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Wordiness
Wordiness dampens style; it dehydrates voice. Though we tend naturally toward
wordiness—toward needless repetition, unnecessary overuse of the verb “to be,”
deadening dependence on academic clichés—we need to learn its place: mainly in
speaking, and mainly, as a rhetorical device that gives us time to think when we speak
extemporaneously. In writing, we can rid ourselves of it without any significant loss in
meaning.
Wordiness in Transitions
The first and easiest type of wordiness one can eliminate from his writing is the
transitional sentence that announces itself. One example of this type is the previous
sentence. Another example is the immediately preceding sentence. Wow. Make me
stop! Instead of announcing with introductory remarks like “One example” or “A second
type” or “Another reason” or “The reason” or “A fourth way” or “The most important
thing to remember” or The final aspect,” use simpler terms: “First,…” or “Secondly,…”
or “Further,…” or “Also,…” or “Most importantly,…” or “Most remarkably,…” or
“Finally,…” suffice to make an expository transition without stretching the paper into
oblivion. For in-class assignments, you don’t have time for the stretching unless you do
not know anything about your topic. If you do not know anything about your topic, you
probably have to use these stretchers, right? Anyway, after you master the above
alternatives to the transitional sentence that announces itself, try noticing the use of the
following, more advanced transitions in professional writing:
Moreover
Therefore
Again
Subsequently
Likewise
Afterward
In fact
Conversely
Finally, begin to think about real writing, and eliminate most of the above devices, in
favor of an essay movement based on logic. Look at these examples of transitional
sentences from the pros:
But Banquo cannot fathom this possibility.
I agree.
Some say that the Afghans should rise up and overthrow the Taliban.
Undoubtedly, Macbeth paid very dearly for this decision.
This competition occasionally verges on war.
But the quest to accumulate in the Madoff style can endanger a person spiritually.
But what if schools paid teachers based solely on their test results?
Returning fifty weeks later to the scene named in Theseus’s edict, Arcite now…
If this latter argument stands, Chaucer’s depiction of the knight…
Of the two remaining tales, The Pardoner’s embeds a sermon on avarice into a…
For Joyce this problem resolves itself in the characterization of Stephen’s father.
Clearly, You can rid yourself of the transitional sentence that announces itself. In so
doing, you rid yourself of a nagging wordiness in your styling.
Redundant Expressions
Often, we use redundant words, phrases, and even whole sentences that we have
memorized subconsciously in lieu of thinking about what we really mean. Some of these
can be chalked up to trite expressions that our parents and teachers saturate us with from
birth. Other redundant expressions, however, deserve our attention and, ultimately,
annihilation. These tend to hinder our style from developing, much in the same way that
wordy transitions hinder our style. Consider the following:
We find the sadness of Stephen’s life when his father’s loss of work occurs.
The loss that Macbeth feels when his wife dies seems to be ineffable.
The author uses diction to interest the reader.
The narrator is able to demonstrate the happiness that the two characters feel.
It is the main character who dies in the end.
We learn how fortunate it is that the main character abstains from revenge.
They sound fine, right? But now look at the same sentences, recast without the
redundancies:
We find the sadness of Stephen’s life when his father loses his job.
The loss that Macbeth feels when his wife dies seems ineffable.
The author’s diction interests the reader.
The narrator demonstrates the happiness the two characters feel.
The main character dies at the end.
Fortunately, the main character abstains from revenge.
In other words, we eliminate needless repetitions from our writing, and our sentences
come more clearly into focus. The actual verbs reappear in our sentences.
For right now, then, let’s pay attention to the following expressions—below and ant the
top of the next page—in our essays:
The word “occurs”
The expression “to be”
The word “uses” in reference to stylistic elements you are analyzing
The expression “is able to”
The expression “It is” or “There is” or “There are” as a sentence beginning
The expression “how…is” or “what…is” in the middle of a sentence
If you can eliminate expressions like these from your essays, you very likely will begin
examining your sentences more closely for the wording you actually intended. Take one
more look at the above sentences, recast for a second time now that they have lost some
of their “baggage”:
Once Stephen’s father loses his job, Stephen’s sadness changes him into an
independent young man.
