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IJJER
International Journal
of Jewish Education Research,
2013 (4), 29-67.
“From ‘Asur, Asur, Asur’
to ‘the Big Mutar1’”:
Religious-Zionist Women’s Views on Sex
Education in Israel
Galit Kahane Uli | [email protected]
Bar Ilan University, Israel
Deborah Court | [email protected]; [email protected]
Bar Ilan University, Israel
Abstract
This study presents the experiences, feelings, and opinions
regarding sex education, of 12 young religious-Zionist women who
studied in the Israeli religious-Zionist school system and participated in
bride-counseling lessons in the months and days prior to marriage. Each
has been married two to ten years and each was participating in a bridecounseling course during the present study. The aim of the in-depth
interviews was to understand how each of these women experienced the
transition from complete celibacy before marriage to full sexuality in the
first days and months after marriage, and to hear about their experiences
of formal sex education as high school students and as brides undergoing
bride counseling lessons, as well as their new impressions on sexuality
education as students in a bride-counseling course. In addition, they
were asked to articulate their thoughts on sex education for religious
high school girls and for brides they may wish to counsel in the future.
Caught between their perceived commitment to teaching the
This means “From ‘forbidden, forbidden, forbidden’ to ‘the big permitted.’” The
authors decided to use the Hebrew transliteration in this quotation.
1
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Religious-Zionist Women’s Views on Sex Education in Israel
halachic lifestyle and values, and their sense of obligation to promote the
well-being of their students and brides when dealing with sexuality both
before and after marriage, these women often voiced ambivalent and
even contradictory opinions regarding what to talk about with students
and brides, as well as when and how. But they also gave a clear message
on the importance of promoting healthy femininity and sexuality within
a halachic framework and the need for a formal sexuality program for
religious girls in the high school classroom.
Key words: sex education, religious-Zionist, bride counseling, Israel
Introduction
The Jewish religious-Zionist world in Israel contains many
laws, values and beliefs that can be considered ambivalent and even
contradictory: traditionalism vs. modernity, rigid halachic laws vs.
flexibility and democracy, sexual modesty vs. exposure to media and
mixed (male-female) social youth groups, and more.
The main challenge to the young religious-Zionist Israeli woman
is to find the pathway where all of the seemingly conflicting values can
converge, so that she can attempt to maintain her own thoughts, beliefs,
and desires while striving to adhere to Torah laws and traditions and to
remain a part of the Orthodox Jewish community.
A review of the general literature on sex education, as well as
traditional Jewish views and teachings, points to a serious lack of unified
guidelines and effective sex-education programs for religious-Zionist
Israeli girls that can lead to confusion and hardship in adolescence and
through the first years of marriage. Female desire and satisfaction in
sexual relationships is either ignored or often treated as a symptom of a
low level of spirituality, which can lead to feelings of guilt and low selfesteem when building sexual relationships, even within marriage.
The transition from celibacy to sexuality that many young Orthodox
women experience needs to be studied, in order to create a new way
of thinking about the sexuality of Orthodox women and to develop
future sex education programs that can promote adolescent Orthodox
girls’ positive definitions and beliefs about modesty, relationships and
sexuality.
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Girls’ Sex Education in Religious Zionism
Orthodox Judaism, as a traditional religion, asserts authority over all
areas of life, yet within the bounds of commitment to religious doctrine,
many areas of struggle for individuality and change may be revealed,
especially within the religious-Zionist community. Commitment to
religion as well as to an inner voice may coexist at a very deep level of
identity, along with a belief that such conflicts can be resolved within
the religious system. In this way, non-religious aspects of one’s personal
and social experience can become a significant aspect of religious life
(Hartman, 2002; Sosis & Ruffle, 2003).
Teachers in Israeli religious-Zionist high schools, where secular
and religious subjects are taught, recognize a pressing need for education
in sexuality, a need which is triggered by the realization that, contrary
to Orthodox religious law, some students are sexually active, and most
students are learning more about their emerging sexuality from the
internet and other media sources (Hartman and Samet, 2007).
While the general media and popular culture display a blatant
caricature of sexual desire, this topic remains simultaneously ignored
in the classroom, leaving adolescents confused about what is real and
accurate and what may be relevant to them now or in the future (Fine
and McClelland, 2006).
Despite the fact that religious students are exposed to sexuality
through the media, until recently, the general policy of most religious
authorities in the Israeli religious school system was to discourage
discussion of sexuality in the classroom, an approach that implies that
“to ‘awaken’ one to the existence of sexuality through conversation is in
itself to ‘arouse.’ Better to leave sexuality dormant, than to kindle it with
speech” (Hartman and Samet, 2007, p. 79).
Fine (1992) describes a similar attitude to sex education in the
United States public school system, where resisters of sex education
feel that any discussion of this topic in the classroom “raises questions
of promoting promiscuity and immorality and of undermining family
values” (p. 32). Opponents of sex education assume that by not teaching
about sexuality, adolescent sexual behavior will not occur, despite the
fact that empirical evidence disproves this theory (Fine, 1992). Another
possible outcome of avoiding sex education in the classroom is the future
inadequate sexual development of the school graduate, when sexual
activity eventually becomes relevant.
Opposing the attitude that discussion of sexuality should be
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Religious-Zionist Women’s Views on Sex Education in Israel
avoided in the classroom, Fine and McClelland (2006) contend that
“sexuality education is the only academic content area that is taught as if
the knowledge gained in the classroom is meant to exclusively serve the
young person’s present situation” (p. 328). They compare sex education
to other school topics such as math education, wherein topics are learned
within the school curriculum despite the fact that there is no need for
these topics in the students’ daily lives. Gilligan (1990) supports the importance of open discussion with
adolescent women about their budding sexuality when she defines the
turning point in girls’ lives at the time of adolescence, where the tendency
“for a resistance which is essentially political — an insistence on knowing
what one knows and a willingness to be outspoken — [turns] into a
psychological resistance: a reluctance to know what one knows and a fear
that such knowledge, if spoken, will endanger relationships and threaten
survival” (p. 256). Gilligan describes this period as “the time when girls’
desire for relationships and for knowledge comes up against the wall of
Western culture and a resistance breaks out which is… potentially of
great human value” (p. 257).
In aiming to put this resistance in the Israeli religious-Zionist
context, we would suggest that the time of girls’ desire for relationships
and for knowledge is a period that extends from adolescence – when
these young women are commanded by Jewish law and expected by their
parents, teachers, and peers to remain celibate – until marriage, and even
through the first years of marriage. During this extended turning point,
the “wall” that Gilligan mentions becomes a double-barrier for these
women. They must deal with the wall of Western culture as well as the
restrictions on behavior, thoughts and feelings impressed upon them as
members of the Jewish Orthodox world.
Gilligan (1990) further describes girls’ knowledge of reality as
itself politically dangerous, but at the same time determines that “it
is both psychologically and politically dangerous for girls not to know
what is going on — or to render themselves innocent by disconnecting
themselves from their bodies, that repository of experience and desire,
and thus, in essence, disassociating themselves from themselves, from
relationships and from what they know about the world.... [G]irls’
knowledge and girls’ passion are bound to make trouble in the world
girls are entering” (p. 284, 285).
In comparison with the above mentioned avoidance of sexuality
education in the American classroom, a notable problem surrounding
sex-education discussion in the religious-Zionist education system in
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Israel is the expectation and definition of good, positive behavior in the
Jewish Orthodox student. This problem is specifically relevant to the
numerous restrictions of tzniut [modesty] with which the girls must
comply pertaining to the clothes they wear, what they speak about, and
their general behavior and activities, in and out of school.
Moreover, the ideas of tzniut shape women’s personal body image
and the way women feel about themselves, strongly impacting future
marital relations and sexual satisfaction and enjoyment (Marmon
Grumet, 2008). For some young female students the laws of modesty
may be conceived of as a complete negation of women as sexual beings,
a perception that can create great difficulty in their future marital and
sexual lives, especially during the transition into marriage, when cultural
expectations shift from encouraging a girl to be chaste and uninterested
in sexuality to becoming an active marital partner who is alluring and
available for her husband. Marmon Grumet (2008) suggests that the
messages of tzniut and the methods by which this subject is transmitted
must be seriously re-examined.
Bordo (1993) states that “not chiefly through ideology, but through
the organization and regulation of the time, space, and movements of
our daily lives, our bodies are trained, shaped, and impressed with the
stamp of prevailing historical forms of selfhood, desire, masculinity,
[and] femininity” (p. 165, 166). The laws and dictates of both the Torah
and the Jewish community play a strong role in shaping and training the
body of the female adolescent. Rules of modesty in dress, behavior, and
male-female relationships, along with the demands of fashion in Western
culture, cause “female bodies [to] become docile bodies – bodies whose
forces and energies are habituated to external regulation, subjection,
transformation, [and] ‘improvement’” (p. 166). This may become even
more accentuated at the time of transition into marriage, when Jewish
Orthodox women are expected to adhere to a new set of laws pertaining
to their bodies (laws of purity within sexual relationship) and laws of
dress (head covering), beyond those to which they adhered before.
