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Self-Study Guide
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Courseware Version: 3.0
TABLE OF CONTENTS
How to Use This Guide ............................................................................................................1
Session One: Course Overview ................................................................................................2
Session Two: Defining Active Listening .....................................................................................6
What is Active Listening? ...................................................................................................................... 6
Identifying Good Listeners .................................................................................................................... 8
Tips for Becoming a Better Listener ...................................................................................................... 9
Pre-Assignment Review ...................................................................................................................... 10
Session Three: Body Language Basics .................................................................................... 11
Session Four: Attitude is Everything! ...................................................................................... 13
Understanding Sympathy and Empathy ............................................................................................. 13
Creating the Right Mindset ................................................................................................................. 15
Being Genuine ..................................................................................................................................... 17
Making Connections ........................................................................................................................... 18
Session Five: Encouraging Conversation ................................................................................. 19
What Is Said and What Is Heard ......................................................................................................... 19
Asking Questions ................................................................................................................................. 22
Probing Techniques............................................................................................................................. 23
Paraphrasing Techniques .................................................................................................................... 24
Session Six: Building Relationships ......................................................................................... 25
Building Common Ground................................................................................................................... 25
NLP Tips and Tricks ............................................................................................................................. 27
Session Seven: Getting Over Listening Roadblocks .................................................................. 29
Recommended Reading List ................................................................................................... 32
Post-Course Assessment ........................................................................................................ 33
Pre- and Post-Assessment Answer Keys .................................................................................. 34
Personal Action Plan .............................................................................................................. 35
Active Listening
How to Use This Guide
This Self-Study Guide is designed and laid out in a way that will guide student learning much in
the same way that an instructor would. This workbook is comprised of modules called Sessions.
Each Session focuses on a major concept in the course.
In each Session, we have included short-answer and (in some instances) multiple-choice
questions which relate directly to the session material. Throughout the guide, you can take the
opportunity to internalize what you have learned by completing various self-reflection
exercises.
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Session One: Course Overview
Course Overview
Communication skills are at the heart of everything we do each day, whether at home, at work,
or at play. Active listening encompasses the best of communication, including listening to what
others are saying, processing the information, and responding to it in order to clarify and elicit
more information. This course will help participants develop and practice their active listening
skills.
Learning Objectives
After you complete this course, you will be able to:
o Define active listening and its key components
o Identify ways to become a better listener
o Use body language to reflect a positive listening attitude
o Understand the difference between sympathy and empathy, and when each is
appropriate
o Create a listening mindset using framing, positive intent, and focus
o Be genuine in your communications
o Understand the communication process
o Ask questions, probe for information, and use paraphrasing techniques
o Build relationships to create an authentic communication experience
o Identify common listening problems and solutions
Why did you take this course? Use this opportunity to consider your personal learning
objectives and reasons for taking this course.
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Pre-Assignment
Instructions
Before the course, please complete this assessment. For each question below, indicate whether
you never, sometimes, often, or always do that activity.
Active Listening Inventory
Statement
I enjoy listening to others.
I multi-task, like organizing my e-mail while I am
talking on the phone.
I find listening to other people interesting.
When I am listening to other people, I focus on what
they are saying, rather than thinking about what I
want to say.
I interrupt others when they are speaking.
When possible, I watch the other person’s body
language.
When possible, I indicate that I am listening through
body language (nodding my head, leaning in, etc.).
I try to put myself in the other person’s shoes.
People often come to me for advice and help.
When someone is speaking, I know what they are
going to say.
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Never Sometimes Often Always
Active Listening
Pre-Course Assessment
1. In face-to-face communication about emotions, what percentage of our message is
conveyed by our words?
a. 7%
b. 30%
c. 80%
2. Which of these questions is not an open question?
a. How do you feel about that?
b. What is your opinion?
c. Do you like pizza?
d. What happened next?
3. Which of the following elements does body language encompass?
a. Posture
b. Facial expressions
c. Gestures
d. All of the above
4. True or False: Active listening is not the same as hearing.
5. True or False: Sympathy and empathy are the same thing.
6. True or False: When you are listening to another person speak, don’t worry about
giving them your undivided attention.