Macbeth’s ineffable loss affects his concentration on the battle at hand. (Note here
that the original sentence apparently did little more than mention loss. In its new
form it combines with some other sentences of the essay, and it means more.)
The author’s abstract diction evokes a sense of mystery. (See above note.)
Their happiness stands solidly against the social norms of the time. (Again.)
The main character’s death… (And again.)
Fortunately, his refusal to avenge her death clarifies his love for her and sets him
apart from other men.
If you can pay attention to these expressions, you will begin to see how often you merely
describe something instead of asserting something. You say, “The character is a man
who is good,” instead of asserting that “The good man realizes that he truly loves the old
hag.” You will find that your writing style often reflects a thought process much less
mature and intellectually astute than your “talking style.” You want to make that writing
style more accurately reflect your wit, your acuteness, your humor, your sarcasm, your
analytical skills, your evaluative prowess, your fears, your dreams, your plastic spoons,
your—ok, I guess that’s enough.
Passive Voice
Passive voice—the voice that buries the subject of a normal sentence—is used when one
wishes to be considered in an impersonal light, when a character is described from a
historical viewpoint, or when a person is legally prevented from revealing sources. The
above sentence exemplifies the passive voice by definition; however, in your formal
writing between now and the end of your academic career, you want to stay active and
assertive for the most part, talking personally, about subjects that affect you now, without
regard for someone’s legal response to your opinion. The verb “to be” makes up the
passive voice construction, so when you rid yourself of the construction, you rid yourself
of the remaining “to be” verbs that have cluttered your writing lately. Look at the
following “usual suspects” from typical AP essays:
The character is presented as a man who is regarded by many as the devil himself.
Oxymoron is used to focus the reader’s attention on the “rubbish” in the judge’s
life.
We are given a portrait of a character in trouble.
This is seen when the author refers to the better aspects of his character.
Pyncheon is characterized as an ideal man who has been affected by many
difficulties.
This opinion is reflected in the character’s actions, if not his words.
In all of these sentences, the authors use passive voice for no real reason. They don’t
need an impersonal feel to succeed; they are not historical portraits; and they are not
dangerous sentences legally. So how do we change the sentences more aptly to reflect
the authors’ voices? Let’s start with basics. The basic English sentence uses active
voice, in a subject/verb/object (svo) pattern:
Higgs (s) hit (v) Balkcom (o).
We use passive voice to put the receiver of the action up front in the sentence, for some
reason:
Balkcom was hit by Speedy.
For legal purposes, we hide the subject totally from the jury’s view:
Balkcom was hit.
Funny, eh? So to correct the passive voice constructions, we need to find a subject in the
sentence, whether or not it’s actually there in the original construction. Find the subject,
realize the beauty of a real verb heretofore hidden from view, and change the sentence to
active voice:
Hawthorne presents the character many regard as the devil himself.
The character’s “splendid rubbish” focuses the reader on the judge’s weaknesses.
The narrator portrays a troubled character.
We see this when the author refers to the better characteristics of the judge.
Hawthorne characterizes Pyncheon as a…
The characters actions, if not his words, reflect this opinion.
Notice that, in each of these examples, the corrected version of the sentence contains no
verb “to be.” Note also that the sentence is clearer than its original, and that it more
frugally expresses a simple opinion about the essay’s subject. Amazing.
Try it yourself in the weeks to come. You have three basic caveats on wordiness:
1. verbs “to be” brought about by lengthy transitional expressions;
2. verbs “to be” created when you merely describe a person or a
characteristic rather than asserting something about that person or
characteristic; and, here,
3. verbs “to be” brought about by passive voice constructions.
For your research paper especially down the road, let’s see if we can get rid of some
wordiness NOW.