Samet (2005) focuses on another problem of education for tzniut for
young women in religious-Zionist sex-education: boys’ desire and sexual
impulses are well-defined and discussed (whereby, boys are restricted in
self-arousal as well as arousal by the opposite sex), while female desire is
“erased.” We suggest (and the results of our interviews will show) that
the reason for this is the educator’s commitment to teaching the strict
criteria for tzniut in women, whereby a woman who is truly modest will
not be at all focused on or have thoughts about sexuality.
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Religious-Zionist Women’s Views on Sex Education in Israel
Moreover, in order to encourage young girls to behave modestly –
especially near boys and men – boys are presented as intensely desirous
and sexual, and unable to control their impulses (Cherka-Yodkovitch,
2005; Samet, 2005).
Fine (1992) discusses this approach in the general public school
sex-education program. “The naming of desire, pleasure, or sexual
entitlement, particularly for females, barely exists in the formal agenda of
public schooling on sexuality . … In the typical sex education classroom,
silence, and therefore distortion, surrounds female desire” (p. 35, 37, 38).
Whatley (1994) describes the situation of female desire in sexuality
education, noting that “women are often presented as having little (if
any) sex drive; if they initiate sex, it is not sexual desire but a need for
closeness or intimacy that motivates them” (p. 196). We would suggest
that with the additional demands for women’s modesty, young Jewish
Orthodox women are left with very little space for examining and
expressing their sexual desires.
Tolman’s (1994) research on sexuality education for girls in
public school classrooms highlights a conflict between two features of
girls’ experiences of sexuality: desire and vulnerability. The participants
made explicit connections between sexual desire and danger, while
social contexts caused most of the girls to make a conscious choice of
sacrificing pleasure in an attempt to obtain protection from danger. A
major question we raise here is whether some women sacrifice pleasure
for other reasons – such as in an attempt to protect their modesty – even
if the context of sexuality is definitely not a dangerous one.
Sex Education in the Israeli Religious School System: Policy and
Programs
The Branch of Psychology and Counseling Services (Agaf
Sheff”i) in the Department of Education is the official authority that is
responsible for sex education policy and programs in the Israeli public
school system. Enquiries made through Agaf Sheff”i on the internet, as
well as e-mail and telephone conversations with representatives of the
Branch of Health Education (in the non-religious public school system)
and the Branch of Family Life Education (in the religious public school
system) have revealed that there are no official rules or supervision in
the secular or religious public school systems in Israel pertaining to how
sex education should be taught in the classrooms, who is expected to
teach the existing programs, and how to evaluate the effectiveness of sex
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education classes on students’ knowledge, feelings, values and behavior.
The two major programs existing in the formal religious high
school system are “Marital and Family Relations” (Ishut) (Eisenberg,
1997) as part of the bagrut [Israeli matriculation exam] in toshba [Oral
Law studies], often taught by rabbis, and the most recent program for
Family Life Education (Cherka-Yodkovitch, 2005) which is supposed
to be taught by home-room teachers (usually female for girls), as part
of the class program on values and social topics. The former program,
Ishut, does not attempt to deal with issues of female sexuality, but rather
to teach halacha.
The Israeli Rabbinate obligates every Jewish bride to learn the laws
of family purity, which define times when a married couple may have
sexual relations and times when there must be complete separation,
including not touching each other or even passing objects from one’s
hands to the other’s (Baskin, 2002; Knohl, 2005).
Any Jewish bride – secular or religious – interested in an Orthodox
wedding service must take part in a lesson consisting of a minimum of
two hours with a bride-counselor trained by the Rabbinate. The lesson
teaches the basic laws of family purity – vaginal checks at the end of the
monthly period and ritual immersion. From informal discussions with
several secular brides who took this lesson, I have understood that they
are also taught the possible punishments connected with transgression
of family purity laws mentioned in Jewish religious sources, such as karet
(untimely death or eternal excommunication), sick or paralyzed babies,
and more.
The university midrasha in which students who participated in the
current research were enrolled, along with other well-known associations,
has created bride-counseling courses that offer an alternative learning
program for preparing both religious and secular brides for marriage
and future practice of family purity laws. Bride counseling classes for
religious girls through one of the above associations usually consists of 8
to 10 two-hour lessons, preferably beginning one to two months before
the wedding date. The bride counseling program from which these
participants were drawn during the 2010 academic year encourages
focusing on three major areas when preparing brides for marriage: family
purity laws, male-female communication in marriage, and sexuality.
The complexities related to teaching religious high school girls
about sexuality both within the rigid halachic framework and the
modern world in which they are raised, have led to formulation of the
following research questions:
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Religious-Zionist Women’s Views on Sex Education in Israel
1. How do a group of Israeli religious-Zionist women, married 2-10
years and participating in a “bride counseling” course, describe
their past transition from celibacy (as single women) to sexuality
(as married women)?
2. How does their participation in the course affect their outlook
on their personal transition from celibacy to sexuality in their
own life, as well as their outlook on existing sexuality education
programs for religious girls and women?
3. What changes and additions do they recommend for sexuality
education programs for girls in orthodox schools in Israel?
Methodology
The current research was conducted through a qualitative approach
that strives to discover “the meaning people have constructed about their
world and their experiences” (Merriam, 2002, p. 5). Patton (in Merriam,
2002) explains that the goal of qualitative research is not to attempt
to predict what may or may not happen in the future, but rather to
understand the nature of a phenomenon: what the participants’ lives are
like, what meanings they give to the phenomenon being researched, and
what the world looks like to them in the particular setting in which they
live. The current research aims to explore the meaning these women give
to the transition they went through as young Jewish Orthodox Israeli
women and what they now feel they should have learned as adolescents,
after having gone through that transition.
Data was collected through in-depth, semi-structured interviews.
The central purpose of the interviews, as in the model discussed by Jones
and McEwen (2002), was to engage in dialogue with the participants
in order to elicit their descriptions and perceptions of themselves,
and to provide them with a structure for communicating their own
understandings of and perspectives on their personal experiences
through attribution of meaning to those experiences. The participants
were encouraged to use “their own words in describing the internal
and interpersonal processes by which they [define] their identities and
[make] sense of differences” (Jones and McEwen, 2002, p. 166).
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Galit Kahane Uli & Deborah Court
Research Population
In-depth interviews were conducted with 12 religious-Zionist
Jewish women during the course of the summer of 2010. All names
mentioned in the article are pseudonyms so as to protect the privacy of
the participants and their spouses and families. The interviews centered
on the women’s experiences of the transition from pre-marital celibacy
to sexuality after marriage, including what this transition means to them
and how it affected their relationships with self, spouse, community,
and G-d. The women were also asked to express their opinions on
the materials taught within the two existing sex-education programs
(mentioned above) and were then requested to share their insight on
topics and issues they feel should be taught to Orthodox Jewish female
students during high-school and throughout the years preceding
marriage.
The participants were chosen from the students enrolled in a course
on “Bride Counseling” conducted within the framework of a university
Midrasha. The women range in age from 23-30 and have been married
between 2 and 10 years. After having studied with these women as a
peer for half a year, the researcher began approaching them about being
interviewed. These women are interested in teaching future brides about
relationships and sexuality and most of them expressed their enthusiasm
about being interviewed on what they considered to be an important
topic, with one or two expressing a more hesitant attitude, unsure that
they wanted to discuss such an intimate topic.
Interview sessions were conducted in the homes of the participants,
at a time that was deemed comfortable and private. The aim of this setting
for conducting the meetings was to enable the meaningful placement of
the phenomena being researched within a specific social environment.
The participants’ homes are the natural setting for their experiences in
sexuality and family life and as such, created an environment that is
closely connected to the research questions (Holliday, 2007).
The twelve women who participated in the research were all
religious-Zionist, yet they each belonged to different subsets of this
diverse group. The differences could be seen in their different attitudes
about education, modesty, and how to speak about sexuality, their style
of clothing, the different type of communities within which they dwelled
and more. They also differed in levels of flexibility regarding observance
of halacha – some of them spoke and behaved in a way that showed they
may be more flexible about certain laws, while others gave the impression
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Religious-Zionist Women’s Views on Sex Education in Israel
that they would not be flexible in any way regarding halacha.
The travel involved in order to reach the different homes of the
participants also played a role in building an understanding of the
cultural setting for the interviews and strongly contributed to the
research process. Some of the interviews were conducted in central
Israel, while others were conducted in more distant or remote places.
One interview was conducted in a yishuv that received residents evicted
from Gush Katif in 2005. The interviewee is married to a student of one
of the big yeshivot that was moved from Gush Katif to within the Green
Line. She is personally not flexible in any area of halacha. Three of the
interviews were conducted in the Shomron area. Two of these women
live in a new settlement, which consisted at the time of five families
and a few bachelors living on a hill beyond a bigger, more established
settlement. There was no established access road to their homes, but
rather an unpaved path along a cliff, with no safety fence. These two
women seemed to be very flexible about how to discuss sexuality
even though they were not flexible about practicing halacha. Another
interview was conducted in a building of 20 Jewish inhabitants located
in an otherwise solely Arab neighborhood in Eastern Jerusalem. This
interview demanded an official armed escort for the travel there and
back. Before the interview, the participant showed us the view from the
roof of her building, which included a very close view of the Dome of
the Rock on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount. This interviewee was similar to
the participants who were inflexible in halacha practice while promoting
open discussion of sexuality with adolescents.
