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Just Ask! My brother/sister has a mental illness A guide for young people ages 11-16 “BUT... what does that mean !? ” you are not alone! ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS Written & designed by: Jacqueline Potvin-Boucher, Project Manager Project Leader: Dr. Stan Kutcher, MD, FRCPC. Sun Life Financial Chair in Adolescent Mental Health Edited by: Marla Cranston Youth Participants: LauraJill KaylaKaren TanyaKelsey BethKatie Reviewers: Keli Anderson Monique Yazbek Magda Szmuillas The development of this material funded in part by: © This material is under copyright. This material can not be altered, modified or sold. Teens and parents are welcome to use this material for their own purposes. Health providers are welcome to use this material in their provision of health care. Educators are welcome to use this material for teaching or similar purposes. Permission for use in whole or part for any other purpose must be obtained in writing from: Dr. Stan Kutcher. ([email protected]) For more information visit: www.teenmentalhealth.org my brother/sister has a mental illness. But I don’t know what that means. Table of contents Does your brother or sister have a mental illness? 1 My brother/sister has a mental illness, but what does that mean? 2 Is there more than one type of mental illness? 3 • Mood Disorders 4 • Anxiety Disorders 5 • Eating Disorders 6 • Self-injury 7 • Psychosis 7 • ADHD 8 • Substance-related Disorders 9 Suicide10 Myths busted 11 Who gets mental illnesses? 12 Will I get it too? 12 Am I to blame? 14 I feel like I lost my brother/sister. 14 Will my brother/sister get better? 14 Factors that help people recover from mental illness 15 Take care of yourself 17 I feel guilty for being healthy when my brother/sister is ill. 18 I feel bad for not wanting to hang around my brother/sister. 18 It’s also important to spend time with your brother/sister. 18 Things to remember 19 I don’t think my brother/sister likes me. 20 Open up to your brother/sister. 20 Have fun together. 21 I’m embarrassed by my brother/sister; people judge us. 22 Tips to help deal with other people 22 Your family 24 I feel like I have to take care of my brother/sister 24 My parents seem to forget about me. 24 I worry about the future. 25 My parents expect so much more from me than my brother/sister. 25 Visiting a counsellor 27 Tips to cope 28 What I learned from my brother/sister 30 Internet resources 31 What is Evidence Based Medicine? 32 ? Does your brother or sister have a mental illness Although discovering that your brother or sister has a mental illness may be really upsetting at first and you may worry that nothing will ever be the same again, you need to know that over time, things will get better as your family learns to adjust. Plus, did you know that there are different types of mental disorders? In most cases, a person with a mental disorder can lead a good life with treatment and other help. This guide will help you understand more about your brother or sister’s illness and help you find the skills you will need in order to cope, as well as advice on how to have fun with your brother or sister. 1 what is a mental illness? The doctor said my brother/sister has a mental illness, but what does that means? Mental illnesses are medical disorders of the brain that affect a person’s thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others, and daily functioning. Oh ya and also, the problems caused by the mental illness must be beyond what is considered a normal part of growing up or the person’s culture. Is there more than one type of mental illness? There are several types of mental illnesses! And …. it is possible that someone may have more than one type of mental illness. So someone with an eating disorder may also have depression. But they are ALL treatable! It’s really important to educate yourself about mental illnesses, in order to understand them and learn how to better cope with having a brother/ sister who has a mental illness. 2 “My brother was diagnosed with psychosis last year – it’s been really tough and confusing because sometimes he seems to be in his own world. I miss how we used to laugh and hang out together so much.” ~ Tyler, age 13 C . . . e r t r t C e i h t t a h “I have a friend named Kirt and his brother, who is only 18, has a mental illness and so does his dad. They both drink a lot of alcohol all the time and his mom said they are both clinically depressed. I’m not sure if they’re getting treatment but it just goes to show anyone at any age can get a mental illness.” ~ Steve, age 15 “Kate, my younger sister, got so skinny and refused to eat. I couldn’t understand why and it was very frustrating. But the doctor explained everything and said that she has an eating disorder. She’s been in treatment now for a couple months and has already started to get better! ~ Sarah, age 15 3 Types of mental