychological and sexually authentic presence. Communicating needs can’t be done unless one has knowledge of them. Being aware of and honest
about one’s desires and then to be open about them is a prerequisite to
great sex (Kleinplatz & Ménard, 2007). How then might a woman’s sexual positioning translate in her relationship?
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2.3. Intersectionality
Intersectionality refers to the shifting roles of men and women in relation
to their sexual identities. Within feminist sociology, it has become a
buzzword (Davis, 2008) as these differences have been theorised. For a
woman, there can be an interconnectedness of subjugation, such as
sexism, homophobia or patriarchal sexual oppression. Intersectionality can
‘map [these] geometries of oppressions’ (McCall, 2005). Intersectionality as a lived experience, as opposed to theorising alone (Taylor, 2009), can
facilitate an understanding of the midlife woman’s sexuality. Much debate
on this concept in recent years has been about varying sexual
orientations, such as gay and lesbian (Taylor, 2011), and the working
classes (Binnie, 2011). This assignment, however, is specifically concerned
with the non-marginalised middle-class, heterosexual woman. The focus
within this particular population has been ‘how women and their sexualities are controlled or disciplined in patriarchal and hetronormative
ways (Brown, 2011).
‘Many women arrive at second adulthood with their sexuality still, hidden
and silent’ (Braun Levine, 2006). Personal perspective and enjoyment may
be denied or ignored, except for the acknowledgement of sex as a
patriarchal marital obligation. A liberated female sexual agency to
recognise and act on desire and sexual pleasure is constrained by a maledominated culture (Winterich, 2003).
While the term ‘male sexuality’ conjures up powerful images of
men’s desire for women, the phrase ‘female sexuality’ conjures up
only visions of women’s wombs and vaginas, graphic illustrations of women’s reproductive systems as depicted in the sea of textbooks
in the health section of the library or bookstore. But few female
voices speak out to describe their pleasure, to define precisely what
9
feels good and what does not (Dalma Heyn, as quoted by Ogden,
1999, p. 4).
There is an assumption that women’s sex drive is generally lower than that of men. While this may often be accurate, this can cloud a woman
examining why she does not desire sex with her spouse. It may not be a
lower libido; it could be other factors, such as her partner being a poor
lover, or her being with the wrong person. While the focus of this research
is women’s sexual satisfaction, it is clear that a husband may not be satisfied either, despite his sexual needs being met.
2.4. It is a man’s world – or is it?
In this light, while there may be a concept of male privilege, simply being
a man should not automatically assume that he has a certain set of
characteristics (Alilunas, 2011) that undermines a woman’s sexual identity. Research seems to indicate that it is generally the woman who is
more likely to lose interest in sex (Scott Christopher & Sprecher, 2004).
She may follow a demand/withdraw pattern as she criticizes and wishes
for change, with her husband typically avoiding these spousal discussions
(Bradbury, Fincham & Beach, 2000). This then sparks further demands for
engagement and a resultant declining marital satisfaction, which impacts
emotional and intimate connections.
Sexual frequency may be a marital component, however, satisfaction is
not necessarily correlated with regularity (Gager & Yabiku, 2010). Wives
often have sex with their husbands, despite a lack of desire, usually
because of a sense of marital obligation, or are motivated by issues such
as a fear of their spouse having an affair, or leaving them for someone
younger or more sexually driven. A woman may just sexually engage for
10
her husband to achieve an end goal of orgasm, but with no ‘mutuality during the encounter’ and not feeling ‘as much desired as desiring’ (Kleinplatz & Ménard, 2007).
Potentially equally deflating for the man however, as how might it feel to
have intercourse with the knowledge that his spouse wishes the act to be
over swiftly? What of the male ego that is subtly undermined by
awareness that he is no longer readily able to passionately engage his
partner? If communication is poor between the couple then a vicious circle
of unfulfilling sex will ensue.
If both within the relationship are potentially dissatisfied on some level,
what is the key to resolving this? It is necessary to consider and
investigate how married couples communicate their sexuality (Scott
Christopher & Sprecher, 2000).
2.5. Intimacy and communication
Sexual communication is particularly critical in relational satisfaction.
Zilbergeld’s (2004, p. 92) observation that talking provides an opportunity
to move in a positive erotic direction, holds validity for relationships in
general. Sexologist and editor of Sex Journal of Africa, Dr Bernard
Levinson (2012), has observed over years of practice that communication
is central to resolving sexual and relational difficulties. He identified two
main categories of relationships, both existing within a working world,
equally managing the stresses and demands of daily life, yet with a
significant difference. Those emotionally connected maintained an
intimacy that was nurtured by a mutual awareness, celebrations together,
a sensitivity to each other and the ability to joke and share experiences.
11
The opposite side of the spectrum were those couples who were trying so
hard to ‘get it right’, that this resulted in them letting intimacy slip, being
too busy to touch, jest, and enjoy each other’s company. This blocks and
hinders a satisfying sexual connectedness as emotional intimacy underpins
viable sexuality.