The experience of traveling to their homes helped highlight the
women’s different ideologies and cultural expressions for the researchers.
Even though they all identify with the religious-Zionist community,
they each belong to a different subset of this group, and some of these
cultural differences are revealed by their words and in the themes that
arose in each of the interviews.
Two of the interviews were not conducted in the participants’
homes, by request of the participants themselves. One asked to meet
in the school where she works, in the teachers’ room, and at certain
points in the interview the participant had to speak quietly or discreetly
because of the intimate topics being discussed while others were nearby.
The second participant asked to meet at the university where she studies
and there was definitely a less warm, “homey” atmosphere during this
interview.
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Galit Kahane Uli & Deborah Court
Data Analysis
When analyzing the interviews, the process of grounded theory
development (Bryant and Charmaz, 2007; Merriam, 2002) was used,
as well as elements of Gilligan’s (1992) voice-centered analysis, which
allowed sensitization “to thematic patterns and the significance of
linguistic cues” (Hartman and Samet, 2007, p. 77). The strengths of the
grounded theory method are particularly appropriate for the goals of this
study. This methodology, designed to encourage persistent interaction
with data, while remaining constantly involved with emerging analyses,
enabled a firm and concrete ground for analytical investigation within
both cultural context and real-life situations. Thus, grounded theory
was not utilized to prove or disprove hypotheses but rather to generate
categories for theorizing the informants’ experiences (Bryant and
Charmaz, 2007).
While these observations can only be said to apply to the specific
group of women interviewed, we have attempted, through their voices
to illuminate the feelings of the larger population of religious-Zionist
Israeli women who have gone through similar experiences. As
a
religious-Zionist Israeli woman belonging to the participants’ world, the
main researcher tried to identify and monitor her personal biases and
observations rather than attempt to eliminate them, and to understand
how they may shape the collection and interpretation of data (Merriam,
2002).
Results
Repeated reading of the interviews revealed several recurring
words, phrases, and metaphors which helped the researchers build
categories that shed light on the research topic and questions. The
different categories were then grouped into the following major themes
that capture the participants’ past sex education and how they presently
feel about teaching this topic to religious teenage girls and brides.
Living and Teaching Halacha
Religious-Zionism tries to respond to the needs of modern times,
yet this is considered acceptable only within the boundaries of halacha
(Sosis and Ruffle, 2003).
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Religious-Zionist Women’s Views on Sex Education in Israel
The participants seemed to support this attitude, mentioning the need
for the provision of clear and indisputable halachic boundaries for
students and brides. They also discussed the feelings of failure that can
arise when women do not succeed in adhering to halacha.
Yehudit, who was raised in a big city slightly north of central Israel,
experienced a great deal of freedom as a teenager and often rebelled
against the rules and demands of her high school for tzniut (modesty).
Yet when she discusses education for tzniut she states unequivocally, “It
is necessary to remind the girl… that halacha is halacha… you explain it
like that, the way it is.”
Sarah, who was raised in a non-religious, traditional home, and
went to a liberal religious high school, discusses the issue of adherence to
halacha when talking about her future plans as a bride counselor. In the
beginning of the interview she mentioned that her bride counselor did
not teach her some of the more stringent halachot (laws) before marriage
and that this possibly made her transition into marriage easier. Yet, she is
sure that she will teach these same difficult halachot to her future brides,
hoping that if she teaches them in a sensitive, encouraging way the brides
will not have a difficult time with them. “Things can be very simple. And
one can leave her the option that if she doesn’t feel good about something, if
it causes her frustration, she should talk about it. I don’t think the halacha is
interested in us being frustrated. Definitely not.”
Sarah’s debate about sharing with future brides laws that she herself
was spared by her bride counselor, seems parallel to Gilligan’s (1990)
observance of the turning point for political resistance in adolescent girls’
lives. Gilligan discusses the “reluctance to know what one knows” (p.
256) and the fear of speaking that knowledge. Sarah deals with the same
resistance, but rather than the fear of speech, Sarah expresses the fear
of withholding information – in her case, halacha. However, a deeper
reading may indicate that providing that information is the woman’s
way of hiding behind the wall of conformity (to halacha) rather than
acknowledging the “adolescent” bride’s need for a less halachically and,
therefore, more innocent introduction to sexuality.
Like Yehudit, Sarah is also clear on the fact that halacha must be
adhered to and that this must be made clear to students and, in Sarah’s
case, brides. “This is the halacha and we adhere to halacha – just like we
don’t understand many halachot that we perform. We simply perform them.
This is also part of our life.”
Rina, a very practical, direct woman, is a teacher in a public religious
girls’ high school in central Israel, in the city where she resides. She is
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Galit Kahane Uli & Deborah Court
obviously careful about halacha on a personal level but feels differently
than Sarah and Yehudit about how to teach young brides halacha:
I really appreciated the speech by Rabbi ______.... His speech suddenly
gave me a new turn of thought; when he spoke about how important
it is the way you say things, and how sometimes what you don’t say is
more important than what you do say.
Rina’s words suggest that with certain brides, certain halachot should
not be mentioned. Possible reasons that were not explored, yet may have
been underlying in Rina’s suggestions are that certain halachot may be
too difficult, even traumatizing for some brides and that non-religious
brides should not necessarily hear about every halacha, since they won’t
automatically follow them. Moreover, the Rabbi whom Rina mentioned
stated clearly that if there is a halacha the bride most probably will not
abide by, it is better not to teach her the halacha so that she transgresses
the halacha unintentionally (shogeg) rather than knowingly (mezid).
Elisheva, raised in a religious home and the graduate of a relatively
strict religious high school, is also confused about how to teach halacha
without compromising on any rules and boundaries, while still allowing
enough space for choice and comfort. “You are taking upon yourself the
responsibility of the lives and the adherence to mitzvot (commandments) of
the couple. On the one hand, you should present a feeling of comfort; on the
other hand, you should not give a feeling of too much freedom. It is truly
about finding the balance.” It seems that Elisheva is very interested in
finding the balance but doesn’t know how, when she states, “Wow, I will
have difficulties with this.”
Ahuva, who immigrated to Israel from Ethiopia at age 12 and
works as a counselor and mentor of religious and non-religious Ethiopian
teenagers in central Israel, sheds light on the problem of teaching
students solely according to halacha: “As educators, we need to portray
the realities that are raging outside and what it is correct to do, according to
halacha, but not only according to halacha. It’s a little difficult because what
can you do about those [students] who don’t care about halacha?” Ahuva is
realistic about the fact that even if parents and educators are interested in
teaching according to halacha, not all the students are interested in living
by halacha and educators must be responsible for teaching these students
what they need to know as well.
Rebecca, who describes herself as more religious than her liberal
parents and siblings, teaches in a girls’ public religious high school in
central Israel. She introduces the difficulty of discussing different topics
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of sexuality with her students because of halachic boundaries:
I don’t know how much I would discuss with girls what happens to
adolescent boys, mainly because of the halachic problem of tzniut. I
don’t know how much we are allowed or forbidden to talk about these
things. I also don’t know if they really need to know everything [about
the changes boys go through in puberty].
What is unclear in Rebecca’s dilemma is why she doesn’t check what
is halachically permissible to discuss with unmarried female students
about male puberty rather than remaining with the above question. It is
also interesting to note that Rebecca frames this issue only as a halachic
question, and not as an educational and psychological one.
Some of the participants mentioned the feelings of failure that can
be involved when they do not succeed in adhering to halacha, especially
when discussing the trials young religious men have with sperm
ejaculation. Elisheva described the difficulty she thinks her husband
probably had before marriage: “I can say that for my husband, I believe
that the years of guarding and waiting are much harder than what we go
through.”
Karen, who was raised in a religious home but went to a liberal
religious high school where the students were much less religiously
observant than she was, shared a fairly intimate story from the time of
her engagement when her fiancée requested to not meet with her the
next day. She was very hurt by this until he spoke to her bridal counselor,
who explained to her that their meetings cause him to have feelings of
arousal and he was afraid of experiencing ejaculation as a result of these
meetings. “It’s a very, very long time, and it continues day after day. She
needed to explain to me that it isn’t good for him, that it’s difficult for him.”
Yehudit also described the difficulty the man has waiting until
marriage and assumes that most men experience forbidden ejaculation
before marriage: “The man restrained himself for a long time. He had
his downfalls, he ate his heart every time he fell.” Yehudit uses the terms
“downfall” and “to fall” when describing other acts of transgressing
halacha. For example, she shared with me the fact that she and her
husband had full sexual relations with each other prior to their marriage,
singling her out from the other participants who clearly did not experience
physical relations of any kind before marriage. Yehudit describes their
feelings on their wedding night, when they began “to regret the whole
period of time that we touched, that whole downfall.” Later she repeats, “It’s
a pity that we fell. We could have done it in a way of holiness.”
