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Personal Growth...
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A Newsletter for All Staff
Volume 4, Issue 3
COMMUNICATION… WHAT’S YOUR STYLE?
May 2009
Editor-in-Chief: Mary Myers Dunlap, MAEd, RN
BEHAVIORAL OBJECTIVES
AFTER
READING THIS NEWSLETTER THE
LEARNER WILL BE ABLE TO:
1.
Describe the basic styles of passive, aggressive,
passive-aggressive and assertive communication.
2.
vary depending on the situation, and who you are talking to.
For example, you likely have a different style of
communication with your boss than you do with your
friends. All communication styles have some usefulness
and can, at different times, be appropriate. But, in today’s
American western culture, particularly in business settings,
an assertive communication style is preferred. And,
thankfully, we all have the capacity to learn new ways of
communicating and to change our style.
Describe two examples of statements characteristic
WHAT ARE THE Differences?
of each communication style.
Your co-worker says something that hurts your feelings.
How you respond may determine your communication style,
as well as influence your relationship and effectiveness in
performing your job. Do you…




say nothing and hope it doesn't happen again?
tell your co-worker that you felt hurt by what was said?
say nothing, but complain to other?
plan something hurtful to say back?
Each person communicates in a style that is likely to
dominate his or her interactions with
others. Communication styles are
learned early in life and practiced
over and over. The community we
grow up in, and especially our
families, provide the models or rules
for determining which communication
style will be rewarded or “work."
When growing up, if being direct
brought displeasure or an angry response, you most likely
learned not to express your opinions or needs so you
wouldn’t “make waves.” Therefore, as an adult your
predominant communication style is likely passive.
Individuals, who grew up in an environment where angry
and aggressive outbursts were part of day-to-day
interactions, are also likely to demonstrate this
communication style. If your opinions were valued and you
felt understood and heard as a child, your communication
style, today, is likely assertive.
This newsletter will describe the basic styles of passive,
aggressive, and assertive communication. Differences in
these communication styles will be discussed, as well as
characteristics and examples of each.
COMMUNICATION STYLES
We all have a learned communication style which is
used most often. However, your communication style may
A passive communication style is an indirect, inhibited
and dishonest pattern of relating to others. Passive
communicators fail to express honest feelings, thoughts,
and beliefs, or express them in such an apologetic way that
others can easily disregard them. For example, the passive
communicator may have no problem waiting to talk to a
supervisor when another co-worker interrupts, even though
they had an appointment and have been waiting a long
time. Or, when requesting help they my say, "I’m so sorry to
bother you. If it‘s not too much trouble would you help me
pull up Mr. Giles in bed. If you‘re too
busy, don‘t worry about it.”
Other passive statements may include:




"It‘s okay. I can do it myself."
"You’re right. It‘s all my fault."
“I’m sorry I made you angry.”
“I don‘t have anything important to say.”
The major goal of passive communicators is to avoid
hassles, conflicts and the disapproval of others. They are
most concerned with being liked and accepted and tend to
say “yes” to most requests. They typically agree to an
undesirable request or situation for the sake of "keeping the
peace". Or they may simply smile, nod and keep quiet,
rather than expressing dissatisfaction.
The general attitude conveyed by passive persons is that
they are less important than other people. It creates a losewin situation because the passive person believes that his
or her own needs are secondary and chooses to be a
victim. It permits others, intentionally or unintentionally, to
violate the passive person’s rights.
Passive communication may be appropriate if a person
feels more time is needed to process what has been said
before speaking. Or a person may choose not to “fight that
battle” and let a perceived wrong go. Perhaps it is just not
worth it, at that particular time or place, to even respond.
For example, if the steak you ordered is not cooked
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perfectly to your liking, but it’s okay, you may decide to say
nothing. Another time, you may choose to send it back.
An aggressive communication style is generally a direct,
overbearing, and disrespectful way of relating to others.
Aggressive persons express their thoughts, feelings, and
beliefs in ways that humiliate, degrade, belittle, or
overpower the other person. These
typically use bullying tactics and
make others feel inferior to them.
Little or no respect is shown for the
needs or feelings of others. And, the
goal of aggressive communication is
a win-lose interaction - the aggressor
wins, the other person losses.
clear?"; "How do you see this situation?" Asking for
feedback helps correct any misperceptions.
With this style of communication, if assertive persons
do not feel they are being heard, they will repeat their
response, rather than raising their voice. This technique
is called the “broken record”, and involves restating your
position calmly, over and over, until you are heard. “I
feel…”; “Again, like I said, I feel…”; “Yes and I feel…”,
“As I said, I feel...” .
COMMUNICATION Style PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ASSERTIVE Implications to Others My feelings
aren’t
important.
I don’t matter.
I’m inferior.
I’ll let others
choose.
Your feelings
are not
important.
You don't
matter.
I'm superior,
so I’ll chose
for others.
We are both
Important,
including our
feelings.
We both
matter.
I’ll choose for
myself.
Examples of aggressive statements may include:




