Download Honey, Did You Hear Me? A Game Plan for Effective

Honey, Did You Hear Me? A Game Plan for Effective
Communication Part 1 of our 3-part Couples Communication Series
Most relationships will eventually have issues that need to be discussed.
A few common complaints of married couples include he/she doesn’t listen to me, we don’t communicate
well, and I don’t feel heard. Most relationships will eventually have issues that need to be discussed. These
issues may be big or small. Learning how to listen well and to communicate well involves learning some basic
communication skills. Effective communication skills can help a couple navigate through difficult topics that
may be hard to discuss.
As couples, we communicate for many different
reasons. It may be just to talk, or to manage the
details of everyday life. Couples talk as a way to share
ideas, ambitions and dreams. Often times couples
communicate with the intent to resolve conflict in the
All couples will experience conflict
from time to time, how conflict is
handled though is a key ingredient to
the success of the marriage.
relationship. Communication on all levels is essential
for a relationship to thrive. Unfortunately, most couples do not know how to manage conflict and this can lead
to disharmony in a relationship. All couples will experience conflict from time to time, how conflict is handled
though is a key ingredient in the success of the marriage.
It takes two to communicate well. Learning to talk and really listen to each other is the first step towards good
communication that will lead to effective conflict management. To help develop these skills there are certain
steps to follow. The skills discussed in this tip sheet will help you to become a better listener and speaker.
One of the first skills in effective communication is to realize that a positive approach and a “win-win” mentality
will serve you well. Having positive regard for your partner and his/her thoughts and feelings are an important
step.
Each person in a relationship brings with them a style
of communication that has been shaped by their family
background, life experiences and personality. Sometimes this
style of communication means that a person is more, or less,
emotional or expressive when talking. One person is also
more or less likely to be the one to bring up an issue. Become
familiar with your own and your partner’s communication style.
An important key to good communication is to use a “speaker”
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and “listener” technique. If you learn to practice these skills when you are getting along well they will be easier
to use during difficult discussions.
Taking turns as both the speaker and the listener gives each member of the team a chance to speak, listen
and to be understood. One basic idea is that each person has a message to communicate. Sometimes the
message is communicated through active listening and conveys to the other person that you understand what
they said. Other times, the message is communicated by speaking directly to the other person. Take a turn
doing both, and relinquish your turn as speaker to allow the listener the same opportunity to be understood.
Clarify that you both understand what each other is saying both on a verbal and an emotional level.
Take a Chill
Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, communication becomes too difficult for a couple. In these
instances, someone gets angry, another stops playing by the rules, feelings get hurt or one person feels
attacked. All of these negative behaviors undermine the goal of getting your message across, or hearing your
partner’s concern. In these cases, taking a break
To “take a chill” literally allows both
people to let the heat and intensity
of a discussion cool down enough
to where it can be addressed under
more relaxed circumstances.
from the discussion is best. To “take a chill” literally
allows both people to let the heat and intensity of
a discussion cool down enough to where it can
be addressed under more relaxed circumstances.
This communication break, or chill, can be for a few
minutes or even longer if necessary. It should be
long enough to give both speaker and listener time to regroup enough to re-engage in the discussion of the
issue. An important element in deciding to “take a chill” is recognizing that when one person signals a need
to pause the discussion, the other should respect their need for a break. In doing so, agree to a time when
you will begin the discussion again. Taking a chill is a mutually agreed upon communication step with the
understanding that the issue will be revisited later.
You can separately learn the skills for both speaking and listening but don’t forget to review other skills so you’ll
know what not to do as you practice both roles.
Communication with one another is a powerful tool—it can nurture feelings of love, admiration and respect. It
can also have a negative impact by creating hurt feelings and anger. Learning effective ways to communicate
won’t help you avoid conflict in your relationship, but it will help prevent the conflict you do have, from
damaging your relationship.
The Ground Rules below are meant to give you tools to help your communication with one another.
Let’s get started with the tools you’ll need to get your message across.
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Speaker in the House—Ground Rules for Communicating Your
Message1
Speaker Rule #1: Pick the right time
While there is no perfect time to raise a difficult issue, some times are more appropriate than others. Use
care in determining what those times may be. Try to pick a time when you and your spouse are free of other
distractions. This time should be when both you and your spouse can approach it positively and give your full
attention. For example, this time is likely not during a favorite TV show, immediately upon coming home from
work, or during another scheduled activity. As the speaker, you can initiate the discussion by gauging what the
most appropriate time may be or simply asking your partner when a good time to discuss an important issue is.
Speaker Rule #2: How You Start is How You’ll Finish
The way in which the speaker raises an issue is often a big predictor of how the discussion will go. If
you begin the conversation in a harsh way by attacking or blaming your partner, you are likely to have an
angry discussion. It is important to avoid creating an environment where the listener feels they need to
defend themselves rather than simply discuss. In these cases, your message is not being heard because
the listener is too busy defending themselves. Softening the way you begin the conversation with a calm,
positive approach will increase the likelihood that your
communication will be viewed as non-threatening. A
non-threatening or safe communication environment
will make the discussion seem worth participating in
to the listener. Think of it as a “soft-beginning” where
your words and tone are free of criticism or attack.
