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Scientific Writing Exercises
Adapted from:
Essentials of Biomedical Writing. (Mimi Zeiger)
Successful Scientific Writing. (J and R Matthews)
Identify the writing faults in each example. Improve by rewriting each example.
1. Renal blood was drastically compromised when the aorta was obstructed.
- imprecise words: compromise, drastic
Renal blood flow decreased by _% when the aorta was obstructed.
2. The salicylates are rapidly absorbed with a 2 h peak plasma concentration.
- Imprecise use of with
The salicylates are rapidly absorbed, reaching a peak plasma concentration at
2h.
3. Water is comprised of hydrogen and oxygen.
Comprise is not used in passive form.
Water is composed of hydrogen and oxygen.
Water comprises hydrogen and oxygen.
4. In changing from a standing position to one that is lying down, the blood pressure
changes noticeably.
- dangling participle
The blood pressure decreases noticeably when the subject changes from a
standing to a supine position.
5. Oxygen uptake in response to drugs was examined and found to vary
considerably.
- unnecessary words: was examined, was found
Oxygen uptake varied considerably in response to drugs.
6. This response was blocked by phentolamine but was not effected by propranolol.
- effect vs affect
This response was blocked by phentolamine but was not affected by
propranolol.
7. The digoxin content was increased from 0.5 to 2.5 ng/ml.
- content vs. concentration
The digoxin concentration was increased from 0.5 to 2.5 ng/ml.
8. Each data point is one measurement of airway resistance.
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represents: to serve as a sign/symbol of
is: equal to
Each data point represents one measurement of airway resistance.
9. Obesity should be controlled by diet or alternately by medical intervention.
- alternatively: involving a choice between 2 or more courses of action
Obesity should be controlled by diet or alternatively by medical intervention.
10. Two parameters were measured in the experiment: the concentration of drug and
the heart rate.
- variable: what is measured in an experiment i.e. the output of a repeatable
operation. It can change in a given system.
Two variables were measured in the experiment: the concentration of drug and
the heart rate.
11. The city’s first commercial blood bank opened last week with blood samples from
one hundred men stored in refrigerated units.
with: imprecise;
stored in refrigerated units: unclear modifier
The city’s first commercial blood bank opened last week. One hundred
samples were collected from men were stored in refrigerated units.
12. Treatment with methylprednisolone after the lesion is established significantly
changes recovery.
- changes: imprecise
Treatment with methylprednisolone after the lesion is established significantly
increases/decreases recovery.
13. It was interesting to note that no other drugs were used.
- unnecessary words
used is imprecise.
No other drugs were given/administered/ingested/injected.
14. Following termination of avian exposure, there was a substantial incrementation in
lung volume and at this moment in time, it would appear that there has been a
marginal degree of improvement in diffusing capacity.
- substantial and marginal: give precise numbers when possible.
- unnecessary words
When exposure to birds stopped, the lung volume increased by
diffusing capacity improved marginally by %.
% and
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15. The haemodialysis procedure was repeated again after 4 h then completely
terminated after 12 h.
- completely: unnecessary word
The haemodialysis procedure was repeated after 4 h and terminated after 12 h.
16. The surface topology inducing flow turbulence drastically enhanced the resistance
by in excess of 30 percent.
- noun cluster
- enhance/increase
- drastic: unnecessary
Surface topology induced flow turbulence and increased the resistance by 30%.
17. Due to the fact that breeder flocks in most cases are being subjected to
continuous vaccination programs, the virus disease spread has almost completely
stopped.
- continual: occurring at repeated intervals
- continuous: uninterrupted, unbroken continuity
- unnecessary words
Since the breeder flocks are vaccinated continually, the spread of the virus has
almost stopped.
18. This kitten that was the sole surviving litter member of the stray cat was devoid of
hair that was white in colour.
unnecessary words
that/which
This kitten, which was the sole survivor of the stray cat’s litter, had no white
hair.
The stray cat’s sole surviving offspring was a kitten without white hair.
19. Five two week old single comb white leghorn specific pathogen free chickens
were inoculated with approximately 105 tissue culture infected doses of duck
adenovirus.
- noun cluster
The single comb, white leghorn chickens, aged two weeks, were pathogen free.
