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Personal Growth... © A Newsletter for All Staff Volume 4, Issue 3 COMMUNICATION… WHAT’S YOUR STYLE? May 2009 Editor-in-Chief: Mary Myers Dunlap, MAEd, RN BEHAVIORAL OBJECTIVES AFTER READING THIS NEWSLETTER THE LEARNER WILL BE ABLE TO: 1. Describe the basic styles of passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and assertive communication. 2. vary depending on the situation, and who you are talking to. For example, you likely have a different style of communication with your boss than you do with your friends. All communication styles have some usefulness and can, at different times, be appropriate. But, in today’s American western culture, particularly in business settings, an assertive communication style is preferred. And, thankfully, we all have the capacity to learn new ways of communicating and to change our style. Describe two examples of statements characteristic WHAT ARE THE Differences? of each communication style. Your co-worker says something that hurts your feelings. How you respond may determine your communication style, as well as influence your relationship and effectiveness in performing your job. Do you… say nothing and hope it doesn't happen again? tell your co-worker that you felt hurt by what was said? say nothing, but complain to other? plan something hurtful to say back? Each person communicates in a style that is likely to dominate his or her interactions with others. Communication styles are learned early in life and practiced over and over. The community we grow up in, and especially our families, provide the models or rules for determining which communication style will be rewarded or “work." When growing up, if being direct brought displeasure or an angry response, you most likely learned not to express your opinions or needs so you wouldn’t “make waves.” Therefore, as an adult your predominant communication style is likely passive. Individuals, who grew up in an environment where angry and aggressive outbursts were part of day-to-day interactions, are also likely to demonstrate this communication style. If your opinions were valued and you felt understood and heard as a child, your communication style, today, is likely assertive. This newsletter will describe the basic styles of passive, aggressive, and assertive communication. Differences in these communication styles will be discussed, as well as characteristics and examples of each. COMMUNICATION STYLES We all have a learned communication style which is used most often. However, your communication style may A passive communication style is an indirect, inhibited and dishonest pattern of relating to others. Passive communicators fail to express honest feelings, thoughts, and beliefs, or express them in such an apologetic way that others can easily disregard them. For example, the passive communicator may have no problem waiting to talk to a supervisor when another co-worker interrupts, even though they had an appointment and have been waiting a long time. Or, when requesting help they my say, "I’m so sorry to bother you. If it‘s not too much trouble would you help me pull up Mr. Giles in bed. If you‘re too busy, don‘t worry about it.” Other passive statements may include: "It‘s okay. I can do it myself." "You’re right. It‘s all my fault." “I’m sorry I made you angry.” “I don‘t have anything important to say.” The major goal of passive communicators is to avoid hassles, conflicts and the disapproval of others. They are most concerned with being liked and accepted and tend to say “yes” to most requests. They typically agree to an undesirable request or situation for the sake of "keeping the peace". Or they may simply smile, nod and keep quiet, rather than expressing dissatisfaction. The general attitude conveyed by passive persons is that they are less important than other people. It creates a losewin situation because the passive person believes that his or her own needs are secondary and chooses to be a victim. It permits others, intentionally or unintentionally, to violate the passive person’s rights. Passive communication may be appropriate if a person feels more time is needed to process what has been said before speaking. Or a person may choose not to “fight that battle” and let a perceived wrong go. Perhaps it is just not worth it, at that particular time or place, to even respond. For example, if the steak you ordered is not cooked Copyright © 2009 Growing Up With Us, Inc. All rights reserved. Page 1 of 4 perfectly to your liking, but it’s okay, you may decide to say nothing. Another time, you may choose to send it back. An aggressive communication style is generally a direct, overbearing, and disrespectful way of relating to others. Aggressive persons express their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in ways that humiliate, degrade, belittle, or overpower the other person. These typically use bullying tactics and make others feel inferior to them. Little or no respect is shown for the needs or feelings of others. And, the goal of aggressive communication is a win-lose interaction - the aggressor wins, the other person losses. clear?"; "How do you see this situation?" Asking for feedback helps correct any misperceptions. With this style of communication, if assertive persons do not feel they are being heard, they will repeat their response, rather than raising their voice. This technique is called the “broken record”, and involves restating your position calmly, over and over, until you are heard. “I feel…”; “Again, like I said, I feel…”; “Yes and I feel…”, “As I said, I feel...” . COMMUNICATION Style PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ASSERTIVE Implications to Others My feelings aren’t important. I don’t matter. I’m inferior. I’ll let others choose. Your feelings are not important. You don't matter. I'm superior, so I’ll chose for others. We are both Important, including our feelings. We both matter. I’ll choose for myself. Examples of aggressive statements may include: "You’re never on time!" "Why did you do it like that?" "You don’t know what you’re doing." “Why are you interrupting me?” A passive-aggressive communication style is what it says, communicating passively, as well as aggressively at the same time. Many passive individuals end up feeling resentful and may then become aggressive, a passiveaggressive communication