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Tyndale Bulletin 35 (1984) 91-128.
THE TYNDALE BIBLICAL THEOLOGY LECTURE, 1983
BIBLICAL ATTITUDES TO ROMANTIC LOVE
By John P. Baker
I INTRODUCTION
Romantic Love
'"When I use a word", Humpty Dumpty said in a
rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to
mean - neither more nor less"." The word 'love' can be
understood in a number of ways, according to the speaker
and context in question. The term 'romantic' is perhaps
even more liable to misunderstanding, especially when
coupled with 'love'. One dictionary, for example,
defines 'romance' as a 'mediaeval tale of chivalry', or
‘a tale with scenes and incidents remote from ordinary
life, this class of literature, an episode or love
affair suggesting it . . . sympathetic imaginativeness;
exaggeration or falsehood'.2 'Romantic' has an even
less encouraging set of definitions: '1) marked by,
suggestive of, or given to, romance; imaginative,
visionary, fantastic, impractical; 2) (in art and
literature) preferring grandeur, and picturesqueness, or
passion and irregular beauty to finish and proportion
. . . ’. To many people 'romantic' simply refers to a poetic
world of fantasy, dream, escape and remoteness. Yet the
expression 'romantic love' is often also used to refer
to the love of two persons of the opposite sex for one
another, understood and expressed in terms of
attraction and devotion to each other, and delight and
joy in appreciation of each other, including the sexual
and physical dimension, but not confined to that alone.
It is in the latter sense that this paper will
understand the expression 'romantic love'.
1.
2.
Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass (London:
Dean & Son, n.d.) 142.
The Pocket Oxford Dictionary (Oxford: OUP, 5th
edition, 1969).
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C. S. Lewis once wrote: 'A romantic theologian
does not mean one who is romantic about theology, but
one who is theological about romance, one who considers
the theological implications of those experiences which
are called romantic.'3 A fresh look at the Bible's
understanding of romantic love, or love between the
sexes, especially in relation to courtship and marriage,
is made advisable by three historical and cultural
trends. First, the mediaeval idea of courtly love,
which entered with the Provencal poets of Languedoc,
apparently as a total novelty,5 in the eleventh century
and swept across Europe in the succeeding years with the
troubadours, continues to reverberate through Western
culture. It has left behind it a double legacy: the
frequent identification of romance and sexual love with
love outside marriage; and a tendency for romantic and
sexual relationships to be anchored in fantasy rather
than reality.4 Though a lengthy literary process of
development in two directions, the result of this today
can be seen at grass-roots level in the often sexless
fantasy romances of the nineteenth and earlier twentieth
century cheaper women's books and magazines on the one
hand, and in pornographic magazines for men on the other.
A second historical fact is the exceedingly poor
track record of much of the teaching programme of the
Christian churches in the West on the subject of
sexuality, love and marriage, the legacy of which is
also still with us. Both E. Schillebeeckx and J.
Dominian5 point out that the Roman Catholic Church has
not only exalted celibacy as the highest estate in
Christian life and ministry, but has also tended to
justify sexual relations and even marriage itself almost
exclusively in terms of the procreation of children. It
has generally written and spoken of marriage in
canonical and juridical terms, rather than in terms of
interpersonal love and relationships. While there have
3.
4.
5.
C. S. Lewis (ed.) in Essays Presented to Charles
Williams (Oxford: OUP, 1947) vi.
Cf. C. So Lewis, The Allegory of Love (Oxford: OUP,
1970 reprint) 2ff.
E. Schillebeeckx, Marriage: Human Reality and
Saving Mystery (London: Sheed & Ward, 1965),
Introduction; J. Dominian, Christian Marriage
(London: Darton, Longman & Todd, 1967) 17ff.
BAKER: Romantic Love
93
certainly been exceptions to this among the churches of
the Reformation and their heirs, yet on the whole these
also have been similarly affected by distorted vision.
The combination of these first two historical
trends goes some way towards explaining the penetrating
observation made by D. Sherwin Bailey: 'The church has
been unable to prevent the secularization and debasement
of the romantic ideal. . . That there seemed to be no
middle way between "puritanism" and licence was due to
the fact that romanticism had been allowed to become a
purely secular force. The Reformation mitigated, but
did not remove, this anomaly, and even in modern times
we have seen the church somewhat hesitant in asserting
itself against secularism in such matters as sex
education, and in resisting the encroachments of pseudoromanticism.’6 A re-examination of the biblical
witness may show how tragic and damning an indictment
this truly is.
Thirdly, as Schillebeeckx correctly observes in the
introduction to his excellent book on marriage,7 recent
developments in western socio-economic and cultural
patterns make it especially appropriate and urgent for
the Church to re-examine the place of romantic love, 'in
other words, the discovery of the personal aspect of
marriage', which 'in the past was seldom the subject of
discussion'.8 These developments include the breakdown
of the supportive structures of the larger tribal, clan
and extended family unit (and even of much community
life), and its replacement by the small, isolated
nuclear family unit; the greatly raised status and
changing role of women in society and in the pattern of
family life; the advent of modern contraceptive
techniques; the much more widespread expectation of
personal fulfilment and happiness through the marital
relationship; and the easier obtaining of divorce. If
the interpersonal relationship and mutual love of the
two partners are not adequate to support a marriage,
6.
7.
8.
D. Sherwin Bailey, The Mystery of Love and Marriage:
A Study in the Theology of the Sexual Relation
(London: SCM, 1952) 9.
Marriage, Introduction.
Ibid. xix.
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there is not a great deal else in society today to do so.
Much as we may regret this fact, it surely lends pressing
urgency to a consideration of this whole subject by
Christian people, especially those who teach.
Deliberately broadening our definition and
understanding of the expression 'romantic love' beyond
what some uses of the term 'romantic' would allow, we
shall now turn to the Old and New Testaments to examine
the attitudes to romantic love to be found there, that
is, to love between man and woman, which includes the
sexual dimension in the narrower sense but goes beyond
it to embrace much more in the interpersonal
relationship, especially with regard to man and woman
in courtship and marriage. (This is not of course to
deny either that men and women relate in many other ways
and contexts - as children, parents, brothers and
sisters, friends, co-workers, etc. - or that their
maleness and femaleness in the widest sense is relevant
in those relationships. It is merely to restrict the
scope of our enquiry, hopefully to manageable
proportions.)
II THE OLD TESTAMENT
A. Cultural Factors
When we turn to Scripture the possible distinction
between 'biblical' patterns and attitudes and the
divine pattern has to be borne in mind at certain
points. In other words, we have to make due allowance,
first of all, for the medium of a divine revelation
given in the context of ancient Near Eastern and
Semitic social customs and cultural patterns. These
include marriage patterns and customs, and the
management of relationships between the sexes in family
and social contexts there (e.g., the arranged marriage
pattern, the veiling of women or girls). These do not
necessarily convey a divine pattern for all time.
Secondly, divine patterns, ideals and paradigms, divine
commands and even divine approval (expressed or
implied), must be distinguished from the concrete
achievements or lack of them by people in Israelite
society in any given time and instance, or even
9.
Cf. Schillebeeckx, Marriage 8, 82.
BAKER: Romantic Love
95
throughout much of the OT period. For instance, was the
position of women in marriage and the family implied in
Genesis 2 always borne in mind and mirrored in later
Israelite society? And how does Christ's redeeming of
us from the curse of the law affect the curse on the
woman in Genesis 3 in practice for us today?10
This is such an important background factor that it
requires some attention at the outset. The ideal and
practice of romantic love, of interpersonal love and
relationships in relation to sexuality and marriage, are
bound to be affected by several other factors. Some of
these are: (1) the prevailing idea and ideal of
marriage - its nature, function and purpose - in the
culture concerned; (2) the prevailing system of
marriage, who arranges it and with what ends in view,
the ages at which people marry, the pattern of
courtship, and even the form of the wedding ceremonies;
(3) the position of, and attitude to, women in society
and the family, in relation to men; (4) the prevailing
understanding of, and attitude to, human sexuality;
(5) the prevalent pattern of social and family life,
including the allocation of roles, tasks and time, and
the size and pattern of the family or tribal unit; and
(6) the controlling concepts of love and responsibility
behind human relationships and life as a whole.11
A brief look at the prevailing system of marriage
will serve to illustrate the possible influence of one
such factor here. It is well known that throughout the
biblical period the ancient Near East generally worked a
system of parentally arranged marriages, and this was
clearly the pattern in Israel,12 possibly due in part
to the relatively young ages (thirteen and twelve years)
at which boys and girls reached marriageable age. This
did not necessarily mean that the young people
10.
11.
12.
Gn. 3:16; Gal. 3:13. Polygamy and male headship
are two relevant issues, for instance.
Most of these will be referred to in the course of
this paper, but generally only in passing, insofar
as they directly affect this study,
See, e.g., Gn. 21:21;.38:6; Ru. 3:1-2; I Sa. 18:21.