llnesses There are many different types of mental illnesses; here’s a list of some of the more common mental illnesses that happen to teenagers. Mood Disorders Everyone has bad days or feels low once in awhile, but when someone has a mood disorder, their moods are more extreme and last much longer than for most people. Plus, that’s not just extreme sadness – mood disorders can also include extreme highs called mania. This is when someone has beyond too much energy and super-fast thinking. Although that may sound great, when a person is in a manic state they can actually get into some serious trouble with reckless, impulsive behaviour. Major depression – Major depression is much more than the blues. A person affected will be depressed from several weeks to months at a time and this sadness gets in the way of everyday life, such as school, family and friends. Bipolar disorder – This is when someone may have serious depression for a period of time and then their mood completely changes to the opposite with extreme highs. These mood swings vary from mild to severe, and usually change for no apparent reason. These severe mood swings get in the way of everyday life. For more info check these out: www.mooddisorders.on.ca www.teenmentalhealth.org 4 Anxiety Disorders Anxiety disorders are not just the regular butterflies in your tummy once in awhile. Anxiety disorder is when worries, nervousness and anxiety take over a person’s life. Anxiety disorders are common and there are several types, which include: Panic disorder – People with panic disorder get intense feelings of dread or terror for no apparent reason. Although we may not understand why they’re in a panic, to them it’s a terrifying experience. Their heart will race and they may get dizzy, have sweaty palms, shortness of breath and chest pains. Agoraphobia – This is when someone avoids situations in which they feel trapped or places where they are out of their comfort zone. The fear can be so intense that it leads some people to become completely housebound. Social phobia – People with social phobia are afraid of being judged or embarrassed by others. So they avoid many everyday social situations like ordering food in a restaurant, asking for directions if they’re lost, or even going to parties or speaking in class. Specific phobia - This is a fear and avoiding of a specific situation or object. For example, fear of heights or spiders. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) – OCD is characterized by recurring, unwanted anxiety-producing thoughts or feelings (obsessions) and repetitive, unwanted behaviours (compulsions). For example, fear of germs or constant handwashing. The great amount of time given to these obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions interferes with relationships and daily functioning. Generalized anxiety disorder – This is excessive worrying about normal daily activities, beyond what is normal, often leading to restlessness, a hard time concentrating, sleeping, irritability, muscle tension, headache and fatigue. For more info check these out: www.anxietybc.ca www.teenmentalhealth.org 5 Eating Disorders Eating disorders happen when a person’s eating habits and weight concerns become a physical, mental and social problem. Eating disorders are in fact serious conditions that are much more than just about trying to lose weight. There are also various types of eating disorders, which include: Anorexia nervosa – People affected by Anorexia nervosa are very underweight due to starving themselves. They may also exercise excessively to burn off calories and they usually think they are too fat when they are actually very thin. Bulimia nervosa – Most people with Bulimia nervosa actually look to be a healthy weight or may be slightly overweight. The person with Bulimia nervosa will often engage in binge eating (where they’ll just eat everything they can get all at once, until they’re really full. Usually, when they binge it’s on high fatty foods that they prefer) followed by self-induced vomiting as well as abusing laxatives and diet pills. EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) Eating disorder that does not meet the full criteria of anorexia or bulimia. An example would be binge eating, which is characterized by episodes of compulsive overeating to feel better during stressful times, often followed by extreme dieting. For more info check these out: 6 www.cmha.ca www.keltymentalhealth.ca Self-Injury Self injury is not really a mental illness but it can be a big sign that something is wrong. Self-injury is when someone causes harm to themselves on purpose without wanting to die. It often occurs together with a mental illness. The reasons someone may try acts of self injury vary, but may include: •feeling a sense of emotional release •gaining control over their body •relieving anger •self-hatred or guilt •escaping feelings of emptiness or numbness, etc. The forms of self