Five chickens were inoculated with 105 doses of duck adenovirus that were
derived from infected tissue culture.
20. In the event that we hold a meeting at this point in time with reference to the data,
a consensus of opinion should be difficult to attain.
-unnecessary words
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If we hold a meeting about the data now, a consensus should be difficult to
attain.
21. It should be noted that the use of low molecular weight dextrans should be
avoided in these patients which appear to pass through the damaged
endothelium of pulmonary vessels.
- which used incorrectly
The use of low molecular weight dextrans, which pass through the damaged
endothelium of pulmonary vessels, should be avoided in these patients.
Low molecular weight dextrans should be avoided in these patients. These
dextrans can pass through the damaged endothelium of pulmonary vessels.
22. Our efforts did not result in the location of the proposal which was missing.
- unnecessary words
- that/which
Despite our efforts, we did not locate the missing proposal.
We could not find the proposal that was missing.
23. Inadequate training in PCR techniques resulted in incomplete data. This has
been our most pervasive problem.
- unclear pronoun; this could refer to inadequate training or incomplete data.
Because of inadequate training in PCR techniques,our data was incomplete.
Training inadequacies have been our most pervasive problem.
Inadequate training in PCR techniques has been our most pervasive problem
and resulted in incomplete data.
24. The researcher tested the women observing this schedule.
- dangling participle could refer to researcher or women.
Observing this schedule, the researcher tested the women.
The researcher tested the women who observed this schedule..
25. Being in poor condition, we were unable to save the animals.
- dangling participle
Being in poor condition, the animals were not salvageable.
26. While having the committee meeting next door, the centrifuge exploded.
- dangling participle
While having the committee meeting next door, we heard the centrifuge
explode.
While we were having the committee meeting next door, the centrifuge
exploded.
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27. No bacteria were observed using trypan blue.
- dangling participle
Using trypan blue, we observed no bacteria.
No bacteria were observed by means of trypan blue.
28. Following experimentation, bacteria multiplied.
- dangling participle
The bacteria multiplied after the experimentation.
29. The microscopes belonging to the graduate students that had been left leaning
against the incubator were badly damaged beyond repair.
- misplaced modifier
- that/which
The graduate students’ microscopes, which had been left leaning against the
incubator, were damaged irreparably.
30. Using our inoculation procedures, infected hamsters developed granulomas.
- dangling participle
When we used our inoculation procedures, infected hamsters developed
granulomas.
Our inoculation procedures produced granulomas in infected hamsters.
Infected hamsters that were subjected to our inoculation procedures
developed granulomas.
31. Using time lapse photography, the changing shapes of nerve cells in tissue
culture were recorded.
- dangling participle
We used time lapse photography to record the changing shapes of nerve
cells in tissue culture.
32. To decrease blood volume by 10% in 2-3 minutes, blood was pooled in the
subject’s legs by placing wide congesting cuffs around them and inflating them to
diastolic brachial arterial pressure.
- unclear pronouns
To decrease blood volume by 10% in 2-3 minutes, blood was pooled in the
subject’s legs. Wide, congesting cuffs were placed around the legs and then
inflated to diastolic brachial arterial pressure.
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Exercises 2
Sentence Structure
Correct the faults in the following sentences. Make the topic the subject
of the sentence and/or put the action in the verb.
1.
The adults ended dialysis with a plasma acetate concentration almost double
that of children.
Adults - not the topic of sentence.
Improper use of “with”
Not good parallel form
After dialysis, the plasma acetate concentration in adults was almost double
that in children.
After dialysis, the plasma acetate concentration in adults was almost twice as
high as the acetate concentration in children.
2.
The patient showed no change in symptoms.
Action - not in verb.
Patient is not topic.
The patient’s symptoms did not change.
3.
The patient was begun on 600 mg of ASA daily and had resolution of his
symptoms.
Action - not in verb.
Unnecessary words
The topic of the sentence could be either the patient or the symptoms.
After treatment with 600mg ASA daily, the patient’s symptoms resolved.
The patient’s symptoms resolved after treatment with 600mg ASA daily.
The patient was treated with 600mg ASA daily and his symptoms resolved.
4.
A progressive decrease in death rate occurred.
Action - not in verb
The death rate decreased progressively.