7. True or False: Listening to someone and empathizing does not mean that you have to
agree with everything that they say.
8. What is the average speed that people listen at?
a. 50 words per minute
b. 100 words per minute
c. 150 words per minute
d. 200 words per minute
9. What problems can we encounter when listening?
a. Focusing on what we want to say rather than what the other person is saying
b. Trying to do other things at the same time and missing the message
c. Interrupting the speaker and ruining the conversation
d. All of the above
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10. What is paraphrasing?
a. Repeating what someone just said word for word
b. Mimicking someone’s voice
c. Putting someone’s statements into your own words
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Session Two: Defining Active Listening
The term “active listening” was first described in a 1957 article of the same name by Carl Rogers
and Richard Farson. Are you familiar with the term and what it means?
In this session, we’ll explore what active listening is all about. We’ll also encourage you to think
about some good listeners in your life, as well as where you are with active listening.
What is Active Listening?
Active listening means that we try to understand things from the speaker’s point of view. It
includes letting the speaker know that we are listening and that we have understood what was
said. This is not the same as hearing, which is a physical process, where sound enters the
eardrum and messages are passed to the brain. Active listening can be described as an attitude
that leads to listening for shared understanding.
When we make a decision to listen for total meaning, we listen for the content of what is being
said as well as the attitude behind what is being said. Is the speaker happy, angry, excited,
sad…or something else entirely?
Responding to Feelings
The content (the words spoken) is one thing, but the way that people feel really gives full value
to the message. Responding to the speaker’s feelings adds an extra dimension of listening. Are
they disgusted and angry or in love and excited? Perhaps they are ambivalent! These are all
feelings that you can reply to in your part of the conversation.
Reading Cues
Active listening means that we are also very conscious of the non-verbal aspects of the
conversation.
o What are the speaker’s facial expressions, hand gestures, and posture telling us?
o Is their voice loud or shaky?
o Are they stressing certain points?
o Are they mumbling or having difficulty finding the words they want to say?
o Does their body language indicate that they are uncomfortable or feeling like their
message is not being heard?
Active listeners watch for these cues and adjust their approach accordingly. Sometimes just
taking one step back, or ceasing talking and getting the other person to talk to you instead, will
be all it takes to ease the tension.
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Demonstrating Listening
When you are listening to someone, these techniques will show a speaker that you are paying
attention, providing you are genuine in using them.
Physical indicators include making eye contact, nodding your head from time to time, and
leaning into the conversation.
You can also give verbal cues or use phrases such as “Uh-huh,” “Go on,” “Really!” and, “Then
what?”
You can ask questions for clarification or use summarizing statements. Examples:
o “Do you mean they were charging $4.00 for just a cup of coffee?”
o “So after you got a cab, got to the store, and found the right sales clerk, what
happened then?”
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Identifying Good Listeners
Write down the names of three people that you consider good listeners.
Do any of the three people fit into one of these categories?
Name of Person
Someone That You
Like
Someone That You
Love
Someone That You
Respect
If you wish to be liked, loved, or respected, how is it that you need to behave?
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Tips for Becoming a Better Listener
Review the list of listening tips below. Then, rank the list from one to seven, with one
representing the least useful tip and seven representing the least useful tip.
Active Listening Tip
Make a decision to listen. Close your mind to clutter and noise and look at the
person speaking with you. Give them your undivided attention.
Don’t interrupt people. Make it a habit to let them finish what they are saying.
Respect that they have thoughts they are processing and speaking about, and wait to
ask questions or make comments until they have finished.
Keep your eyes focused on the speaker and your ears tuned to their voice. Don’t let
your eyes wander around the room, just in case your attention does too.
Carry a notebook or start a conversation file on your computer. Write down all the
discussions that you have in a day. Capture the subject, who spoke more (were you
listening or doing a lot of the talking?), what you learned in the discussion, as well as
the who, what, when, where, why, and how aspects of it. Once you have conducted
this exercise eight to ten times, you will be able to see at what level your listening
skills are.
Don’t be afraid to ask the other person what they want from the conversation. Are
they looking for advice, validation, an opinion, or just an opportunity to vent?