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themselves were not consulted. In at least two
instances in the OT (Shechem and Samson) they expressed
their choice first, and left the parents to negotiate
the marriage for them; Esau rejected his parents' choice;
Abraham sent his servant to find the right sort of wife
for Isaac, but Rebekah's family asked for her agreement;
Jacob was told by his father the direction in which he
was to look for a bride, and then sent off to go and
find her himself; and an older man like Boaz arranged
things himself, though still with regard to wider family
issues.13 So the pattern was reasonably flexible
according to age and circumstances, but it was still a
parentally arranged pattern which prevailed. The main
reasons for this are probably connected with the
universally recognized need to marry in order to raise
up descendants to continue a man's and a family's
inheritance among Yahweh's covenant people, and the
feeling that marriage in reality involved far more than
the simple union of a man and woman - it involved a
relationship, expressed as a binding contract, between
the two families concerned, who presumably could then be
counted on to give their general support to the couple
in the years ahead.
To anyone growing up in a different society and
culture, where an idea of romantic love grounded on a
personal choice by the couple on the sole basis of
mutual attraction rules supreme and unquestioned, a
parental arrangement of the Israelite type may seem
appallingly uncongenial. Others may wonder whether it
was any more dangerous and hurtful than the present
'free-for-all' system obtaining in the western world,
which perhaps offers much less protection to vulnerable
young people today. The general merits or demerits of
the biblical system of arranged marriage do not concern
us here, however, but rather two or three facts and
implications surrounding it.
First, parentally arranged marriage as such never
receives explicit divine approval or disapproval as a
system.14 It may, like slavery, monarchy or imperial
13.
14.
Gn. 34:4, 8; Jdg. 14:2: Gn. 26:34-5; 24:1ff. and
v. 58; 28:1-5; Ru. 3:11-4:13.
On one interpretation of the Song of Songs it may be
felt there is an implicit disapproval of certain
aspects of it in relation to the king's harem.
BAKER: Romantic Love
97
government, simply be accepted as part of the status quo,
although some (like Abraham) used the system in a better
and more godly way than others. Legislation was
introduced to curtail and limit the abuses of this and
other aspects of marriage and human relationships,15 but
the system as such (as opposed to marriage itself) is
not approved or condemned by comparison with any other
system. Secondly, however, the system points us to two
things which may be important corollaries, and which
seem to place a question-mark against certain nonbiblical ideas of romantic love. It focuses attention
upon the whole family unit in society, and not just on
the couple alone. Moreover, it allows for an
understanding of love in marriage which has at least as
much to do with the commitment of the will as with the
state of the emotions, glands or hormones. One writer
comments: 'If it was (earlier) possible to write: "I
love you, because you are my wife", there is no doubt
that modern man would express this the other way round:
“You are my wife because I love you".16 When we come
to look at the idea of love in the Old and New
Testaments, this point will be reinforced further.
It is generally accepted that in the Middle Ages
the romantic ideal of courtly love as a love outside
marriage grew up because there was no room for it in
marriages which were arranged, often in childhood, almost
entirely for social or political convenience, and in
which the woman's place was so far from being equal to
the man that she was part of his property rather than
his partner,17 It might be imagined that the biblical
pattern of arranged marriages and male headship would
likewise banish interpersonal and romantic love from
the marital bond, or at least make it difficult and
improbable. But in fact, despite the human shortcomings and failures of which Scripture has many
examples, we shall find that this is not necessarily the
case.
15.
16.
17.
E.g., in Ex. 21:7-11; Dt. 21:10-14; 24:1-5; 25:5-10.
Schillebeeckx, Marriage xix.
Lewis, Allegory 13. See also D. Day Williams, The
Spirit and the Forms of Love (London: Nisbet, 1968)
119-230, in correction of D. de Rougemont's Love in
the Western World (New York: Pantheon, 1956
edition).
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B. 'From The Beginning. . .'
The interpersonal relationship of love between a
man and a woman which includes specifically sexual
attraction and intimacy is placed by Scripture from the
very first in the context of marriage as both its
natural God-given goal and the proper context for its
full enjoyment and expression. The two accounts of the
creation of man in Genesis 1 and 2 complement one
another here. The first18 in Genesis 1:26ff. stresses
the creation of man as male and female and links this
bi-sexual creation with the image of God and fruitfulness in multiplying so as to fill the earth and subdue
it. This important aspect of human sexuality, the
bearing of 'seed' (in common with the rest of the living
creatures) is never lost sight of in Scripture. But it
is not the only rationale, purpose or justification of
the man/woman relationship, nor therefore of marriage,
since in Genesis 2:18ff. it is rather the fitting help
and companionship which God gives to the man through
woman which is in view - a partnership which no other
creature could provide. It is in this context that the
'one-flesh' union and cleaving of the man and woman are
understood here, and this union forms the basis of all
the possibilities, delights and joys of married love
which are referred to later in the biblical writings.
The springs of romantic love between husband and wife
lie in Genesis 2, and the reference to 'leaving and
cleaving' in v. 24 makes it clear that the union of the
two as one flesh refers to a dedication to partnership
together in the whole of life, and not just to sexual
intercourse.19
18.
19.
First, that is, in the pages of Scripture, but not
necessarily in chronological order of composition.
At first sight 1 Cor. 6:16 might seem to argue
differently, but L. Smedes argues convincingly that
the force of Paul's argument is concerned to affirm
that the logic and intention of intercourse in
itself is an inter-personal life-union (Sex in The
Real World [Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1976;
Berkhamsted, Herts.: Lion, 1979] 120-126.
BAKER: Romantic Love
99
Genesis 1 and 2 both state the goodness of human
sexuality in its physical and other aspects as God's
creation, the first chapter by God's viewing all that he
had made as 'very good', and the second by its closing
statement of the couple's unashamed nakedness. But the
disobedience and resultant curse of the following chapter
produce fear, guilt, shame and 'cover-up', and a
dislocation and inequality in their relationship to one
another as well as to their Creator and the rest of
creation. Even after this the author goes on to
describe the sexual union and intercourse of the man and
his wife as personal 'knowledge' of one another
(Gn. 4:1, 17, 25), thereby stressing that sexual intimacy
is a revealing form of inter-personal knowledge, and
underlining the character of our physical sexuality as
an aspect of the personalities of creatures made
together in the image of God. H. Thielicke expresses it
thus: 'The mystery of man consists in the
interconnection of personhood and bios.'20
Declension follows on from the fall of man and
woman, including polygamy, violence, abuse, incest, and
rape, which in due course have to be curbed and
controlled by clear and strong laws reinforcing and
moulding social conventions and behaviour.21 But the
significance of the opening chapters of Genesis for our
theme is paramount in making clear the Creator's
intention in creating man and woman, however far short
of its fulfilment particular people or societies may
fall in later years. Monogamous marriage is the ideal,
with a clear affirmation of the goodness on every level
of human sexuality, and the union which it makes
possible. This union has in view both the raising of
children to multiply the race, and also the unique
partnership of love, help and complementarity between
man and wife. Since Genesis 2 and later parts of
Scripture stress that it is marriage that is here in
view,22 it is difficult to overstate the significance
of the Bible's placing of such love from the first
firmly in the context of the committed union of
marriage.
20.
21.
22.
H. Thielicke, The Ethics of Sex (London: Clarke,
1964) 20.
See Ex. 21:7-11; 22:16-17; Lv. 18:6ff.; 19:20-22,29;
20:10-21; Dt. 21:15-17; 22:13-30; 27:20-23.
Gn. 2:24; Mt. 19:5; Mk. 10:7; Eph. 5:31.
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The themes of the early chapters of Genesis recur
and are followed through in varying degrees in many parts
of the OT and NT. Sometimes it is the Genesis 1 strand
of the picture (viz. multiplying) which is to the fore,
but at other times it is more the relationship between
the partners in the marriage covenant which is in view.
The goodness of human sexuality is never lost from
sight, but the importance of the perspective and context
of its physical expression is constantly stressed. As
God's creation it is prevented from assuming a divine
authority of its own, as if it were a god in its own
right, and it is firmly dissociated by the Mosaic law
and the prophets from the cultic context into which the
idolatrous fertility religions of the surrounding
heathen nations had placed it, cult prostitution being
completely outlawed as an abomination to God (Lev. 19:29;
Dt. 23:17-18; I Ki. 14:24; Ho. 4:12-14). Men, women and
children are protected by strict laws against the worst
ravages which sin and waywardness can wreak in human
lives and relationships through the abuse of human
sexuality.23 The raising up of children and the
continuing of the family line, fruitfulness being seen
as God's blessing and the lack of it as his withholding
of blessing, are well known biblical themes, slaveconcubinage, levirate marriage and other devices being
employed at times to secure these things.24
Two things are plain at point after point. If sex
is not to be a self-authenticating and autonomous form
of self-indulgence, context and intention become vital
questions relating to its enjoyment. That is why rape
is condemned, for instance, as a humiliating and
defiling of the woman involved for selfish ends.25
Furthermore, in this channelling of sexuality to its
God-intended use, a concept of love in human
relationships comes to the fore which includes every
23.
See the passages cited above in notes 15 and 21,
especially Dt. 21:15-17; 24:1-4.
24. E.g., Ps. 127:3-5; 128:3-4, 6; I Sa. 1:5; Dt. 25:5-10;
Gn. 16:1-4; 30:1-8.
25. This is seen from (for example) the difference in
laws on adultery and fornication in Dt. 22:22-29, or
the history of Amnon and Tamar in 2 Sa. 13.
BAKER: Romantic Love
101
level of personal relationship, and in which
commitment and faithfulness are paramount. This leads
us to a consideration of the terms used for love and
the illustrations of love found in both Testaments.