5.
An abrupt increase in ventilation and respiratory frequency occurred in all dogs
as exercise began.
Action - not in verb
Ventilation and respiratory frequency increased abruptly in all dogs as exercise
began.
Exercise increased ventilation and respiratory frequency abruptly in all dogs.
6.
The mutation causes an embryonic lethality.
Action - not in verb.
The mutation kills the embryos.
The mutation is lethal to embryos.
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7.
These agents exert their action by liver cholesterol synthesis inhibition.
Action - not in verb.
Noun cluster.
These agents act by inhibiting the synthesis of liver cholesterol.
These agents inhibit the synthesis of cholesterol in the liver.
8.
Recently, evidence for signalling control over the nuclear import of a potential
transcription factor has been provided.
Action in verb (of subordinate claus)
No need for present perfect tense – simple past is indicated
Evidence that signalling controls the nuclear import of a potential transcription
factor was provided recently.
Recently, signalling was shown to control the nuclear import of a potential
transcription factor.
9.
A capsule of amyl nitrite was crushed and held in front of the nose for 20
seconds with normal respiration maintained.
Use active verb for “held in front of the nose”
Improper use of “with”
A capsule of amyl nitrite was crushed and its content was inhaled nasally for
20 sec. while the patient breathed normally.
The patient crushed the capsule of amyl nitritie and inhaled its content nasally
for 20 sec. while breathing normally. (In this version “the patient” becomes
topic of the sentence).
10.
There is a modest enhancement in radical cleavage at base pairs 10-12.
Topic as subject. Action in verb.
enhancement/increase
Radical cleavage is modestly increased at base pairs 10-12.
Identify the major fault in the following sentences. Rewrite.
11.
A temporal and spatial relationship between lipid peroxidation and type I
collagen gene expression has been described in stellate cells and correlated with an
in vitro model of coculture between stellate cells and hepatocytes in which, following
addition of agonists in culture, collagen expression occurs in stellate cells located in
the immediate vicinity of the stellate cell-hepatocyte boundary but not in distant cells
or in stellate cells culture alone.
Overloaded sentence.
A temporal and spatial relationship between lipid peroxidation and type I
collagen gene expression has been described in stellate cells. This
relationship correlated with findings in vitro in a model of co-cultured stellate
cells and hepatocytes. After the addition of agonists, collagen is expressed in
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the stellate cells located next to hepatocytes but is not expressed in distant
cells or in stellate cells cultured without hepatocytes.
12.
Left ventricular function was impaired in the dogs which received endotoxin but
not the control dogs.
that/which
repeat preposition
Left ventricular function was impaired in the dogs that received endotoxin but
not in the control dogs.
13.
The tubes were spun on a Vortex mixer for 10 seconds, stored at 4 oC for 2 h,
and then they were centrifuged at 500 x g for 10 min.
The tubes were spun on a Vortex mixer for 10 s, stored at 4oC for 2 h, and then
centrifuged at 500 x g for 10 min.
14.
The greater stability in this study compared to the previous study resulted from
more accurate marker digitization.
Comparative adjective + than
The greater stability in this study than in the previous study resulted from more
accurate marker digitization.
- or make accurate digitization the topic of the sentence.
A more accurate marker digitization led to greater stability in this study than in
the previous study.
15.
Like subfragment 1, the protein composition of heavy meromyosin was
homogeneous.
Parallel comparisons
The protein composition of heavy meromyosin, like that of subfragment 1, was
homogeneous.
Like the protein composition of subfragment 1, the protein composition of
heavy meromyosin was homogeneous.
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Corrected Writing Exercises for Paragraphs
1. The main message of the following paragraph from a methods section of a
manuscript is obscure. Rewrite and improve.
Rats were administered with a dose of 50mg/kg morphine given subcutaneously.
After being anesthetized with pentobarbital (30mg(kg i.p.) rats were injected with
salbutamol (0.6mg/kg s.c.) to counteract the respiratory impairment caused by
morphine and 10 min later with morphine (20mg/kg), 12.5% solution in equal parts of
95% ethanol and Tween-80, diluted to 25mg/ml with saline. Two hours later, the rats
were again anesthetized with pentobarbital (10-20 mg/kg) and injected with
salbutamol, after which morphine (30mg/kg s.c.) was again injected. Control rats
underwent the same procedure.