injury may include: • cutting their skin • burning their own skin • breaking their bones or causing bruising • self-biting • overdosing on drugs (including over the counter or prescription drugs) Psychosis Psychosis is a brain disorder that affects a person’s thinking and perception. Basically, the person loses touch with reality for periods of time. They may experience hallucinations, delusions and act unusual. Most people with psychosis can be helped a lot with medications and other treatments. For more info check these out: www.earlypsychosis.medicine.dal.ca www.psychosissucks.ca 7 ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) If your brother or sister has ADHD, they have difficulty paying attention, are impulsive and have a hard time sitting still. His/her symptoms can change from day to day and even from one hour to the next. Some • • • • • other symptoms include: forgetfulness easily distracted careless mistakes talks a lot has a hard time waiting He/she may experience a lot of emotions and through periods of frustration as well as having trouble getting along with others. Emotional responses: • anger and violent outbursts • low self-esteem • depression • anxiety Social functioning effects: • he/she may be bullied • he/she may be an attention seeker (class clown) • disruptive behaviour For more info check these out: www.caddra.ca www.caddac.ca www.adhd.ca 8 Substance-related Disorders There are two types of substance-related disorders: substance dependence and substance abuse. What is substance dependence? Physical substance dependence is when a person’s body gets so used to the substance that he/she can no longer function without it in their system. Plus, his/her body needs more and more of the substance to feel the effects, so they build up tolerance. If he/she does stop taking the substance, his/her body will go through withdrawal, meaning they’ll experience some uncomfortable symptoms. Psychological substance dependence is when his/ her thoughts become obsessed with using and getting the substance. They’ll skip out on their responsibilities, miss school and neglect friends, all because their mind can only think about trying to get the next fix. It becomes very difficult to stop. What is substance abuse? Substance abuse is when he/she continues to use the substance despite negative consequences. For more info check these out: www.ccsa.ca www.aa.org www.aadac.com 9 suicide is real!! If you suspect your brother/ sister is suicidal ask them!!! Here’s what to do: • Try to get them to open up & talk about how they’re feeling. • Do not be judgmental – just listen to them. • Find out if they have a plan already in place. Don’t be afraid that you may be putting the idea into his/her head. • Do not leave him/her alone. • You can’t save him/her on your own!!! They will be relieved that you cared enough to ask. • Tell your parents or a responsible trusted adult. CALL 911 or take them to the hospital 10 myths busted x MYTH: People with mental illness are violent and dangerous. aFACT: Of course when a psychiatric patient commits a crime it’s always in the news but that doesn’t mean everyone with a mental illness is violent! People with mental illnesses are NO more violent or dangerous than anyone else! In fact, they are more likely to hurt themselves or be hurt by others than to hurt other people. x MYTH: People with mental illnesses are just weak. aFACT: People do not choose to become ill and they cannot just snap out of it. Mental illnesses have to do with brain chemistry and brain function and are not due to lack of willpower. x MYTH: People with mental illnesses are usually financially poor and not very smart. aFACT: Social status has nothing to do with whether or not someone has or will get a mental illness. In fact, studies show that most people with mental illness have average or above-average intelligence. x MYTH: Mental illnesses are very rare. aFACT: They are actually quite common; in fact 1 in 5 people will experience a mental illness at some point in their life. x MYTH: People with mental illnesses can never lead normal lives. aFACT: With early intervention, treatment and a good support system, people can and mostly do recover from mental illness. x MYTH: Kids can’t get mental illnesses. aFACT: Anyone at any age can get a mental illness. 