C. Old Testament Terminology and Concepts
Most commonly the Old Testament uses the terms ‫אהב‬
and ‫ אהבה‬for love, but they do not help us greatly in
themselves, being as broad as the term 'love' in
English. They certainly included the sexual aspects of
love, and some writers believe this was their original
derivation; but basically they express an inner feeling
of affection towards someone, which normally then finds
expression in outward action. Other words are used
less frequently and cover different aspects of human
love. The most striking and interesting thing about OT
terminology, by contrast with our own language and
culture, is that there is no word for 'sex'. All the
words used (love, desire, male, female, etc.) are fully
personal, and only personal. Sex is simply never
spoken of as a thing in the OT or NT, but only as an
aspect of human persons and human inter-personal
relationships. Even in the case of incest, the OT
speaks of a man 'loving' his sister (2 Sa. 13:1). The
only impersonal terms are ones of condemnation, such
as 'perversion' or 'sodomy'. In full accordance with
this is the biblical view of the body and soul/spirit
as a unity, one person. This undercuts both any
impersonal view of the body (whether one's own or
another's) and the later Gnostic heresy, based on Greek
and oriental pagan dualism, of the moral neutrality
and irrelevance of the body's actions - so strongly
denied by Paul in 1 Corinthians. The immoral man sins
against his own body, which in the case of the
Christian is the temple of the Holy Spirit, destined
for the Lord in consecration here and resurrection
hereafter (1 Cor. 6:12-20). The motivation is
Christian, but the view of man is essentially Hebraic.
D. Old Testament Examples
The terms in which the biblical records speak of
the love of husband and wife show that the possibility
of real love, affection, companionship and delight in
each other was recognised and these were to be enjoyed
at every level. In Genesis 18:12 Sarah's incredulous
an laughing question, 'Shall I have pleasure?', in
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the face of the Lord's announcement of the impending
conception and birth of Isaac and her own and
Abraham's age, presumably shows that the physical union
within marriage was associated with pleasure to the
woman and that she is not merely referring to the
arrival of the child. In Genesis 26:8 Abimelech
realises that Rebekah is Isaac's wife because of the
endearments they were showing to each other.26 The verb
‫ צחק‬used here for conjugal caressing also means 'laugh'
or 'play', with very happy and perhaps somewhat playful
connotations thus being attached to such marital
displays of affection. Earlier, in Genesis 24:67, when
'Isaac took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he
loved her', the narrative adds simply but eloquently,
'so Isaac was comforted after his mother's death'. This
shows appreciation of the unique closeness and basic
need of male/female companionship and love and also
awareness that it is the closeness of love, care and
affection which is so vital in that relationship to meet
man's emotional needs.
The Deuteronomic law frees a newly married man for
the first year of marriage to be spent at home
specifically to enable him 'to be happy with his wife
whom he has taken' (Dt. 24:5). The story of Ruth
revolves around the need to raise up descendants for
Elimelech and his sons in Israel. Yet the charm of the
story is the faithful loyalty and compassion shown by
the characters in it. What impresses Boaz about Ruth is
not merely her physical attractiveness, but her kindness
to Naomi, and his protective kindness and generosity to
her is likewise appreciated (Ru. 2:8-13; 3:10).
Doubtless he was motivated by duty in performing the
role of next-of-kin, but the whole narrative impresses
the reader with the value of beauty of character and not
merely of outward youthful attractiveness of appearance.
It also commends doing things properly in accordance
with the law, in the context of a man/woman relationship
which is finally consummated in marriage. The contrast
with the behaviour and values of Samson and some others
vis-à-vis women in the preceding book of Judges, when
'every man did what was right in his own eyes', could
hardly be more stark! (see Jdg. 14-16,19). Elkanah and
26. The verb used (‫ )צחק‬is actually the one from which
Isaac's name is formed.
BAKER: Romantic Love
103
Hannah enjoyed a good and close loving relationship,
even though no children had been born to them (1 Sa.
1:5, 8). A further testimony to the importance of
character in a happy and good marriage relationship is
provided by the history of Abigail, the wife of Nabal
the Carmelite, who subsequently married David (1 Sa. 25).
Her marriage to Nabal (the fool) had obviously been
difficult, but in David's eyes marriage to the wise and
gracious Abigail promised nothing but good, so he 'wooed
her to make her his wife' (1 Sa. 25:39). The strength
of his love for her is shown by the way that he and
those with him later 'wept until they had no more
strength to weep' when they learned of their wives' and
children's capture by the Amalekites at Ziklag
(1 Sa. 30:3-6).
The life of David is a convenient point at which to
pause and notice three other things, before tracing
examples of romantic and married love through later
parts of Scripture. First, polygamy and concubinage
feature there, but in the case of the kings, most
notably Solomon, these appear to be seen more as a
status-symbol with political significance (e.g.,
Dt 17:17; 1 Sa. 16:20-22; 1 Ki. 3:1; 11:1-3) than as
the sign of a sex-crazy or over-romantic monarch of some
Decameron or proto-Hollywood variety. Scripture does
not fail to show in several cases the disastrous
consequences of these departures from the divine pattern
and ideal, even though it does not specifically condemn
the practices (e.g. 1 Ki. 11:4ff.; Jdg. 8:30-31 and 9;
1 Sa. 1:6). In some matters men are left to learn by
experience.
Secondly, the incident of David's adultery with
Bathsheba underlines the honesty of the biblical history
in not glossing over its heroes' faults, and also the
refusal of Scripture to glamourize or romanticize
extra-marital sexual adventures or 'affairs' as the
western world calls them today. Adultery is still
adultery and sin, even when a great king commits it,
the trouble started in the mind and heart, when
David failed to avert his eyes at the right moment
(2 Sa. 11 and 12). Hence our Lord's stress on the
heart and eyes as the source of sin in this regard
(Mt. 5:27-30), and the wisdom of Job's godly decision:
have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could
look upon a virgin? What would be my portion from God
above?. . . Does he not see my ways, and number all my
steps?' (Jb. 31:1-2a, 4; see also v. 9).
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Thirdly, David's friendship with Jonathan stands
out as testifying to the strength of a love between two
close friends of the same sex. It is twice stated that
'Jonathan loved David as his own soul (or life)'
(1 Sa. 18:1; 20:17) and this love is re-inforced by a
covenant backed by the 'loyal love of Yahweh'
(1 Sa. 20:14-17). It is celebrated by David after the
deaths of Saul and Jonathan in the famous phrases:
'I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan. Very
pleasant have you been to me; your love to me was
wonderful, surpassing the love of women' (2 Sa. 1:26).
There is no suggestion anywhere in the text that there
was anything wrong with their relationship (as if it
were homosexual), and their friendship would not have
been so celebrated in Scripture if there had been. It
is a testimony to the strength of committed and loving
but 'non-sexual' friendship that can exist between two
members of the same sex. The phrase 'surpassing the
love of women' is the highest compliment David can pay
to Jonathan's love, for Scripture does not have the
generally low view of conjugal love reflected, for
example, in Aristotle's grudging admission that 'the
conjugal relation may now and then rise to the same
level as the virtuous friendship between good men'.27
The Bible does regard general social fellowship and
intercourse outside the family as normally likely to be
enjoyed between members of the same sex. The way in
which the unmarried Jesus was able to count women among
his firm friends as well as men, in a love without
sexual undertones, is particularly striking against his
Jewish background, but may well have been even more so
against that of the Graeco-Roman pagan world.
The book of Esther shows the low status of women
and the way they were treated by men of royalty in the
pagan kingdom of Persia to the east.28 Whether the
27.
28.
Aristotle, Ethics, 1162A, cited by Lewis in
Allegory 4-5.
Note the treatment of Queen Vashti in Est. 1:10-22;
the whole selection and grooming process for the
potential queens in the harem in chapter 2; and the
practice of audience with the golden sceptre in
4:10-11 and 5:1-2.
BAKER: Romantic Love
105
statement addressed to women given in marriage to the
king of Israel, 'Forget your people and your father's
house, and the king will desire your beauty'
(Ps 45:10-11), shows that Israelite monarchs had
slipped to the same standard will depend partly on
whether more than one wife is so addressed and also
partly on the concept of 'beauty' in view. Another
intriguing question in the Psalms is how far David's
expression of longing and desire for God and his
presence is similar to the desire of true lovers (and
friends?) for one another's company. God's love
constantly recalls him; Israel's heart 'is not true to
God'; 'the righteous cleaves to him in love' - these and
similar phrases recall the picture of the true devotion,
desire and commitment of married love (see, e.g.,
Ps. 78:8, 37; 84:2; 91:14).
E. Marriage and God's Covenant Love in the Prophets
The roots of the parallel drawn between God's love
and human love in marriage lie in the Old Testament
concept of the Covenant. The parallel is first
delineated explicitly by Hosea, the poignancy of whose
loving dealings with Gomer, his unfaithful wife
(possibly even a cult prostitute), is used to bring home
to faithless Israel the constant love of Yahweh (see
Hosea 1-3). This parallel between the human love
relationship of marriage and Yahweh's covenant with
Israel is relieved of any possibility of being
misunderstood in a sexual sense by Hosea's fulminations
against the sexual elements, rites and excesses at the
idolatrous shrines in Israel (especially Ho. 4-9). Both
in Hosea and in the other prophets who take up and
develop his application of the marriage picture to
Yahweh and Israel (Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel and
Malachi), the point that is repeatedly stressed is
Israel's (and then Judah's) terrible faithlessness
contrasted with Yahweh's freely given and constant
love.29 ‫'( חסד‬loyal covenant love') and ‫אמונה‬
29.
