Download Asperger Syndrome and Marriage

Asperger Syndrome and
Marriage
Gisela and Chris SlaterWalker
Essential Requirements
Formal diagnosis accepted by both
partners
Mutual desire to have a working
relationship
Mutual willingness to learn
BUT this mutuality of desire/willingness has not
been expressed in a ‘togetherness’ of approach
Background
Met at university in 1985
Moved in together 1989
Son born 1992
Chris diagnosed with ASD 1997
Chris – Why I Wanted a
Relationship
Wanted to share something with someone
– though not sure what
Was very lonely – thought that I would be
able to talk to someone in a relationship
Also ‘heterosexual male’
Possibly children
Early Days. What Sustained the
Relationship?
Limited emotional and time demands from
Gisela
Chris’s linguistic ability
Mutual interests – doing same course
music / culture
political sympathies
Physical attraction
Early Days - What Endangered the
Relationship?
Chris
Unreasonable demands on my time
Realised, possibly in theory, that you had to be with
someone to have a relationship – but in practice difficult
Gisela’s untidiness
Gisela
Found aspects of Chris’s behaviour uncomfortable
Apparently rude and ungrateful to parents
But appeared he wanted to be helpful – just painfully shy
and according to a friend ‘the quietest person I have ever
met’
Pre-Diagnosis Difficulties - Gisela
Vital Routines– hoovering the working surface
Importance of sleep to Chris
Discussion of difficulties impossible – Chris
apparently determined not to
Apparent hostility
Deteriorating relationship with parents and
children
Apparent indifference to family members’ needs
Unable to use feminine wiles
www.asperger-marriage.info
Pre-diagnosis Difficulties - Chris
Saw Gisela as the one with the problems - not
me
I was reasonably happy, could not understand
why Gisela was not
Gisela has different ideas of what is important:
• relationship with the children and people far more
important to her than things being in the right place
• distressing for me when something is not in the right
place
Gisela would want to discuss things at night
when I wanted to sleep
AS and the young adult
University experiences confirmed that I
was different from other people.
Found difficulties living with other students
Depressed to the point of considering how
to commit suicide
Diagnosis – Why Important?
Chris –Always felt socially handicapped –
diagnosis would provide a reason for this
rather than it being a personal inadequacy
Gisela – Chris either unwilling or unable to
engage fully in a close relationship –
needed to know which
Initial Reaction to DSM-IV
Chris - Sceptical, ‘it seemed people with
AS acted irrationally – and I acted
rationally’
Gisela – Astonished, a description of
Chris’s idiosyncrasies
‘There is no doubt in my mind that
you are on the autistic spectrum
and have Asperger Syndrome’
Effects of ASD in an ‘Able Adult’
Bullying
Severe depression
Nearly ended a marriage
Extremely unhappy relationship with parents
Unable to deal with lack of structure at Oxford
Failure to succeed at interviews – so career and
job opportunities curtailed
Difficulties in employment
Help Available to the ‘Able Adult’
with Asperger Syndrome
Medication
Family
Professional Help Available to
Families of the ‘Able Adult’ with AS
Other Help Available for Partners in
Asperger Marriages
Literature by professionals, people with AS
and partners
Support groups – national and local
Internet lists
Extended family
Good friends
AS Features Causing Difficulties
Lack of Empathy?
Inability to mind-read
Effects of stress on the AS partner
Communication difficulties– personal and
work relationships
Non-Spectrum Features Causing
Difficulties
Lack of Appreciation of:
• stress caused by daily living with AS
• need for space
• misunderstanding not only one way
Own need for reassurance of affection
Need for conversation and social
interaction
Need to be understood
Essential problem is communication
Verbal Communication
Conversation
AS partner:
• has a lack of ability to initiate
• has literal understanding
• has no innate understanding of structure of
conversation
• simply does not know what to say
• Unaware of when to speak sometimes
Communication
Conversation structure difficulties
• turn-taking slow or absent
• need for processing time causes delay in
replying, particularly noticeable over abstract
issues, e.g. emotions
• Difficulty in beginning and ending
conversations
Non-verbal Communication
A real problem: lack of facial expression
and other non verbal communication leads
to much mutual misunderstanding
Mood, or attitude of the person with AS is
easily misread
Coping Strategies
Awareness of differences in communication
Non-AS partner must not become emotional in
conversations
Discuss one issue at a time
Try to avoid using metaphorical language
Wait for a reply – it will usually come
Explain the need for a reply if it doesn’t
The intent of the person with AS should be
appreciated
Use Instant Messaging and emails
Employment Issues
Communication difficulties extend to other
aspects of life
AS partner may appreciate help over work
issues and day-to-day living
Interviews
Inherently discriminatory for people with
AS
‘Good communication skills’ invariably
tested by ability to communicate socially
rather than to communicate complex ideas
Apparent lack of confidence in interviews
is not a true reflection of job performance
under pressure
Work relationships
Chris tends to trust what people say so
that it is easy to take advantage of him
Problems in ensuring contributions are
recognised
Difficulty in defending myself against
criticism at home and at work, especially
when it is unjustified
Social Issues
Separate social lives need not be
detrimental to a marriage
Social occasions based on an activity –
concert, theatre or quiz more successful
Purely social occasions should be limited
to small groups of quiet people in quiet
surroundings
Parenting
Chris benefited from watching me – and
we agree on strategies with George
George aware of Chris’s AS
Conscientious
The Future
Chris’s relationship with his parents is
much improved
Still problems with my three children –
difficult to redress
Despite practice some situations still very
difficult – interviews
Not currently planning ‘An Asperger
Divorce’