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Chapter 11 Attraction, Love, and Communication © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Attraction • The Girl Next Door – Mere—exposure effect • Repeated exposure to any stimulus, including a person, leads to greater liking for that stimulus • Birds of a Feather – Homophily • Tendency to have contact with people who are equal in social status 11-2 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. 11-3 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Attraction • Physical Attractiveness – Individuals will prefer potential partners who are more physically attractive • young men and women typically rate physical appearance as the most important aspect of sex appeal • The Interpersonal Marketplace – Matching Phenomenon – the tendency to choose as partners people whose social “worth” match their own • Women’s worth may be based on beauty • Men’s worth may be based on success 11-4 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Attraction • From the Laboratory to Real Life – Much of research has focused on actual similarity – What may be more important is perceived similarity • the extent to which the individual believes his/her partner is similar on important characteristics (2008) – Actual similarity was associated with attraction in studies involving no or short interaction – Perceived similarity was associated with attraction in studies involving no or short interactions, and in existing relationships – Individual’s rating of self—worth predicted the level of physical and social attractiveness of his/her partner choice (2011) 11-5 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Attraction • Attraction Online – Some Web sites have tens of thousands of personals ads – Surveys suggest that educated, busy, affluent 20— to 40—year—olds seek partners online – Technology forces users to focus on similar interests rather than physical attractiveness 11-6 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Attraction • Attraction Online (cont’d) – Why the growth of online personal ads? • a growing proportion of population is single – more people are looking • career and time pressures – more efficient ways to look for partners • more highly mobile population – harder to find partners • workplace romance is less acceptable – concerns regarding sexual harassment 11-7 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Attraction • Explaining Our Preferences • Reinforcement theory: Byrne’s Law of Attraction – we tend to like people who give us reinforcements or rewards – dislike people who give us punishments. • Sociobiology: Sexual Strategies Theory – we look for partners who will produce healthy offspring 11-8 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Intimacy • The level of commitment and positive affective, cognitive and physical closeness one experiences with a partner in a reciprocal relationship • Self-disclosure – the key characteristic of intimacy • Involves telling one’s partner personal things • Leads to reciprocity – Couples that practice more disclosure are more satisfied (1981) 11-9 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Love • Triangular Theory of Love – Robert Sternberg (1986) • Three components of love: – intimacy • emotional component – passion • motivational component – decision or commitment • cognitive component 11-10 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. 11-11 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. 11-12 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Love • Attachment Theory of Love – Hazan and Shaver theory of love • secure lovers – find it easy to get close to others • avoidant lovers – are uncomfortable feeling close to another person • anxious—ambivalent lovers – want desperately to get closer to a partner but often find that the partner does not reciprocate the feeling 11-13 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Love • Love as a Story – a story about what love should be like • includes characters, a plot, and a theme • two central characters in every love story – Falling in love – when you meet someone with whom you can create a relationship that fits your love story – Love stories are self—confirming 11-14 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Love • Passionate & Companionate Love – a 4th Perspective – Passionate love – state of intense physiological arousal and intense longing for union with another & intense physiological arousal – Companionate love • feeling of deep attachment and commitment to a person with whom one has an intimate relationship – Gradual shift from passionate to companionate love occurs between 6—30 months of a relationship 11-15 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Love • The Biology of Love – Dopamine • can produce increased energy, focused attention, and reduced need for food and sleep – common experiences of people in early stages of love – Oxytocin • stimulated by touch, including sexual touching and orgasm; may contribute to long—term relationships – MRI • pictures of romantic partners activated areas in the brain rich in dopamine pathways 11-16 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Research on Love • Operational definition – a concept is defined by how it is measured • Measuring love – scores on the Passionate Love Scale (PLS) were correlated positively with other measures of love and with measures of commitment to and satisfaction with the relationship 11-17 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Research on Love • Love & Adrenaline: Two—Component Theory of Love – Berscheid and Walster’s theory • two conditions must exist simultaneously for passionate love to occur: – physiological arousal – attaching a cognitive label (“love”) to the feeling of arousal • Misattribution of arousal – when one is in a stage of physiological arousal (from exercising or being in a frightening situation) but attributes these feelings to love or attraction to the person present 11-18 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Research on Love • Cross—Cultural Research – Individualistic cultures • U.S., Canada, and Western European countries • tend to emphasize individual goals over group and societal goals and interests – Collectivist cultures • China, Africa, and Southeast Asian countries • Emphasize group and collective goals over personal ones 11-19 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Research on Love • Cultural Values & the Meaning of Love – Worldwide: • men placed more weight on cues of reproductive capacity such as physical attractiveness • women rated cues about resources as more important – Some phenomena are similar across cultures, such as valuing • Intelligence • Kindness • Understanding in a mate – Others, such as whether love is a prerequisite for marriage, differ across cultures 11-20 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. “Would You Marry Someone You Didn’t Love?” 11-21 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Communication • Communication & Relationships – 4 destructive patterns of interaction • • • • Criticism Contempt Defensiveness withdrawal – Positive communication is important in developing and maintaining intimate relationships 11-22 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Communication • Being an Effective Communicator: Skills – Good messages: • complain rather than criticize – use “I” language. • don’t mind—read or make assumptions about what your partner thinks or feels. Ask • documenting – give specific examples of the issue being discussed. • offer limited choices – provide a set of acceptable alternatives 11-23 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Communication • Skills (cont’d) – Leveling • telling your partner what you are feeling by stating your thoughts clearly, simply, and honestly – Editing • censoring or not saying things that would be deliberately hurtful to your partner or that are irrelevant 11-24 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Communication • Skills (cont’d) – Listening – actively trying to understand what the other person is saying • Non—defensive listening – focusing on what your partner is saying and feeling, and not immediately becoming defensive or counterattacking with complaints of your own – Paraphrasing – saying, in your own words, what you thought your partner meant 11-25 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Communication • Skills (cont’d) – Body Talk: Nonverbal Communication • Communication not through words but through the body – Examples: • • • • 11-26 tone of voice facial expressions position of the body touching © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Communication • Skills (cont’d) – Validating • telling your partner that, given his or her point of view, you can see why he or she thinks a certain way – Drawing your partner out – Accentuate the positive • happy couples make more positive communications 11-27 © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part. Communication • Skills (cont’d) • Fair Fighting: A set of rules designed to make arguments constructive rather than destructive • Don’t make sarcastic or insulting remarks • Don’t bring up the names of former lovers, boyfriends, etc. • Don’t play amateur psychologist • Don’t threaten to tell your parents or run home 11-28 • If you have children, don’t bring them into it • Don’t engage in “dumping” • Don’t hit and run • Don’t focus on who’s to blame © 2014 by McGraw-Hill Education. This is proprietary material solely for authorized instructor use. Not authorized for sale or distribution in any manner. This document may not be copied, scanned, duplicated, forwarded, distributed, or posted on a website, in whole or in part.