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Fine (1992) discusses the four prevalent discourses on sexuality
in the American high-school classroom: sexuality as violence, sexuality
as victimization, sexuality as individual morality, and lastly, a discourse
of desire. Yehudit’s attitude towards her pre-marital sexual relations
suggests the third discourse, sexuality as individual morality, which led
to the outlook that pre-marital sexual behavior is immoral. According to
Fine, “this discourse values women’s sexual decision making as long as
the decisions are made for premarital abstinence” (p. 35).
All of the above descriptions combine to give a general picture of
the precedence of halacha in the participants’ lives, while illuminating the
inherent difficulties in teaching students the strict boundaries of halacha
without leaving them ignorant of important information on sexuality, or
causing them unnecessary discomfort in future sexual relations.
Tzniut and Exposure: When, Where and How?
A second major theme that came up throughout the interviews
was the possible ways of teaching tzniut, with the participants focusing
on the importance of educating for creative expressions of femininity
such as song, dance, art, etc. rather than only teaching tzniut through
external expressions such as restrictions on clothing. They discussed the
fact that just as there is a time and place for modesty, there is also a time
and place for exposure.
The participants highlighted a significant issue, the possible
suppression of femininity that can be caused by the religious school
system when it focuses strictly on the dress code, discussing centimeters
(of sleeve or skirt length) and repeating certain words or phrases such as:
“Tzniut, tzniut, tzniut! [modesty]” and “Asur, asur, asur! [forbidden].”
Penina and Ziva, two of the youngest participants, live with six
other families in an unofficial settlement on a hill in the Shomron.
Being far away from the faster pace of central Israel, their life-style is
obviously different than the other participants, yet they were accepted
open-heartedly in the bridal-counseling course and their insights were
always treated respectfully and with interest.
Penina discusses her high school’s attitude to tzniut:
I remember when the Rabbi would rebuke us about three-quarter
[length] sleeves..... It disturbed me and made me feel that they are
focused on external issues. I mean, what is modest about that? I was
really against that.... First of all, it isn’t modest – why are you [a man]
even looking at me? .... No one talked about the beautiful things that
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are beyond – that the body is a good, beautiful thing and that one must
guard it. They spoke in a very superficial way that caused me to rebel
and I am not a rebellious person.
Ziva spoke even more strongly about her disgust with how
educators teach girls about tzniut, relative to the boys around them who
are not allowed to see them dressed immodestly:
Something really bothers me about that way of teaching… trying to
convince the girls to dress modestly.... For me, that way of teaching
creates the image of a rapist, in how we relate to men.... And I say to
myself, what kind of male image have we created? I mean, what kind
of perverted, messed up rapist is walking the streets trying to look at our
legs all the time?! Really, a woman needs to guard her modesty because
it’s special; it’s beautiful; it’s good.
Ziva is very critical of what Fine (1992) calls the discourse of
sexuality as violence. The students hear a discourse of sexual violence
rather than discussing the more positive aspects of sexuality, whereby it
is to be hoped that students will be less sexually active or in the case of
the educators of Ziva’s youth, the girls will dress less provocatively.
Tami, the least halachically flexible participant, living in a
community of former Gush-Katif residents, had a very hard time
discussing intimate topics. She mainly focused on her high school’s way
of teaching halacha and tzniut, which she was uncomfortable with and
even angry about, stating quite clearly, “Tzniut was a most hated topic....
The administration was so limiting, to the extreme of placing a person at
the school gate, looking for victims.” Tami longs for a teaching of modesty
that she feels is summed up by her husband’s comment to her toddler
daughter, “Cover your sweet, holy body.”
Yehudit was adamant about the exclusive focus on the external
signs of modesty – rules of dress code – in her high school.
I know about that pressure in the Ulpana (religious girls’ high school).
You wear something inappropriate and they make the biggest mistake:
“Go change! That isn’t modest!”… They need to come from a softer
standpoint… Not – “You’re not modest!” How many times did they do
that to me in the Ulpana? “Your shirt isn’t modest. Go change!” Do you
think I changed? No! They had to deal with it.
The way Yehudit’s school dealt with the external issues of
modesty did not cause her to wish to be more modest, but rather to
rebel. A few moments later, she uses a quite difficult metaphor of a light
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being turned off within her, the moment she was willing to conform
to the standards of modest dress and behavior demanded by religious
society.
I repressed [my desire to dance] because I was told, “Asur! Asur!
Asur!” and it was as if the light went out within me in this area…. I
chose to listen to the halacha and stop dancing but something within
me turned off.
Revital, a very introverted, sensitive woman, teaches Ishut in an
evening program for religious high school dropouts trying to finish their
matriculation exams and remain within a normative routine for youth
of their age. Most of these students are not religious and many of them
are or have been involved in sexual activity. Revital, therefore, obviously
needs to use her own material on tzniut and sexuality, items that are not
referred to in Eisenberg’s (1997) curriculum on Ishut. Revital’s opinion
on teaching tzniut is that educators should come “from a place that is
more embracing, more respectful.” She thinks the girls should be told that
“when you respect yourself, you dress in a way that respects yourself.” She
advises the students to “invest in yourselves, dress beautifully but in a way
that others can discover your secret – it shouldn’t be open and for sale. The
moment you cover something, it can be discovered and there is a treasure
inside.”
Karen addresses the issue of pressuring teenage girls to be externally
modest, and the negative effect this can have on their future exposure to
their husbands when it becomes permissible:
Many girls talk about the fact that it was “ground” into their minds:
“Be modest, modest, modest, modest, modest!” And now they ask us for
something else. So was it good [that we were modest], was it bad?… I
say, if we define in advance that it isn’t good and bad, but rather we
say, “This has a place and that has a place and each thing that is in its
place is good and each thing that is not in its place is not good.” That
needs to be the starting point.
Karen mentions many times throughout the interview how
important it is to remind students in an encouraging way that they will
have opportunities for healthy, happy and holy sexual experiences in the
future – “at the right place and the right time.” She gives an example of
her encouragement to a male student who complained about the trials
of forbidden sperm ejaculation:
Someone asked, “Why do I need this urge? It is uncontrollable; it just
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takes us to bad places. What do I need it for, anyway? I would give it
up – take it away from me!” …. I said to him, this [sexual arousal] has
a place; it has importance and value…. The only problem is that this
isn’t the right time. The only problem is that you need to have patience.
And it’s difficult.... One shouldn’t say it’s bad, it’s not bad.
Yehudit also mentioned a similar way of explaining to boys the
need to delay physical relations with girls: “Say to him, “Listen, this is a
good thing and a positive thing, and this is how G-d created us. He didn’t
create us this way for nothing. There is a purpose. We do need fun, good
things for us. But [G-d] gave us the time and the framework for each thing.”
The theme of tzniut and how it should be taught, that generally
arose from the different interviews can be summed up by Elisheva’s
following words:
In ulpanot, a place should be given for exposure of the body: dance
and drama, all sorts of things that can encourage a woman to feel her
femininity in a more positive way. To explain the beauty of tzniut, its
unique purpose, the uniqueness of saving yourself for your husband….
Even if I would explain that the woman arouses urges [of other men] I
would go for the positive side of this arousal – ‘You will go and arouse
your husband later on…’ Go for the positive side of the issue and the
beauty of tzniut and its uniqueness.”
Femininity and the Kedusha (holiness) of Sexuality
Tami describes what is, for her, a very disturbing part of the
religious education she received, whereby “the academic side was very
strong and at the same time you are constantly being hinted, ‘bat yisrael,
bat yisrael, bat yisrael, bat yisrael’ and go to college and build a family….
Decide! On the one hand you prepare me for being a speaker on biotechnology and on the other hand you constantly hint to me ‘bat yisrael, bat
yisrael, modesty, modesty, modesty, modesty, modesty.’” Tami feels that her
high school geared girls to male pursuits in life – academics, male roles
in the working world, etc. – rather than “giving a place for expressing your
body… among women, in a world of women.”
Tami even mentions that her admiration for her older brother, who
was a Torah scholar, caused her to swing back and forth while learning
and praying, and even, at times, to rub an imaginary beard. “I remember
the first time I discovered what women are, how strong it is, what a strength
there is, I wasn’t aware, I couldn’t believe it…. I preferred learning in batei
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midrash that were of a male style such as ______ which is more scholarly.”
Tami is essentially referring to Gilligan’s (1990) “deeply knotted dilemma
which lies at the center of women’s development… how can girls both
enter and stay outside of, be educated in and then change, what has been
for centuries a man’s world” (p. 266)? She remembers the turning point
when she suddenly recognized “what strength the woman has.... What is
the dance of a woman? It’s something totally different. It’s not the dance of
men. Stop imitating them! We have something of our own.”
Penina also mentioned the issue of girls being raised in “a very male
world”:
Everything is classified by male parameters of success. For example,
test scores and professional success. Femininity is something different –
something slower, more religious, deep, more connected with spiritual
realms. In [the school I went to] there is a lot of running after grades,
the girls really want to succeed and get good grades. And the way of
teaching is very formal; frontal classes. Feminine learning is through
discussion, togetherness, sharing experiences.
Penina shares her insight on modesty and femininity:
The woman’s body is a good thing, a beautiful thing. We shouldn’t be
ashamed of it and it is something we want to guard…. You should
feel good about yourself, that you are good, that you feel good and that
the feelings you have are good feelings. You just need to know how to
guide those feelings to the right place and the right time…. With your
husband – you are really allowed to make yourself beautiful for him,
and to dress immodestly for him and to show him things. And also with
women, you can dance with your whole body and not be ashamed.
