Download Am Not (Are Too!)

Am Not (Are Too!)
An Introduction to
Positive Communication
Based on the principles of
non-violent communication
(NVC)
What we will cover today:
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A story about stories…
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Conflict: A brief discussion

Model of Communication based on
NVC (“nonviolent communication”)
Just to set the mood…
A Story about Stories
(from a storytelling form of life)
http://www.miltondawes.com
Hey Lady!
Oh no! We’re in Conflict!
So what is conflict anyway?
 Conflict is natural and inevitable
 Conflict is neutral
 Conflict is an opportunity
Oh no! We’re in Conflict!
Levels of Conflict:
– Values
– Goals
– Strategies
– Information
as you go up the list,
the intensity of conflict rises.
What is “Resolution”?
Resolution occurs when:

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issues are identified.
ideas, feelings, and behaviors are
exposed and explored.
What is “Resolution”?
Resolution occurs when:
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there is mutual understanding
and respect of interests and values.
each party chooses to act in a way
that is acceptable to them.
(if I order you, force you, shame you, guilt you into
action—that is not resolution)
What is NVC:
NVC, or “non-violent communication”,
is a process or model of communication
that keeps our attention focused on a
place where we are more likely to get
what we are needing.
It guides us in reframing how we
express ourselves and hear others.
NVC model
Four Components:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Observation
Statement of feeling
Statement of needs
Request
(Offer: “I am willing to”)
Four Components of NVC:
1.
Observation:
First we observe what is actually
happening in a situation. What are
we observing about others’
behavior?
We articulate our observation without
judgment or evaluation.
Four Components of NVC:
2.
Statement of Feeling:
Next, we state how we feel when
we observe the action (irritated,
happy, uneasy, sad, etc.)
Four Components of NVC:
3.
Statement of needs:
Third, we express what we are
needing.
Four Components of NVC:
4.
Request:
Last, we make a specific
request that addresses
what we are wanting from
the other person.
“Are You willing to…”
Four Components of NVC:
5. Make an offer:
Either before or after we
make a request we may
also want to make an offer
by stating what we are willing to do.
“I am willing to…”
Example of NVC in action
A coworker may say to another coworker
concerning a messy, shared workspace:

Jody, when I see piles of papers left on our
desk (observation),

I feel irritated and stressed ( feeling)

because I have a need for cleanliness and
order in the space that we share in
common. (statement of need)

Would you be willing to keep our desk clear
of paperwork when you’re not using it?
(specific request)
NVC doesn’t require a strict formula

It is more about a shift in our
perception: “what is the need
here”.

The essence of NVC is that we
perceive situations in terms of
observations, feelings, needs and
requests, rather than in terms of
judgment, blame, evaluation and
demand.
NVC doesn’t have to happen in real time.

While the NVC model is simple, in
practice it can be challenging to
remain focused on “what is the
need?”

Don’t “should” on yourself. If you
are unhappy with an interaction,
you can reflect on it in light of the
NVC model, and reconnect with the
other person later on.
Alienating Communication
Forms of communication that contribute
to alienation from each other and from
ourselves.
Language that also obscures personal
responsibility, and increases the
likelihood that others will respond
defensively.
Alienating Communication

Moralistic judgments (Diagnosis,
judgment, analysis, criticism)

Denial of responsibility

Demands

Deserves-oriented thinking: thinking
based on who deserves what.
Alienating Communication
The 4 D’s
 Diagnosis
 Denial of Responsibility
 Demands
 Deserves Thinking
Moralistic Judgments
Examples:
“You’re selfish”
 “He’s so lazy”
 “That’s really inappropriate”
 Blame, put-downs, etc. are all forms of
moralistic judgments

Denying Responsibility
Examples: “I did it because…”




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“I had to ” (vague impersonal forces)
“I was stressed out” (diagnosis)
“That’s the policy” (law/regulation)
“He had it coming” (actions of others)
“My boss made me” (authority)
“Everyone was doing it” (peer press.)
“I couldn’t stop myself” (impulse)
“I’m the father” (gender/societal role)
Alienating Communication
When we think and communicate in
terms of what’s wrong with others
(or what’s wrong with ourselves),
our attention is focused on levels of
wrongness or blame, rather than on
what we, and others, are needing
and not getting.
Observing Without Evaluating
The first component of NVC asks us to
observe without evaluation. We need to
clearly state what we are seeing, hearing
or touching without mixing in evaluation.
WHY? Because, when we combine
evaluation with observation, we decrease
the likelihood that others will hear our
message. Instead, they are apt to hear
criticism.
Observing Without Evaluating
Examples of observation w/evaluation
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“You work too much”
“She’s just a complainer”
“You never listen to me”
“You’re always late—that’s so
inconsiderate”
Observing Without Evaluating
Examples of observation w/o evaluation

