Download Chapter 5 - Dr. Saadia McLeod

Chapter 5
Communication
Miller
Intimate Relationships, 6/e
McGraw-Hill/Irwin
Copyright (c) 2012 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.
Communication
More often than we realize, we face an
interpersonal gap
in which a sender’s intentions
--what he or she wanted to communicate-differ from the messages that others actually
receive.
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Nonverbal Communication
• Nonverbal communication involves all the
things people do in interaction except for what
they say. How they say it.
• Verbal communication: What people say —
the vocabulary, grammar, and syntax they use
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Functions of Nonverbal Communication
• Providing Information
– A person’s moods and meaning are usually evident in his or
her nonverbal behavior.
• Regulating Interaction
– Subtle nonverbal cues allow people to take turns in a
conversation smoothly.
• Defining the Nature of the Relationship
– Nonverbal actions express intimacy and carry signals of power
and status.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Facial Expressions
Universal: Happy, Sad, Disgust, Fear, Anger, Joy
Same expressions across cultures
…but can be controlled.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Controlling Facial Expressions
Because facial expressions are so informative, people sometimes
try to control them:
–
–
–
–
Intensifying, or exaggerating, them
Minimizing, or lessening, them
Neutralizing, or withholding, them
Masking, or replacing, them with other apparent emotions
This can occur due to display rules: the cultural norms that
dictate what emotions are appropriate in particular
situations.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Gazing Behavior
The direction and amount of a person’s eye contact is
also influential.
• Looking at someone can communicate interest and affection.
 Strangers who spend time gazing into each other’s eyes
tend to like each other.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Gazing Behavior
• But a lot of looking can also communicate
dominance and status.
“look-speak”
---------------------------“look-listen”
The visual
=
dominance ratio
(VDR)
High-status people tend to use a higher visual
dominance ratio (VDR) than people of lower status do.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Body Movement
Gestures can replace spoken words, but they
vary widely from culture to culture.
The language of the face needs no interpreter,
but that’s not true of the language of gestures.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Body Movement
The posture and motion of the body are also informative.
Brief observation of the behavior of others allows us to
judge their personalities with some accuracy.
Body postures also signal status. High-status people adopt
open, asymmetric postures that take up a lot of space.
Important Gestures? Hand-shakes communicates
power/competence, friendship
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Touch
Touching defines relationships.
• It conveys closeness and affection. Partners touch
each other more as their relationship becomes more
intimate.
• It also signals dominance and status. High-status
people are more likely to touch those of lower status
than vice versa.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Interpersonal Distance
We use different zones of personal space for different
kinds of interactions:
• Intimate zone – the area within 1½ feet of the front of our chests.
• Personal zone – the area 1½ to 4 feet away used for interactions
with friends and acquaintances.
• Social zone – businesslike interactions 4 to 12 feet away.
• Public zone – formal interactions at larger distances.
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Paralanguage
All the variations in a person’s voice other than
the actual words he or she uses:
•
•
•
•
rhythm
pitch
loudness
rate
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Paralanguage
A good example of distinctive paralanguage is “baby
talk,” a vocal style characterized by variable intonation,
high pitch, and unique rhythms.
We often use “baby talk” with babies, lovers, and pets,
and we may use it with elderly or infirm people (who
may or may not like being addressed in this way.)
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Combining the Components
What does it mean when our nonverbal behavior
contradicts our verbal behavior?
Exp: Keep staring at someone yet deny any attraction.
Non-verbal gives away the truth
Sarcasm – in which people say one thing but mean
another – is a good example.
“YEAH THAT WAS A GREAT SPEECH”
(ROLL OF EYES)”
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Components of Nonverbal
Communication
Combining the Components
We control these nonverbal behaviors to create the
intimacy level we are comfortable with:
Distance
Touch
Lean
Gestures
Gaze
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Nonverbal Sensitivity
Non-Verbal Attunement: Reading Each Other
Couples who read each other accurately are happier
Spouses who do poorly at nonverbal communication tend
to be dissatisfied…
…and when such problems occur, it’s usually the
husband’s fault.
Why?
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Nonverbal Sensitivity
Gender Differences in Nonverbal Attunement:
Women: read people better, they send clearer
messages, and interpret others’ behavior more
accurately.
Men: can improve in skill with motivation and
training; Effort and experience is necessary.
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Verbal Communication
Self-Disclosure
The process of revealing personal information
about oneself to someone else -- selfdisclosure -- is one of the defining hallmarks
of intimacy.