And it’s good to be aware of your body and connect with it.
Revital described her desire to teach girls about their bodies and
about femininity from preschool age and through high school:
At preschool age, I think that, first of all we need biological knowledge
of our bodies. Not to be embarrassed, and to feel connected [to our
bodies], lovingly and happily; to instill very strongly the place of the
beauty and love of the body. At a slightly older age, the idea that “I
am covering up because there is a treasure here, there is a very great
treasure so we cover it, we don’t show it outside and that is good for
me.” Bat mitzvah – 7th grade – the biological knowledge of what is
happening to the body, the cycle of the beginning of life – a thing of
happiness. And after that, the awareness of the qualities and the good
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within me and how I treat my body…. In 11th-12th grades preparation
for a relationship with a partner, what kind of relationship we are
expecting.
The participants felt that the topic of the woman’s monthly period
should be used as a way to explain the uniqueness of being a woman.
Ziva discussed the fact that because the laws of family purity are directly
related to the woman’s monthly cycle, her period is the central focus of
the marital relationship. Ziva mentioned that during the course she was
“constantly focusing on the connection to the inner values of the woman,
what happens in her relationship, the exterior process the woman goes
through before becoming pure, before her tevilah (ritual immersion). I saw
this as parallel to what goes on in the womb, and with the ovum, and what
happens to the woman regarding emotional-hormonal processes… A certain
puzzle is created… what is family purity about, if not the monthly cycle?”
Revital stated that she appreciated how the bridal counseling
course enhanced her understanding “about the woman’s period, and the
general, constant state of renewal the woman is in. Our renewal in Judaism,
our renewal in relationships… All the life that is involved in it, the renewal
and that newfound discovery, every time.”
Rebecca uses the term “strength” many times and describes the way
she instills the ideas of femininity and feminine strength in her students’
minds:
We spoke about the strength, how much strength G-d gives us.... I think
they received a positive statement on femininity, a positive statement on
the place of guarding oneself and holiness and purity that may one day
give them a positive connotation when they meet with that “No!” that
we meet with everywhere. “This is forbidden, that is forbidden, this is
forbidden, that is forbidden.” Maybe they will have something positive
in their minds that will help them when they grow older.
Nechama, one of the obviously less halachically flexible participants,
raised in an Orthodox moshav (cooperative settlement) and a strict
religious high school, also uses the word “strength,” repeating it eight
times throughout the interview. The contexts of the woman’s strength
mentioned by Nechama are that the woman has physical strength,
“strength of life” derived from her monthly period, and that she has the
strength to attract men through her beauty. Nechama thinks that it is
important to speak positively with girls about these strengths and to help
them understand that “just as we guard a good and beautiful thing, we
should also guard ourselves.” She is interested in teaching girls to “guard”
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their strength for their future relationships with their husbands.
Ziva shares her dream of teaching girls about femininity and sexual
tension, stating that sexual tension should be given “due respect,” and
“that we tell girls, ‘This whole story of your having sexual tension – that’s
amazing! It’s because you are women and you want a man and that’s terrific!
You just need to hold on to it.’” Ziva seems to be referring to what Gilligan
(1990) describes as “the time when girls’ desire for relationships and for
knowledge comes up against the wall of Western culture” (p. 257), and,
we suggest, the wall of halachic culture as well. Ziva wants girls to feel
that it is natural, as women, to “want a man” and to encourage them to
look forward to a future legitimate relationship that can go hand in hand
with halacha.
The participants mentioned certain shocks and traumas that
religious brides may go through during the transition from being single
and celibate, as young religious women, to marriage and sexuality. The
main issues that came up were the difficulties that may be experienced
on the wedding night, “Leil Klulot” and the new halachot performed in
marriage, such as going to the mikvah [ritual immersion bath] or doing
bedikot [internal checks for menstrual purity].
Sarah used the words “difficult” and “not easy” many times regarding
the new halachot, the wedding night, and the difficulties she may have
teaching these topics to her future brides. Ahuva describes the transition
on the wedding night as “a shock” and explains that “we are talking about
a class of people who educate for complete separation [between men and
women] and that this is forbidden and that is forbidden. There are many
fences and restrictions and suddenly the topic becomes the most permissible
thing in the world. It is a drastic transition and therefore I think that bride
counseling is very important. It has a very significant role in trying to soften
the transition and make it a healthy, correct, step-by-step process. The bride
counseling can slightly remove that pressure and shock.” Elisheva discusses
the difficulty of the exposure on the wedding night: “Every religious
bride – from that tzniut, and from the ‘Asur! Asur! Asur!’ To suddenly
reach ‘the big mutar [permitted]’ – it seems a great shock to me.”
As Marmon Grumet (2008) suggests, for some young female
students, the laws of modesty may be conceived as a complete negation
of women as sexual beings, a perception that can create great difficulty in
their future marital and sexual lives. Grumet suggests that the messages
of tzniut and the methods by which this subject is transmitted must
be seriously re-examined, and it seems that Elisheva’s comments point
in the same direction. Elisheva shares that she would like to tell her
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future brides, “I would let the first days just be for flowing together… So she
will really feel good about herself… To give a feeling of comfort and not of
massive pressure that that night she must [have sexual intercourse], even if it’s
the worst thing in the world for her now.” Elisheva further states that “from
what I hear and experience, the real difficulty exists in all those nitpicking
bedikot, in being exposed naked before the balanit [the woman who presides
over the ritual immersion] at the mikvah.” Elisheva’s references to the
woman’s body are mentioned by Bordo (1993), who states that “our
bodies are trained, shaped, and impressed with the stamp of prevailing
historical forms of selfhood, desire, masculinity, femininity” (p. 165,
166). She touches on the element of physical intrusiveness of the bedikot
that is mentioned by Hartman and Marmon (2004).
Yehudit also mentions the Leil Klulot, remembering the fact that she
had pre-marital sex with her husband and that “that gradual progression
definitely made it easier for us. I’m trying to think about haredi [ultrareligious] girls who go into a physical relationship like that [immediately on
the first night] and it’s very scary. It can also be very traumatic.”
Karen also mentioned the words fear and trauma regarding the Leil
Klulot, specifically regarding brides who never received correct instruction
about sex and the wedding night. “There may be some girls that it’s really
traumatic [for them]. I have friends that are really traumatized. One was
really traumatized at the wedding itself. She told me two months later, that
she had no idea what was going to happen when the wedding would end and
she was afraid of it – the fear of death.”
Rina, practical as always, suggests open discourse between the
engaged couple before the wedding night so as to ease the transition
from celibacy to sexual activity:
We [Rina and her fiancée] had some very open discussions – even too
open – before our wedding about all the halachic issues as well as about
the wedding night. We simply came to that night knowing exactly what
we wanted, knowing where we were going. I think that that made me
very calm and things were different because of that…. I know someone
whose husband didn’t study correctly before marriage …. They didn’t
discuss anything in advance because they were too dosim [unwilling to
be flexible in halacha observance], they reached the wedding night and
everything exploded. I am against that…. But I don’t know, I never
asked a Rabbi if that is really the correct thing to do.
As certain as Rina is that it is better for the couple to plan the
wedding night together she still voices the worry that maybe a Rabbi
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would not approve, meaning maybe halacha does not approve of such
discussions before marriage.
Rebecca raises a disturbing issue, admitting that she always thought
“probably like every other person, that sex is completely permissible but
the less the better.” She explains that the bridal counseling course taught
her that marital sex is “the mitzvah of utmost importance.” She even
mentions the change she personally underwent, recognizing how central
sexuality is to her marriage and that when sex is “lacking, it causes many
other emotional problems” in the relationship.
Opportunities for Discourse on Intimacy, Sex, and New Experiences
There seemed to be some ambivalence regarding how parents and
educators should talk to children. It was clearly hard for the participants
to find a balance between the desire to maintain children’s innocence
and the necessity to discuss sexuality openly with children, since they are
widely exposed to this topic through the media. The participants voiced
the importance of speaking more openly with students, yet sometimes
hinted or even stated openly that discussing sexuality may be dangerous
and may possibly kindle promiscuity among teenagers.
This ambivalence was most noticeable in Yehudit’s and Sarah’s
interviews. When discussing the fact that many educators prefer keeping
silent about sexuality in order to preserve modesty and innocence,
Yehudit says quite clearly, “Terrible! Terrible! They will try to find out
about it on their own…They think about it, you can’t prevent that.
Total mistake.” A few moments later when asked about discussing
physical relations between men and women she contradicts her former
words, saying, “Look, you need to be careful not to give them an opening
[for promiscuity]. You can’t come to a girl and say, ‘Physical relations are
wonderful! But save it for after your marriage.’ She’ll want to find out what
is wonderful now.”
Further on in the interview, when asked about the possibility of
discussing sexuality in 11th and 12th grade classrooms, Yehudit says, “You
need to be careful not to give her an opening.” Suddenly an attitude that
was defined as “terrible!” and a “total mistake” may be relevant to certain
topics that Yehudit is unsure whether or not they can be discussed in the
classroom.
