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How the Giraffes Got Short Necks
Harvey A. Smith
Once upon a time many giraffes had rather long necks. This was
considered, among giraffes, to be a most admirable and desirable
quality. But not all adult giraffes were equally endowed with
height. Some were positively runty compared with the tallest
specimens although they were, indeed, tall when compared to the
other animals of the veldt. Such inequity between members of the
same species seemed unfair and was widely deplored. The council
of the chief giraffes — all of whom were pretty tall — met to
ponder how this unfortunate condition could be alleviated. They
commissioned a study by a group of leading experts.
After a few years, when all the grant money supplied by the
council had been exhausted, the study group returned with a report.
They had been able to establish, with scientific exactitude and
beyond any possible doubt, two objective findings:
(1) The taller giraffes ate more of the tender leaves found at the
very tops of plants. In fact, there was a very strong direct
correlation between the amount of such food an individual
consumed and the height of that individual.
(2) Taller giraffes felt better about themselves than did shorter
giraffes. This was based on psychological tests for feelings of selfworth that were widely — the report said “universally” —
accepted as valid among the leading experts in giraffe psychology
(most of whom were involved in conducting the study.)
The study concluded with the following recommendations:
(1) Measures should be taken immediately to limit the height of
plants in the veldt, so that the tender top leaves would be
accessible to all. This was deemed to be of crucial importance
because of the undeniable strong linkage between eating such
leaves and height.
(2) A program should be instituted to encourage the shorter
giraffes to feel good about themselves and have self-confidence. It
seemed likely to the study group that negative feelings about
oneself probably had a strong psychosomatic effect leading to
limited growth. In particular, any negative comments or views
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about shorter members of the community should be rigorously
suppressed.
(3) Another study should be funded to develop further insight
into this important social problem and to complete those
investigations that could not be fully concluded within the funding
limitations of the current study.
The conclusions of this important study were widely circulated
and discussed throughout the veldt. It was generally agreed that
action was needed. Elephants were engaged to push down the tall
trees and keep them suppressed, so that the lower-level vegetation
could thrive for the tops to be eaten by short and tall alike. Truth
to tell, reaching down to eat put a considerable strain on the necks
of the taller giraffes but this was regarded as being only fair,
considering their past advantage. Meanwhile, shorter giraffes were
constantly showered with praise and taught to take pride in their
lack of altitude. Indeed, many of them came to regard excessive
height as a laughable condition and mocked those afflicted with it.
A giraffe who looked upon height as something in which to take
pride came to be regarded as antisocial, old-fashioned and
reactionary.
With the ready availability of low-growing plants, the dearth of
tall trees, and the general low regard for height, evolution followed
the course Darwin would have predicted. Height became a stigma
and a disadvantage in competing for a mate. It conferred no
advantage and, indeed, was a slight disadvantage in competing for
food. Quite naturally, succeeding generations of giraffes had
shorter and shorter necks until today the average giraffe is a bit
shorter than a zebra. Still, there remain some inequalities in
height, so this intractable social problem continues to be of
concern. A proposal to fund continuing study is currently under
consideration.
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