Knowing what they want will help you structure your listening approach to effectively
communicate with them.
Ask a few questions throughout the conversation. When you ask, people will know
that you are listening to then, and that you are interested in what they have to say.
Your ability to summarize and paraphrase will also demonstrate that you heard them.
When you demonstrate good listening skills, they tend to be infectious. If you want
others to communicate well, you have to set a high example.
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Rating
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Pre-Assignment Review
Based on this inventory, where do you think you are strongest in terms of active listening?
Based on this inventory, where do you think you are weakest in terms of active listening?
What is one thing that you could do to improve your listening skills?
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Session Three: Body Language Basics
Our bodies can convey messages that either support or contradict what we are saying with our
words. We can also use body language to help us understand what others are trying to say.
In this session, we’ll explore the basics of body language and how it relates to active listening.
Silent Messages
When you are listening to others, it’s important that you pay attention to what your body is
saying and ensure that it reflects a positive listening attitude. Do you lean forward slightly to
indicate that you are listening? Do you avoid the temptation to roll your eyes or make other
negative gestures?
In significant (though often misinterpreted) research, Albert Mehrabian found that when it
came to discussing emotions, only 7% of the speaker’s message was communicated by words,
and that tone of voice was responsible for about 38% of the meaning and body language about
55%. This means that the words themselves played only a very small part in conveying meaning.
In other conversations (not the ones about emotions), we know that tone of voice and body
language have a large impact on those messages, too.
(Source: Silent Messages by Albert Mehrabian)
Making Connections
List some examples of what positive body language looks like.
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What are some things that might ruin a conversation that is proceeding nicely?
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Session Four: Attitude is Everything!
A positive mindset is a crucial part of active listening. If you pretend to be listening, but are
secretly thinking, “Wow, she’s not handling this very well!” your attitude can seep through and
ruin the conversation.
In this session¸ you will learn some key attitudes that can help your active listening skills,
including sympathy, empathy, positive intent, frame of reference, reframing, and being
genuine.
Understanding Sympathy and Empathy
As active listeners, we want to show others that we are listening while they are speaking. In the
last session, we talked about how our body language can help (or hinder) us in sending the right
message. Our attitude is another important part of a positive listening attitude.
It’s important to show respect and empathy while the other person is speaking. Empathy
means understanding the other person’s feelings and recognizing what those feelings mean,
including their context. (Have you ever heard the metaphor that in order to understand
someone fully, you need to walk a mile in their shoes?)
Empathy is different from sympathy, which means feeling sorrow or pity for someone. While in
some situations sympathy is appropriate (for example, when someone is discussing the loss of a
loved one), it can often mean that you are judging the other person, which interferes with
receiving the listener’s message.
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Active Listening
So how can we show empathy to others? Try to:
o Practice good listening skills, like focusing 100% on the other person and showing
interest through your body language.
o Use open questions rather than closed questions or statements. For example,
instead of saying, “That must make you feel really sad,” try asking, “How did that
make you feel?”
o If appropriate and true, agree with what the other person is saying. For example,
you might say, “I can understand why you would feel hurt.”
o If you can’t agree with what they are saying, or understand where they are coming
from, try to validate their statement with a response like, “I am sure that others
would feel the same way.”
o Let them know that you support them. Ask how you can help them or what they
would like you to do. If they just want you to listen, respect their wishes and refrain
from giving them advice.
o If appropriate and true, offer encouragement. Telling someone that they are
handling a difficult situation well shows them that you are on their side.
o Avoid saying, “I know exactly how you feel.” A more appropriate way to express this
feeling might be to say, “I can empathize with how difficult it is to lose someone. My
mother passed away just last month.”
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Active Listening
Creating the Right Mindset
Establishing Your Frame of Reference
A frame of reference is a way in which we judge other people. We all make judgments about
people but in order to really get the meaning of what’s going on, we need to be able to suspend
those judgments and let meanings come to us unfettered. A listener’s ability to suspend their
frame of reference is a critical and important skill because it can build their credibility and make
them a more effective communicator.