A desire for change in sexual qualities is reportedly more about a woman’s personal quest as opposed to an intention to alter their partner (Mansfield,
Koch & Voda, 1998). She may verbalise these sexual desires; however,
articulation is potentially difficult to do, as there is a risk of vulnerability
leading to rejection or humiliation (Montesi, Fauber, Gordon & Heimberg,
2011). But if a couple is able to take the risk, it is an indication of effective
communication in all areas, and suggests an overall marital and relational
strength.
Intimacy is fundamental to the maintenance of sexual viability in a longterm relationship. Themes of sharing, trust and love (Hinchcliff & Gott,
2004) convey a commitment, which translates to a sexual intimacy.
Indeed, Baumeister & Bratslavsky (1999) argue that raising intimacy can
create a strong sense of passion as emotions are fuelled, for example
noting that makeup sex after an argument or time apart is often
memorable. If this is the case then it is possible to re-ignite a faltering,
and uninspiring sex life. Certainly social and popular media messages
seem to indicate that the midlife woman is greatly interested in more
erotic engagements, as discussed in the next section.
12
2.6. ‘Mummy porn’
Popular western culture indicates that the middle-aged woman’s sexuality is an area of phenomenal interest. The media regularly showcases sexual
intrigue, desires and ways to maintain a vigorous sexual identity, through
platforms such as television shows and magazine articles. Fantasising and
imagination can stimulate sexuality, as explored in this examination of
‘mummy porn’. This is a term coined by the media and heralds an
interesting phenomenon that seems to have been titillating suburbia
across the globe with increasingly outspoken fascination. This initially
whispered term had its origins in the popularity of author E. L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey (2012) trilogy, which traces a salacious relationship
between a virginal young student and a naturally irresistible billionaire.
Standard romantic Mills and Boon, except for the fact that the erotic focus
is less vanilla, and more on risqué sado-masochistic domination. The
heroine is artfully manipulated and gradually drawn into an uncomfortable
domain, both emotionally and physically, that clashes with her better
judgement. She is nevertheless simultaneously orgasmic on every
conceivable level.
Success of the novel can partly be attributed to the fact that it was initially
released on the internet. Women were thus able to download it and
discreetly devour its pages without a dustcover revealing the potentially
forbidden nature of the novel. Over a million copies were purchased in the
first eleven weeks on sale, making it a faster-seller than JK Rowling’s Harry Potter or Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code (Greenhill, 2012). Such has
been its success and the resultant salacious interest in erotic novels
targeted at women, that publishers are rewriting literary classics, such as
13
the Bronte’s sisters, Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights, and Jane Austin’s Pride and Prejudice, to contain sex scenes that were originally left to the
imagination of the reader.
Moir (2012, p. 37) argues that women’s fascination with the trilogy is not
the semi-pornographic nature of the content, which in her view becomes
highly repetitive and boring. Her perspective is that the underlying
romantic theme of an insecure heroine, who is swept away by a financially
secure saviour, is what has attracted women’s interest. She states it is ‘a vehicle of the insecurities of millions of women, a conduit for the atavistic
desire for a dominant male, not to mention the modern longing for a very
rich one to take all the worry away.’ Of course romanticism entices, but
without the erotic mix it would not have been such a phenomenon. While
there are indeed only so many ways to bring the heroine to orgasm in
original prose, one can argue that it is the erotica as opposed to the
storyline that has captured imagination the world over. It seems the public
nature of the novels has granted women permission to talk more openly
about sex and their interest in it. The literature has given women a voice.
Pelling (2012) echoes by Moir by acknowledging the hook of the
reassuringly familiar underlying romantic theme, but she sees this
stemming in part from readers’ disappointment in their own marital
lovemaking. Pearson (2012) makes this same point, recognizing that
unsatisfying sex lives fuel fantasies of an attentive, adoring, and powerful
man to take control and bring unbridled pleasure. It ties in with an
observation made by Dr. Michael Krychman (Butler, 2012), Director of the
14
Southern California Centre for Sexual Health, who commented on the
erotic nature of the discussed literature:
[when] women tell me they stop investing emotionally or sexually in
their relationships . . . the relationship suffers. That is why I
recommend bibliotherapy (reading that they find erotic). . . This is
an important part of any relationship, and studies suggest that
women can look better and live longer with satisfying sex.
That said, the protagonist needs to be revisited in 20 years’ time to assess
her libido and levels of passion, as at this early phase of the relationship
she has no gag reflex, never suffers cystitis, and has an insatiable energy
that suggests she is the master of all fakers (TV, Channel 4, 2012).
Possibly a sequel with a middle-aged heroine might not be an equitable
best seller.
2.7. Opening Pandora’s Box
However, there are times in a long-term relationship when a woman might
wake up next to the same body and think ‘is this it?’ and according to
statistics this occurs somewhere between day 1460 and 3650 (de Bruyn,
2012). An interesting area of controversy is raging around a dating
website aimed at those married and seeking an affair, AshleyMadison.com,
whose slogan is ‘Life is short. Have an affair.’ Founded by Noel Biderman,
his view is that it is unnatural and often monotonous to remain
monogamous, as people, circumstances and relationships change. He
claims the service saves more marriages than are broken by it, as many
members are in sexless marriages yet have no wish to divorce. The
clientele are seeking thrills that they cannot find with their spouses, but
wish to remain married to avoid the cost, change and distress associated
with separation (Daum, 2009).