style – “Well, since you’re not willing to help, it’ll just have to be done later.” This style of communication is indirect and contains messages that are driven by negative emotions, maliciousness or are otherwise intended to attack someone. Verbal Tone Non‐Verbal Tone Examples of passive -aggressive statements may include: "Go with your friends and have fun. I'll be fine." "That's okay if you go to lunch then. I don’t usually have time for a beak anyway.” "I told her not to get me a birthday gift, and she really didn’t. I’ll remember that!" An assertive communication style is characterized by honesty, self-respect and straight-forwardness. Assertive communicators express their opinions and ideas, and stand up for themselves, without infringing on the rights of others.. The major goal of this communication style is respect for both yourself and for others, forming a "win-win" interaction. Assertive communicators state facts, feeling and factual descriptions, instead of placing blame or making judgments. When a request is unreasonable or if assertive communicators feel they are being taken for granted, they say "No". The refusal is said politely, calmly and matter-offactly. An explanation may be offered, but not to the point of being defensive. They may say, "No, I need to work early in the morning" or "I realize that this is important, and I certainly wish you the best of luck in getting volunteers, but I must say no." Assertive communicators also take responsibility for their feelings and reactions to a situation or problem. And with an assertive communication style, reactions are stated as personal feelings, using “I” statements - “I FEEL angry”; “I FEEL frustrated.” Those who communicate assertively also commonly ask for feedback, such as, "Am I being Consequences Apologetic, “You” or soft and “Why” tentative statements are voice. Says used. “yes” to Loud and others, over-bearing regardless of voice. own needs. Looking down or away, stooped posture, excessive head nodding. Staring, tense, clenched fists, rigid posture, pointing of the finger. Lowered self- Lowered self esteem, esteem, guilt, anger at self, anger, disrespect disrespect and and pity from feared by others. others. “I” statements, firm and confident voice. Says “no” without feeling guilty Eye contact, relaxed posture, smooth and relaxed. Higher selfesteem, respect from self and others, rolemodel, valued, works well with others. Think about how you communicate with others. It may also be helpful to ask those around you how you come across. If assertiveness is not your dominant style, it can be, with practice. A good place to start is with a situation that is low risk, such as asking for help in a store. Then try a situation that makes you slightly anxious, perhaps asking for a favor from a friend. Growing Up With Us..., Inc.© 2009 PO Box 481810 • Charlotte, NC • 28269 Phone: (919) 489-1238 Fax: (919) 321-0789 Editor-in-Chief: Mary M. Dunlap MAEd, RN E-mail: [email protected] Website: www.growingupwithus.com Testing Center: www.growingupwithus.com/quiztaker/ Copyright © 2009 Growing Up With Us, Inc. All rights reserved. Page 2 of 4 Name:_____________________________________________________ Date:___________________________________ Employee ID#:____________________________________________ Unit:____________________________________ POPULATION/AGE-SPECIFIC EDUCATION POST TEST Personal Growth… A Newsletter for All Staff May 2009 Competency: Demonstrates Age-Specific Competency by correctly answering 9 out of 10 questions related to Communication...What’s Your Style. COMMUNICATION… WHAT’S YOUR STYLE? 1. An individual who grew up in an environment in which angry outbursts were common is most likely to develop which dominant style of communication as an adult? a. b. c. d. Aggressive Assertive Passive Mixed 2. People continue with the same communication styles throughout life. a. True b. False 3. A co-worker asks you to take on several of his responsibilities. Although you feel like he is taking advantage of you, you offer which passive response? a. b. c. d. “You‘ve got to be kidding!” “Okay.” “I appreciate you asking, but I’ll have to pass on it.” “I’m sorry, but I can’t right now.” 4. Your friend offers to pick up lunch for you, but doesn't give you your change. You assertively: a. b. c. d. assume there was no change. ask if there was any change. accuse your friend of trying to rip you off . plan to keep her change next time you get lunch. 5. If you feel like you are being taken advantage of, saying “no”, without apologizing or feeling guilty, is an assertive response. a. True b. False Copyright © 2009 Growing Up With Us, Inc. All rights reserved. Page 3 of 4 Name:_____________________________________________________ Date:___________________________________ Employee ID#:____________________________________________ Unit:____________________________________ POPULATION/AGE-SPECIFIC EDUCATION POST TEST Personal Growth… A Newsletter for All Staff COMMUNICATION… WHAT’S YOUR STYLE? 6. A co-worker asks you to take her to pick up her car from the shop. But, the last time you helped her, it made you late for work. An aggressive response would be to: a. b. c. d. help her out, after all she is your co-worker. ask her if she’d be able to do that after work. explain that you are unable to help this time. tell her to get a new car and stop bothering me. 7. Which of the following is an example of a passive-aggressive statement? a. b. c. d. "Since your plans have changed, again, I guess I won’t be able to go to my important meeting.” “You always change your plans at the last minute. That’s really inconsiderate!” “In the future, please don’t make plans with me unless you’re sure you’ll be able to keep them.” “No problem. I completely understand how your plans can change. You are a busy person.” 8. Which of the following is a characteristic of an assertive communication style? a. b. c. d. Having a stooped posture and excessive head nodding. Using a firm and confident voice. Having a rigid posture and clenched fists. Looking down or away when responding. 9. An assertive response commonly begins with: a. b. c. d. I feel... Why... You... silence 10. People who protect their rights, as well as the rights of others, have which type of dominant communication style? a. b. c. d. aggressive assertive passive none Copyright © 2009 Growing Up With Us, Inc. All rights reserved. Page 4 of 4