Your frame of reference is made up of your beliefs, assumptions, values, feeling, judgments,
emotions, advice, moods, thoughts, biases, and stress levels at any given moment. Because
your frame of reference is so personal and so deeply embedded, it is very difficult to practice
suspending it on a regular basis. We all often interpret reality from our own vantage point and
react in a self-serving manner.
Reframing the Situation
We have to learn to take others’ points of view and feelings, as well as our own, into
consideration. This is what we refer to as reframing: seeing things from a different point of
view.
How can we do this? Try to:
o Put others before yourself
o Check things out before jumping to conclusions, making assumptions, or reacting
emotionally
o Give others the benefit of the doubt
Suspension of belief is especially appropriate when others need to be understood in order for
their tension or stress to be defused.
Establishing Positive Intent
When you are listening to others, it’s always best to do so with what we call positive intent.
Positive intent includes the idea that you have good reason for what you are saying and doing,
and so do other people. This can help you suspend judgment, listen fairly, and get the real
meaning behind the message that you’re hearing. In order to demonstrate your positive intent,
avoid making negative assumptions and statements, and focus on the future instead of the
past.
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Another aspect of positive intent, which also relates to reframing, is to accept that not
everyone is like you. People have strengths, and they also have limitations. Using empathy to
connect with others can help you see the situation from their point of view and suspend
judgment.
Maintaining Focus
In today’s fast-paced world, it can be hard to give someone our undivided attention. Luckily,
active listening techniques can help us develop our focus.
To help you maintain your focus, use paraphrasing techniques and probing. These tools will
also help you make sure that you’re understanding the speaker correctly and receiving the
intended message.
In addition, when someone is speaking to you, make a point of focusing on what they are
saying. Ask questions to make sure that they know you are listening and to keep you engaged.
If possible, turn away from distractions like telephones and computer screens. You may even
want to put your cell phone on vibrate and stow it in your purse, pocket, or briefcase.
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Being Genuine
Being genuine is an essential part of active listening, authentic relationships, and good
communication. Genuine is being real; not pretending to be someone or something else. For
example, although it’s important to try to empathize with others, sometimes you just won’t get
where people are coming from. If you agree with everything that they say, and it’s clear that
you don’t actually feel that way, your credibility will be lost and your relationship with the other
person will be damaged.
So how do you be genuine while being tactful and respectful? One easy technique is to frame
validation statements in a general way. Instead of saying, “I can see where you’re coming
from,” you might say, “I’m sure a lot of people would feel the same way.” With a general
statement, you’re providing support and empathy without compromising your position on the
issue.
Your strategy also depends on your relationship with the other person. If the person who is
speaking is a close friend, you can be a bit more challenging and direct than you would be with
an acquaintance. For example, let’s say that you are listening to someone talk about how they
were disciplined at work for handing in an incomplete report. The fault is on everyone else: the
accounting person who was late delivering the figures, the manager who didn’t give them
enough time, and even their slow, outdated computer.
If this person is a colleague whom you are not close with, your best approach may be to use
active listening techniques and general validation statements. If it is someone that you are close
with, you may want to ask challenging questions and encourage them to think about their role
in the situation. Remember, we described active listening as an attitude that leads to listening
for shared understanding. Gently challenging the speaker can lead to a deeper, more thoughtprovoking discussion – if that is what the speaker is looking for.
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Making Connections
Choose one of the situations below.
o Your best friend has been in a relationship for five years. This relationship has been
on and off, with a lot of ugly fights and dramatic behavior, but neither person wants
to end the relationship. Your friend is now knocking on your door after the latest
argument. Your friend is quite upset.
o You are part of a team of four people. Your newest member, Riley, is a superstar.
She has exceeded all of her goals and even picked up some extra work for other
team members. However, Riley has just received a poor performance review and is
looking for advice.
o A customer calls you with a complaint about the VacuuBot 3000. The product is
supposed to have an eight-hour battery life but the customer is only getting four
hours from each charge.
How might you demonstrate active listening in that situation?
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Session Five: Encouraging Conversation
Part of active listening is encouraging others to speak and getting to the real message. It’s also
about understanding hidden messages that might lie behind the words.