Decide what the main point (message) is: morphine was given in two doses.
Write a topic sentence to state main point with morphine (not rats) as subject.
Organize supporting details from most to least important.
Add transition term.
Use the precise term “inject” rather than “give”.
Use either “% “ or “mg/ml” to describe dissolution and dilution of morphine, but not
both.
Morphine (50 mg/kg) was injected subcutaneously into rats in two sequential
doses. The first dose was 20 mg/kg. The second dose, given 2 h later, was 30
mg/kg. Morphine was first dissolved (125mg/ml) in 95% ethanol:Tween-80 (1:1),
then further diluted to 25 mg/ml with saline. Before both morphine injections,
rats were anaesthetized with pentobarbital (first dose, 30 mg/kg i.p; second
dose, 10-20 mg/kg, i.p.). In addition, to counteract the respiratory impairment
caused by morphine, salbutamol (0.6 mg/kg subcutaneously) was injected after
the anaesthetic. Control rats underwent the same procedure but received drug
solvents.
2. Make the main message of this paragraph clear. Improve the continuity.
The extent of digestion of the liver can be determined empirically, on the basis of the
softness of the organ in response to gentle scratches applied with sterile tweezers.
When the hepatic surface is broken by these manipulations, digestion is considered
complete. The key enzyme in the liver hepatocyte isolation method is collagenase.
There is surprisingly little definitive information about what constitutes a good enzyme
preparation for cell yield efficacy and viability and even what endpoint to use to judge
efficacy.
Decide what the main point should be. Ex. collagenase method is not standardized.
Add a topic sentence to reflect your main point.
Use key terms and transition words.
Collagenase is the key enzyme in a method that digests the liver for hepatocyte
isolation. Digestion is considered complete when the liver is soft and when its
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surface breaks in response to gentle scratches applied with sterile tweezers.
However, response to scratches is an empiric method that doesn’t rely on
defined endpoints. In fact, endpoints that judge the efficacy of a collagenase
enzyme preparation are surprisingly lacking. Endpoints that assess
hepatocyte yield and viability could optimize the method of digestion with
collagenase preparations.
3. Can better use of key terms improve the continuity between the following
sentences?
Cellular oncogenes are created when normal cellular genes that have latent
transforming potential, that is, proto-oncogenes, are activated and key regulatory
pathways that control cell proliferation are subverted. Several families of G-proteincoupled receptors, for example, the serotonin 5HT receptor family and the muscarinic
cholinergic (m1, m2, m5) receptors, have been shown to result in conditional,
agonist-dependent proto-oncogene activation.
Repeat key term at beginning of sentence. Place new key term in stress position.
“have been shown to result in…activation” = poor sentence construction
Cellular oncogenes arise when normal cellular genes that have latent
transforming potential, that is, proto-oncogenes, are activated, and key
regulatory pathways that control cell proliferation are subverted. Protooncogenes can be activated conditionally by several families of G-proteincoupled receptors. For example, the serotonin 5HT receptor family and several
muscarinic cholinergic (m1, m2, m5) receptors can activate proto-oncogenes.
4. Write a coherent paragraph from the 4 given fragments of sentences.
- experimental focus now includes the entire trachea.
- 72% of ganglion cell bodies located in the neural plexuses associated with the
trachealis muscle and submucosal glands
- 28% along longitudinal nerve trunks.
- most ganglia in superficial muscle and gland plexuses have 1-4 ganglion cell bodies
- previous reports: longitudinal nerve trunk ganglia contain 10-20 ganglion cell bodies
Our experimental focus was extended to include the ganglia of the entire
trachea. The greatest proportion of ganglion cell bodies (72%) was located in
the neural plexuses associated with the trachealis muscle and submucosal
glands. Only a small proportion (28%) of ganglion cell bodies was located
along the longitudinal nerve trunks. Furthermore, most of the ganglia in the
superficial muscle and gland plexuses contained only 1-4 ganglion cell bodies.
Thus, our experiments on the entire trachea do not agree with previous reports,
which showed that ganglia along the longitudinal nerve trunks contain 10-20
ganglion cell bodies.
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