15
The popularity of the website amongst women would suggest it is fulfilling
a need within the market place, and is attracting the suburban housewife
seeking validation of her desirability. Dr Marlene Wasserman, while
opposing the website for exploiting human misery, acknowledges that:
It’s very difficult having sex with the same person year after year. Marriage is managerial. Accommodating. Mundane. After a while it
almost becomes incestuous having sex with someone you are
raising children with. It takes an enormous amount of self-control to
stay faithful. (de Bruyn, 2012).
Social scientist, Dr Catherine Hakim (2012), also supports infidelity in her
recently released book, The New Rules: Internet Dating, Playfairs and
Erotic Power, arguing that recreational extra marital sex can re-invigorate
a marriage and avoid divorce.
Although understandable, boredom in a relationship does not necessarily
indicate a desire for infidelity. It is often a desire for novelty and not about
searching for a new compatible long-term partner (Barta & Kiene, 2005).
If possible, it would be preferable for a couple to communicate a ‘turning towards each other [inviting] intimacy’ (Nelson et al., 2008), and reformulating sex in the context of their relationship, rather than
jeopardising the marriage.
2.8. Conclusion
The literature provides insight into women’s experience of their sexuality and would suggest that a satisfying sex life in a long-term relationship,
while existing, may over time become lacklustre, unfulfilling and of
reduced importance. This is due to factors such as the demands and
stresses of life placed upon a couple, such as work and financial concerns.
A woman may also downplay her sexuality as she becomes more defined
16
by other roles, such as those of a wife and/or mother. Although sex within
the marriage may not be as passionate and frequent as at the start of the
relationship, indications are that she will still engage in intercourse to
satisfy her husband. Nevertheless, popular culture indicates that the
midlife woman is seeking more thrilling, romantic interactions. Relational
intimacy suggests an emotional connectedness, which can stimulate a
more satisfying sex life.
It feels as if a clearer understanding is necessary, as much of the current
research does not seem specific or deep enough. It is possible that a
gratifying sex life has little bearing on a satisfying relationship, but
equally, it might be a significant factor in marital contentment. If
indications are that a woman lives with a repressed sexual agency, or
seeks satisfaction with another, or alternatively divorces, there has to be a
healthier alternative.2 A preferable option might be to seek ways to either
maintain sexual connectedness over the years, or if it has dissipated, to
consider how to re-ignite it. A direct engagement of the midlife women in
a long-term relationship is appropriate, and gives rise to the research
design that follows. It is an investigation into women’s perceptions of sex and it endeavours to uncover their views and unique perspectives.
Dependent on the findings, it will then be of interest to address the
implications of these views. If a woman’s sexual relations with her husband are unfulfilling, what factors are contributing to this, and
therefore how might they be addressed moving forward. Alternatively, if
sex lives are found to be satisfying, how does a women create and sustain
2
It is important to acknowledge that some relationships may not be sustainable, but the scope of this
paper does not allow for an exploration of this.
17
this over time? If this can be identified, it can be used in a therapeutic
context to facilitate empowerment for those clients who have sexual and
relational concerns.
18
CHAPTER 3: RESEARCH DESIGN AND METHOD
The research design has been developed from the questions raised by an
examination of the literature in the previous section. I explain my chosen
methodology and the ethical recruitment of participants, the collection of
data and how I approached my analysis. I proceed to discuss my findings
and consider limitations and opportunity for further research. I conclude
after considering the usefulness of therapy in assisting women who may
present with sexual concerns.
3.1. Participants
Participants were recruited in a manner in keeping with the British
Educational Research Association (BERA) guidelines for Educational
Research (BERA, 2004). Ethical approval from the researcher’s supervisor was secured. The eight participants were all women with a mean age of 45
years (the youngest being 37, and the eldest 56). All were in long-term
heterosexual, monogamous relationships with an average length of 17
years (ranging from 15 to 30), and with the exception of one, were
married. All had children bar one. All could be categorised as middle-class
and white, and had some level of higher education. With the exception of
one who was on a career break, all were working in either a voluntary or a
paid position. Overall health status was good except for two participants
who had chronic illnesses. However, physical ailments did not significantly
impinge on their or other interviewees’ sexual desire or ability to engage
in penetrative sex, with the exception of one participant who suffered from
vaginal dryness.
19
3.2. Data collection
Owing to the potentially intrusive nature of the topic, individual interviews
were conducted to allow for a sensitive exploration of each participant’s
perspective. These were conducted in a semi-formal style, partly
therapeutic and largely conversational (Kvale, 1996, p. 5), in order to
uncover interviewees’ viewpoints in as relaxed a manner as possible.
While the interviewer had a basic set of questions [redacted for ethical
reasons], these were not prescriptive, and allowed flexibility to follow the
participants’ train of thought and explore issues as they arose.
Each interview was conducted at a time and in a setting convenient to
participants. An information sheet was given to interviewees explaining
the nature of the research [redacted for ethical reasons], and that names
would be changed to ensure anonymity and confidentiality. Additional
questions were invited if further clarification was necessary. Names have
been changed to ensure anonymity. A consent form [redacted for ethical
reasons], was read and signed by participants and a discussion held as to
their rights and the ethical nature of the research. Consent was sought to
audio tape the interview, with recordings to be deleted once the research
was complete.
