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The Home As God Would Have It
Lesson 5
Developing and Maintaining a Strong Marriage
Deborah Jean Morris wrote:
In those days
the words, “I love you, honey”
were said with fifty different inflections
and meant fifty different things.
They could have meant
Thank you for opening the catsup bottle,
even though you said that I had loosened it first.
Or I enjoy our talks
when you come home from work
and there’s just the two of us to share and dream.
Or simply that I appreciate all those things that make up you;
your sensitive strength,
the way you smile me off my soapbox,
or the way you pretend you are listening when you read the paper.
But somehow along the way we turned
and instead of floating with the current
we now struggle against it.
It wasn’t one action, or one word,
but a series of little unresolved spats and quarrels that make the TV the solution
to the problems of a hard day
and silences us when we should say
1 “Thank you” or “You really look nice today.”
Today, I no longer tell you that I love you because the sound of those words
mocks the special meaning that they carried
when we were first wed.
And it is too painful to remember
that those feelings we said we would never lose were, tear by tear, left in the past.
How terribly true!! Not just one action or one word--but rather a subtle, almost unnoticed
wearing away…. a series of little yet consistent cracks, ever widening and silently ignored. This
is a universal problem in marriage. Many husbands and wives are getting farther apart as the
years go by when they should be getting closer together.
Healthy and long-lasting relationships are definitely possible and proven by many people.
What secrets do long lasting relationships possess? The answer is that they all work hard at their
relationship by making a decision to love. By making love a choice you are making a decision
that even in the bad times, you stick it out.
In this lesson we will look at some Bible principles that will enrich your marriage and
help you build a forever relationship.
I.
Create a Long-Term Perspective For Your Marriage
Without a long-term perspective on marriage we simply will not endure the
inevitable rigors, struggles, and challenges of life. However, with a long-term
perspective, where there is a will, there is a way. The heavenly Architect decreed in
Gen 2:24: “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall
cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”
Marriage begins with a leaving: leaving all other relationships. This is necessary
so that the man’s and the woman’s full commitment are to each other. It is useless to
leave unless you are ready to spend a lifetime cleaving as indicated in Deut. 11:22.
Jesus emphasized the permanence of marriage in Matt. 19:9 when He taught that the
only reason for divorce and remarriage is sexual immorality.
Long lasting marriages have characteristics and qualities that enable the couples
to weather both the good times and the bad times as they journey together on the
highway of life. It helps to have a willingness to create a balance in the time you
spend together and apart, and an openness to change.
2 There are three steps to take in doing this. They are as follows: Create passion
for life and for one another (John 10:10). Continue to build intimacy – both sexually
and emotionally (Song of Sol.) Forgive one another. Don’t hang on to past baggage
and past hurts. Be willing to let go and to move forward with your lives (Eph. 4:3132).
II.
Developing a Long-Term Perspective Depends On Us Cultivating
Internal Security
Most people derive their security from external sources such as – the
environment, possessions, and the opinions of others, one’s job or even one’s mate.
External sources cause our lives to become buffeted and made uncertain and insecure
by whatever happens to those sources.
The only source that can be absolutely relied on in any given set of circumstances
is our adherence to our relationship with the Lord. Heb 13:5 “Let your character be
free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself
has said, "I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you," NAS
Prov 2:3-10
“For if you cry for discernment, lift your voice for understanding; if you seek
her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will discern
the fear of the LORD, and discover the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives
wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He stores up
sound wisdom for the upright; He is a shield to those who walk in integrity,
guarding the paths of justice, and He preserves the way of His godly ones. Then
you will discern righteousness and justice and equity and every good course. For
wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul;”
The more we give ourselves to the changeless principles of God’s word, the
greater will be our happiness and growth in marriage and the more we will be given
wisdom, guidance and power in solving or transcending the various problems and
challenges we encounter.
III.
Learn To Rewrite The Script For Your Marriage and Family Life
Our childhood experiences shape our lives. Our parents and others are role
models; and we identify with them for good and bad. Parents are handing life’s
scripts to their children that in all likelihood will be acted out for most of their lives.
3 Many of the problems people face in marriage rise out of conflicting role expectations
or script conflicts. For example:
The husband may think it is the wife’s role to clean the garage – because his
mother did. But the wife may think that it is her husband’s role, since her father did
that. A wife may think it is the husband’s role to be the chief cook and bottle washer,
because that is what she saw her father doing. But the husband may think it is the
wife’s role to wait on him hand and foot because that is what he saw his mother
doing.
