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Sample feedback Sample Student Text Your thesis is not entirely clear. Try to express it more succinctly Effective cross-cultural communication is an important tool in the twenty-first century. Intercultural communication refers to the ‘communication between two people whose cultural perceptions and symbol systems are distinct enough to alter the communication event’ (Samovar & Porter 1991). Before the mid twen-tieth century, intercultural communication was limited to only people who used cross-cultural communication on a regular basis. For example, government rep-resentatives, merchants and traders, missionaries, explorers, and tourists were the main groups of people who interacted with foreign cultures. Nowadays, as people travel more often, the experiences of different cultures has become more common. People have adapted to the diversely multicultural countries of today, and Australia is a prime example. There are many aspects within crosscultural communication. On a large scale, these include, but are not limited to, the effects that mass media plays on the way cultures interact, communication between nations and governments, and communication that occurs in world-wide businesses and multinational organizations, as well as cross-cultural com-munication on a personal basis. However, this essay focuses on the essential tool of cross-cultural and intercultural communication in the work place. As computer technology develops and transportation improves, it has become a critical element of all individuals in the business world to acquire. As a result of the changes, it is not unusual to find businesses with only one culture working there; however, it is more often than not that large firms will have an assortment of cultures. This essay will also explore the advantages to the business in having a multicultural workforce, and describe the challenges when stereotypes arise. You must deliver on your promise in the essay map above (i.e. begin to deal with either tools of cross cultural comm in workplace) Do not introduce background information. It is interesting to begin with the various types of religions and cultures around the world. Samovar, Porter and McDaniel (2006) state that there are a few major cat-egories of religion, which each have their own view of God, a founder, sacred writings, holy places and sacred symbols. They state that ‘about 33 percent of the world’s population is Christian. The second largest religion and the newest is Islam, with approximately 21 percent. Hinduism is next, with about 15 percent, followed by Buddhism and other Eastern religions with 9 percent. Judaism com-prises less than 1 percent, tribal and shamanist tradition 2.5 percent. Non religious or atheist views account for about 19 percent.’ Although all of the world’s religions have the same structure, the belief systems differ. This is how the formation of cross-cultural misunderstandings is formed. This paragraph has no direct relationship with what you identified your essay would be about. Make sure each para is linked directly to your thesis and essay map In everyday conversational circumstances, the difference of the language bar-rier is a contributing factor that plays a large part in miscommunication. In an English speaking country such as Australia, it is hard for many immigrants to learn the language to be able to communicate within a largely westernised culture. These immigrants often come to Australia for a better life, and then they have children. These children grow up in Australia and learn English from a very young age. It often occurs that the children go to school and learn English, and then they are able to assist their parents and grandparents into speaking the language. This can therefore reduce the miscommunicative interactions between immigrants and English speaking individuals. Use linking words (e.g. therefore) to make the connection between this idea and your thesis even more clear. This miscommunication can also be seen in the workplace, with the results of the ‘Languages at work 2002’ global survey. It stated that 20% of businesses have admitted to lost business because of the language and cultural barriers at work, which was a 5% increase from the previous year. And because of the lack of language and cultural skills that organisations have implemented, this loss could accumulate to over $20 million. Globally, this figure would be a lot more and it is up to the business to put in place an effective scheme to help minimise mis-communication in the workforce and therefore boost profits to their peak. In a large business, it is imperative that workers be tolerant and have patience as they work with others from cultures other than their own. The connection between this para and the one before is not evident. Make links clearer by referring back to other paras as well as your thesis. In the business world today, the leading employers have a densely populated multicultural workplace. The communication between their workers and other businesses is clear and precise. ‘Communicators have the responsibility to be pace setters in helping the world articulate ideas more completely and with as few misunderstandings as possible’ (Stelin & Winters 2005). Stelin and Winters are saying that it is up to the big businesses to be the role models in what good and effective cross-cultural communication is. This is your topic sentence. Again, to make your essay more logical and coherent, place your main point at the start of each paragraph. In Australia, it is working culture to go to work at 8 o’clock, take a fifteen minute coffee break at 10 o’clock, a half hour to an hour break at midday, take another coffee break about 3 o’clock in the afternoon and then leave the office at five o’clock. This is the average routine that fits the needs of the dominant culture. People believe that when at work, you are working for your employer and that other concerns and activities must wait until after work has finished. However, as Samovar and Porter (1991) state ‘Mexicans have a different cultural view about the importance of the family. They hold the family in high esteem, and it is not uncommon for relatives to intrude upon the work scene because they perceive family concerns as more important that business.’ Mexican believe that business and work can be done at any time, but family problems come first. This is an example of how business is conducted differently from culture to culture. As people from businesses visit different countries for work, they must be aware of that culture’s work ethic and adhere to it whilst on their trip. You need to link the role of gender and culture in non-verbal communication to your thesis – i.e. state how this impacts business. Otherwise, it is largely irrelevant. The interpretation of non-verbal communication is often based on the culture and gender of the individual. Workers may differ in non-verbal behaviour includ-ing dress and appearance. A Hindu wearing a turban can cause other workers to feel uncomfortable because they do not understand the significance and importance it has in that person’s culture. It can also be said that some Austra-lians cannot understand why the females in the Indian culture cover up their whole body even in the middle of a 40-degree summer. While Australian females are going to the beach in their bikinis, some cannot understand why they are fully clothed. However, it is the culture in which they belong to and the ethic and values they have been taught that influence the way they dress. Try to introduce your point regarding the negative impact of stereotypes on business more directly. It should be expressed in the first sentence if possible (topic sentence) Individuals are exposed to several stereotypes on a day-to-day basis. These stereotypes portray different groups of people in a way that is accepted by wider so-ciety. In the workplace, these stereotypes contribute to people’s intolerance to other cultures. Mass media play a significant role in boosting stereotypes and the way people think. The newspaper article ‘Why I love this country’ (Ilhan 2007) gives the opinion of why Australia is a wonderful place to live in. John Ilhan wasn’t born in Australia, but came here when he was young with his Turkish parents, and because of his Muslim faith has acquired some harsh stereotypes. Ilhan (2007, p. 4) says that ‘immigrants must learn the Australian way of life and culture, and learn the English language.’ He continues to reflect on how significant the heritage of Australia is. ‘Australia doesn’t owe us anything. We owe Australia.’ And this is why John Ilhan, founder of Crazy Johns and wrote this for Australia Day before he died three weeks ago. Ilhan found that he was exposed to stereotypes and wrote this article to show the public that although he is of Muslim faith, he is still an Australian and knows the culture and has lived here for many years. Stereotyping is an unjust and prejudice thing and wider society needs to learn that there is no one thing that any culture adheres to. The role of the conclusion is to restate your thesis and summarise the points you made tin support of it. You have not done this clearly. In conclusion, it is essential that the personal and the business world understand the value of a multicultural workplace. It will lead to a better awareness of be-haviours, which are acceptable. With the knowledge and understanding of the factors in creating problems within cross-cultural communication, listening can be improved and therefore miscommunication quashed. It is now becoming acceptable to understand people’s behaviour in terms of region, culture, religion, ethnicity or language group (Eunson 2005). This assists in explaining the reasons as to why miscommunications happen and the understandings people must accredit to those who are finding it difficult. Table 5: Sample student text from Business with problematic features highlighted