Questions and subsequent conversation focussed on the sexual
relationship between them and their partners, with issues addressed such
as: perceptions of the importance of sex within their relationship;
frequency and regularity of sex; factors affecting sexual satisfaction and
desire for their partner; self-esteem and its impact on sexual desire and
identity; fluctuating libido and the impact of dual roles such as wife and/or
20
mother; relevance of self-pleasuring; and whether or not concerns and/or
needs around sexual issues could be readily communicated with their
partners. It was made clear prior to the interview that participants were
under no obligation to respond to any line of questioning or discussion that
felt uncomfortable.
3.3. Research methodology
I adopted a heuristic research approach, which is a method created by
Moustakas (West, 1996), which allows for questioning and methodology to
flow out of inner meanings and inspirations. This is achieved through
direct accounts of individuals (Moustakas, 1990). The data was co-created
owing to the facilitative nature of the interviews. Flexible open-ended
questioning was adopted, as opposed to a rigid, prescriptive set of
question, which enabled participants to explore issues of relevance for
them. Unwittingly, my research took on a facilitative role as interviews
and discussion evoked thinking and changing. Thus my understanding of
the data was also grounded in the phenomenological, as owing to the
uniqueness of each woman’s sexual experience I needed to seek some
form of distance so as not to cloud findings with my own subjectivity. I
sought to capture as realistically and closely as possible how their
phenomenon was experienced (Finlay & Evans, eds., 2009, p. 20).
Each interview was studied to note emergent themes (Hinchcliff & Gott,
2004) and evolve a creative synthesis of each individual discussion. It was
necessary to seek patterns and themes as well as differences, and ‘define and delineate the phenomenon’ (McLeod, 2003, p. 74). The extent of
difference in each individual’s story was significant, such that patterns and 21
themes were not immediately obvious. It was also important to recognise
the wider context of each individual’s experience, and not reduce them to
generalities. Each participant’s lived experience is also grounded in the
wider societal issues generated by the western culture they are a part of
and which influences perspective.
While there was no accurate way of measuring how valid each account
was, my felt sense was that each participant authentically engaged with
the process. As I enquired and initiated dialogue, it seemed that most
were focussed and interested in sex, but had just never felt it socially
acceptable to openly verbalise this interest. The more women talked about
their sexual identity and perspectives, the more they seemed to gain a
greater sense of sexual ‘selfhood’ (Bryant & Schofield, 2007). Many
benefitted from a normalisation of what for many had felt quite an
isolating place to be in their minds. Given a confidential forum to express
their thoughts, and an unspoken ‘permission’ to think about their own attitudes towards sex, the ‘conversations seemed to facilitate the women’s movement towards personal empowerment ‘(Banister, 1999).
3.4. Heuristic research considerations
As the topic resonated with my own core experience, at times it felt
challenging to remain objective. There has been a tension and polarity
between my subjective assumptions and interpretations, understanding
that there is no universal truth or ‘right’ interpretation of data (Gergen, Chrisler & LoCicero, 1999). Explicitly identifying my process has been a
necessary part of my research as my subjective evaluation needed to be
22
held accountable and examined: ‘Don’t look at the world as it is, but as we
are’ (Anaïs Nin, author, 1903-1977).
While immersing myself in the words of each woman, being such a
sensitive and personal topic, it was difficult not to be touched and
impacted by what each shared. On many levels, this too made it difficult,
because it felt vital to be responsible to those who had so generously
agreed to share intimate details of their lives with me. I was acutely aware
that they were all interested in reading my findings, and I noticed my
anxiety around this. I had to be true to each and represent their unique
journey respectfully, with a sense of gentleness and humanity. However, I
equally recognised that my fears around the participants reading my
research could distort my findings and become a variable that needed to
be accounted for, as I wanted my research to be valid and meaningful.
Banister (1999) noted similar unexpected and uncomfortable feelings, and
she found that reflexivity enabled her to accept, articulate and incorporate
these feelings. I attempted to engage with this concept, which encouraged
my self-awareness of what was resonating when researching. To deal with
such demanding self-reflecting, I utilised supervision extensively (West,
1997). I examined my implicit and complicit reactions to each woman, in
order to ensure the subjective did not counteract the objective. I did not
seek total detachment, as qualitative research is all about relationship and
connection, but I needed to ensure I was true to the essence of each
woman’s experience, untainted and unclouded by my own (Moustakas,
1990).
23
3.5. Analysis
The interviews were analysed to assess differences and commonalties
within the data. All attached an importance to the role of sex within their
relationships and the majority were engaging in sexual intercourse with
varied frequency. The exception to this were two participants whose
marriages were co-incidentally in crisis. However, many expressed a lack
of interest in having sex.
I just don’t have any desire, I don’t need it. It’s almost like it’s not there anymore. (Jane, aged 41)
The way I see sex is I don’t need it, I don’t even think about it, I don’t feel I’m missing anything and I’ve told him. (Bryony, aged 37)
I like cuddles, holding hands, the intimacy, but the act of sex I can
take it or leave it. (Pat, aged 56)
The reasons for continuing to engage in sexual relations with their
husbands stemmed from marital obligations; a trade-off to gain some
form of household or emotional support, or a fear of them seeking sexual
gratification elsewhere.