Softening the way you begin the
conversation with a calm, positive approach will increase the likelihood that
your communication will be viewed as
non-threatening.
Here are examples of harsh and soft beginnings.
Harsh Beginning—“You didn’t put gas in the car and I was late for work this morning.”
Soft Beginning—“I appreciate it when you put gas in my car, but when you can’t do that for me, let me
know so I can make time to stop before work.”
Speaker Rule #3: Speak for Yourself
Stick to talking about how you, the speaker, feels. Also, describe the issue at hand for you, rather than stating
what you may assume, think or observe to be the problem with your spouse. Use the words “I” and “me” to
describe things from your point of view. Beginning a conversation with “you” statements, can feel like an attack
or attempt to blame the listener. Let’s use the issue of housework as an example:
1
Adapted from Markman, 12 Hours to a Great Marriage, and Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
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“I” statement—I get frustrated when I come home from work and the kitchen is messy. This statement
conveys a feeling of frustration about a messy house.
“You” statement—You don’t ever clean up after yourself. What have you been doing all day? This
statement assigns blame on the listener for the messy house and attacks the listener by implying that they
are lazy.
Speaker Rule #4: Be Short and to the Point
Try to tackle one issue at a time. Keep your point specific to issues, observations or feelings and raise only
those things happening currently. Do not include negative comments that attack the other. For example,
the following statement is an example of a personal attack: You were such a jerk last night. A more positive
alternative statement would be My feelings were hurt last night when you left. It describes specific feelings
as the result of an event. Explain your feelings and concerns simply, avoiding the temptation to use long or
drawn-out descriptions of things. Getting to the point gives the listener a manageable amount of information.
It also provides them with a greater chance to show that they understand your point. Being brief keeps the
listener engaged in the discussion and makes them less likely to “tune-out.”
Speaker Rule #5: It’s Not Safe to Assume
You might think that because a person knows you, they should know what you are thinking or feeling. Making
assumptions is dangerous in any type of communication. It’s up to you to tell the listener what you feel, or
how you observe a situation. What may be obvious to you may not be obvious to the listener. Communicate
in specifics, using examples of situations if necessary. Give your listener a frame of reference for what you
describe. Don’t forget to begin the discussion gently and speak for yourself using “I” statements as described
above [Rule #2 and #3], while keeping the issues to the point and as simple.
The only way to know that your listener accurately received your message is to pause and give the listener
a chance to respond back to you.
Speaker Rule #6: Stop, Pause,
Listen
After you have done your best to follow the speaker
rules to get your message across be sure to let
the listener paraphrase or summarize what you
have said. The only way to know that your listener
accurately received your message is to pause and give the listener a chance to respond back to you. This
response should not include their opinion about what you’ve said. They should simply re-state, in their own
words, what you just shared. It’s not uncommon to learn that what we think we said, was actually heard much
differently by the listener. Having the listener repeat what you’ve shared, gives you a chance to know whether
your message came across. You can add corrections or clarifications [using the rules] if the listener describes
something different than what you intended to communicate.
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Speaker Rule #7: Move On
Once you are sure your message was understood, you can choose your next option. If you are
communicating a conflict, use the rules to develop a solution based on common ground—or things you can
agree upon to improve the situation. You may be able to resolve an issue by simply discussing it, or you may
“agree to disagree”. If you identify a conflict that needs to be resolved, schedule a time to discuss it using
the above skills. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you fix the conflict, only that you both agree on ways
that you can live with the conflict . At this point you might need to repair hurt feelings, ask for forgiveness, or
offer forgiveness. Do so in ways that your partner appreciates. Take time to do these things and once you’ve
completed the process, move on.
Learning any new skill and incorporating these rules may seem silly or unnatural at first. The key is to stick to
it and incorporate the techniques into your communication. Even practice the skills when things are going well
in your relationship so that you’ll be prepared when attempting to use the rules during a conflict.
You may be wondering how you can be sure that these rules work in real situations. Experts in the healthy
marriage arena have learned after years of research working with couples to design the basis for the rules.
They’ve used these techniques on literally thousands of couples. Also, by studying successful communication
skills, not just failures, experts are able to translate these things into strategies that people can use in their
everyday lives.
Want to know or do more? Check out these resources:
To Read:
• 12 Hours to a Great Marriage: A Step-by-Step Guide for making Love Last. Howard Markman, Scott M.
Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg, Natalie H. Jenkins and Carol Whiteley. Jossey-Bass, San Fransisco, CA,
2004.
• The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, Gary Chapman.
Northfield Publishing, Chicago, 1995.
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. John Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver. Crown
Publishers, New York, NY,1999.
To Do:
• Attend a marriage enrichment class, find one in your area by visiting:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Directory.Home
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