11 Fast Fact! Mental illnesses are just as real as any medical condition. Mental illnesses are disorders of the brain, just like liver disease is an illness of the liver. Can anyone get a mental illness? Mental illnesses can affect anyone of any race, religion, nationality, gender and age. Although the exact causes of many mental disorders are not known yet, mental illness is thought to be caused by a combination of many factors, including: genetics environment (physical and social factors) some traumatic life events Will I get it too? This is a common concern but first of all, you need to know that mental illnesses are not contagious. Also, just because you’re related, it doesn’t mean you’re also going to get a mental illness. It’s like every other medical illness. For example, just because your sister may have poor eyesight, that doesn’t mean you’re also going to have poor eyesight. There are many factors that contribute to mental illnesses, as mentioned earlier. So even if you inherit the genetic possibility of getting a mental illness, this does not necessarily mean you will develop one. There are some things you can to do lower the risk of developing a mental illness, such as avoiding drugs and living a healthy life. 12 “People at school make fun of these two twins in Grade 9 because their mom is an alcoholic. I really feel bad because it’s not their fault and it doesn’t make them trash. I’m worried that they’ll feel bad about themselves and end up with really low self-esteem and turn to alcohol too. I wish people would be more sympathetic and befriend them instead of making fun!” ~ Nicole, age 15 C . . . e r t r t C e i h t t a h “My neighbour told me that all criminals are psychotic and you can’t trust anyone with a mental illness. But that doesn’t seem right to me. I’m sure just like with any illness, whether it be cancer, or a mental illness, it doesn’t make someone more likely to cause crime – that’s just ridiculous! I’m sure people with a mental disorder are far more likely to hurt themselves, or be hurt by someone else, than to hurt others.” ~ Stacey, age 14 13 Am I to blame? You had nothing to do with the fact that your brother or sister developed a mental illness. If you’re worried that you didn’t spend enough time with him/her or that you teased him/her too much, know that your actions didn’t have anything to do with it. Your teasing was a normal part of growing up, so don’t feel guilty. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! Mental illness is caused by a number of factors but the normal give and take between brothers and sisters is not a cause of mental illness. I feel like I lost my brother/sister forever. It actually may feel like someone you love got lost somewhere. And your family may be really changed. There will be some pretty tough times ahead and ya, it will suck at times. But it’s OK to grieve! You may cry, get angry and frustrated – it’s all perfectly natural. So take as long as you need to learn to accept and adjust. Will my brother/sister get better? Recovery is possible, even in the most severe forms of mental illness. With medication, counselling and appropriate care and support, people can definitely live healthy, normal and fulfilling lives. 14 Recovery is possible Factors that help people recover from mental illnesses: • • • • • • • Early identification and early effective treatment! Avoiding drugs Positive attitudes A healthy lifestyle (good food, exercise and proper sleep) Good support network of family, friends and professionals Taking medications and other treatments as prescribed Learning how to cope with stress Also, although some people may need to take medication for long periods of time to control symptoms, as they get older their symptoms may change and/or become less severe. Keep in mind that sometimes it can take months for improvements to show in someone with a mental illness. The individual may be prescribed many different medications or other treatments before the doctors find the one that works best. They may also have to switch medications or other treatments as their symptoms change. Realize that treatment is complicated and there is no magic pill that works overnight. Fast Fact! One of the most common medical problems amongst youth aged 15-24 is depression. Depression can affect 6-8% of teenagers. 15 “I had no idea boys could get eating disorders., but my brother has been diagnosed with anorexia. It’s really confusing and difficult to understand why he won’t eat. I wish I could just get in his mind to better understand ” ~ Tyson, age 14 t i t h C er C hat ter ... “Me and my sister used to be like joined twins, we did absolutely everything together! Lately it feels like I’m in a bad dream. She’s got OCD and freaks on me every time I move anything in her bedroom, even if just an inch. She’ll spend hours in her room folding clothes perfectly! Not just perfect but PERFECTLY! Last week we had plans to go to a movie, well when 7:00 came and it was time to go – she couldn’t leave because after getting dressed all her clothes got messed up. She had to not only refold the clothes she took out but had to refold and reorganize absolutely everything in her closet!! It’s so frustrating because I just wanted her to leave it until later, but she couldn’t. It’s like she’s a broken robot sometimes.” ~ Laura, age 14 16 Take care of yourself Sometimes you may feel completely overwhelmed, so just realize you can’t single-handedly cure your brother/sister. You have to know your limits and when to say no. It’s OK to take a step back and