In this session, you will learn how to take a conversation to a deeper level by asking questions,
probing, and paraphrasing.
What Is Said and What Is Heard
The Communication Process
Often, what the listener is saying isn’t what we hear. Messages go through a complicated
system of filters and outside influences.
As active listeners, we need to understand these possible influences, and to account for them.
The Ladder of Inference
One common and dangerous trap is what Chris Argyris calls a ladder of inference: a common
mental pathway of increasing abstraction that often leads to assumptions and misguided
beliefs.
For example, let’s say that you are giving a presentation to your company’s senior
management. One manager (we’ll call him Stephen) is checking his BlackBerry, answering
messages, and clearly disengaged from your work. At the end of your comprehensive
presentation, his only comment is to ask you for more detailed information, in a report sent via
e-mail.
You know that if you do prepare that information, it’s unlikely that Stephen will read it. Plus, all
the details are in your presentation. As you start brooding over this, you remind yourself that
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Stephen has never shown any respect for you and that he did not want to hire you for this
team. Clearly, Stephen doesn’t know what he is doing, and by the time you take your seat at
the table, you are thinking about Stephen as a big jerk. You’ve also decided you are not going to
create a special report for him; you’ll just send him a summary of your presentation, because
he won’t read it anyways.
In those few seconds before you take your seat, you have climbed all the way up the ladder!
You did start out with observable data (Stephen is at the presentation), and then added his
behavior (distracted by his BlackBerry and answering messages). But then you added some
meaning of your own: that Stephen doesn’t respect you and didn’t want to hire you. Finally,
you label Stephen as a jerk.
This process tends to take place very quickly, and most people aren’t even aware that they
climb the rungs of this ladder in their head. The only visible parts for anyone else are the
observable events at the bottom of the ladder and anything that you demonstrate at the top,
where you’ve made your decision about what to do. The discussion going on inside your mind
(which you probably can’t or won’t verbalize) and your journey up the rungs of the ladder are
not visible to anyone else.
We can climb these ladders of inference very easily. The more I believe that Stephen does not
support me, the more likely it is that I am going to notice his unsupportive behavior in the
future. This becomes a reflexive loop, where my beliefs will influence the data I am going to
select the next time I see Stephen.
There is naturally also a reflexive loop here for Stephen, where he will react to my antagonism.
He is quite likely working on some rungs on his own ladder, and before long, we could find it
impossible to work together.
So how do we try to step off of the ladder? To start, consider that what you witnessed in the
meeting was Stephen dealing with something else. Perhaps he was bored or distracted, or
perhaps he was checking his BlackBerry because of an emergency he had to deal with. Maybe
he was interested in your presentation, but the fact that you didn’t print a copy off for
everyone led to his request for something that he could look back on and refer to.
As a professional, it might have been best for you to find out if there really is a problem that
you and Stephen need to work out. What would happen if you asked him about the meeting?
What if you asked him for some feedback on your work and the efforts that you are putting in
to your projects? Would you hear his answer?
Reflection: Using Your Own Experiences as a Resource
You can learn a great deal by increasing your awareness and giving some thought to situations
where you are on both ends of the communication spectrum (as a communicator and as a
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listener). Try writing out an exchange with a co-worker, a troubling event, or even the scenario
with Stephen above. Then, set it aside for a week before you look at it. This will give you the
time and distance needed to review it clearly.
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Asking Questions
Active listening is a two-way communication process. Knowing what questions to ask, and how
to ask them, is an essential skill for an active listener.
Closed questions can be answered with a single word or two or a simple yes or no. They can
begin the closing process in a conversation, or provide confirmation of a detail, but they don’t
usually lead to gathering more information. Where most people need more practice is asking
the open question, where the listener is given a chance to explain, describe how they feel
about an issue, or offer suggestions.
Open questions give us more information because:
o They encourage other people to talk
o We get opinions and ideas from others
o They can help us determine if people have interpreted what we say correctly
o They can help us arrive at consensus much more readily
Open questions typically begin with a variation of the five W’s (who, what, when, where, why)
or ask how. Good open questions include:
o “What is your opinion?”
o “How do you think we should solve the problem?”
o “What would you do in my shoes?”
o “Tell me more about…”
Note: Be very careful about “why” questions. All too often these questions sound like
accusations, and the listener immediately becomes defensive.
