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Asperger Syndrome and Marriage Gisela and Chris SlaterWalker www.asperger-marriage.info Essential Requirements Formal diagnosis accepted by both partners Mutual desire to have a working relationship Mutual willingness to learn BUT this mutuality of desire/willingness has not been expressed in a ‘togetherness’ of approach www.asperger-marriage.info Background Met at university in 1985 Moved in together 1989 Son born 1992 Chris diagnosed with ASD 1997 www.asperger-marriage.info Chris – Why I Wanted a Relationship Wanted to share something with someone – though not sure what Was very lonely – thought that I would be able to talk to someone in a relationship Also ‘heterosexual male’ Possibly children www.asperger-marriage.info Early Days. What Sustained the Relationship? Limited emotional and time demands from Gisela Chris’s linguistic ability Mutual interests – doing same course music / culture political sympathies Physical attraction www.asperger-marriage.info Early Days - What Endangered the Relationship? Chris Unreasonable demands on my time Realised, possibly in theory, that you had to be with someone to have a relationship – but in practice difficult Gisela’s untidiness Gisela Found aspects of Chris’s behaviour uncomfortable Apparently rude and ungrateful to parents But appeared he wanted to be helpful – just painfully shy and according to a friend ‘the quietest person I have ever met’ www.asperger-marriage.info Pre-Diagnosis Difficulties - Gisela Vital Routines– hoovering the working surface Importance of sleep to Chris Discussion of difficulties impossible – Chris apparently determined not to Apparent hostility Deteriorating relationship with parents and children Apparent indifference to family members’ needs Unable to use feminine wiles www.asperger-marriage.info Pre-diagnosis Difficulties - Chris Saw Gisela as the one with the problems - not me I was reasonably happy, could not understand why Gisela was not Gisela has different ideas of what is important • relationship with the children and people far more important to her than things being in the right place • distressing for me when something is not in the right place Gisela would want to discuss things at night when I wanted to sleep www.asperger-marriage.info Diagnosis – Why Important? Chris – always felt socially handicapped – diagnosis would provide a reason for this rather than it being a personal inadequacy Gisela – Chris either unwilling or unable to engage fully in a close relationship – needed to know which www.asperger-marriage.info Initial Reaction to DSM-IV Chris - Sceptical, ‘it seemed people with AS acted irrationally – and I acted rationally’ Gisela – Astonished, a description of Chris’s idiosyncrasies www.asperger-marriage.info ‘There is no doubt in my mind that you are on the autistic spectrum and have Asperger Syndrome’ www.asperger-marriage.info Effects of ASD in an ‘Able Adult’ Bullying Severe depression Nearly ended a marriage Extremely unhappy relationship with parents Unable to deal with lack of structure at Oxford Failure to succeed at interviews – so career and job opportunities curtailed Difficulties in employment www.asperger-marriage.info Help Available to the ‘Able Adult’ with Asperger Syndrome Medication Family www.asperger-marriage.info Professional Help Available to Families of the ‘Able Adult’ with AS www.asperger-marriage.info Other Help Available for Partners in Asperger Marriages Literature by professionals, people with AS and partners Support groups – national and local Internet lists Extended family Good friends www.asperger-marriage.info AS Features Causing Difficulties Lack of Empathy? Inability to mind-read Effects of stress on the AS partner Communication difficulties– personal and work relationships www.asperger-marriage.info Non-Spectrum Features Causing Difficulties Lack of Appreciation of: • stress caused by daily living with AS • need for space • misunderstanding not only one way Need for reassurance of affection Need for conversation and social interaction Need to be understood www.asperger-marriage.info Essential problem is communication www.asperger-marriage.info Verbal Communication Conversation AS partner: • has a lack of ability to initiate • has literal understanding • has no innate understanding of structure of conversation • simply does not know what to say www.asperger-marriage.info Communication Conversation structure difficulties • turn-taking • need for processing time causes delay in replying, particularly noticeable over abstract issues, e.g. emotions • MRQQ – manner, relevance, quality and quantity of replies www.asperger-marriage.info Non-verbal Communication A real problem: lack of facial expression and other non verbal communication leads to much mutual misunderstanding Mood, or attitude of the person with AS is easily misread www.asperger-marriage.info Coping Strategies Awareness of differences in communication Non-AS partner must not become emotional in conversations Discuss one issue at a time Try to avoid using metaphorical language Wait for a reply – it will usually come Explain the need for a reply if it doesn’t The intent of the person with AS should be appreciated Use Instant Messaging and emails www.asperger-marriage.info Employment Issues Communication difficulties extend to other aspects of life AS partner may appreciate help over work issues and day-to-day living www.asperger-marriage.info Social Issues Separate social lives need not be detrimental to a marriage Social occasions based on an activity – concert, theatre or quiz more successful Purely social occasions should be limited to small groups of quiet people in quiet surroundings www.asperger-marriage.info Parenting Chris benefited from watching me – and we agree on strategies with George George aware of Chris’s AS Conscientious www.asperger-marriage.info The Future Chris’s relationship with his parents is much improved Still problems with my three children – difficult to redress Despite practice some situations still very difficult – interviews Not currently planning ‘An Asperger Divorce’ www.asperger-marriage.info