take care of yourself. If you’re having a rough day and feeling under pressure, take time out for yourself. Go for a walk or go hang out with friends. You can’t help anyone else until you take care of yourself. “Sometimes I just don’t want my brother around me at all. He can be exhausting to be around. I have to tiptoe around what I say so not to upset him. So I just go in my room and lock the door. That way I can read quietly or draw all by myself – it’s much more relaxing!” ~ Keith, age 14 “I actually learned to have more fun from my brother. He taught me not to be so competitive and just have fun with games and that sort of thing. Now I don’t even care who wins when we play video games, I just enjoy being together and laughing.” ~ Leslie, age 15 t Chi ter Chatter ... 17 I feel guilty for being healthy when my brother/ sister is ill. When you are healthy and doing well in life, it’s natural to feel badly that your brother/sister hasn’t done as well. But it’s important to know that it’s not your fault that your brother/sister is ill. Be proud of yourself and your own accomplishments. Do not try to hide your own victories to make your brother/sister feel better. He/she wants you to be happy and will also be proud of you too. You have nothing to feel guilty about – you have done nothing wrong and life isn’t always fair, but you have to make the best of it. I feel bad for not wanting to hang around my brother/sister. It’s perfectly normal to want to get away from your brother/sister once in awhile. Hanging out with your brother/sister may be exhausting sometimes and you may feel like you have to tiptoe around him/her, not knowing what to say and afraid you may hurt him/her. So know that it’s OK to take time away and just be free with your own friends. You have to take care of yourself first before you can be there for anyone else. Plus, you have every right to have your own life! It’s also important to spend time with your brother/sister. It will help you learn to adjust to his/her needs. You’ll also learn how to better communicate better with him/her and how to be more patient and understand how he/she thinks and feels. Try to keep an open mind. You may often learn from your brother/ sister – whether it’s about yourself, him/her or life in general. Remember, even though your brother/sister has a mental illness, they can still teach you a lot. And don’t forget to have fun! 18 Things to remember g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g g It’s OK to grieve, get angry and/or sad. It’s OK to take time to yourself. You are not to blame for your brother/sister’s mental illness. You may have to adjust your expectations of your brother/sister. You may have to change your communication style when communicating with your brother/sister. Know that your brother/sister’s symptoms may vary and at times seem worse than others. Try to appreciate the small victories. Life doesn’t revolve around your brother/sister. Don’t do everything for your brother/sister – he/she has to learn to cope and manage his/her own responsibilities. See your brother/sister as a person and not as the illness. You can learn from your brother/sister. It may be an emotional roller coaster. There is nothing to be ashamed of. If your brother/sister lashes out at you – remember, it’s often the illness talking. You come first. You are not alone! 19 I don’t think my brother/sister likes me. Sometimes it may seem like your brother/sister doesn’t like you or he/she may seem distant, but just know it’s not your fault. If he/she is mean to you sometimes, it’s not necessarily because of you. The illness sometimes may cause him/her to act like that and he/she really doesn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Open up to your brother/sister. Sometimes it helps to let your brother/sister know what you’re going through and how their illness affects you. Although each situation is unique, sharing your feelings with your brother/sister may help him/ her to feel an important part of life. Realize that your brother/sister may feel left out and isolated sometimes, as he/she may sense that others pity them or are afraid to burden them with their problems. Sharing your feelings will show that you value his/her opinion and consider him/her to be an important person in your life. However, if your brother/sister is going through a particularly harder time than usual, be sensitive as to how much to share with them. Fast Fact! If your brother or sister has a mental illness, you may be more likely to be affected if you use drugs. So stay away from illegal drugs and avoid alcohol. 