Some other good questions can include:
o What happened next?
o What do you think we can do about this?
o What would you like me to stop doing?
o What can I do to help you?
o Supposing we were to…?
o Can you help me understand where you’re coming from?
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Probing Techniques
Many people are better at presenting their own point of view than they are at drawing out
information from others. Probing techniques can help you draw out information from the
individual and help you understand their side of the conversation.
One of the most common ways of probing is to ask an open question, such as:
o “Can you describe that more clearly?”
o “Would you give me a specific example of what you mean?”
o “What do you think we should do?”
The difficulty here is that if you ask too many of these probing questions, the other person
begins to feel like they are under interrogation. Be thoughtful about what and how you ask.
Consider how many probes you really need to offer.
A second, very effective way of probing is a pause. Stop talking. Let the other person fill the
silence.
A third way is to ask a reflective, echoing, or mirroring question. For example, let’s say the
person has just said, “What I really want is fairer vacation policies.” You may respond by just
reflecting back to them, “Fairer?” The reflective question usually provides you with an
expanded answer without you needing to ask more questions. Of course, it is best used in
conjunction with a pause.
A fourth method that is particularly useful to make certain you are clear about what the
individual has said is paraphrasing what has just been said, in your own words. (We’ll discuss
paraphrasing more in the next session.)
The last method, most often used as a conversation is winding down, is the summary question.
Example: “You have tried ignoring the scent of your colleague’s cologne, you have talked with
him about how it affects your allergies, and you have tried shutting your door to keep the scent
from your workspace. None of these has worked and now you are asking me to intervene. Have
I got it right?”
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Paraphrasing Techniques
What is Paraphrasing?
Paraphrasing techniques can help you ensure that you’re getting the speaker’s message
accurately and completely. Paraphrasing can also help build the relationship, since it shows the
sender that you are trying to understand what they are saying.
Paraphrasing is not:
o Repeating everything that the person says
o Acting like a parrot and repeating everything verbatim
o An opportunity to express judgment (by speaking in a sarcastic tone, for example)
To paraphrase well, you should:
o Paraphrase only when you need clarification or confirmation
o Put the statement in your own words, rather than using the speaker’s words
o Use introductory statements like, “Do you mean…” or, “What I’m hearing is…”
o Refrain from making judgments, injecting your own thoughts, and offering your
opinion
Echoing Techniques
Another excellent technique is echoing, also known as reflective or mirroring questions. (We
discussed these types of questions briefly in the last session.) With this technique, you choose a
word (or several words) from the person’s statement and repeat it. You can also use stems like:
o Really?
o Is it/are they?
o About…?
o What did she do?
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Session Six: Building Relationships
A meaningful conversation and a true active listening experience requires some type of
relationship between the listener and the speaker. Trust and respect are important elements of
the equation, too.
In this session, you will learn what rapport is, how to build it, and how to establish common
ground. You will also get an introduction to neuro linguistic programming and explore how its
principles can help us build deeper relationships.
Building Common Ground
Setting the Stage
It can be difficult to have a meaningful conversation without a sense of mutual trust, respect,
and an understanding of the relationship between the speaker and the listener. Understanding
what rapport is, and how to create it, is the first step to creating an authentic conversation.
About Rapport
Rapport has been defined as a sense of mutual understanding, respect, and friendliness. It is
the presence of a co-operative relationship based on trust and honesty.
Rapport means showing someone that you understand and respect them as a human being and
that you support them. This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with everything that they say,
but you can understand where they are coming from and why they believe in particular things.
It is important to understand when it is appropriate to create rapport and how deeply you want
it to go. Let’s say that you are a telephone customer service representative. You probably want
to create a good rapport to help the customer solve their problem, but since your interaction
will be short, you don’t need to get to a deeply personal level. And, if you are negotiating, you
might need to break rapport in order to make the best decision.