Sometimes I initiate it when I think, oh god, you know it’s been a long time, perhaps I should, you know it’s only fair. (Pat, aged 56)
I’ll get into the process of having sex with him to keep him happy. I
don’t enjoy it, it’s a process I go through and 9 times out of 10 I’m kind of pushing him away and not giving out any signals. Then I
think it’s been a few days so I better have sex with him but it isn’t anything I particularly enjoy and I’m not doing it for me, I’m doing it for him to keep him happy. Sex is something I do for him rather
than myself. (Jane, aged 41)
There have been so many times when I’ve given into it either to change his mood or simply get him to do something I wanted like
watch the kids. (Charlotte, aged 40)
On the surface this might imply that the women were being dutiful wives
and such acquiescence might foster an intimacy that leads to marital
satisfaction and continued fidelity. However, on some levels there was a
24
sense of inauthenticity, a repressing of their sexual needs, as something
unnecessary and no longer relevant. This lack of congruence with self and
the spouse instead might provide fertile ground for a pattern of
unsatisfying sexual encounters, even if their earlier sex lives were
fulfilling. If a woman agrees to sex purely to satisfy her husband’s needs, then she will most likely be wishing it over speedily. Consequently she will
be left dissatisfied, and her negative perceptions of intimacy reinforced.
The husband presumably senses his wife’s reluctance and in turn performs
quickly to satisfy his own needs so as not to prolong a disconnected
emotional intimacy. An outcome of this might be that the once effective
lover may through such circumstances and subtle rejecting messages,
become patriarchal, and self-pleasing, which in turn perpetuates the cycle
of dissatisfaction.
Within relationships, there are clear commonalities as to what women
require to feel desirable and sexual. A spouse wanting sex with them does
not necessarily translate to her feeling this way. Intimacy, foreplay and an
emotional connection are sought by women and if this need is not met
then the sexual encounter tends to leave the woman disappointed.
Attempts to communicate needs seem regularly unheard or disregarded.
To turn me on he has to talk to me, kiss me, touch me, but he
never wants to take time… five minutes… (Saskia, aged 42).
We never really touch and if I touch his hand, sit close to him, lay
next to him, he goes for sex every single time. I’ve told him over the years how degraded this makes me feel, he sounds concerned
but then the next time, within minutes, his hands are all over me.
(Charlotte, aged 40)
Originally he used to be romantic and caring and now that’s just sort of disappeared over time. He can still say nice things but they
don’t feel nice. His foreplay is facing me in bed, that means let’s have sex. (Mandy, aged 44)
25
Without question one of the barriers to sexual energy lay in the lethargy
resulting from the stresses of daily life, especially from having children.
When trying for children, sex was understandably very much a necessary
and desirable aspect of their relationships, although for some, there was
also an element of losing the fun and spontaneity of the act when the goal
was to conceive. But following birth and subsequent demands of a family
the frequency of intercourse in general declined. Partly this was due to
tiredness associated with chores, with sex relegated to the bottom of the
list, especially when coupled with a sense that the husband was not
contributing sufficiently to the household tasks. Frustration at perceived
lack of support led to alienation and a reduced emotional connection and a
resultant avoidance of sex.
He might do bits at the weekend but the whole routine of the week
is down to me, and he literally swans in. I’m bloody knackered and so for me sex is like the last thing on my list. (Jane, aged 41)
Intriguingly, although this aspect of the demands of children and chores
was a recurrent theme, the impact of motherhood was more implicitly
concerning. A redefining of themselves as mothers reduced the notion of
them perceiving themselves as having sexual agency, as if being a parent
was not symbiotic with being sexual.
There must be some kind of condition of worth in me that you can’t
be around children and be sexy because the two are inappropriate
somehow. So I don’t see myself as a sexy person and I don’t think about sex, and sex just isn’t part of my worth when the children are
about. (Bryony, aged 37)
An added complication may be her husband struggling to see the mother
of his children as sexy, for instance some men may be negatively
impacted after witnessing labour. He may instead place her in a new role
that does not allow for true sexual expression, especially of the carnal,
26
animalistic side of desire. One participant explained how her spouse,
despite repeated requests, would never ‘talk dirty’ to her, or watch her dance, or comment on her attractiveness, assigning her the role of mother
to his children and someone to run the household.
He looked at me like a dad. Even if there were sexy things on the
TV he would turn them off, like you would if it was your daughter.
(Saskia, aged 42)
For some women, their views of sex had been tainted by negative
messages absorbed from childhood, clouding their views about sex being
something to be celebrated and uninhibited about.
My mum was never very keen on sex;; she didn’t like the actual act of sex and didn’t get any pleasure from it. So I don’t know whether
it’s learnt behaviour or whether the makeup of my bits is inherited
because so many things you know are the same. (Pat, aged 56)
I remember my grandma saying she only had sex to have her
babies and that she hated sex, and that it was such a shock the first
time she had sex. (Jane, aged 41)
However, despite any apparent lack of interest in regular sex, with the
exception of one interviewee, all were interested in exploring their
sexuality. Sexual release through masturbation was openly acknowledged
by the majority, but they tended to do it in isolation. Although they did
masturbate their spouses, they did not in general masturbate themselves
as part of love making with their husbands.