On the marriage picture in other prophets see e.g.,
Is. 5:1-7; 49:20-21; 54:lff., and 5ff., 57; 62:1-5;
66:7ff.; Je. 2:2ff., 23-25, 32-33; 3:lff.; 13:25-27;
18:13-15; 31:21-22; La. 1:8-9. On Ezekiel and
Malachi, see further below.
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('faithfulness') are what God requires and yet are sadly
lacking in Israel.30 Clearly these are the qualities
also highly to be desired and praised in human married
love, as Malachi stresses so strongly. Judah is berated
for her faithlessness both in the divine covenant and in
the human marriage covenant. 'The Lord was witness to
the covenant between you and the wife of your youth, to
whom you have been faithless, although she is your
companion and your wife by covenant. . . I hate divorce
. . . so take heed. . . and do not be faithless'
(Mal. 2:10-17; 3:5).
The prophets stress the free and generous
commitment of Yahweh in love, conveying his total
acceptance of Israel despite some naturally
unattractive features in her; this love calls for an
equally committed love in response, which will never
look back from the time of betrothal or around at other
'lovers'. Israel's and Judah's wayward emotions are the
sign of a spiritually diseased state but are certainly
not an excuse for the wavering and weakness of her will
(Is. 1:4-6; Ho. 4:12; 5:4; 10:2). Ezekiel develops this
theme most movingly in chapter 16 where Jerusalem is
depicted as Yahweh's unfaithful bride and wife, whom he
had found abandoned and, out of pity, saved from an
early death; he then betrothed her in covenant to
himself, washed, cleansed, beautified and adorned her,
only to have her squander her beauty and despise his
love by playing the harlot and, even worse, by paying
her lovers!31 The picture of Oholah and Oholibah in
chapter 23 reinforces the same point,32 both
chapters developing the betrothal, marriage,
unfaithfulness, repudiation and judgement parallels
through the use of physical sexual imagery. In keeping
with the Bible's condemnation of both fornication and
adultery (as well as harlotry), the passages condemn
any doting on paramours by marriage partners and also
any unchastity in youth which allowed the 'lewdness' of
30.
31.
See, e.g., Ho. 4:1; 5:7; 6:4-7; 14:4; Is. 1:21,26.
Ezk. 16:1-34, on Judah's history; 16:35ff., on the
judgement coming.
32. Ezk. 23:1-21 gives the history of Israel's and
Judah's unfaithfulness; 23:22-49, the judgements.
BAKER: Romantic Love
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physical intimacies and uncovering that should be
reserved for marriage (Ezk. 16:23-24; 23:17-21). We
could hardly be further removed from the mistaken
identification of romantic love with something to be
enjoyed in relationships outside marriage. God had
given Israel and Judah no grounds for such conduct,
since he had shown her nothing but the most generous,
committed and considerate love, and had bestowed much
beauty upon her in his love. Her whole life should
have been one long love affair, or shared relationship
of love, enjoyed with her divine husband - but her
heart, head and whole body, were diseased and so her
will, emotions and understanding were all astray (see
Is. 1:4-6; Je. 5:23; Ho. 10:2).
F. The Old Testament Wisdom Books and Poetry
1. Proverbs and Ecclesiastes
In the wisdom literature of the Old Testament we
discover again the keynote of creation and its goodness
more than that of covenant love. It is in Proverbs,
Ecclesiastes and the Song of Songs that the delights of
love and marriage are celebrated most loudly, and that
some of the sternest warnings against the pitfalls are
also sounded, to steer people away from the counterfeit
and the second best. All the devices that the
'strange', 'foreign', 'foolish' or 'evil' woman
(whether prostitute or adulteress) uses to ensnare
foolish men are mentioned there, from the eyelashes to
special perfumes, alluring dress, smooth, seductive and
persuasive speech, and even special bed-linen - truly
there is nothing new under the sun!33 Isaiah denounced
similar attitudes and characteristics among many of the
daughters of Jerusalem in his day (Is. 3:16-4:1). The
way to the loose woman's house is a delusive path
compared with the call, love and path of true wisdom,
and its end is death, disease, misery and judgement.
33.
Pr. 2:16ff.; 5:3ff.; 6:23-25; 7:10-21; 9:1;
Ec. 1:9-10. Presumably the term 'strange' or
'foreign' woman may indicate either that most
harlots in Israel were in fact of foreign
extraction (possibly from the looser moral
background of paganism, or perhaps sometimes
finding it difficult to make a living in Israel), or
that their ways were foreign to the behaviour and
ways of Israel and Yahweh.
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'Can a man carry fire in his bosom and his clothes not
be burned? . . . Do not desire her beauty in your heart',
warns Proverbs.34 This is one false and blind alley,
but Solomon took another, the multiplying of wives and
concubines and 'pleasure'. That too yielded him no
lasting satisfaction, the preacher reveals in
Ecclesiastes, and was vanity and like chasing the wind
(Ec. 2:1, 7-11). And in the Song of Songs the sixty
queens and eighty concubines are contrasted with the
unique joy and delight of the beloved who proclaims 'My
dove, my perfect one, is only one' (Ct. 6:8-9).
It is the possibility of happiness and delight in
the love of the faithful couple in marriage which is
extolled by the wisdom writers repeatedly, and for
which the imagined delights of the encounter with loose
women or the copious harem are a poor and illusory
substitute. Qoheleth in Ecclesiastes recognises that
there is strength, support and warmth in two persons
being together rather than one on his or her own, but
that there is a time to embrace and a time not to (Ec.
4:9-12; 3:5). Then he counsels, 'Enjoy life with the
wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life
which God has given you under the sun, because that is
your portion in life' (Ec. 9:9). The writer of
Proverbs goes further, after counselling people to keep
away from the strange woman: 'Let (your springs) be for
yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. Let
your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of
your youth, a lovely hind, a graceful doe. Let her
breasts satisfy you at all times, be intoxicated (or
ravished) always with her love'.35 The sheer delight
and joyful abandon of romantic love at the emotional
and physical levels commended here is only possible, and
only has God's approval, within the committed fidelity
of marriage. And the passage goes on to stress that the
Lord is watching - yes, in the bedroom a couple are in
his presence - so that his approval is all-important,
whereas the wicked die through indisciplined living
(Pr. 5:21-23).
34.
35.
Pr. 6:25ff.; cf. 2:18-19; 5:7-14; 7:22-27; 9:13-18;
22:14; 23:27-28; Ec. 7:26.
Pr. 5:16-20. The earthy directness has been
somewhat watered down by the RSV which changes
'breasts' to 'affection'.
BAKER: Romantic Love
109
Proverbs is male-oriented, written by a man for a
man ('my son') to convey the wisdom of God (Pr. 4:1-4;
5:1; 6:1, 20; 18:22). Its writers know that to gain a
wife is a good thing, a favour from the Lord. They are
loud in singing the worth and praise of the good wife,
who is not merely loving and affectionate, but gracious,
prudent, extremely industrious in looking after her
family, and a shrewd businesswoman (Pr. 12:4; 19:14;
31:10-31). It is typical of Scripture thus to combine
the earthy and the romantic, or shared love and
affection with absolutely practical considerations. In
the end it is character that is the key. The misery of
life with a contentious, quarrelsome or fretful partner
(the 'nagging wife') is recognised, and also the
disaster of marriage to someone who has been unloved.36
The true understanding of beauty, as displayed by the
wise, is well illustrated in Proverbs and is
characteristic of the whole of Scripture. The
seductress has beauty of a sort (outward only), but it is
dangerous and incongruous, for 'a beautiful woman
without discretion is like a gold ring in a pig's snout'
(Pr. 6:25; 11:22). Again, concerning the good wife whose
price is far above rubies, we hear 'Charm is deceptive,
and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to
be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let
her works praise her in the gates'. Incidentally,
husbands are expected to praise their wives generously
when they are devoted to their families - 'Many women
have done excellently, but you surpass them all'
(Pr. 31:28-31). Perhaps this is simply the corollary of
the earlier statement: 'Better is open rebuke than
hidden love' (Pr. 27:5); for love in Scripture is meant
to be expressed and shared. To return to beauty,
Scripture is never afraid to describe a woman as
'beautiful', 'lovely' or 'fair to behold', or a man as
good-looking and handsome, for true beauty is from the
Lord and is his creation and gift ('He has made
everything beautiful in its time'37). But the most
36.
37.
Pr. 17:1, 14; 19:13; 21:9, 19; 25:24; 27:15-16; 30:23.
Ec. 3:11; cf. Gn. 12:11, 14; 24:16; 26:7; 28:17;
1 Sa. 25:3; 2 Sa. 12:2; 13:1; 14:27.
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important thing in God's eyes is the inward beauty and
adornment of heart, spirit and character (cf. 1 Pet.
3:3-4), and what we do with whatever beauty God may have
given us (Israel had sadly squandered and prostituted it,
as we saw from Ezekiel 16 and 23 earlier; cf. Je. 4:30).
These themes of Proverbs are also extensively
illustrated in the apocryphal wisdom books, notably in
Sirach (Ecclesiasticus).38
2. The Song of Solomon
One of the three or four things too wonderful for
the writer of Proverbs to comprehend is 'the way of a
man with a maiden' (Pr. 30:18-19), and to this theme and
that of beauty in love is devoted the greatest love-poem
in the world in the eyes of many, the Song of Solomon.