Sarah states at one point, “I wouldn’t just talk with them about sex
and different kinds of sexual behavior… there needs to be a balance. And I’m
trying to think, where is the higher price paid? If we don’t talk, then what?”
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She continues later on, “How much should one talk, how much can you
expand on each topic?... One can always say, ‘The question you asked is a
very good one and I really want to answer. Either we will discuss it privately
or’ – I don’t know if it is correct to say, ‘This is not the time to answer you.’”
Sarah thus deals with the dilemma by avoiding answering the student
or by not answering her in a public setting, before the entire classroom.
Elisheva consistently opposes these ambivalent attitudes:
I don’t agree… They [the students] won’t deal with [sexuality] less.
It is a topic that pops up, comes up all the time. That sexual tension
between women and men can’t be ignored. It exists all the time, and is
present. If we don’t talk about it, it will simply be [handled] unwisely,
conclusions will be deduced independently and there won’t be any kind
of mediation and understanding of the issue. Each one will just think
about what he or she saw. This is really not correct in my eyes. It’s
important to talk, it’s important to explain things. And even if it seems
that they know, you still need to talk....
When asked which topics should be discussed in the classroom
Elisheva answers unhesitatingly: “Tzniut, femininity, attraction between
men and women…. To explain to girls about the male system, the sexual
male system…. What is forbidden, why the prohibition exists; that boys are
going in circles around this topic. They [the girls] should know this exists
there.”
Elisheva states that she thinks these topics are either not talked
about in the classroom or they are talked about “but not in the right
way…. They talk only about what is forbidden.” Elisheva thinks that the
reason teachers don’t teach these topics is because they are embarrassed,
and sympathizes with them, saying,
“I know that it also won’t be easy for me.… Maybe this is the reason
that it’s important to start talking with your child about these things at
a young age. To open this channel at a young age already and slowly,
slowly, release it… It’s important that programs should exist so that
the teacher can come and have a little bit of direction what to say and
how to say it… Because it really isn’t easy. There is embarrassment
surrounding this issue… there really is a certain modesty that is good
for this topic, but one needs to know how to talk about it in a modest
way as well as in an open way.”
Revital says that many adult educators avoid discussing sexuality
because of fear.
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The avoidance of people who are embarrassed by it, and don’t know
how to talk about it and to contain it. And fear exposing children,
that the children will be exposed and then what? So they’ll be exposed
anyway, the question is will they be exposed to it [sexuality] in a
healthy, good way and will they be given the tools to know the right
way so they won’t need to go look [for answers] in strange fields. Today
there are so many means, on the internet you can get anything you
want. They will have natural curiosity, it’s very strong, a person can’t
wait until you tell him or her, before getting married…. You have the
option of [telling them] from a healthy, lively, happy place, why not do
it? Why let them go and look for it in a modest, hidden way, which isn’t
really modest and is twisted.
Gilligan (1990) treats the topic of the responsibility of women for
girls’ education, mentioning two essential questions mothers and female
teachers should ask themselves: “Where am I in relation to the tradition
which I am practicing and teaching?” and, “Where am I in relation to
girls, the next generation of women?”
Rina shared the discussions she had with her students about their
bodies and getting their period, and that she was surprised by reactions
she received from other teachers:
Teachers in the teachers room who heard that I taught my students
about their period – they’re in seventh grade – looked at me [shocked],
“What, are you a nurse?!” I said “No, but I’m like their mother so
maybe they should hear it from somebody?!”
It seems that the teachers in Rina’s school, unlike Rina herself, are
not willing to face the questions Gilligan raises above.
Rina is very critical in general about sex-education programs for
religious girls in ulpanot:
In ulpanot there is absolutely no preparation. They learn Ishut and
Family Life and there is nothing mentioned or even partially mentioned
about what goes on in their bodies…. I think that they get a lot from the
internet – the fact that they don’t get the information causes them to get
it through the back door…. When they are taught about Family Life,
what are they told? Look at the book on Ishut! Ketubah (Jewish marriage
contract), what he owes her, what she owes him… Really! Did anyone
talk to her about healthy relationships? What goes on in her body? What
does being married mean? Nothing! In my opinion the first source a
religious girl hears from is her bridal counselor and that’s a big problem.
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Rebecca thinks one should be open with students about sexuality,
except with regard to teaching high school girls about female arousal and
satisfaction:
I don’t think it [sexual arousal and satisfaction] interests a young
woman at this stage. It interests women, it’s more of an interest to
women who already experienced [sexual relations].
What is strange in Rebecca’s absolute confidence that teenage
women are not interested in learning about sexual arousal is that she
separates this topic from the general topic of sexuality, feeling that
you need to be open about sexuality so that the students receive facts
and truths, but you shouldn’t speak at all about female sexual arousal,
because celibate women are not at all interested in this topic. Rebecca’s
view leaves many unanswered questions, such as: What other topics
which are relevant to sexuality should not be discussed in the classroom
for the same reason – disinterest of the students? Is it possible that there
are teenage students interested in learning about sexual arousal, and how
will they get that information? When and how will the other students
receive that information when they need it?
This is discussed by Fine (1992), when she mentions the almost
complete lack of discourse on female desire in the classroom, and by
Fine and McClelland (2006), who argue that “sexuality education is the
only academic content area that is taught as if the knowledge gained in
the classroom is meant to exclusively serve the young person’s present
situation” (p. 328). In Rebecca’s case, general sex education is important
despite the fact that she expects her students not to be sexually active
today. However, with reference to female arousal and satisfaction,
Rebecca does not deal with Fine and McClelland’s participant, who
voiced the worry: “But, when I am ready, where will I learn… about
what might feel good for me? Where will I learn about sexuality after
high school? Will it magically happen when I marry?” (p. 328).
All of the participants clearly stated that bride counselors must
be completely open with brides about sexuality and sexual intercourse.
Most of them felt that discourse on these topics will be fairly limited with
high-school students and unmarried women, but that before marriage
they must be taught these topics in detail.
Karen stated clearly that in her eyes “the most important thing is the
counselling you receive” as a bride before marriage. Later in the interview I
asked her if she thinks the bride counselor “can talk about everything,” and
she corrected me, saying the bride counselor “must talk about everything.”
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When Nechama was asked if she thinks bride counselors should
talk about sexual arousal and satisfaction for the woman, she said,
“During bride counseling, definitely…yes, yes we should talk… The moment
we succeed in talking from a beautiful place, from a holy place, then we can
talk about [sexual arousal and satisfaction]… it is important.”
Yehudit said that everyone wants knowledge – those who have
previous knowledge and those who lack it. She mentioned that although
she had already had sexual relations with her fiancée, “I was really yearning
for instruction…. The fact that we were together doesn’t mean that I don’t
want to hear the Torah instruction on this topic.... In the beginning of the
year, in our bridal counseling courses, when they told us that many counselors
don’t talk about this topic, and that it isn’t good, I immediately agreed.”
Elisheva spoke very firmly about the need women have for a
place to talk about their sexuality and new experiences after marriage.
When discussing the transition a religious bride goes through when she
gets married, she stated, “There is no one to talk to, there is no one you can
tell… The bride counseling doesn’t always provide. No one talks about it.”
Elisheva mentioned that she mainly joined the bride-counseling
course to learn about “sexual relations – what is allowed, what is prohibited,
all those things. It was very important to me to hear about it. To understand
it better. To find a place to talk a little about it. This topic was very loaded
for me and it really gave me a release when we talked about it in the course.”
Later on she mentioned again, “I didn’t feel that I had a place to talk about
[sexuality] with someone…. This year [in the bride counseling course] really
gave me a lot. I feel much more complete with it.”
The participants’ descriptions of the education they received for
modesty, their experiences when transitioning from celibacy to sexuality,
their first impressions of family purity laws and their future plans for
teaching brides and students about modesty and sexuality, give a strong
framework from which to understand the existing treatment of sexuality
education in religious girls’ schools, and a foundation for considering
a new and different approach to teaching girls about modesty, their
bodies, femininity, and sexuality within the world of halacha.
Discussion
Family life is a central topic in the spiritual and practical way of
life of traditional Jews. The importance of passing on the halacha and
traditions from generation to generation, the major commandment of
having children (pirya verivya), and the Jewish nation’s fight for survival
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Religious-Zionist Women’s Views on Sex Education in Israel
throughout the ages, have strongly highlighted the centrality of marriage
and raising a family within the Jewish life experience.
It may be assumed that on a cultural level, the laws of family
purity and the guarding of tzniut have been a means of protecting the
family and of encouraging a strong marital relationship in order to have
children and strengthen shlom bayit (peace within the home), which is
considered, by many of those who follow these commandments, to be
a kind of spiritual “glue” that strengthens the family and keeps it whole
and complete (Neriah, 1989).
This idea is manifest in the laws of tzniut that are relevant to both
men and women, yet are stressed, in practice, mainly through numerous
restrictions on women’s clothing as well as public behavior before
men, such as singing and dancing, and even speeches and theatrical
performances by women, in more haredi [ultra-religious] groups.