Masturbation is quicker and I can do it whenever I want to, read a
couple of pages of my sexy book [Shades of Grey], and then the
job’s done. (Bryony, aged 37)
I keep thinking about sex and I was thinking of getting one of those
vibrating things. I’ve never used one. I’m going to try it. (Saskia, aged 42)
Most had used or were considering using sex toys such as vibrators; read
erotic literature, (virtually every woman I interviewed had, for example,
either read Shades of Grey, or intended to); and some wished to view
27
pornography. The main issues inhibiting acting on such desires, were not
knowing where to purchase sex aids, accompanied by an embarrassment
around purchasing them. This suggests that while libido may appear low,
sexual drive is still evident.
When you noticed that I don’t have desires or feelings in that way
but that I do masturbate sometimes... and it’s like, oh, hang on a minute, so I do have then, so it’s not completely switched off. It’s very interesting. (Jane, aged 41)
Talking normalised their varied emotions and minimised guilt and
accompanied shame. Many of the interviewees, despite feeling so strongly
about their views and feelings, were anxious that they were somehow
abnormal and strange.
I often wonder if my feelings are completely off the wall, if I’m crazy or completely unusual. (Charlotte, aged 40)
I didn’t know who to ask. I didn’t have a sister and I couldn’t ask my mum. I keep reading magazines as I didn’t know, because I’ve
never had sexual relations with anyone else. (Saskia, aged 42)
You know the thing is, I don’t know what’s normal. You know, girls
don’t talk about sex in the same way men do. (Jane, aged 41)
Several followed up informally after the interviews and said how they had
been thinking extensively about their sex lives.
I’m so not interested in sex with him. It has gotten to the point
where it is appalling to me. But I also think I’ve never been more interested in all my life. I would love to be with someone who I feel
sexy and attractive around. (Charlotte, aged 40)
For some it meant opening up lines of communication with their spouses.
Interestingly, we’ve been talking about it recently and I’ve said we need to kind of think what we can do, cos I said I’d like to get it back. But I don’t know how, so we have been talking about how we
should do more experimentation and stuff. Since I read the book
[Shades of Grey], I joked and said maybe he should write a list of
stuff he’d like to do more of, and 5 minutes later there it was. (Jane, aged 41)
28
For two participants, long-term thinking has evolved into a realization that
they no longer wanted to be with their husbands. Presumably this was not
a result of the interviews, but part of a bigger process. However, would
they have concluded this without the interview, or did it facilitate the preexisting thought?
Noticeable, was the fact that the interviews provided a non-judgemental
forum and a sense of ‘permission’ to talk about sex and their needs, and many expressed how ‘liberating’ and empowering’ it had felt. It’s been liberating if I’m honest because I’ve said things. Yeah, I’m still young, I’m still adventurous and I can still be naughty! Yeah! (Mandy, aged 44)
Because I’ve got a good relationship with my husband, so it’s been a good, positive experience. Sort of taken bit... well I didn’t have guilt but its taken any edge of that away. (Paige, aged 46)
Well, I’m not going to become invisible. (Bryony, aged 37)
For
many,
there
was
a
felt
sense
of
celebration
around
their
acknowledgment of their sexuality. For others, recognition of sexual
dissatisfaction within their relationships prompted a deeper consideration
of what their needs might be.
3.6. Themes
Owing to the uniqueness of each participant’s sexual perspective and experiences, common themes were not immediately apparent. I immersed
myself in their stories and focussed on words and phraseology, and the
emotions with which they were conveyed. I colour coded each coresearcher and then sorted the wordings into similar listings to identify
commonalties and differences. I was aware of the significance of what
meaning may lie behind a statement, and equally conscious that what is
not said, can be an indication of something important or else assumed. I
29
then created the table by following a flow chart approach, to identify and
link all the data. This was then contextualised to build a coherent picture
of findings (Bazely, 2009), to lead into the discussion.
30
THEMATIC ANALYSIS OF DATA
Two initial broad categories emerged amongst the 8 participants:3
4 - positive sexual relationship from beginning
4 - rarely enjoyed sexual
sexual relations from start
3 – still enjoy sex but less of a priority
5 – no interest in spousal sex
Reasons for lack of interest: tiredness; last on list of priorities in day;
children take up time; no desire; sex boring and uninspiring; stressed e.g.
finances; no foreplay;; patriarchal sex;; tired of initiating it;; don’t feel desirable;; have never enjoyed sex.
8 – having sex with partner4
Reasons for having sex: marital obligation; guilt over time elapsed since last
sexual encounter;; to improve partner’s mood;; to illicit assistance around house or
with children; desire; being drunk; children away; sex being demanded by
spouse; to feel wanted and needed, on holiday so novel environment; force;
empathy for partner; to demonstrate love and intimacy.
What participants desire to enhance sexual interest: foreplay; cuddles
and intimacy; time spent building up to penetration; experimentation, novelty and
risk taking; spousal involvement and interest in household; being complimented
and made to feel desirable and sexy despite bodily self esteem issues such as
weight; feeling good about themselves.