Finding Common Ground
Whether you are in a customer service role or a manager about to have a conversation with
one of your staff, finding common ground helps to establish rapport. Some of us really struggle
with small talk, but you will find that it is a helpful skill in finding common ground – something
you share with the other person.
In the customer example, if they call to tell you that a product has broken and they are
frustrated, simply saying, “I understand. I don’t like it when things break either. It’s really
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annoying. Let me see how I can help you,” lets the person know that you get frustrated when
things are broken. If you went to the same school, both love animals, or have the same favorite
restaurant, these things help to establish common ground and provide a starting place for
further conversations.
Using Humor
A funny anecdote or a joke can ease tensions, especially if the person is having difficulty
expressing themselves. As well, shared laughter can go a long way towards building common
ground. However, be sensitive when trying to lighten the mood. Never make fun of someone’s
problems or feelings. If you’re second-guessing whether to tell a joke, you should probably
keep it to yourself.
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NLP Tips and Tricks
Neuro linguistic programming (NLP) concepts can help sensitize us to the speaker’s state and
build deeper relationships. NLP suggests that rather than simply making assumptions based on
body language, we can use body language as cues to help us adjust our behavior to better
connect with others and understand their thinking processes.
Let’s look at some different states of mind and how we might recognize them.
Associated or Dissociated
Is the person you are communicating with involved in the conversation or somewhere else? Do
they see themselves from an internal perspective or as if they were outside themselves?
People who are associated (tuned into things):
o Usually lean forward
o Are often animated, using gestures and imagery
o Might include more emotions in the conversation
People who are dissociated (tuned out of themselves or the conversation):
o Usually lean backwards
o Use fewer gestures and practical language
o Often have a more objective approach
Both of these states can be useful. If you are facilitating mediation between team staff
members who are arguing, and where you must be neutral, a dissociated state might be useful.
However, if you’re actively listening to someone explain a problem, then an associated state
will be more appropriate.
Towards or Away From
This state reflects whether we are looking towards what we want to achieve, or away from the
goal and at a problem that we are facing. In the Away From state, we are often tense and
negative, thinking of the challenges that we are facing. In a Towards state, people are typically
more relaxed with positive body language.
Match/Mismatch
We all have a natural tendency towards antagonism or co-operation and friendliness. Those
who naturally match the environment around them can also often easily create rapport. They
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might naturally fall into the same body language patterns as the person that they are
communicating with. They almost always try to build up and support people.
People who try to find the differences in others usually fall into body language and speech
patterns that are opposite of the person that they are communicating with. They might use
expressions like:
o At odds with
o On the other hand
o Devil’s advocate
This is referred to as a mismatch state.
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Session Seven: Getting Over Listening Roadblocks
Active listening sounds pretty simple on paper, and its core techniques are indeed easy to do.
However, there are many things that can get between the listener and the speaker.
In this session, you will consider some common problems that active listeners encounter and
how we can prevent and resolve them.
Problems and Solutions
On paper, active listening sounds quite simple. Give the speaker your undivided attention; use
body language, cues, and questions to show that you are listening; and confirm understanding
through additional questions, paraphrasing, echoing, and probing.
However, plenty of things can get in the way of active listening. Distractions, our mind
wandering, the speaker getting off track, and our own judgments can interfere with the
message that the speaker is sending and our active listening efforts.
Making Connections
For each problem listed below, outline some solutions.
You get distracted during the conversation and start doing other things.
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Your mind wanders and you realize you’ve missed everything that the other person has said.
You start judging the person and evaluating what they are saying.
You interrupt the speaker and offer your opinion or advice.
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The speaker goes off on a tangent and you don’t understand the point they are making.
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Recommended Reading List
If you are looking for further information on this topic, we have included a recommended
reading list below.
Bowden, Mark. Winning Body Language: Control the Conversation, Command Attention, and
Convey the Right Message without Saying a Word. McGraw-Hill, 2010.
Burley-Allen, Madelyn. Listening: The Forgotten Skill (2nd Edition). Wiley, 1995.
Davis, Martha, Patrick Fanning, and McKay Matthew. Messages: The Communication Skills Book
(3rd Edition). New Harbinger Publications, 2009.
