Download friends

FRIENDS
Characteristics and
complexities of friendships
across genders
Sex Segregation





Neighborhood kids play together
At school kids are categorized by age and
then by sex
Children are separated into team sports
Boys and girls rarely play sports together
Traditions within school set up sexual
dichotomies that affect choices later on
– Romaine (1999)
Age 7

Boys form extended friendship networks with
other boys
– Boys learn to follow rules and get along with
groups of people

Girls tend to cluster in exclusive same-sex
dyads (Rawlins, 2000)
– Girls acquire social skills of communicating
feelings and being nurturing
Female Same-Sex
Friendships
Female friends self
disclose more
 Generally more
intimate than male
friendships
 Function on
multiple levels
 Talking vs. doing


Fern Johnson (1992) suggests that
female-female friendship has been an
underresearched area because of
stereotypes that women and too
competitive, catty, and jealous to have
meaningful relationships
For the Vast Majority of
Women

Women report a
higher level of self
disclosure in and
satisfaction with
same sex
friendships than
men did
 Catty stereotype not
true of most women

95 percent of single women and 87
percent of married women describe
their same-sex friendships as some of
the happiest, most fulfilling parts of their
lives.
Listening
Women seek out other women for a
listening, sympathetic ear or for
empathy regarding what they are going
through for feeling
 Men listen to “fix it”
 Rapport talk-Report talk

Male Same Sex Friends

Task-oriented
discussions
 Activity oriented:
Doing vs. talking

More numerous but
less intimate samesex friendships
Male Friendships

Inman (1996) found that men
characterize their relationships as
steeped in “continuity, perceived
compatibility,” and based on “selfrevelation and self-discovery, having fun
together, intermingled lives, and
assumed significance.”

Men may base their friendships on
unspoken assumptions rather than
actual conversations about their
relationships
Men’s Relationships
Characterized by less giving and
receiving of supportive communication
 Less empathic understanding
 Less talk that deepens friends’ self
awareness

Men and Disclosure
Some men equate disclosure with
vulnerability
 Vulnerability equates to powerlessness
for some men

If You Believe. . .

Many communication scholars do
believe genuine intimacy must be
achieved and sustained primarily
through communication--the sharing of
ideas, secrets, fears and emotions--then
you will most likely view women’s
friendships as epitomizing intimacy and
men’s friendships as important and
satisfying, but superficial
An alternate path?

However, another way to look at it might
conclude there is an “alternate path” to
intimacy--one that includes
experiencing, not just talking. This
means that intimacy may emerge or
reveal itself in different ways
Cross-Sex Friends

Despite differences,
men and women
both “DO a lot” &
“TALK a lot”

Traveling in “herds”/
“urban tribes”
Factors that impede cross-sex
friendships

Sexual
undercurrents

Societal pressure

Different
expectations
Sexual Undercurrents
More men than women view friendships
with the opposite sex as precursors to
romantic encounters
 Sometimes women’s suspicion of men’s
sexual motives make them distrustful of
men’s overtures of friendships

Societal Pressure

Society creates static
 “Romantic involvement between a woman
and a man is much more celebrated than
cross-sex friendship in american culture”
Rawlins (2001)
 You must be fooling around
– Michael and me

“Oh yeah, their relationship is purely platonic”
(wink, wink, nudge, nudge)
Interpersonal
Communication Patterns
Enhancing factors or not?

Heterosexual crosssex friends as
romantic advisors
 Particularly true for
males
 There are different
degrees of
effectiveness
Between Men

Jocular Sparring
– A guy will se one of his buddies and greet him by
saying, “Man, you look terrible today; where’d you
get that shirt, off somebody who died? And you
hair, geez--put a hat on that.”
– “At least I’m not wearing a shirt with flowers on it!”

This can be translated as “I like you; you are
my buddy.”
And Between Women

Don’t try jocular sparring
– Picture a woman greeting a female friend
by saying, “Hey you look like death
warmed over today--What happened?
That outfit looks like it’s been through the
wringer and your hair look like the cat’s
been chewing on it.”

How would the female react? How
would you react?

Obviously intrafriendship teasing or jocular
sparring just doesn’t seem to work the same
way with women as it does with men
 Picture what would happen if a man greeted
his female friend by saying, “Not getting
enough sleep lately? Your eyes look as
though you’ve been on a four-day drunk. And
that outfit--did you get dressed in the dark?”
More often than not
The women would not take the teasing
lightly
 She may act like she is tossing off the
comments, but in fact the teasing is
probably causing her discomfort
because it introduces an element of
uncertainty in the relationship.

Yes, women have a sense
of humor!
After a friendship has been established
 When women understand her friend’s
communication style better
 Even so, they tend not to prefer this
kind of teasing as a form of indicating
closeness or affection

Is it even possible to be
“just friends”?
How YOU doin?
Keys to effective communication
in cross-sex friendships



Define expectations of relationship
Put limitations on the extent of romantic advice
Place limitations on the extent of your romantic
involvement
CHANDLER:
“I think our friendship is effectively
ruined”
MONICA:
“Eh, we weren’t that close anyway”