7 – Masturbate, and are interested in sex toys e.g. vibrator, erotic literature
and/or visual material such as pornography, with or without spousal participation.
8 – All co-researchers acknowledged the importance of sex whether or not they
currently enjoyed it.
3
I acknowledge this is a simplistic categorisation, e.g. how do women define ‘not liking sex?’ This is characterised by great complexities, which I address in the preceding analysis and the subsequent
discussion.
4
At the time of being interviewed, two co-researchers were recently undergoing marital crisis and had
ceased intimate connections with their spouses. However, as it manifested within the previous three
weeks, data is being analysed based on the long-term relationship pattern prior to this.
31
CHAPTER 4: DISCUSSION
There was a clear recognition amongst all participants that sex is an
important and valid part of a marriage (Hinchcliff & Gott, 2004). All were
engaged in sexual relations with their spouses, except for three who were
experiencing extreme marital difficulties. All women expressed having had
an interest in sex at some point in their lives, with the exception of one
interviewee who had never enjoyed sex or viewed it as a necessary aspect
of her life. It is well to be mindful of this fact and not make an assumption
that sex is important to all humans (Hinchcliff & Gott, 2004). Some
individuals may be considered asexual (Scherrer, 2008).
Some of the women who had originally enjoyed passionate and
meaningful sex lives at the start of their relationships, were now generally
less interested in intercourse. This tended to be linked to pressures of
family life, and bears out the literature, which suggests that demands of
children and daily stresses can impinge on a woman’s energy and interest in sexual activity with her spouse. However, the overwhelming majority
acknowledged the importance of sexual relationships as a factor in marital
harmony.
In many cases, a significant motivation for engaging in intercourse was to
please their spouses. As noted in the literature review, there was indeed a
sense of patriarchal and marital obligation. Some had never wholeheartedly enjoyed sex with their husbands, finding the approach to be
largely concerned with pleasuring of the spouse rather than a mutual
enjoyment. However, these women made a conscious and determined
effort to engage in intercourse whether or not their own needs and desires
32
were being met. This stemmed from factors such as empathy for their
husbands if they had not had intercourse for a noticeable period;
associated guilt around this lack of sexual engagement; or because it
impacted their husband’s demeanour positively when they initiated or
accepted sexual advances.
Some had never relished sexual relations with their spouses but had not
known if this was ‘normal’ or not and had not known who to talk to about what they were feeling. Counselling would be useful in these cases. While
some were inauthentic to their sexual needs and desires, regarding this as
less relevant than their roles of wives and mothers, they were largely
open to exploring their sexuality. With the exception of one participant
who accepts her low libido, all embrace their sexuality and their need for
sexual release, even if it has been less of a priority as the years have
passed in their relationships.
When couples nurtured a sense of intimacy and respect an increased
sexual authenticity was exhibited. This corroborates the discussion with Dr
Levinson and the distinctions he made as discussed in the literature
review. Those women who felt most satisfied in their sexual relations
seemed to have an emotional connection to their spouse. This translated
to a sexual satisfaction as they and their spouses felt more able to
verbalise their needs, and were more likely to feel heard once they had
done so. They were able to effectively communicate with their partners
despite inevitable stumbling blocks encountered through life’s demands
and stresses. Maintaining a sexual enthusiasm in a long-term
monogamous relationship can be challenging, so frank verbalisation of
33
sexual needs and preferences becomes increasingly important (Montesi,
Fauber, Gordon & Heimberg, 2011).
While the literature considered the possibility of women being unfaithful in
an attempt to counteract boredom within the marriage, the reality of
those interviewed did not support this. Accepting that temptations faced
some, only one interviewee had been unfaithful. This followed on from her
husband’s lack of interest in sex and the pleasure gained from other men who confirmed her desirability.
Following the interviews some participants re-evaluated their situations,
and have begun embracing their sexual psyche. Those communicating,
experimenting and sharing new experiences with their spouses were
finding their interest in sex re-igniting (Baumeister & Bratslavsky, 1999).
They had an appreciation of and a desire for sex. They could acknowledge
patterns and reasons within their relationships when their enjoyment was
negatively impacted. Those congruent to their lack of satisfaction selfactualized sufficiently to act on what they wanted.
34
CHAPTER 5: IMPLICATIONS FOR PRACTICE AND LIMITATIONS
Having completed the research and linked this to the literature review, its
validity and usefulness needs to be considered. I note limitations, which
could be addressed in supplementary studies. An expansion of the
research would be of benefit as further questions have emerged following
on from the findings. As a person-centred counsellor I also note the value
of therapy in addressing women’s sexual concerns and how counselling may promote and facilitate a sense of sexual empowerment.
5.1. Limitations and further research
The study focussed exclusively on white, educated, middle class women,
and this could be expanded to include other ethnicities, classes and sexual
orientations.
Owing to the liberating and empowering perspective that seemed to
accompany most of the interviewees following on from discussions around
their sexuality, a more longitudinal study feels necessary in order to
assess and evaluate any long-term developments. On some level,
inadvertently becoming what felt like a facilitative researcher, it feels
almost irresponsible not to follow up with interviewees. If a form of
‘permission’ was granted to participants to express and explore their views
around their sexuality, an ethical aspect of care would be to enhance their
process if desired. This could be achieved by successive counselling
formatted interviews, possibly after 6 months and then a year, or more
regular, formal counselling sessions. If one of the aims of such research is
to empower women to embrace and maintain their sexual identity, then it
is possibly more ethical to make oneself available or provide a referral to
35
those who might wish it, as their thinking develops. Equally, for the
research to have any impact in facilitating an improved sexual identity and
experience within a long-term marriage, it will be necessary to formally
assess the impact of earlier interviews on participants.
