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Managing Expectations
I know people who choose to keep their expectations low to avoid
disappointment. I know others who keep them high so that even if they don’t
meet them exactly, they will have been successful.
My suggestion is to look at your expectations from time to time, to ensure they
are based in reality. Based on past history, are your expectations possible and
probable?
How did you arrive at the expectations? On what basis did you decide to see them
this way? Is there a way to challenge yourself so the expectations are not too low
and not too high?
Sometimes you think it is reasonable and the other person objects. You might ask
yourself, “What can be done to make this arrangement acceptable to the other?”
Sometimes your partner might struggle and you could ask them, “What is the
worst possible outcome of working with a mediator?”
Remember that we are working toward the best available win-win. This is known
as a Nash equilibrium:
Nash Equilibrium is a term used in game theory to describe an equilibrium where
each player's strategy is optimal given the strategies of all other players. A Nash
Equilibrium exists when there is no unilateral profitable deviation from any of the
players involved. In other words, no player in the game would take a different
action as long as every other player remains the same. Nash Equilibria are selfenforcing; when players are at a Nash Equilibrium they have no desire to move
because they will be worse off. (Wikipedia)
There is a book called, “How to Make Yourself Miserable” and the top suggestion
is to compare. When you compare yourself to someone else, you never truly get
the whole picture and end up comparing apples to oranges. You may then think
you have been taken advantage of or got a raw deal, when in reality you got what
you needed and the tradeoffs were considered. No two situations are identical.
There are some people who are hiding money, lie about their numbers and then
when the verification comes, they have to renegotiate the whole deal. We are
going to avoid that by verifying early on.
Some people play power games during the divorce. Especially with kids, please
remember that you will have years of interaction ahead of you.
Positions are, in essence, strategies that advance the interests we have. We value
fairness and equality (that is the “interest”) of equal members. If we both have
the same exact amount in retirement funds, we would therefore each keep our
own.
The same interest makes us each spend 50% of our time with the kids (position).
Since we make roughly the same amount of money, the kids would have equal
housing and privileges at each house so no child support. The child support is not
for the parent, it is for the parent to provide a nearly equivalent environment as
the parent’s house who is paying the child support. If one parent made more than
the other, the less money earning parent would not be able to provide as well for
the children.
Historically, the higher wage earner was not required to equalize this situation
and the children would have widely different experiences at each parent’s house,
sometimes vacillating from poverty to upper middle class setting. There is now a
formula for this. Some people misunderstand this concept this way: If we each
have the kids 50% of the time, I do not owe you child support. This is not what the
law says. Check out the formula- google the formula/law for your state.
Spousal support recognizes that at times one partner would sacrifice career, and
thus future earning potential, to ensure the family had child care and the home
was tended to. Maybe one person worked part time and the other full time. The
spouse that did not work for money enabled the family to have a higher standard
of living through this unpaid labor.
The courts have recognized that the unpaid labor has a value. When married, the
income was shared, that was the agreement to benefit all. Now that they are not
married, the unpaid labor is compensated for a number of months/years. There is
a formula for this.
“Why should I have to pay for him, when he is the one that got fired? He should
just step up and suck it up.”
”She chose not to work. It is not my fault and I refuse to pay. I tried to get her to
work and she just would not. This is not fair. I sacrificed so much for this family.”
“It’s not my fault there was a disability!”
Biggest areas of pain
Money and how time is spent with the children are the two biggest areas of pain
for many couples! It speaks to how you will share power in the future.
Are you using your children to settle the score?
Are you okay with your children being in poverty at your ex’s home?
Are you okay with them suffering when you can afford to provide a decent place
for them?
Some couples threaten to keep the kids away from the ex for a number of
reasons. This tends to be explosive for many couples. Unless there are
documented abuse/neglect issues, the kids benefit most from having parents and
grandparents etc. involved in their upbringing.