Unlike Proverbs it is written from the woman's point of
view more than from the man's. It is also one of the
greatest literary puzzles in the world. Many theories
have been advanced as to its nature, structure and
interpretation, precisely who are the characters, what
the setting, and what its purpose in Scripture. Despite
its widespread popularity down the years in both Jewish
and Christian interpretation, the view of the book as an
allegory of the love relationship between God and Israel
or between Christ and the Church (or the believer) must
be firmly and unhesitatingly rejected, both as the main
intention of the book and as a secondary exposition of
it.39 Doubtless certain features, ideas and statements
in it can be used (with the wisdom of hindsight) to
illustrate these prophetic and apostolic parallels, but
the book neither claims to be such an allegory nor has
it any of the classic hallmarks of that class of writing.
Moreover, the covenant relationship between Yahweh and
Israel is not a theme of the wisdom literature or 'the
Writings' in general, which use love and marriage
imagery only in terms of responding and cleaving to
38.
See Sir. 9:1-9; 18:30; 19:2; 25:1-2, 13-23; 26:1-18;
36:21-27; cf. also Tob. 4:12.
39. The history of this line of interpretation is a
commentary on the world's bad conscience about
sexual and physical love which has infected the
church, in addition to a more general tendency to
allegorize Scripture.
BAKER: Romantic Love
111
wisdom as the soul's true love, not in terms of the
covenant of grace.40 We also reject the view which
regards the book as a series of unconnected poems about
love, as being both unnecessary and contrary to some of
the Song's own interconnecting features (refrains,
repetitions of speakers, etc.). However one sees the
main characters and however one reconstructs the plot in
detail41 one's conclusions do not in fact greatly affect
the major emphases and lessons of the book on the theme
of romantic love.42
As D. D. Williams says: 'We can (with Karl Barth)
be glad that the Song of Songs is in Scripture, not as a
cryptogram of theological meaning, but as the love song
of man and woman'.43 The Song is a celebration of true
love between a young man and young woman in all its
emotional intensity and physical and personal delight,
in a way which extols both the one-to-one principle
(which marriage proclaims) as against polygamy or
promiscuity, and the need for virginity to be
preserved intact until the day when a girl is 'spoken
for' in marriage (Ct. 5:9ff.; 6:8-9; 4:12; 8:8-10).
God, religion and morality are never explicitly
mentioned in the Song44 which seems to handle sexuality
and love as almost secular and 'profane' rather than
mythologizing it with either religious or cultic
meaning. Highly poetic imagery is combined with
detailed and down-to-earth appreciations by the lovers
40.
41
42.
43.
44.
Pr. 1:20ff.; 3:13ff.; 4:4ff.; 7:4; 8:lff., esp.
v.17; compare 8:35 with 18:22; 9:1ff. Just as a
faithful and good wife is the true love and satisfaction of man at the human level, so wisdom is at
a higher level. The 'strange' woman is a false
rival of both (see 2:16ff.; 5:1-6; 6:23-24; 7:4-5;
8:1-3 compared with 9:13-18). See also Wis. 8:1-16.
E.g., as Solomon learning the meaning of true love in
practice from his marriage with a Shunamite like
Abishag; or his being refused by a country girl
brought into his harem in favour of her chosen and
dearly-loved shepherd-bridegroom; or as a country
wedding depicting the young couple in poetic
fashion as king and princess/queen.
The major features and emphases are well summed up
by Archdeacon Aglen in his introduction to the book
in C. J. Ellicott (ed.), An Old Testament Commentary for English Readers, Vol. IV (London: Cassell,
1897) 385-386.
Williams, Love 235.
God is mentioned only in a poetic metaphor
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of each other's entire bodies and being (Ct. 4:1-7;
5:10-16; 7:1-9). Here is beauty and sensitivity without
crudity. As elsewhere in Scripture, human sexuality is
healthily and naturally accepted and is neither deified
nor despised. Associated with it and with true human
romantic love are ideas of goodness, playfulness, the
beautiful spring countryside, and dreams (whether by day
or by night). But as Schillebeeckx points out, there is
no frivolity; the Song ends in a bridal feast; 'great
value is placed on the virgin state of the beloved', and
true love, which cannot be bought (even by Solomon), is
expressed as unshakeable fidelity ('for love is as strong
as death'). 'The Song forms a healthy counterpart to the
other Old Testament tendency to see the function of
marriage almost exclusively as the perpetuation of the
clan and nation. It extols not fertility. . . but human
love.'45 It forms an idyllic commentary on what the
creation account of Genesis 2 has to say about the manwoman relationship. The wonder at the beauty of the
beloved's body is quite free and unashamed, and the
English versions' somewhat improbable translation of ‫שר‬
as 'navel' in 7:2 (Hb. 7:3) disguises the full extent of
unembarrassed detail in the man's appreciation of and
delight at his bride's physical attraction.46 However,
the parallelism of 'friend' and ‘lover’ in 5:1 and 5:16
stresses that the physical is not the only level in
view, and 5:16 states that the beloved is 'altogether
desirable'. The words used for beauty and loveliness in
the book underline the fact that it is inward beauty as
well as outward that is being praised: e.g., no, - beauty
of outward form; ‫ נעם‬- inward beauty; lovely, pleasant,
tender-hearted, delightful; ‫ נאה‬-inward and outward beauty; comely, lovely, befitting, seemly.47 We hear arepeated
_________________________________
adjectivally in 8:6, and by implication is possibly
referred to in 7:1.
45. Schillebeeckx, Marriage 27-31 (quotations from p. 30).
46. Cf. O. L. Barnes, The Song of Songs (Newcastle:
Progressive, 1961), Appendix 2, p. 10. BDB, 1057,
gives 'vulva' as a common interpretation. On the
'Shepherd-lover' interpretation of Ewald and others,
these verses form part of Solomon's praising of the
girl's form, and are hence regarded by some as
intemperate. Yet here too the poetry is not crude,
but beautiful.
47. ‫ יפה‬in Ct. 1:8,15 (twice), 16; 2:10, 13; 4:1 (twice),
7, 10; 5:9; 6:1, 4, 10; 7:2,7; ‫ נעם‬in 1:16; 7:7; ‫ נאה‬in
1:5,10; 2:14; 4:3; 6:4. See Barnes, Song of Songs,
Appendix 4.
BAKER: Romantic Love
113
request to the daughters of Jerusalem that they 'stir not
up nor awaken love until it please', which is probably
best understood as a warning of the undesirability of
premature or artificial stimulation of either romantic
love or sexual passion (Ct. 2:7; 3:5; 8:4). Mutual
belonging and glad self-giving are rejoiced in by the
couple: 'My beloved is mine and I am his'. Finally,
this love - 'a most vehement flame' - can survive many
floods and waters which cannot quench or drown it, and
is as strong as death, and as inexorable as Sheol
(Ct. 2:16; 6:3; 8:6-7). Its very nature is to commit
itself to lifelong fidelity.
Intoxication, feeling sick with love, dreaming of
the beloved - this is the stuff of which romantic love is
made in every culture. But it seems clear that in the
Song we are seeing love and passion at their most ardent
as well as at their truest, precisely because we see
passionate love in a young bride and groom at the point
of readiness for the consummation of marriage. Other
parts of Scripture encourage us to think that within
marriage faithful devotion to and delight in one another
as whole persons ought to go on from strength to strength
all through life, but the all-conquering intensity of
passion, with its dreaming and lovesickness as here
witnessed, could hardly be expected to do so. It must be
held in perspective with all the other dimensions and
purposes of marriage, the family and social life.
Although romantic love and passion may be expressed
politically - even lyrically - in the Bible,as here in the
Song, yet it is generally firmly anchored in reality, not
fantasy. (The dreams of the bride in the Song are about
a real relationship, be it noted.) Fully aware of the
dangers as well as the delights of passionate love,
Scripture balances the poetry of the Song with the
guidance, encouragement and warnings of the wise, the
wiser purposes of marriage envisaged from creation, the
disciplined regulation of the law, the covenant
illustrations of the prophets, and the transforming love
of God in Christ as the external and internal dynamic of
relationships in a godly life.
It is small wonder that some, like Charles Williams,
have sought to construct out of true romantic
love's vision and self-giving abandon, a whole
understanding and theology of reality and human life
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TYNDALE BULLETIN 35 (1984)
based on Christian presuppositions and principles.48
Statements like 'Your love is better than wine' are
perhaps not altogether unrelated to the New Testament's
charge to be filled with the Holy Spirit and then to
overflow in the loving praise of God rather than be
drunk with wine (Ct. 1:1-2; 4:10; Eph. 5:18-19;
Acts 2:12-17). There is room in both Old and New
Testament for an ecstatic element in love for God and
one's beloved, but this is never divorced from the moral
and rational dimension. In view of the way the
allegorical interpretation of the Song has used the
ardour of romantic love as a picture of the believer's
love for Christ, the question ought to be asked whether
Scripture ever draws such a comparison. The only point
of any such parallel (note, e.g., 'You have lost your
first love', Rev. 2:4; 'You are lukewarm', Rev. 3:16) is
to highlight the ardour and enthusiasm of selfless
devotion in one's first love rather than to suggest the
need for a particular emotionally high state, and it
certainly has nothing of eroticism in it at all. This
is the true perspective, that of self-giving devotion
and interdependence to which Charles Williams also
seeks to lead his readers from his consideration of the
true vision and images of romantic love. The practice
in some of the mystical traditions of applying physical
and erotic imagery to the worship of Christ or God
finds no support in the Bible, and is a by-way fraught
with danger.