While the focus of this research was on the sexual perceptions of the
midlife women, it feels important that the perspective of the spouse be
included in further investigations. Sexual satisfaction cannot be measured
by an exploration with one half of a couple, and recruiting both would
provide a more rounded perspective (Hinchcliff & Gott, 2004). While in the
main, the men were being sexually satisfied by their wives, the question
arose as to their emotional satisfaction. Is sexual release without
emotional connectedness sufficient moving forward into old age, or does
this just delay a man seeking out someone else who initially at least, sees
them as sexually dynamic and irresistible? Or does he, as many of the
women seem to do, accept that this is the way that life inevitably evolves
for a couple who have been together many years?
Ultimately, while it is clear that emotional connection, intimacy and open
communication are the foundation of a stable and contented marriage,
this can be further explored. Having sex does not necessarily mean that it
is good, hence the question: does good sex equate to marital satisfaction,
or is the presence of marital satisfaction the key to exceptional sex?
(DeLamater & Moorman, 2007). Possibly they are inextricably intertwined
and one cannot happen without the other, but certainly it might be a
‘sensitive barometer’ of the solidarity in a couple’s relationship (Kahr, 2007, p. xvii). Further research could investigate this more thoroughly.
36
While it may seem a simplistic and trite view, it feels sad and wasteful
should a couple ultimately abandon great sex as a viable part of their long
term relationship. Sex is linked to better health, lower levels of stress and
an improved quality of life, all factors relevant when one considers
increased longevity with advanced medical care. Additionally, it feels
relevant to consider the positives inherent in the promotion of healthier
sexual outlooks on society. A positive example of strong family units and
values will benefit successive generations. Children observing
appropriately sexually satisfied parents, espousing the importance of a
loving intimate relationship, will absorb healthier attitudes towards their
own sexuality.
6.2. Implications for practice
Person-centred therapy can assist women by providing a confidential, nonjudgmental space to explore sexual difficulties. As noted in the research, it
is often difficult to verbalise concerns around such a sensitive and
potentially shaming topic. It can be difficult to find a safe and trustworthy
space to question and express isolating sexual concern, and therapy can
provide this opportunity.
Counselling may help normalise a woman’s sexual perspectives and
complex emotions, and provide a forum to explore the nature of unmet
expectations. It can assist the self-actualisation process by facilitating an
uncovering of a client’s conditions of worth, which may be influencing her
sexuality. For example, if a client has little or no interest in sex, the roots
of this may be traced back to childhood. Learned views that have become
implicit, such as sex being something bad or dirty, might be preventing
37
enjoyment. Uncovering these can lead to a client challenging and
modifying such beliefs. Just as a number of participants expressed how
liberated and empowered they felt at the end of the interviews, so too can
therapy facilitate a similar reaction.
Personally I have become more congruent and self aware as I have
challenged and explored my sexual self-concept. This heightened
awareness will undoubtedly positively translate into my counselling. I now
wonder if previously subtle introjects may have resulted in client
judgements of which I was not aware. In expanding my thinking, of
having ‘gone there and been there,’ I am able to offer an enhanced therapeutic space for clients to express themselves.
38
CHAPTER 5: CONCLUSION
Admiration is a very short-lived passion that immediately decays
upon growing familiar with its object, unless it still be fed with fresh
discoveries, and kept alive by a perpetual succession of miracles
rising into its view. Joseph Addison (Rubin & Campbell, 2012).
Research can help counsellors to understand therapy from the client’s frame of reference (Cooper, 2008, p. 2). These findings promote an
understanding of the complexities of a woman’s sexual identity, and her evolving and changing interest in sex within a long-term relationship.
There is a complex interplay of biological, social and psychological factors
(Hinchcliff, Gott & Ingleton, 2010) that affect sexual perspectives and
needs. An empowerment of women and a growth in her sexual selfhood
(Bryant & Schofield, 2007) is a research goal, as gaining insight into these
dynamics can be the basis to sustaining and/or reinvigorating a satisfying
sexual relationship. Counselling can assist this process of heightened
awareness around introjects and conditions of worth that undermine a
woman as a sexual being.
Sustainable and viable sexuality seems clearly linked to the existence of
effective communication and the nurturing of intimacy between a couple.
As a woman ages, an active sex life builds self-esteem as it affirms
attractiveness and desirability (Hinchcliff & Gott, 2004). If physically
healthy and emotionally connected within a relationship, a midlife couple
can remain sexually active for three or four further decades (DeLamater &
Moorman, 2007). This surely is incentive enough to actively choose to
work at a good and satisfying sex life.
The final word goes to one of the participants, who aptly sums up the
findings, ‘It’s for us two, and I think without it there might be frustrations 39
borne out of other places. So my statement today is that sex is important
in marriage.’
40
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