Farson, Richard, and Carl Rogers. "Active Listening." Communication in Business Today, 1957.
Hamilton, Cheryl, and Cordell Parker. Communicating for Results (10th Edition). Wadsworth
Publishing, 2013.
Nichols, Michael P. The Lost Art of Listening (2nd Edition). The Guilford Press, 2009.
Petersen, James C. Why Don't We Listen Better? Communicating and Connecting Relationships.
Petersen Publications, 2008.
Stone, Douglas, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen. Difficult Conversations (10th Anniversary
Edition). Penguin Books, 2010.
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Post-Course Assessment
1. What is reframing?
a. Paraphrasing the other person’s words
b. Changing where you are sitting so you can stare at the person speaking
c. Seeing things from a different point of view
2. Which of the following items can be a barrier to communication?
a. Body language
b. Assumptions
c. Tone of voice
d. All of the above
3. Which of the following is not a probing technique?
a. Pause
b. Closed question
c. Summary question
d. Reflective question
4. True or False: When actively listening to someone, you should agree with everything
that they are saying.
5. True or False: Rapport is a co-operative relationship based on trust and honesty.
6. True or False: People who are tuned into the conversation usually lean away from
you.
7. True or False: When you are listening to others, it’s always best to do so with positive
intent.
8. Which of the following is an example of a reflective question?
a. What would you do in my shoes?
b. Is it?
c. Did you go to work yesterday?
d. What do you think about the weather?
9. What is the best way to paraphrase?
a. Imitate the person’s voice
b. Act like a parrot and repeat everything verbatim
c. Put the statement in your own words, rather than using the speaker’s words
10. True or False: Always assume that the speaker wants something from you, like advice
or an opinion.
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Pre- and Post-Assessment Answer Keys
Pre-Course Assessment
1. A: Albert Mehrabian found that when it came to discussing emotions, only 7% of the
speaker’s message was communicated by words.
2. C: This is an example of a closed question.
3. D: Body language encompasses all of these things, and more.
4. True: Active listening means that we try to understand things from the speaker’s point
of view. Hearing is a physical process, where sound enters the eardrum and messages
are passed to the brain.
5. False: Empathy means understanding the other person’s feelings and recognizing what
those feelings mean. Sympathy means feeling sorrow or pity for someone.
6. False: Whenever you are listening to someone speak, you should be focused on them.
7. True: In fact, being dishonest can impede communications.
8. D: A study completed by Norman J. Lass in 1974 indicated that humans can comprehend
about 200 words per minute. Subsequent studies have shown the same results.
9. D: All of these things can be barriers to active listening.
10. C: When you paraphrase, you rephrase the speaker’s words. This can help you ensure
that you’re getting the speaker’s message accurately and completely.
Post-Course Assessment
1.
2.
3.
4.
C: Reframing means seeing things from a different point of view.
D: We discussed barriers to communication in Session Five
B: Closed questions do not usually allow you to probe for more information
False: You can use generic validation statements to support the speaker without
agreeing with them.
5. True: In Session Six, we defined rapport as a sense of mutual understanding, respect,
and friendliness. It is the presence of a co-operative relationship based on trust and
honesty.
6. False: People who are tuned into the conversation usually lean toward you.
7. True: Positive intent includes the idea that you have good reason for what you are
saying and doing, and so do other people.
8. B: With reflective questions, you echo the person’s thoughts back to them.
9. C: Paraphrasing techniques can help you ensure that you’re getting the speaker’s
message accurately and completely.
10. False: Sometimes people just want to vent! Ask the person what they want from the
conversation.
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Personal Action Plan
Now that you have completed this course on Active Listening, how will you use the things you
have learned? Creating a personal action plan can help you stay on track and on target. When
you take responsibility for yourself and your results, you get things done!
In this session, you will be asked questions to help you plan your short-term and long-term
goals. This final exercise is a way for you to synthesize the learning that you have done and to
put it into practice.
I am already doing these things well:
I want to improve these areas:
I have these resources to help me:
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As a result of what I have
learned in this workshop, I
am going to…
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My target date is…
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I will know I have
succeeded when…
I will follow up
with myself on…