Download Paragraph development

Writing Continuum:
Paragraph Development Progression
Below are two examples of how essay topics can be more fully developed within a paragraph.
Each example utilizes a different teacher’s feedback. While the feedback differs from my own in
style, it does generally reflect the ultimate goals of quality historical writing.
Example 1 – Topic = French Revolution
Level 3 – Topic sentence, three different points, conclusion
The French Revolution had economic, social and political causes. First, the French
government was bankrupt. Second, the Third Estate was treated unfairly by the other estates.
Third, the king was weak and made bad choices. In conclusion, the French Revolution had many
causes.
Level 4 –Topic sentence, three different points with specific examples, conclusion
The French Revolution had economic, social and political causes. First, the French
government was bankrupt due to money spent on the American Revolution. Second, the Third
Estate did not receive the same privileges as did the clergy and the nobility. Third, King Louis
XVI was weak and couldn’t convince the nobles to pay taxes. In conclusion, the French
Revolution had many causes.
Level 5 –Topic sentence, three different points with specific examples, secondary information,
conclusion
The French Revolution had economic, social and political causes. First, the French
government was bankrupt due to money spent on the American Revolution. The government
didn’t collect enough taxes from the First and Second Estate to pay for the debt. Second, the
Third Estate did not receive the same privileges as did the clergy and the nobility. The clergy
could collect tithes and the nobility still had feudal privileges. Third, King Louis XVI was weak
and couldn’t convince the nobles to pay taxes. He eventually had to call the Estates General to
solve the problem. In conclusion, the French Revolution had many causes.
Level 6 –Opinionated topic sentence, three different points with specific examples, secondary
information, specific dates/key figures, specific vocabulary, appositives, insight, natural
transitions that link to previous sentence, thoughtful conclusion
Though the French Revolution was decades in the making, the government was
overthrown due to poor financial choices, social inequality and a weak monarch. By 1789,
France was on the verge of bankruptcy due to debt created through over a century of warfare and
irresponsible government spending. Without being able to collect taxes from the wealthiest
citizens, finance minister Charles Alexandre de Calonne was unable to compensate for the debt
accumulated through the financing of the American Revolutionary War and the absurdly
irresponsible expenditures at Versailles. Aside from the financial dilemma, many French
citizens demanded social equity. Spurred on by the notions of equality contributed by
philosophers such as John Locke and Jean-Jacques Rousseau, the wealthy members of the Third
Estate joined with the peasants to demand change. Choices made by Louis XVI made this
change possible. After failing to gain support from the nobility in his attempt to expand taxation,
the king ill-advisedly gathered the most prominent voices in Paris, a step that eventually led to
his downfall. With the key members assembled and a host of complaints being tossed around the
city streets, Paris was ripe for rebellion and rebellion they would get.
Level 7 –Opinionated topic sentence, three different points with specific examples, secondary
information, specific dates/key figures, primary source evidence, manipulating key primary
source information so that it is weaved into own words through ellipses and/or brackets,
specific vocabulary, appositives, natural transitions that link to previous sentence, thoughtful
conclusion
Though the French Revolution was decades in the making, the government was
overthrown due to poor financial choices, social inequality and a weak monarch. By 1789,
France was on the verge of bankruptcy due to debt created through over a century of warfare and
irresponsible government spending. Without being able to collect taxes from the wealthiest
citizens, finance minister Charles Alexandre de Calonne was unable to compensate for the debt
accumulated through the financing of the American Revolutionary War and the absurdly
irresponsible expenditures at Versailles. By 1787, visiting Englishman Arthur Young even
wondered if the “confusion in the finances” could lead to “a total overthrow of the government”.
Aside from the financial dilemma, many French citizens demanded social equity. Spurred on by
the notions of equality contributed by philosophers such as John Locke and Jean-Jacques
Rousseau, the representatives of the peasants and the wealthy members of the Third Estate united
to demand change. Eventually, these demands would be seen in the Declaration of the Rights of
Man that stated that because “men were born free and equal in rights” they should be able to
“speak, write and print freely” as well as “being equal in [the laws] eyes.” Choices made by
Louis XVI made this transformation possible. After failing to gain support from the nobility in
his attempt to expand taxation, the king ill-advisedly gathered in Paris the most prominent voices
from around France, a step that eventually led to his downfall. With the key members assembled
and a host of complaints being tossed around the city streets, Paris was ripe for rebellion and
rebellion they would get.