III THE NEW TESTAMENT
A. Christ and the Church
When we reach the NT, the OT prophetic parallel
between the divine and human covenant relationship and
marriage is maintained, but now it is Jesus Christ who
is the bridegroom and the Church who is his bride.
Except for two places the noun γάμος is always used
48.
See Mary M. Shideler's fine study, The Theology of
Romantic Love: A Study in the Writings of Charles
Williams (New York: Harper, 1962). Williams seeks
to draw out the meaning of romantic love and
romantic experiences. His approach is essentially
Platonist in method, but Christian in its
objectives and in the understanding of love to
which he seeks to lead his readers.
BAKER: Romantic Love
115
in the NT in connection with the Kingdom or the marriage
of Christ and the redeemed.49 The imagery of the
bridegroom and the wedding feast used by Jesus in some of
the parables (Mt. 22:1-14; 25:1-10; cf. 9:14-15) is
developed in the Apocalypse with its picture of the
gaudy Babylonian harlot contrasted with the radiant
woman who is the bride of the Lamb. The OT prophetic
theme is here transmuted into NT terms and relationships
and presented in apocalyptic style, the culmination
being the marriage supper of the Lamb, the coming of the
bridegroom, and the appearing of the bride in all her
glory as the holy city (Rev. 12:1-6; 17:1-19:9; 21:1ff.;
22 :12, 17, 20). It is left to Paul in Ephesians 5 to
develop most closely the parallel between the love of
the heavenly bridegroom and his bride and the love of
human husbands and wives for each other, in order to
illuminate the human relationships within marriage
(Eph. 5:21-33). Paul shows (1 Cor. 7) that he is well
aware of the reality of sexual love and the strength of
the flame which burns in it (1 Cor. 7:9), and elsewhere
he denounces the denial of the goodness of married love
as a demonic doctrine (1 Tim. 4:1-5). But in the context
of the whole marriage relationship it is the self-giving
sacrificial love of Christ for his body, the Church,
which is to show the way for husbands to love their
wives as their own bodies and which will elicit the
wife's loving response of loyalty and respect for her
husband as her head (in the Lord). Warm cherishing,
under care and nurture - the measure of this selfgiving, outgoing love is sacrifice for the sake of the
person loved. Only such a love will bring the cleansing,
holy beauty, perfecting and wholeness of character to any
spouse or couple, which is God's will in the mysterious
one-flesh union of marriage (Eph. 5:22-33). Growth into
deeper wholeness and perfection through married love is
what God intends. It is only within the inspiration and
control of such mutual love that the personal levels of
the union, including the romantic side, will yield the
satisfaction and glory which are otherwise impossible.
As C. S. Lewis points out, without this divine love to
back it and strengthen it, romantic love by itself will
never be able to fulfill the great promises its vision
holds out to men and women.50
49. The exceptions are Jn. 2:1-2 and Heb. 13:4.
50. S. Lewis, The Four Loves (London: Collins, 1963)
102-106.
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What Paul is doing in Ephesians 5 is applying to the
marriage relationship the second great commandment to
‘love your neighbour as yourself’, in the light of the
Lord's new commandment to 'love one another as I have
loved you' (Mk. 12:31; Jn. 13:34-35; 15:12, 17; 1 Jn.
2:7-11). He is also showing his readers the practical
application of the understanding of love expounded in
1 John 4, the divine love which men begin to understand
only through the propitiatory death of Christ, but which
then comes into their lives to control and inspire their
relations with one another (1 Jn. 4:7-13, 16-21). So to
the two OT controlling key ideas of creation and
covenant, the NT forces us to add a third - Calvary - to
help us to understand the meaning of true love between
man and woman.
B. New Testament Terminology
In the LXX the principal Hebrew term for love (‫)אהב‬
is mostly translated by ἀγαπάω, a fairly colourless word
for love in non-biblical Greek, meaning 'to be fond of,
treat with respect, be pleased with'. This term and its
cognate noun ἀγάπη take on a particular significance in
the NT because they are used especially of the selfgiving redemptive love of God in Christ and of man's
love as inspired by this. These are the distinctive NT
and Christian words for love, because it is a distinctive
kind of love which is being spoken of. H. Thielicke
notes that the NT never uses ἀγάπη/ἀγαπᾶν in anything
other than personal terms; you can love only persons
(the words are not used of ideas, principles, norms or
values, or things at all).51 Φιλέω/φίλος/φιλία
(denoting affection, friendship, love) and στέργω/στοργή
(denoting instinctive natural affection as between
parents and children) also occur in the NT (the latter
root only in compound forms). Extremely striking, by contrast, is the total absence of the ἐράω/ἔρως word-group
which constituted the distinctive Greek terms to describe
sexual love, especially the passionate love between a
man and a woman, marked by craving and longing desire.
(These latter words were also used in the mystery
religions in a religious sense of attraction to and
striving after union with a god, and by Plato in a
philosophical sense of striving after righteousness,
51. Thielicke, Ethics 29-31.
BAKER: Romantic Love
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wisdom and the good).52 The NT deliberately avoids
them, presumably because they were considered semantically debased coinage - vulgar ἔρως because of its
link with a view of love based entirely on sexual desire
and attraction (often misunderstood or perverted) and
with the figure of Eros as a divine inspirer and even
compeller of men and women, which actually had far more
of the demonic than of the divine in it; and mystical/
philosophical ἔρως, for other reasons connected with the
theology of salvation, which need not concern us here.53
When, therefore, the New Testament tells husbands
to love (ἀγαπᾶτε) their wives, it does so not because it
disapproves of any sexual attraction and delight each
may find in the other (or its enjoyment and expression
in the right context) but because it has a higher
concept of love as self-giving and as commitment to the
blessing and well-being of another. In Christ this
elevated view of love is seen as being meant to inspire
and as needed to control all forms of human
relationships, including marriage, family, parenthood,
work, church and community.54 (The NT has other words
for desire [e.g., ἐπιθυμία, ὄρεξις] but it will not
endow with the name of 'love' anything that may turn out
to be merely self-centred desire, and it leaves ἔρως on
one side for this reason).
C. Desire - Right and Wrong
Otto Piper writes: 'Sexual love, like all other
forms, is a search after true love. Given that, sexual
sympathy is in itself only a pointer to, and a symbol of,
52.
53.
54.
Much of this paragraph summarizes the discussion by
W. Gunther and H. G. Link of 'Love' in The New
International Dictionary of New Testament Theology
(ed. C. Brown) (Exeter: Paternoster, 1976), Vol. 2,
538ff. Note also that ἐράω and ἐρωτίς are used only
once each to translate ‫ אהב‬in the LXX. Ἀγαπάω is
also used in the LXX to translate ‫רצה‬, ‫רחם‬, and ‫חפץ‬.
On this whole subject see A. Nygren, Agape and Eros
(London: SPCK, 1932); Williams, Love, chapter 4;
O. O'Donovan, The Problem of Self-Love in St.
Augustine (London: Yale University Press, 1980); and
M. C. D'Arcy, The Mind and Heart of Love (London:
Faber & Faber, second edition, 1954).
See, e.g., Eph. 4:17-6:9; Col. 3:12-4:1; 1 Jn.
4:7-5:3. For an attempt to work out the relationships between στορή, φιλία, ἔρως and ἀγάπη from a
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true love'.55 Is this not what Jesus was telling the
woman of Samaria who had had five husbands but so
desperately needed the living water to quicken an
eternal spring of love within her (Jn. 4:13-18)?
Sometimes the NT suggests that ἐπιθυμία is what is wrong
with the world, for in 2 Peter 1:4 the aim of God's
promises in Christ is depicted as being 'that through
these you may escape the corruption that is in the world
through lust' (ἐπιθυμία). This term, frequently used in
the NT to mean selfish desire or passion, 'expresses the
deeply rooted tendency in man to find the focus of his
life in himself, to trust himself, and to love himself
more than others', and certainly rather than God. The
lust of fallen man (or of 'the flesh' or 'the mind')
finds expression in every direction - sex, material
enjoyment, power, possessions, men's praise and so on.56
Yet the Bible nowhere condemns the sexual and emotional
needs of man which find expression in emotional or
sexual desires as such, but only their indisciplined
misdirection, abuse or disproportion in the person not
submitted to the will of God nor ruled by his love. In
other words, men being 'lovers of pleasure rather than
lovers of God', indulge their desires (whether good or
evil in themselves) for their own self-gratification
(1 Tim, 3:1-5). But the Psalmist promised man: 'Delight
in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your
heart' (Ps. 37:4). True love between man and woman can
include desire (for the whole person and for complete
union): 'He is altogether desirable'; 'I am my
beloved's and his desire is for me' (Ct. 5:16; 7:10).
It is doubtful whether the phrase in Genesis 3:16, 'Your
desire shall be for your husband', indicates the actual
curse on the woman. It is rather that the desire will
continue but will now lead to pain in childbearing and
domination by the man. A good example of the middle
course along which Scripture tries to steer us is
provided by the apocryphal book of Tobit (however
strange it may appear in other respects), where, before
_________________________________
55.