It would seem that these halachot are meant to create a separation
between non-married men and women, in order to delay sexual
attraction and behaviors until marriage (Aviner, 2005). This situation
leads many young men and women within the religious sector to marry
at a relatively young age in comparison with the secular population,
wherein one can experience and satisfy sexual needs at a very early age,
with a number of partners, for many years.
The laws of family purity may also exist, in part, to strengthen
the marital bond by offering renewal and refreshment within the
relationship. The feeling of longing for and missing each other during the
period of separation, as well as the excitement at being brought together
again may intensify the emotional stability and sexual satisfaction of
the connection, thus strengthening the love between the husband and
wife, who are allowed to have intimate relations exclusively within their
marriage, and not with any other person (Knohl, 2005).
It would seem that despite the fact that the laws of modesty and
family purity are so central to religious life throughout the different
stages in the lifecycle, formal sex-education for girls is a topic that
arouses much conflict and ambivalence, both among religious educators
and leaders and the young Israeli women who participated in the current
research. Raised within the religious school system, they are planning
on becoming agents of socialization as bridal counselors and teachers to
adolescent religious-Zionist girls and women, who are commanded by
Jewish law and expected by their parents, teachers and peers to remain
celibate until marriage, and to adhere to strict laws of modesty in dress
before and after marriage, as well as laws of sexual purity after marriage.
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These topics are taught very minimally within religious high
schools. The teaching of tzniut focuses mainly on the girls’ dress code,
rather than on the importance of following the laws of tzniut in order to
enhance future marital relationships and to strengthen the image of the
Jewish woman as a spiritual and feminine being, both within the family
framework and within the Jewish community in general.
A study of the Family Life matriculation program taught in 12th
grade for Israeli religious girls, shows that the actual laws of family purity
are barely discussed in the program, with no reference to the connection
between the laws of family purity and their strengthening of marital
relations. There is also no preparation given to the students regarding the
new laws and experiences they will undergo when they marry, at a time
that may be as close as a year or two (and for some girls, even less) after
they graduate from high school.
Religious girls from elementary through high school age may learn
a wide variety of halachot on many different topics (some more relevant
to them now or later, than others). Yet, an in-depth study of the laws of
modesty, which are especially relevant to women, and the intricate laws
of taharat hamishpacha, which will strongly affect their day-to-day lives
after marriage, receive a very small place in the educational and moral
learning program for girls, if they are discussed at all. The fact that there
is no clear consensus on these laws, especially those pertaining to the
dress code, in the religious-Zionist school system, may serve to confuse
young religious women even more, both while in high school and when
transitioning into marriage and sexuality.
Marriage as Dramatic Transition from Complete Celibacy to Full
Sexuality
The turning point in girls’ lives at the time of adolescence, observed
by Gilligan (1990) as “the time when girls’ desire for relationships and
for knowledge comes up against the wall of Western culture” (p. 257),
is strongly portrayed in the current research in the descriptions of the
participants’ personal experiences in their past transition from celibacy
to sexuality and in their views on the current methods of teaching
modesty and sexuality in Orthodox schools.
The participants discussed three major issues that strongly affect
the transition religious brides experience on their wedding night and
through the initial stages of marriage. The first major change brides
undergo during the weeks prior to the wedding is their introduction to
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Religious-Zionist Women’s Views on Sex Education in Israel
new laws of family purity, that they were either unaware of previously
or were aware of, but had never dealt with on a practical level. The
participants focused mainly on the inner vaginal checks required at the
end of the monthly period, in order to ascertain whether or not the
woman is completely pure, and on the laws of ritual immersion.
The second change brides undergo is that of revealing their bodies
before their husbands, which seems a contradiction to the need for
modesty they were raised to revere. The participants voiced the worry
that some Orthodox brides will have difficulty exposing themselves
“immodestly” in front of their husbands, with some of the participants
describing explicitly their personal hardships exposing themselves before
their husbands or experiences they heard about from other women. The
relatively long years of being told to cover their bodies, without any
mention of opportunities where being uncovered can be considered
positive, may cause young women to be locked in the outlook that any
revelation whatsoever is negative and unholy.
The last, and what may be considered biggest change the bride
undergoes, is sexual intercourse. Participants spoke about the extreme
transition from absolute avoidance of any intimate contact with a man
to sudden and full sexual intercourse. They described the feelings of guilt
and impurity, inseparable from the seeming contradiction between their
own sexual desire and satisfaction and lifelong education for modesty
and sexual restraint. One participant specifically mentioned discomfort
with her husband’s frequent arousal, which was, in her mind, opposed
to her image of him as a Torah scholar.
Learning about Sexuality from a Torah Perspective: New Impressions
of Past Experiences
The participants expressed many qualms about the way the topic
of tzniut is taught to girls in ulpanot and religious high schools today.
They disagree – some of them very strongly – with the way educators
treat the topic of tzniut, claiming that these institutions often depress
the students’ femininity, leading them to a low self image of their bodies
and to future hesitation and even fear of exposure and sexuality, which
were presented to them in high school as immodest and wrong.
A standard ulpana student may be sent home time and again to
change out of a shirt or skirt that is “immodest,” yet will not receive any
instruction as to the possibility that the laws of tzniut may positively
affect her image as a woman, as well as her future relationship with her
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husband. That same student may ask “provocative” questions about
sexuality, contraception and pregnancy, homosexuality, and more, and
be reprimanded for expressing “immodest” remarks, thus remaining with
no positive impression of the possibility that the laws of family purity
may be effective in promoting a strong, healthy marital relationship and
family unit, such as the one which she wishes to build in the future.
At one and the same time, the participants seem to come up
against the wall of their own personal interpretations of halacha, as well
as the difficulties of teaching halacha within the complex framework
of the differences of opinion among halachic commentators, whereby
the participants felt that certain topics should not be discussed in the
classroom because of the possible transgression of laws of modesty.
Some of the major topics that came up that the participants were unsure
about were how to speak (or whether to speak at all) with adolescent
girls about the parallel development of adolescent boys; whether or not
to encourage engaged couples to plan their future sexual encounters on
the first night (or nights) after marriage; which of the halachot must be
taught to young brides and which can be avoided, so as to lower levels of
tension and discomfort for the bride and the couple.
The participants did not seem to have clear answers about whether
their interpretations of halacha are correct or not. Some of them are
already teaching adolescent daughters and/or students, they are all
planning on teaching brides in the future, and yet they still have not
found relevant halachic materials or asked appropriate religious leaders
in order to get answers to questions about: Which topics may or may
not be discussed? At what age/stage in life (of the student) can the
different topics be approached? How can we make sure to give students
the information they need before marriage, pertaining specifically to the
topics that halacha presumably permits us to discuss in the classroom?
The participants describe current realities in the religious school
system, whereby there is no formal discourse on sexuality and not even
minimal instruction for girls about their bodies, the inherent differences
between men and women (including within sexual relationships), the
monthly period, and fertility. If there is any instruction, it is usually
through exposure to the media, as is also noted in several studies (Aviner,
1991, 2004; Fine and McClelland, 2006; Hartman and Samet, 2007),
which presents a view of sexuality that is far from the expectations
and demands of the Torah and halachic world; or instruction is given
informally by bnei akivah youth group counselors, who are themselves
adolescents who received no formal instruction on sexuality
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Religious-Zionist Women’s Views on Sex Education in Israel
Hartman and Samet (2007) discuss the general policy of most
religious authorities in the Israeli religious school system, which is to
discourage discussion of sexuality in the classroom. While none of
the participants seemed to condone this policy, three of them hinted
or even stated openly that discussing sexuality can be dangerous and
possibly kindle promiscuity within teenagers. It almost seemed as if
these participants were interested both in talking and not talking about
sexuality in the classroom at one and the same time, suggesting either to
avoid answering the students’ questions or to answer them in a private
setting, and not before the entire classroom.
The participants who consistently opposed the approach that prefers
preserving adolescents’ innocence to speaking openly about sexuality
seemed to base their opposition mainly on the fact that adolescents are
already exposed to sexuality through media and popular culture, and
that if they don’t hear about this topic from their parents and teachers,
they will remain influenced only by the inadequate “instruction” they
received informally and will be totally unprepared for future sexual
relations with their husbands.
One may ask if in a world essentially unexposed to popular media
– such as small, extreme sectors of the haredi [ultra-orthodox] world, for
example – there is no need for instruction and counseling on sexuality
and the female body, which can significantly ease the transition from
celibacy to sexuality and lead to a positive, healthy outlook on future
sexuality and observance of family purity laws. It is possible that the
participants’ expressed opinion that students should be formally taught
about sexuality, since they are exposed to it anyway through the media,
is an approach that gives educators more confidence about discussing
sexuality. In this way, sexuality is taught not because it ideally should
be, but because there is no choice. In any case, according to this study’s
participants, it is a definite necessity.
The participants may assume that most of the students in the
religious school system are not sexually active, yet they are all aware
of the fact that if women do not receive information and instruction
on sexuality in high school or from a good bridal counselor, they are
bound to experience much difficulty on their wedding night and with
sexuality and post-marital halachot later on, a worry parallel to Fine
and McClelland’s (2006) findings, whereby students they interviewed
were unsure where they would get information about contraception and
sexual satisfaction when they become sexually active in the future.