20 Have fun Together! There are lots of things you can do with your brother/sister to have fun together. Read what other brothers and sisters have to say: “I really like just renting a funny movie with my sister and laughing our butts off together.” “In the winter, me and my brother’s favourite thing to do is grab the toboggans and head to this giant hill down the street from us and whip down it. We can go for hours and hours, running up and sliding down! It’s so much fun!” “My little sister loves peanut butter cookies, so for fun we love to spend all day Saturday cooking up dozens of cookies, then pigging out on them!” “I just like sitting with my brother and listening to music – we don’t even have to talk and it’s just great sitting together enjoying the tunes.” “You know what’s great? My sister and I both really love art – so we really like painting things together. Sometimes she’ll do a picture of me and I’ll do one of her – then we show them to each other. But sometimes I’ll put like fish lips on her or rabbit ears – it’s funny.” “The best thing to do with my brothers is to rock out on our guitars!” “My sister can’t do much – but she sure knows how to laugh! We’ll just laugh at nothing for hours!” “ My favourite thing to do with my sister is to play video games! Especially the car races!” “Me and my sister like to work in our own little garden we made. We planted all kinds of veggies and even a couple pumpkins. Normally I don’t like veggies but fresh ones taste so much better and it’s kinda fun.” “I really like skateboarding and my brother isn’t that good but I have fun teaching him tricks . He thinks it’s cool and it makes me feel important.” 21 Dealing with other people I am embarrassed by my brother/sister; people judge us. People will be unkind at times and may even poke fun at you, your family or your brother/sister. You need to know that they just don’t understand. Plus, there’s still a lot of stigma around mental illness. Therefore, you can choose to either ignore them or stand up to them and teach them about mental illness. Remember though: you can’t force someone to see through your eyes, BUT you don’t have to put up with ridicule either! Tips to help deal with other people Talking to other people about your brother/sister’s mental illness is not always cut and dry. Here are some tips to help: • Try to be as straightforward and truthful as possible. • Take it as an opportunity to bring awareness of mental illness and break the stigma around it. Recommend they visit www.teenmentalhealth.org. 22 • Feel free to just tell people close to you that you can trust at first and then consider opening up to other people. • Do not make up lies and cover-up stories. Consider what would happen if the lies and stories got back to your brother/sister or other family members. They may be very hurt and think you’re ashamed of them. • If you sense someone will be very judgmental and critical, then maybe consider just telling them you’re having family problems or that you’d rather not talk about it right now. • If telling someone may cause more stress to you or your family, then just know that it’s your business and you can tell whoever you want, when and if you want. Just know you have nothing to be ashamed of. You may be surprised at how compassionate and supportive people are! 23 Your family Initially, this is going to be a challenging time for your family and at times there may seem to be more strain on the family than other times. However, with time things will get easier. Know that everyone deals with things differently and some family members may deny that your brother/sister has a mental illness, while other family members may immediately want to seek out counseling to learn how to cope. This is a major change for you and your family’s life and its OK for you to be scared and to grieve. Take as long as you need to adjust. It’s helpful to talk to a counsellor about this change and get information about your brother/sister’s mental illness. Counsellors will answer many questions you may have and also provide support for you along the way as you and your family learn to adjust. I feel like I have to take care of my brother/sister and I’m not happy about it. It’s natural to feel bitter once in awhile. Of course it’s not fun having to help out and do your brother’s or sister’s chores sometimes, or make sure he/she eats their dinner or watch over him/her carefully so that he/she doesn’t get into trouble. You have every right to get annoyed and angry sometimes. When you get really overloaded, just take time to yourself and know that helping out is really appreciated by your family and it may also bring your family closer together. My parents seem to forget about me. Your parents love you and are very proud of you. Know that they’re probably really exhausted and emotionally drained from dealing with your brother/sister; that they don’t purposely mean to neglect you. Maybe they assume that you’re OK because you’re the ‘healthy’ 24 and ‘successful’ one. However, if you’re feeling left out, feel free to talk to them and tell them what’s going on. Help them understand how you’re feeling. Consider, asking your mom or dad for alone time where just the two of you can have a free day to do something fun together. It’s