Example 1 – Topic = Renaissance
I. Painful, pungent garbage: Reading this makes me cringe. Have you read a single page
in your textbook or listened for twelve seconds while I’ve been jabbering these past few weeks?
You could have written this paragraph back in July before even taking this course.
The Renaissance gave the world so much. We will forever be grateful for the
contributions made during the Renaissance. Europe before was so much different but
due to the changes made during this time period, the world looks a lot different today.
They had amazing art that was totally different than before. Some famous painters
made works that you can still see in museums today. Not only can you see them in
museums, you can go to a park and walk by them also. In conclusion, the Renaissance
was one of the most important things to happen to the history of Western Civilization.
Total Historical Facts: 0
Grade: F
Strengths:
1) Uses English as language of choice
Problems:
1) Find me a historical fact and I’ll give you a dollar
2) Speaks in absolutes – “totally different” – avoid the following terms – everyone,
never, always, etc.
II. Good, acceptable, you’re getting it: I read this and I realized you learned something.
You might have forgotten a few specifics or you dozed off while writing notes in class.
However, I’m happy with this.
The Renaissance in Italy eventually spread over Europe. It started in Florence
and it was a rebirth of Greek and Roman ideas. People started painting human beings
that actually looked like humans. They were three-dimensional and you could see
their muscles. The sculptures of David and other religious figures looked a lot like
the sculptures of the gods during the Greek times. Leonardo da Vinci was a famous
Renaissance artist and he made the Mona Lisa and The Last Supper. You can see
emotions in the Mona Lisa and you can see perspective in The Last Supper. Overall,
art during the Renaissance began looking again at styles from Greece and Rome.
Total Historical Facts: 17
Grade: BStrengths:
1) Numerous historical facts specific to era being discussed
a) Recognizes big ideas and supports with relevant examples
Weaknesses:
1) Fairly boring to read
2) Details don’t show clear understanding of nuances of era, examples
3) This is like a Cliff’s Notes version of history
4) Author doesn’t take a stand – very neutral
III. You’re a star, lovely, splendid: I enjoyed reading this. You listen to me during class
and you understand what you read. You put in details that make we want to actually read on.
Well done. From now on, when I see your name at the top of a paper I will smile knowing that
the next five to eight minutes of my life will be filled with joy and happiness.
During the Church-dominated Middle Ages, artistic expression took a huge
step backwards and was finally saved with the rebirth of Classical ideas during the
Renaissance. From the fall of the Roman Empire until the fifteenth century, Europe
fell into a Dark Era where artistic freedom was stifled by the overbearing nature of the
Church. Almost all works had a religious overtone and the figures included rarely looked
realistic. Then Europe entered the Renaissance. Financed by patrons in Florence
and the religious hierarchy in Rome, a new generation of artists began exploring the
beauty of the human form. Motivated by the ideals of humanism, a secular movement
initiated by Petrarch that rediscovered the civilizations of Greece and Rome, artists
again began prioritizing the human form and implemented perspective. Though the
works continued to have a religious theme (the patrons usually demanded this), artists
such as Michelangelo, Rafael, Donatello, and Leonardo da Vinci were free to explore
their interpretation of the human story. From Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel ceiling
where the Bible stories unfold using characters with near-perfect bodies, to Raphael’s
School of Athens where the greatest thinkers of all time mingle, Renaissance works
showed a refocus on the glories of humans. With these two pieces and the hundreds of
others that graced the walls of merchant’s homes and the Church’s property, Europe
finally emerged from an era of mundane art and entered a period of artistic freedom.
Total Historical Facts: 38
Grade: A
Strengths:
1) Takes a stand that can be argued
2) Understands where events fall historically
3) A virtual bevy of historical facts
4) Uses complex sentences to include multiple facts
Weaknesses:
1) Wording awkward at times, but the author takes a risk…so I’m happy
2) Too broad at times, tries to cover too much, should have narrower focus