The participants’ experiences and opinions seem to be pointing
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at a destructive, never-ending circle of silence on sexuality. Sexuality is
not discussed so as not to expose students to topics that are considered
immodest, leading to negative ways of dealing with sexuality through
alternative channels of information, which are definitely not accepted
in the world of halacha. This circle intensifies when students marry (or
engage in sexual intercourse before marriage), and judge their sexual
behaviors to be immodest. Such an attitude may lead to feelings of
guilt, lack of sexual satisfaction, and even sexual dysfunction, disrupting
positive, healthy relations with their husbands.
This phenomenon may begin at a very young age, if parents and
educators give a negative, intimidating message regarding sexual organs.
One of the participants described her experiences with her toddler son,
whom she forbade to touch his penis in the bath. She further stated that
with girls there is less of an issue because “girls don’t have anything.” Such
an attitude – as well as general rebukes about modesty such as “That isn’t
nice,” “That isn’t good,” “That is immodest,” or “That is forbidden!” – may
lead girls to remain completely ignorant of and unconnected with their
vaginal area. In later years, when entering marriage and beginning to have
sexual experiences, brides are instructed to do internal vaginal checks
and to allow penetration during intercourse with their husbands, which
can subsequently be extremely intimidating and even traumatizing.
Ahuva: A Special Case, a Different Language
Ahuva’s interview very obviously represents a special case,
completely different from the other participants’ experiences, in that
Ahuva seems to be living the dual reality of a young religious Israeli
woman and as an inherent part of the immigrant Ethiopian community
at the same time.
On a methodological level, it is hard to define Ahuva’s experience
as within the same context as the other participants. The phenomenon
she describes as an Ethiopian immigrant during adolescence, and joining
the religious-Zionist Israeli sector in adulthood, distinguishes her from
the other participants and reveals new and complicated aspects of
femininity, sexuality, and the instruction of these topics in the EthiopianIsraeli community.
Her insights on the experiences she went through as an adolescent
and as a newly married woman shed a special light on the topic of sex
education in the new Ethiopian community, that needs to be treated
simultaneously when building a general sex education program for
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Religious-Zionist Women’s Views on Sex Education in Israel
religious girls.
The first milestone in Ahuva’s life that clearly sets her apart from
the other participants is the moment she first got her period. Jewish
Ethiopian tradition considers all menstruating women impure.
Therefore, they need to be separated from the rest of the community
during menstruation (Weil, 2004). Ahuva describes a reality where
menstruation is so taboo that when experiencing her period for the first
time, the Ethiopian adolescent may be completely on her own:
I can tell you that in our family, and in the [Ethiopian] community,
in general, nobody talks about this topic… I think it’s very important
not to let girls grow up in the same situation I did because it’s very
important that the mother strengthen her daughter and explains that
it is a healthy process, that it’s o.k., that she encourages them.
When asked whether she shared with her mother that she got her
period her succinct answer was: “No, nothing. You really hide it, you feel
like there’s something forbidden. It’s forbidden to talk about it, and it’s not
modest… I used [pads] in the most sterile way possible, not to leave any
evidence, not to leave anything.”
The next important stage in Ahuva’s life was when she had to
choose a husband and felt that she wanted to do things differently than
what is accepted in her community and family:
I want to be a different woman, I want to build myself and my life….
I had this kind of tick in my mind that there’s no chance I’m marrying
an Ethiopian. The type of Ethiopian husband that I knew was engraved
in my mind, and I said there’s no chance that I’ll find someone who
will read me and understand me correctly.
Ahuva describes her need to rebel against traditional Ethiopian
family structures, as discussed by Fenster (1998), who researched “the
loss of authority experienced by men relative to women” in the Ethiopian
community in Israel. Ahuva did end up finding an Ethiopian man whose
attitude was attuned to hers, yet she is consistent when she advises young
Ethiopian women to “try and suit the mold of life here and to build family
life that is suitable to here and not to copy the mold they were raised in.”
Jewish tradition in Ethiopia demands that after giving birth, a
woman must move away from her family to separate small huts until
ritual purification (Friedman, 1989). Ahuva describes the traumatic
experience she went through after giving birth to her first daughter:
You aren’t allowed to leave the house and you have to say hello to
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everyone who comes and you are impure, impure! I will never forget
on Friday evening, for me it was really traumatic… I got ready like
everyone else and came to the Shabbat table and my father-in-law
went crazy, “There is Kiddush here, holy Shabbat bread, go back to
your room!” it was really terrible… so I went back to my room and
my husband went to the kitchen, brought bread and wine, came into
the room and we sat together and sang and made Kiddush… At the
end of that Shabbat my father-in-law said, “I saw something beautiful
here… your togetherness is beautiful.”
Ahuva’s experiences, which were so eloquently related in her
interview, helped to enhance the fact that beyond the questions and
issues that arise from the general interviews about sex education for
religious women in Israel, there are separate issues and educational
dilemmas unique to the Ethiopian community that need to be dealt
with in order to promote the well-being and happiness of the young men
and women growing up with dual cultures and values.
Sexuality and Family Life Education: A New Approach
Despite the obvious difficulties in finding solutions to some of the
major conflicts that arise within this topic, the women who participated
in the current research are interested in portraying modesty, relationships,
and sexuality in a more original and positive light than the methods that
were used when they were students or that are currently being used in
the religious school system.
Regarding tzniut, they voiced expectations of teaching modesty
first and foremost through the acknowledgement of places for exposure,
treating tzniut as one side of a two sided coin – the second side being
exposure. This means that there are places where modesty is appropriate,
correct, positive and healthy, and in those places exposure is forbidden
and destructive. Yet in other places, such as educating young women
for healthy, positive exposure within their future marital relationships,
an area that is most difficult to discuss in a classroom forum, exposure
is correct and even demanded, healthy, and holy, and in these places
modesty may be destructive and contradictory to the holiness of marital
relations and healthy femininity.
In order to promote a positive outlook on sexuality and exposure
of the body after marriage, the participants unanimously voiced a need
for teaching modesty through positive messages to students such as:
expressing your femininity as much as you desire in acceptable contexts,
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discussing the fact that modesty is correct in certain settings while in
other settings, exposure is the more correct expression of femininity.
HaCohen (1993), who generally poses a very conservative approach
to Orthodoxy and education, nevertheless voices the need to provide
adolescent girls with tools that will enable them to learn and choose their
own outlook on sexuality and modesty.
Bordo’s (1993) description of female bodies’ subjection to external
regulation was voiced by the participants in the current research regarding
both the treatment of the dress code and tzniut within Orthodox high
schools, as well as the difficulties arising at the transition into marriage,
when Jewish Orthodox women are expected to adhere to a new set of laws
pertaining to their bodies, specifically those of the bedikot that must be
observed as part of the laws of purity within the sexual relationship. The
participants expressed the importance of teaching the laws of tzniut and
purity in a loving, sensitive way so as to help students and brides adhere
to the laws through free choice, rather than docility and subjection.
The participants all voiced the need for a sex education program
that promotes adolescents’ awareness of the beauty and positivity of
their femininity as well as the holiness and goodness of future sexual
relations with their husbands, “at the right time and the right place.”
They unanimously agreed that because not all topics can be discussed
explicitly in high school, the bride counseling classes young women
receive before marriage are critical to promoting their well-being and
happiness in sexuality and in the new halachot they will adhere to after
marriage.
The obvious conclusions are that the Israeli Orthodox school
system must work on providing a sex education program that is suitable
to the demands and restrictions of Jewish Orthodox education, while
also promoting the future well-being of students when they begin
experiencing sexual relations. It may be assumed that each and every
one of the participants would expect direct Rabbinic approval and
accompaniment when building such a program, since they all voiced
in different contexts the importance of adherence to halacha, both in
teaching sexuality and in day-to-day issues that were discussed in the
interviews.
The women who participated in the research helped to shed light
on a very intimate topic that is usually kept concealed in the religious
world. That concealment, seemingly necessary to preserving modesty,
can potentially cause ultimate damage to building healthy sexuality and
family relations, so central to Jewish life and tradition. These women’s
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insights as to discussing sexuality more openly and promoting positive,
healthy femininity within the halachic framework of tzniut and family
purity, may possibly be the foundation for a new approach on sexuality
and family life education for religious girls.
An important factor that should be researched in this field is the
male experience parallel to the female experience portrayed in this
research. It is necessary to discover the views, feelings and experiences
of young religious-Zionist married men, and how the existing sexeducation programs for orthodox adolescent boys can be improved.
The contributions of the current research are far-reaching, in
that the topic discussed has received very little academic attention in
the past. Despite the fact that the relatively new curriculum on Family
Life Education (Cherka-Yodkovitchk, 2005) is comprehensive and
far-reaching, formal sexuality education in the religious world has
undergone very few changes over the years. Research such as the current
study can shed light on women’s needs and views, and this can inform
future curriculum work.
As members of the Jewish religious-Zionist community in Israel,
we cannot deny that our own personal questions disturbed us enough
to begin pursuing this research, but the greatest motivation that led us
through interviews, analysis, and conclusions was the desire to make a
difference for our daughters, our students, and the next generation of
young women embarking on a new and beautiful chapter in their lives:
adult femininity and healthy sexuality and purity.
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