OK to want more from them, YOU ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR brother/sister!. Try to keep an open mind and understand also where they’re coming from too. I worry about the future. It’s normal to be concerned about your brother/sister’s future and your own future. You can’t give up your own dreams and goals because you’re afraid your brother/sister may need help. You have every right to your own life and to dream of having a good career and starting your own family one day. Know that there are a lot of resources out there that can help take care of your brother/sister if need be. Your first responsibility is to take care of yourself. My parents expect so much more from me. First of all, ask yourself if they are really pressuring you – or if you’re pressuring yourself. Sometimes when families have challenges like having one child with a mental illness, the other children feel pressure to be perfect in order to take pressure away from their parents. So if this is the case, know that you are human and don’t have to try so hard to be perfect all the time. However, if they really are pressuring you, know that it’s because they’re proud of you and they may really feel that you can do just about anything. If you feel that they are putting too much pressure on you – tell them. Talk to them calmly about how you’re feeling. They’ll love you no matter what. So communicate and share your feelings with them. 25 “I keep getting stuck with my sister’s chores. It’s really not fair! They claim she’s too ill to do this or that. As if! I say stop treating her like a sick person and let her learn to be responsible.” ~ Terry, age 13 C hitter C hat ter ... “I feel like I’m the only hope in the family to do well. My parents expect me to get straight A’s, be on all the sports teams and be the best pianist. It’s absurd! They think I can do everything! Well forget it! I don’t even like sports and I hate piano. I struggle enough just to get B’s and they’ll just have to learn to live with that. It’s not my fault my brother has schizophrenia. So I’m not going to beat myself up to reach my parents’ dreams – I got dreams of my own!!” ~ Glen, age 16 26 Visiting a counsellor If you’re feeling overwhelmed and stressed out or have questions about your brother/sister’s mental illness, you can talk to your school counsellor. Counsellors are full of information about mental illness and can support you as you learn to adjust. Remember, your school counsellor is there to help and is free of charge. Although many of your questions are answered in this booklet – it helps to talk to a professional face to face, as each situation is unique. Make a list of questions to ask your counsellor and feel free to express your own concerns and how you are feeling. Some things to talk about with your counsellor: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. ask him/her what a mental illness is ask him/her what treatment involves ask him/her what you can do to help tell him/her how you deal with your feelings tell him/her about your family life tell him/her about your relationship with your brother/sister get their advice on things you can do What you say with your counsellor is basically confidential! Talk to your counsellor about confidentiality so you can understand what that means. 27 TIPS to help cope • Learn about mental illness – Check the internet or take some books out of the library. The more you know, the easier it will be to make sense of things. But remember, lots of things on the internet are misleading or even totally wrong. So, you can use the trustworthy resources at the back of this book as a guide to help you find what you are looking for. • Live your own life – Continue doing what you enjoy doing and always remember to take care of yourself! • Talk to a counsellor – If you’re feeling confused, stressed or even if you just have questions about mental illness, talk to your school counsellor – that’s what they’re there for. • Be patient – Realize that your brother/sister will not get better overnight. Symptoms will vary so it’s important to be patient. As well, be patient with your family members and friends – they are all affected by your brother/sister’s illness and it will take time for everyone to adjust. • Create a support network outside the family – It’s always a good thing to have your own friends aside from your family so that you can get away from it all, clear your head and just have fun. • Your feelings matter – Let your feelings be heard. No one can 28 read your mind or help you if don’t say anything. You have the right to be heard. • Take special time with your parents – You may feel neglected at times if your brother/sister requires a lot of attention from your parents, so just know that it’s OK to ask for special alone time away with your parents once in a while. You’re just as important as your brother/sister. So why not ask your mom or dad to have a day