"You’re never on time!"
"Why did you do it like that?"
"You don’t know what you’re doing."
“Why are you interrupting me?”
A passive-aggressive communication style is what it
says, communicating passively, as well as aggressively at
the same time. Many passive individuals end up feeling
resentful and may then become aggressive, a passiveaggressive communication style – “Well, since you’re not
willing to help, it’ll just have to be done later.” This style of
communication is indirect and contains messages that are
driven by negative emotions, maliciousness or are
otherwise intended to attack someone.
Verbal Tone Non‐Verbal Tone Examples of passive -aggressive statements may include:
 "Go with your friends and have fun. I'll be fine."
 "That's okay if you go to lunch then. I don’t usually
have time for a beak anyway.”
 "I told her not to get me a birthday gift, and she really
didn’t. I’ll remember that!"
An assertive communication style is characterized by
honesty, self-respect and straight-forwardness. Assertive
communicators express their opinions and ideas, and stand
up for themselves, without infringing on the rights of others..
The major goal of this communication style is respect for
both yourself and for others, forming a "win-win" interaction.
Assertive communicators state facts, feeling and factual
descriptions, instead of placing blame or making judgments.
When a request is unreasonable or if assertive
communicators feel they are being taken for granted, they
say "No". The refusal is said politely, calmly and matter-offactly. An explanation may be offered, but not to the point of
being defensive. They may say, "No, I need to work early in
the morning" or "I realize that this is important, and I
certainly wish you the best of luck in getting volunteers, but
I must say no."
Assertive communicators also take responsibility for
their feelings and reactions to a situation or problem. And
with an assertive communication style, reactions are stated
as personal feelings, using “I” statements - “I FEEL angry”;
“I FEEL frustrated.” Those who communicate assertively
also commonly ask for feedback, such as, "Am I being
Consequences Apologetic,
“You” or
soft and
“Why”
tentative
statements are
voice. Says
used.
“yes” to
Loud and
others,
over-bearing
regardless of
voice.
own needs.
Looking
down or
away,
stooped
posture,
excessive
head
nodding.
Staring, tense,
clenched fists,
rigid posture,
pointing of the
finger.
Lowered self- Lowered self
esteem,
esteem, guilt,
anger at self,
anger,
disrespect disrespect and
and pity from
feared by
others.
others.
“I”
statements,
firm and
confident
voice.
Says “no”
without
feeling guilty
Eye contact,
relaxed
posture,
smooth and
relaxed.
Higher selfesteem,
respect from
self and
others, rolemodel,
valued, works
well with
others.
Think about how you communicate with others. It may
also be helpful to ask those around you how you
come across. If assertiveness is not your dominant
style, it can be, with practice. A good place to start is
with a situation that is low risk, such as asking for help
in a store. Then try a situation that makes you slightly
anxious, perhaps asking for a favor from a friend.
Growing Up With Us..., Inc.© 2009
PO Box 481810 • Charlotte, NC • 28269
Phone: (919) 489-1238 Fax: (919) 321-0789
Editor-in-Chief: Mary M. Dunlap MAEd, RN
E-mail: [email protected]
Website: www.growingupwithus.com
Testing Center: www.growingupwithus.com/quiztaker/
Copyright © 2009 Growing Up With Us, Inc. All rights reserved.
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Name:_____________________________________________________
Date:___________________________________
Employee ID#:____________________________________________
Unit:____________________________________
POPULATION/AGE-SPECIFIC EDUCATION POST TEST
Personal Growth… A Newsletter for All Staff May 2009 Competency: Demonstrates Age-Specific Competency by correctly answering 9 out of
10 questions related to Communication...What’s Your Style.
COMMUNICATION… WHAT’S YOUR STYLE?
1. An individual who grew up in an environment in which angry outbursts were common is most likely to
develop which dominant style of communication as an adult?
a.
b.
c.
d.
Aggressive
Assertive
Passive
Mixed
2. People continue with the same communication styles throughout life.
a. True
b. False
3. A co-worker asks you to take on several of his responsibilities. Although you feel like he is taking
advantage of you, you offer which passive response?
a.
b.
c.
d.
“You‘ve got to be kidding!”
“Okay.”
“I appreciate you asking, but I’ll have to pass on it.”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t right now.”
4. Your friend offers to pick up lunch for you, but doesn't give you your change. You assertively:
a.
b.
c.
d.
assume there was no change.
ask if there was any change.
accuse your friend of trying to rip you off .
plan to keep her change next time you get lunch.
5. If you feel like you are being taken advantage of, saying “no”, without apologizing or feeling guilty, is
an assertive response.
a. True
b. False
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Name:_____________________________________________________
Date:___________________________________
Employee ID#:____________________________________________
Unit:____________________________________
POPULATION/AGE-SPECIFIC EDUCATION POST TEST
Personal Growth… A Newsletter for All Staff COMMUNICATION… WHAT’S YOUR STYLE?
6. A co-worker asks you to take her to pick up her car from the shop. But, the last time you helped her, it
made you late for work. An aggressive response would be to:
a.
b.
c.
d.
help her out, after all she is your co-worker.
ask her if she’d be able to do that after work.
explain that you are unable to help this time.
tell her to get a new car and stop bothering me.
7. Which of the following is an example of a passive-aggressive statement?
a.
b.
c.
d.
"Since your plans have changed, again, I guess I won’t be able to go to my important meeting.”
“You always change your plans at the last minute. That’s really inconsiderate!”
“In the future, please don’t make plans with me unless you’re sure you’ll be able to keep them.”
“No problem. I completely understand how your plans can change. You are a busy person.”
8. Which of the following is a characteristic of an assertive communication style?
a.
b.
c.
d.
Having a stooped posture and excessive head nodding.
Using a firm and confident voice.
Having a rigid posture and clenched fists.
Looking down or away when responding.
9. An assertive response commonly begins with:
a.
b.
c.
d.
I feel...
Why...
You...
silence
10. People who protect their rights, as well as the rights of others, have which type of dominant
communication style?
a.
b.
c.
d.
aggressive
assertive
passive
none
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