56.
Christian standpoint, see Lewis, The Four Loves and
also (in parts) E. W. Hirst, Studies in Christian
Love (London: SCM, 1944).
The Christian Interpretation of Sex (London: Nisbet,
1942) 77.
H. Schönweiss, 'Desire' in NIDNTT, Vol. 1, 456-458
(quotation from p. 457).
ΒAKER: Romantic Love
119
the marriage of the young Tobias and Sarah is
consummated, he prays with her in the bedroom. After a
reference to God's intentions in making Adam and Eve in
Genesis 2 he says, 'So I do not take my sister from any
lustful motive; I do it in singleness of heart. Be kind
to have pity on her and on me and bring us to old age
together' (Tob. 8:7). The whole perspective of marriage
is kept in view by the God-fearing couple.
E. Schillebeeckx argues that in the OT ‫ אהבה‬is a
love impelled by violent and voluntary desire for
reference, and so marriage originated in a spontaneous
feeling or desire, led on to definite choice, and was
regulated by a covenant established in ‫חסד‬.57 Under the
biblical arranged marriage system, however, the order
would have had to be reversed some of the time, and love
was expected to grow and is thought to have been
enjoined upon the couple in the wedding charge.58 The
commitment of the will and the whole person was involved.
If we ask the question, 'How can you work up love as a
feeling?', the answer must presumably be that you
cannot. But by God's blessing love was expected to
flourish between man and wife. The NT tells us that a
couple have a duty in this (as in other relationships)
to maintain the openness and vulnerability as well as
the care and consideration of ἀγάπη towards one another,
and to refuse to give any ground in the heart to malice,
bitterness and the many other things which can dam up
the springs of love.59 In Scripture only jealousy and
anger have both a positive and a negative sense. A
husband or wife has the right and in some ways the duty
to be jealous of the partner's exclusive commitment and
faithfulness in love, as God is of his people's.60 But
57.
58.
59.
60.
Schillebeeckx, Marriage 64.
I have seen this stated in various places, but have
not found a clear example in biblical times. It may
be thought to be implied in the marriage contract or
covenant which was drawn up (as in Tob. 7:13) or in
the blessing, or it may be an inference from later
practice. It is certainly in line with apostolic
thinking in the NT.
E.g., Eph. 5:22-33 in the light of 4:31-5:2. Cf.
Rom. 12:9-10; 13:8-10; Col. 3:8-14,18-19.
Ex. 20:5; 34:14; Nu. 5; Ezk. 16:42; 23:25; Zc. 1:14;
8:2.
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woe betide the man or woman who gives a married man
cause to be jealous in another OT sense; that person
will suffer the judgment of God under the OT law of
jealousy or the just anger of an enraged and wronged
spouse or family, as in Proverbs and the history books.61
D. Other New Testament themes
The NT also continues many other OT strands of
teaching on love and marriage, although (as has already
been shown) the whole is transformed for the believer by
the experience and way of God's ἀγάπη in Christ and the
ensuing parallel between Christ and the Church already
noted. There is full recognition of the power of sexual
attraction and of the sexual and emotional needs of men
and women, for which marriage is God's provision, subject
always to the overarching claims of the kingdom and the
Lord (see, e.g., Paul in 1 Cor. 7), There is ample
evidence of the disastrous results when the passion of
mere lust is surrendered to, both in the pagan world and
also at times in Christian people, often through the
work of false teachers who are corrupt in heart and
morals themselves.62 Hence Jesus' stress on the heart
as the source of wrong in this regard and its need to be
cleansed and renewed in the power of a different kind of
love (Mt. 12:33-35; 15:15-20; Jn. 3:3-6). Paul
recognises that the actual reason behind the pagan
world's surrender to licentiousness, lasciviousness and
uncleanness of every kind is that its members have
become callous or past feeling and even devoid of
natural affection. This is due to the inevitable
hardness of heart which overtakes people who have
turned away from their Creator as the goal of worship
and the source of true love, direction and understanding, and who in ignorance crave satisfaction from (and
so offer worship-like service to the creatures rather
than the Creator (Rom. 1:18-32; Eph. 4:17-19; Tit. 2:12;
3:3). Paul exhorts those who have put on the new man
in Jesus Christ to follow him and his Father in being
kind, tenderhearted and forgiving, to walk in selfgiving love, and hence to shun immorality and all
impurity (Eph. 4:20-24; 4:31-5:6; Col. 3:5-14). This
61.
62.
Nu. 5; Pr. 6:34-35; Gn. 34, 38, 39; 2 Sa. 13.
1 Cor. 5:lff.; 6:12ff.; 2 Pet, 2; Jude 4ff.;
Rev. 2:14, 20ff.
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is the background to his instructions to husbands and
wives in Ephesians and Colossians, and a similar
exhortation also follows immediately on Peter's
instructions to husbands and wives (Eph. 5:21-6:9;
Col. 3:18-4:1; 1 Pet. 3:1-7; cf. vv. 8ff.).
Peter and Paul also agree in mentioning 'honour' as
an important ingredient in the relationship between
husband and wife (as indeed between all Christian people
in their relationships to those around them), and the
author of Hebrews wants marriage 'held in honour' and
the marriage-bed undefiled (Eph. 5:21,33; 1 Pet. 2:17;
3:1-2,7; Heb. 13:4). The complete contrast between the
pagan world and the Christian way is nowhere presented
more clearly than by Paul in 1 Thessalonians 4, where
each Christian is told to 'possess his vessel (i.e.,
body) in holiness and honour, not in the passion of lust
like heathen who do not know God' (1 Thess. 4:1-8). The
concept of regarding and treating with honour, respect
and reverence is applied by NT writers to the human
body, to sexuality, to marriage itself, and to one's
marriage partner, whether wife or husband. The
importance of committed fidelity is emphasized just as
strongly as in the Old Testament by Jesus himself and
the NT writers, who firmly reject any easy-going attitude
to divorce whilst showing recognition of at least some
unbearable situations which may make the continuance of
a marriage impossible in practice (Mt. 5:31-32; 19:3-12;
1 Cor. 7:10-16, 39-40).
IV GENERAL BIBLICAL CONSIDERATIONS
A. Male headship
In both Testaments it is generally the man who is
the initiator and leader in the relationship and the
woman who is the responder, both in courtship and the
arranging of marriages and within the marriage relationship.63 A similar situation obtains in the relationship
63. There are exceptions (as with Naomi and Ruth
planning the approach to Boaz) but this is the
general position. The OT woman is always under the
authority and leadership of either a father or a
husband (see, e.g., Nu, 30 - the law on vows - if a
woman made one, either her father or her husband
could revoke it when he learned of it). The NT
position on marriage continues the headship of the
man.
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between God and Israel and between Christ and the
Church.64 This is doubtless accentuated by the place
and lifestyle of women in society then, but the instances
where a woman tried to initiate something in Scripture
are usually attempts to ensnare and inveigle the man, as
in the case of Potiphar's wife with Joseph, Delilah with
Samson, or the adulteress of Proverbs (Gn. 39:6ff.;
Jdg. 16:4ff.; Pr. 7:10-23). The headship of the man
grounded by Paul on Genesis 2 and 3 will no doubt
receive different forms of expression in different ages.
But it is seen in Scripture as part of woman's
protection and in the NT as a headship to be exercised
in love, as Christ loved the Church, rather than a
'lording it' over the wife (Eph. 5:25-33a; Col. 3:19).
If expressed thus, it need not and should not prevent,
but will rather foster, the intimate, devoted and
lifelong partnership of two equal persons made and
renewed in God's image as friends, lovers and parents,
which Scripture holds before us as God's ideal from
Genesis 2 onwards. (This is not of course to assert
that the actual exercise of male headship always
achieved this ideal in practice). It might also be
mentioned in passing that there are only very occasional
hints in Scripture65 that the quality of the love
between the parents in a marriage will have some
relevance to the relationship and healthy development of
the children as persons, but this is never made
explicit, despite Jesus' warnings on the value and
treatment of children.
B. The Kingdom Priority
We have observed three key ideas which control the
Bible's attitudes to romantic love and marriage:
creation (including its goodness and the concept of the
image of God); the Covenant of grace; and Calvary and
64.
65.
God's grace is always prior, and man (whether in
Israel or in the Church) is always the one who
responds to him who first loved as (cf. 1 Jn.
4:9-10,19).
E.g., in Pr. 30:23; Mal. 2:13-16; in the way that
parent/child instructions immediately follow
husband/wife teaching in Eph. 5 and Col. 3; and in
the general view of relationships as being all of a
piece (Godward and manward).
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the ἀγάπη love it reveals. A fourth must be brought in
to complete the picture, namely, the kingdom. For the
needs and demands of the kingdom of God take precedence
for its citizens over all other considerations, even in
the sphere of love and marriage, not merely in demanding
obedience to the moral law of God but also in the matter
οf one's vocation. Jesus, following the example of
prophets like Elijah, Jeremiah and John the Baptist,
renounced marriage for himself while showing his approval
of it in general.66 Some, he declared, become eunuchs i.e., renounce marriage - for the sake of the kingdom of
heaven (Mt. 19:10-12). Paul likewise envisaged some
Christians remaining single like himself for similar
reasons, others refusing to remarry, and married couples
sometimes abstaining from physical sexual relations for
the sake of a season of prayer. Yet he also recognised,
as Christ had before him, that a person had to be
equipped by God's gift and calling to remain single,
which state is everywhere seen as the exception rather
than the rule (1 Cor. 7:1-9, 25-28, 32-38, 40).67 Moreover,
just as the taking of foreign wives or marrying foreign
husbands outside the covenant was forbidden in the OT, so
Paul declares that under the new covenant the Christian
is free to marry 'only in the Lord'.68 Man and wife
living in love under his lordship enjoy a spiritual
fellowship or partnership together in his service (like
66.