together - just the two of you and go do something fun. • Participate in activities – It’s important to take part in activities you like, for example: if you love sports join a sports team or if you like music, join the school band. • Join a support group – It’s helpful to talk to other people who can relate to what you’re going through. • Find yourself – It’s important that you explore your dreams and continue discovering who you are and where you’re going in life. • Learn to communicate – You may have to adapt your communication style with your brother/sister, as he or she may not always be able to understand things, like how you are feeling or what you’re trying to express. • Know it’s not your fault! – NOBODY CAUSED your brother or sister’s mental illness, so don’t blame yourself or anyone else. • Be positive – A positive attitude can go a long way. Have fun and try to look at the bright side of things. • Be realistic – Know what to expect from your brother/sister and know that he/she may not be able to always be there for you, and his/her symptoms may also vary with some times being worse than others. • Accept it – Accepting your brother/sister’s mental illness will definitely make life easier. It will help you be more positive, to cope and to adapt. 29 What I learned from my brother/sister “I used to have a bad temper, but my brother taught me how to be patient and know that I can’t control everything in life.” ~ Allison, age 16 “I learned how to be a good sport from playing games with my little brother. I am a very competitive person and whenever I used to lose at a game, I would get pretty bummed out and mad. From playing with my brother I learned that it’s OK to lose sometimes because it’s about having fun. I even let him win sometimes now because it’s so great to see him get excited!” ~ Kyle, age 14 “I definitely learned to be less selfish. I only really cared about myself before and what I wanted. I had no choice but to change when my brother got an anxiety disorder. I learned how to help him through difficult situations and not just think about myself all the time.” ~ Laurie, age 13 “I learned how to cooperate better. For awhile I was pretty independent – always had to do things my way and preferably alone. But my sister often can’t do things alone, so I have to help her. Anyway – I learned that everyone has their own way of doing things and I can’t force my ways on her. Now we work much better together and I’m more willing try new ways of doing things.” ~ Samantha, age 15 “I learned how to communicate better with other people. Before I was really shy but I had to stick up for my brother many times, so I had to learn quickly how to speak up because I didn’t want people judging us. So I’m much more confident now.” ~ Leslie, age 14 “I realized how much I take things for granted. Little things like just going outside is really easy for most of us, but my older sister has extreme difficulty even just thinking about going out of the house. She has taught me to really appreciate the little things in life more now.” ~ Kelly, age 13 30 Internet resources For more information on mental illness or to find a support group in your area, visit some of these helpful and trustworthy websites: • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • www.anxietycanada.ca www.caddac.ca www.caddra.ca www.camh.net www.cmha.ca www.dana.org www.earlypsychosis.medicine.dal.ca www.keltymentalhealth.ca www.keltyeatingdisorders.ca www.lainghouse.org www.letsfacethis.ca www.mindmatters.edu.au www.mindyourmind.ca www.mooddisorderscanada.ca www.nedic.ca www.nimh.nih.gov www.ocdfoundation.org www.psychosissucks.ca www.schizophrenia.ca For a list of easy to understand definitions of mental health terms please visit our online glossary of commonly used mental health terms, which is available at: http://teenmentalhealth.org/glossary/ 31 What Is evidence based medicine? Everyone of us is different, which means that how our body will respond to treatments may also be different. It's important that every patient receives the treatment that is best for them. Evidence Based Medicine (EBM) helps patients receive the best treatment by finding a balance between scientific evidence, patient values and the experience of the health care provider. For information on EBM please check out our patient guide on EBM which uses easy to understand language to explain how science is used to provide information on medical treatment and care. It also gives practical suggestions on how help you talk with your health care provider so that you can help make sure that the best knowledge from research is being used to direct your treatment. There are two versions available: one written expressly for youth and the other for parents, educators and health providers. Use the one that fits your needs best. This guide is downloadable at: www.teenmentalhealth.org and select resources for this and other valuable materials 32 33