While we are powerfully influenced by our scripts, we can learn to rewrite our
scripts. We can identify with new models. That is what we have to do when we
become Christians. 1 Peter 2:21 “For you have been called for this purpose, since
Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His
steps,” (NAS). Cf. I Cor. 11:1
Examine your marriage and family problems to see if they are rooted in
conflicting role expectations based on family scripts and rewrite your scripts to fit
your marriage. Write your own ground rules based on God’s word and on the things
you can agree on.
IV.
Commit Your Life To Unconditional Love
In every marriage, sooner or later, unlovable traits show up in both partners that
can be met only by unconditional love. The love the Bible commands in marriage is
“agape.” This is the answer for all the wounding in marriage.
This love has the capacity to persist in the face of rejection and continue on when
there is no response from one’s partner. It heals and blesses in unpretentious,
practical ways and imparts stability and a permanence that is rooted in the eternal
Father.
Rom 5:8
“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet
sinners, Christ died for us.”
Eph 5:25-26
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave
Himself up for her;” CF. Titus 2:4
The word for “love” in both passages comes from the same Greek root word.
This word is the self-giving love, the one capable of giving totally of self. It has the
4 capacity to rekindle erotic love and to deepen the friendship aspect. The AGAPE
type of love is more than just a warm feeling or transparent emotion; it is an ACT of
personal commitment. It originates in the mind and will.
It is important for you to stop and evaluate your own approach to love. Do you
presently love with conditional love or unconditional love? To help you answer
these questions try to answer the following questions honestly? If your answer is
YES then your love is conditional love and you need to begin to love unconditionally.
Is my treatment of my spouse usually based on their behavior?
Does my partner’s performance determine the degree of love I give him or her?
Do I think that love should be shown only as a reward for good behavior?
Do I feel that my partner has to change before I can love him or her more?
Do I think I can improve my partner’s behavior by withholding love?
Your attitude toward unconditional love will determine the ultimate quality of
your marriage. By giving your mate acceptance through agape, you will find it easier
to work out whatever problems you have. Here is how to make agape the central
force of your marriage: Choose with your will to love your mate unconditionally and
permanently through attitude, word and action (Cf. John 3:16). Develop the
knowledge you need and pour your life into giving agape love.
V.
Make Love Deposits Into Your Bank Account
You and I have a “Love Bank” in our mind. We all understand the banking
system involving deposits and withdrawals. When you meet the person you will
eventually marry, the two of you will open accounts in each other’s “love bank.” As
you do things for each other and as you relate to each other on a positive basis you
will begin to deposit greater and greater love units into each other’s account.
Soon you will have thousands of love units in each other’s account. It will have
built up so strong that you will say we just have to get married because I love you so
much. If you are wise you will keep making deposits into each other’s account.
They are the things that give you those wonderful romantic feelings.
Some comedian may say, “Yeah, it’s real great until you get married, and then
after you are married, then it’s all downhill from there, romance is gone and all that
kind of stuff.” The reason for that is because people quit making deposits into
their accounts. They start making withdrawals from their “love bank.”
Eph 4:29-32
5 “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word
as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give
grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you
were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger
and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be
kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ
also has forgiven you.” NAS
You withdraw units when you start being overly critical. Your spouse concludes
that he/she can never please you. Matt 7:1-­‐5 "Do not judge lest you be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be
judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. And why
do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log
that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the
speck out of your eye, and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite,
first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the
speck out of your brother's eye.” NAS
When you behave in an annoying way you withdraw units. Prov 27:14-­‐16 “If you shout a pleasant greeting to a friend too early in the morning, he will
count it as a curse!”
“A constant dripping on a rainy day and a cranky woman are much alike!
You can no more stop her complaints than you can stop the wind or hold onto
anything with oil-slick hands.” TLB
When you make demands, or you are dishonest, or you are using drugs or you are
being unfaithful, these are all devastating “love busters.”
Gal 5:19-22
“Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity,
sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger,
disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like
these, of which I forewarn you just as I have forewarned you that those who
practice such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.” NAS
Do you want to be happy in your marriage the rest of your life? Then you must
keep depositing love units into each other’s “love bank” by fulfilling the needs of
each other. When you make a withdrawal then apologize immediately and forgive
one another.
6 Conclusion
I want to close with You Will Do It Better Together
William L. Coleman wrote:
Whatever the two of you
encounter in life,
you will face it better together
When you laugh or dream
or watch a sunset,
you will do it better together.
When you work to make
a home, to make plans,
to solve problems, you will do it better together.
When you cry because of
disappointments and sadness,
you will do it better together.
When you look beyond yourselves
and worship God,
you will do it better together.
With each milestone
you pass in life,
you will be able to look back,
and say, “It has been better together.”
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