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You haven’t left work before 7:00
once this week.
I heard you tell Mary how upset you
were about the rescheduling.
You took 5 calls on your cell phone
during lunch.
The last 3 times we’ve gotten
together, you’ve been over an hour
late.
Feelings v. Non-Feelings
A common confusion in the English
language is our use of the word
“feel” without actually expressing a
feeling.
For example, in the sentence, “I feel
like I got lousy service”, the words,
“I feel” are really standing in for the
more accurate statement, “I think”.
Feelings v. Non-Feelings
In general, feelings are not being
clearly expressed when the word
feel is followed by words such as
that, like, or pronouns like I, you,
he, she, my boss, etc.
Examples:

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I feel like I’m no good.
I feel you aren’t trustworthy.
I feel my boss is being unreasonable.
Feelings v. Non-Feelings
The NVC model suggests that we
distinguish between words that
express actual feelings from those
that describe what we think we are,
or what we think about how others
are reacting or behaving toward us.
Taking responsibility for
our thoughts and feelings
The words and action of others may
act as a stimulus, but are never the
cause of our feelings. We see that our
feelings result from how we choose to
receive what others are saying or
interpret what they are doing.
Taking responsibility for
our thoughts and feelings
FOUR OPTIONS on how to receive
negative messages:

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Take it personally- hear blame or
criticism (blame ourselves)
Blame others
Express our own needs/feelings
Look for the other person's feelings
and needs
Taking responsibility for
our thoughts and feelings
Remember: The more we are able to
connect our feelings to our own
needs, the easier it is for others to
respond clearly and non-defensively.
Making Requests:
requests v. demands
There are only two responses to a
demand:
1. submit
2. rebel
Either way, the person making the
request is seen as coercive, and the
listener’s capacity to truly respond is
diminished.
Making Requests:
requests v. demands
Requests may be received as
demands if others perceive that
they will be blamed or punished for
not complying.
Receiving Empathically
In addition to learning to express
our observations, feelings, needs
and requests, we must also learn to
listen for these components in the
messages of others.
Receiving Empathically
Empathy is a respectful understanding
of what others are experiencing. It
does not require us to agree with
them, or offer sympathy.
Empathy requires us to focus fully on
the other person's message, listening
for their observations, feelings, needs
and request.
Receiving Empathically
Regardless of what others say, we only
listen for what they are observing,
feeling, needing, and requesting.
As part of the listening process we
paraphrase—but not just for content.
When we paraphrase for underlying
feeling, needs and requests, we help
others clearly express themselves, and
we are less likely to personalize.
Expressing Anger Fully
The first step to fully expressing anger
is to accept that the other person is
never responsible for our anger. (this
can be a tough one!)
We rid ourselves of thoughts such as,
"He made me angry when he…." This
type of thinking leads us to express
anger superficially by blaming the
other person.
Distinguishing Stimulus
from Cause
We are never angry because of what
others say or do. We can identify
the behavior of others as a stimulus
for our anger, but it is important to
see the clear separation between
stimulus and cause.

For example, my friend Bob was late
the other day…
Expressing Anger Fully
The cause of anger lies in our own
thinking. When we think thoughts of
blame, fault-finding or judgment
("should" thoughts), anger often follows.
Expressing Anger Fully
The presence of anger indicates that we
have moved away from focusing on what
we need, and moved toward analyzing or
judging someone’s (even our own)
behavior.
You can use anger as an “alarm clock”
that can help you refocus your
awareness, back to what you are
needing, but not expressing.
Case Studies
Lisa and Toby:
Lisa’s big promotion!
(names changed to
protect the innocent)
Welcome to the co-op…
(hey isn’t that short for
cooperative?)
Thank You!
To learn more about NVC, please see:

Nonviolent communication: A
language of compassion, by
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.d.
2000, Puddle Dancer Press.

Center for Non-violent
Communiciation: http://www.cnvc.org