By going to a wedding and its feast at Cana; by his
use of it as a picture of the kingdom of heaven; and
by his direct teaching on it (e.g., in Mk. 10:2-12).
67. Hebrew had no word for 'bachelor', although the
occasional single adult person is found in the OT.
The prophets also sometimes had to submit their
natural inclinations in marriage to the requirements
of the message they were charged to proclaim in the
name of Yahweh - witness the naming of Isaiah's
children (Is. 7:3; 8:1-4), or the forbidding of
Ezekiel to show grief over the death of his dearly
loved wife (Ezk. 24:15-27).
68. 1 Cor. 7:39; 2 Cor, 6:14ff. Cf. Ex. 34:11-16;
Dt. 7:3; Ne. 10:28-30; 13:23-27, on intermarriage
with the people of the land. But Dt. 21:10-14 was
the one concession made otherwise.
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Aquila and Priscilla), and are 'fellow-heirs of the grace
of life' (Acts 18:26 etc.; 1 Pet. 3:7). Further, while
the kingdom and love of God are eternal, marriage and
the romantic love which is peculiar to it are not
(Mt. 22:30).
C. Courtship
Courtship as such is not treated at great length in
Scripture, partly due to the arranged marriage system.
It gives the example of 'love at first sight' in the
case of Jacob for Rachel - a love which was willing to
serve seven years for the privilege of winning her as his
bride and which made those seven years seem only a few
days (Gn. 29:18-20). True love is prepared to be
patient in face of the promised joy. The Bible's simple
statement is 'Jacob loved Rachel' (Gn. 29:18). It never
uses our phrase 'falling in love', with its pagan
overtones, since to be in love is not a step down, let
alone a fall, in biblical terms. It is only indulgence
in lust and failure to love that are signs of fallenness. 'Jacob loved Rachel' is a happier statement than
Samson's about the Philistine woman he had seen: 'I saw
one of the daughters of the Philistines at Timnah; now
get her for me as my wife. . . for she pleases me well' - a
request persisted in despite his parents' godfearing(?)
protest at her not being one of his own people (Jdg.
14:1-3). The subsequent history seems to show that
parents often knew better than their headstrong young
offspring in those days too. The relationship was a
disaster from first to last (Jdg. 14:10-15:8). How
differently Jacob went about acquiring a wife from his
own kin, following his parents' suggestions: (Gn. 28:1-5;
29:15ff.). The story of Abraham's sending to find a
wife for Isaac in Genesis 24 is a fine picture of the
trust in the providence of the Lord shown by Abraham
and by his servant, who went about it in accordance with
their knowledge of God's will and with prayer, using an
intelligent test of character at the well. Isaac
probably accepted Rebekah the more immediately and
readily because the servant took care to tell him how it
all happened (Gn. 24:1-9, 12-15, 26-27, 40, 50-52, 66).
There is no detailed pattern for a modern courtship
here, but there are abiding principles of perspective,
motive, prayer and faith. The Song of Songs also shows
that the OT was well acquainted with the full range of
emotions aroused by courtship and the prospect of
entry into married love.
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Courtship is never directly treated in the NT, but
in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul gives instructions relating to
how one is to treat 'his virgin'. This is best
understood as addressed to fathers about a daughter
promised to a man in marriage or a daughter wanting to
marry. There is clear recognition here that an
inordinately long waiting period may put a severe strain
on the couple concerned, and that hence they should
marry, even though on other grounds Paul specially
commends the single state in the particular
circumstances of the time (1 Cor. 7:36-38).
Neither Testament lays down a set of pettifogging
rules as to how courtship is to be conducted, as to what
precisely may or may not go on in love-play and
endearments between husband and wife, or as to their
detailed role-assignments. Rather we find great abiding
principles with a few concrete examples from a
particular age and cultural context, leaving many of the
most intimate matters for lovers to discover and work
out together in marriage. With regard to courtship, the
most Scripture can do for a very different age and
cultural context like our own, with different marriage
customs and patterns of family life, is to hold before
us its examples of courtesy, patient restraint and the
proper and healthy perspectives of faith and love,
balanced by a realistic understanding of human nature,
both its needs and its weaknesses; secondly, to point up
the value and importance of the guidance and support of
the family and the wider community; thirdly, to hold up
the mirror of a different way of doing things to our own
age and society, to make us re-examine our customs,
warning us for instance that betrothal or engagement
should be seen as a very serious and deeply committing
step; and fourthly, to give us a far deeper controlling
concept of love as ἀγάπη to undergird all our
interpersonal relations.
V CONCLUSION
In seeking to review biblical attitudes towards
romantic love between the sexes, we have observed
various emphases, in some cases held side by side from
the earliest times (as in Genesis 1 and 2). We have
found now one aspect to the fore in relation to
marriage, now another (e.g., now joy in the goodness of
God's creation, now covenant faithfulness). We have
found various distortions and deviations practised by
men and women and have even sometimes questioned how far
cultural moulds allowed the fulfilment of some of the
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biblical ideals. Development there certainly was in
both the Old and the New Testament, particularly in the
light of salvation history. Yet in principle we find no
inherent contradiction between the different strands and
emphases encountered in the Bible. Rather it is a
question of a whole perspective emerging through
counter-balancing themes.
In Scripture God addresses himself to men and women
in the concrete relationships of life (as husbands/wives,
parents/children, etc.), in the world of reality, rather
than in some supposedly 'spiritual' relationship or in a
world of fantasy.69 The Bible, and God who speaks to
man through its words, is concerned with relationships
rather than with experiences for their own sake. In its
approach to romantic love, Scripture is at times
lyrically poetic yet always intensely practical. In a
world where confusion about romantic love is widespread,
God's word is a word of wholesomeness, balance, clarity
and perspective. Marriage has other ends in view
besides the interpersonal love and growth of the two
partners, but it includes this as a major part.
Romantic love is always to be directed towards marriage,
experienced in relation to it as its goal and focus,
and enjoyed to the full within it, in a committed
partnership of love, complementarity, mutual attraction,
delight, devotion, care, respect and fidelity. To look
in other directions for the enjoyment of romantic love
is to court harmful snares and delusions. Sexuality is
part of God's good creation, part of the personality of
man and woman made in his own image. It is to be
accepted as just that, happily, responsibly and
unashamedly, and is not to be made a subject either of
disdain or of obsessive fascination, so as to become
either despised or deified. Scripture dethrones and
purifies it by 'demythologizing' it and contextualizing
it properly, so that it is no longer either an allcommanding god to be worshipped or a maddening demon to
69. This is true in the OT (e.g., Deuteronomy) and NT
references given above. The only fantasy sanctioned
in Scripture is the dream of the young woman in the
Song of Solomon and her 'fancy', but this is in
relation to her real beloved, not an imaginary
relationship.
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be feared.70 It is to be enjoyed responsibly, but without losing the sense of innocent delight and play, lest it
become deadening by the very over-earnestness with which
it is approached. We notice, for instance, how Scripture
combines the encouragement of public modesty of
dress and behaviour with an emphasis on joyful and
uninhibited abandon to one another inside marriage. To
the theme of creation (its goodness, and divinely imaged
persons) are added those of covenant and faithful
devotion, the divine agape-love of Calvary which must
permeate, inspire and direct the whole of life, and the
call of the kingdom or rule of God in human life.
According to Scripture man learns and finds his true
fulfilment within the disciplined security of committed
relationship, not by experimenting without it. 'The
first principle of a Christian sex ethic is that this
side of life should be so ordered, disciplined and
released, that sexual love becomes a creative aspect of
the life of agape, the giving of each person in service
to God and neighbour'. This seems to be a true NT
emphasis. Man is called by God in Christ to a life of
agape in every dimension of living; sexuality,
friendship, marriage, and the natural relationships of
the family are some of the media or spheres of relationships within which the Christian is called to work this
out at all levels of his life and being. Agape is love
for persons at its truest, and it must be in control over
philia, storge and eros, when these are shorn of the
distortions inflicted on them by paganism. For they are
meant to be three God-given channels through which agape
will find expression in specific relationships of life.
Only in Christ does this now become a real possibility
for man. ‘(Human) sexuality is a dimension of personal
existence within which the meaning of love is to be
learned, and in which love between persons reaches a
depth, intimacy and creativity of expression which is
incomparable with most other loves.’71 The Bible is
70.
71.
C. S. Lewis wrote: 'In ancient literature, love
seldom rises above merry sensuality or domestic
comfort, except to be treated as tragic madness, an
ἄτη which plunges otherwise sane people into crime
and disgrace' (Allegory 4).
Williams, Love 235 and 236.
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clear that a marriage fired by truly agape-inspired
romantic love is the proper and only adequate framework
for this learning to be worked out to the full between
man and woman, a love relationship which displays the
renewing of God's image through a holy love which is
from him, through him, and ultimately to his glory as
man's creator and redeemer.