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Self-Disclosure
The Theory of Social Penetration
New Partners become more intimate by
increasing two aspects of their verbal
communication:
– Its breadth – the variety of topics they discuss,
and
– Its depth – the personal significance of the topics
they discuss.
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Self-Disclosure
The Theory of Social Penetration
• Early Relationship: gradual and shallow, eventually
deeper
• Reciprocity is key
• Responsiveness creates intimacy
• But even in the closest partnerships, secrets exist
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Self-Disclosure
Taboo topics are sensitive matters that partners agree,
explicitly or implicitly, not to discuss.
The most common taboo topic is the state of one’s
relationship. People may devise various tests of a
partner’s interest and devotion, and they may
interrogate a partner’s friends, but the issue often
seems too delicate to be discussed openly with the
partner.
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Self-Disclosure
Is Self-Disclosure Always Gradual?
Self-disclosure is usually, but not always, gradual.
We sometimes tell new partners personal things soon
after meeting them. However, saying too much too
soon is risky. It violates others’ expectations and
often makes a poor impression.
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Self-Disclosure
Self-Disclosure and Relationship Satisfaction
Self-disclosure that fits the situation breeds liking and
contentment in close relationships, for several reasons:
– Disclosure breeds liking by others
– Like those we disclose to
– Reciprocal self-disclosure builds trust
– How can this be applied to sales, business relationships?
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Gender Differences in
Verbal Communication
Self-Disclosure
Men tend to disclose less to their partners than
women do, but they do disclose more personal
information to women than to other men.
As a result, interactions that involve a woman tend to
be more intimate than are interactions that involve
only men.
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
Miscommunication
Unhappy partners do a poor job of saying what they
mean.
– They’re prone to kitchen-sinking, in which they confuse
issues by addressing several topics at once.
– Their conversations frequently drift off-beam, wandering
from topic to topic.
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
Miscommunication
Unhappy partners also do a poor job of hearing each
other.
– They jump to conclusions with mindreading, and wrongly
assume that they understand their partners.
– They interrupt to express disagreement frequently.
– They find fault with anything their partner says, known as
yes-butting.
– They also engage in cross-complaining, responding to a
partner’s complaint with one of their own.
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
Miscommunication
Unhappy partners also display negative affect when they
talk with each other:
–
–
–
–
–
Criticism attacks a partner’s personality or character;
Contempt in the form of mockery and insults occurs;
Defensiveness leads to excuses or counterattacks;
Stonewalling may follow when someone withdraws; and
Belligerence and aggressiveness can result.
When communication routinely involves these
contentious patterns, the outlook for the relationship is
grim.
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
Saying What We Mean
• Behavior description involves identifying as plainly as
possible a specific behavior that annoyed us.
• I-statements start with “I” and then describe a distinct, specific
emotional reaction.
• XYZ statements combine behavior descriptions with
I-statements:
“When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z.”
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
Active Listening
As listeners, we face two vital tasks:
• Accurately understanding what our partners are
trying to say, and
• Communicating that attention and comprehension to
our partners so that they know we care about what
they’ve said.
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
Active Listening
• Paraphrasing involves repeating a message in our
own words and giving the sender a chance to agree
that that’s what he or she really meant.
• Perception checking occurs when we assess the
accuracy of our inferences by asking for clarification
and feedback.
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
Being Polite and Staying Cool
(Emotional Regulation/Self-Soothing)
Unhappy partners tend to fall into cantankerous cycles
of irascible interaction.
Avoiding this pattern by staying cool when you’re
provoked, and being able to calm down when you
begin to get angry, are very valuable skills.
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
Being Polite and Staying Cool
• Avoid the temptation to attribute hostile intent to your partner.
• Schedule regular meetings for the polite airing of grievances.
• Don’t keep trading sarcastic insults when you get angry; take a
“time out”.
• Take just six long, slow, deep breaths per minute, and you’ll calm
down faster than you think.
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Dysfunctional Communication
and What to Do about It
The Power of Respect and Validation
Validation acknowledges the legitimacy of our
partners’ opinions and communicates respect for
their positions…
…even when we disagree with them.
 Recognition of, and respect for, a partner’s point of
view can make disagreements much more tolerable.
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Group Work
• Using “I” statements and reflective speech.
• Mock Couples therapy session Exercise:
– Observation and challenges
– “Fair Fighting Rules”:
•
•
•
•
Stick to topic
Don’t hit below belt
Take turns to talk
Use I statements and reflective paraphrasing
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