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CHAPTER 4
Communication in Relationships
Chapter Outline
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The Nature of Interpersonal Communication
Conflict in Relationships
Principles and Techniques of Effective
Communication
Self-Disclosure, Honesty, and Lying
Gender Differences in Communication
Theories Applied to Relationship Communication
Fighting Fair: Seven Steps in Conflict Resolution
When Silence is Golden
Discussion:
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How important do you consider communication in a
relationship?
What are some ways that bad communication skills
will negatively effect a relationship?
Communication
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Can be defined as the process of exchanging
information and feelings between two people.
Although most communication is focused on verbal
content, much (estimated to be as high as 80%)
interpersonal communication is nonverbal.
Interpersonal Communication
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Spouses who have fun
together have fewer
conflicts because they
value each other’s
companionship and
don’t want to interrupt
the positive
interaction.
Conflicts In Relationships
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“An argument is always
about what has been
made more important
than the relationship.”
 Hugh Prather,
counselor
Conflicts In Relationships
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Conflict is the interaction that results when the
behavior of one person interferes with behavior of
another.
Conflict is inevitable in any intimate relationship.
Conflict can be healthy and productive for a
couple’s relationship.
 Ignoring an issue may result in the partners
becoming resentful and dissatisfied.
Sources of Conflict
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Behavior
Cognition and perceptions
Value differences
Inconsistent rules
Leadership ambiguity
Styles Of Conflict
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Competing Style
 Partners are both assertive and uncooperative
Collaborating Style
 Respective partners are both assertive and
cooperative
Compromising Style
 Partners express their view and cooperate to find
a solution
Styles Of Conflict
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Avoiding Style
 Partners are neither assertive nor cooperative
Accommodating Style
 Respective partners are not assertive in their
positions, but each accommodates to the other’s
point of view.
Parallel Style
 Both partners deny, ignore, and retreat from
addressing a problem issue.
Principles And Techniques Of
Effective Communication
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Make communication a priority.
Establish and maintain eye contact.
Ask open-ended questions.
Use reflective listening.
Use “I” statements.
Touch.
Use “soft” emotions.
Avoid negative expressivity.
Say positive things about your partner.
Principles And Techniques Of
Effective Communication
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Tell your partner what you want.
Stay focused on the issue.
Make specific resolutions to disagreements.
Give congruent messages.
Share power.
Keep the process of communication going.
Touch…
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This couple notes that,
“We can’t keep our
hands off each other.”
Question
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The process of exchanging information and
feelings between two people is called
A.
B.
C.
D.
interaction.
rapport.
evaluation.
communication.
Answer: D
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The process of exchanging information and feelings
between two people is called communication.
Self-disclosure
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Involves revealing personal information and feelings
about oneself to another person.
Relationships become more stable when individuals
disclose themselves:
 their formative years
 previous relationships (positive and negative)
 experiences of elation and sadness/depression
 goals (achieved and thwarted)
Honesty In Intimate Relationships
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Lying is pervasive in American society.
 Relationships are not immune to this.
Dating partners lie to each other (“I’ve had a
couple of previous sex partners”); women lie to men
(“I had an orgasm”), and men lie to women (“I’ll
call”).
Personal Choices?
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How much should you tell your partner about your
past?
Forms Of Dishonesty And Deception
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In addition to telling a lie, people may exaggerate
the truth, pretend, conceal the truth, or withhold
information.
Over 95% of university students in one study
reported having lied to their parents when they
were living at home.
Your Opinion
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How important is it to your partner to know about
your past?
Do you want your partner to tell you (honestly)
about her or his past?
Should One Partner Disclose
HIV/STI To The Other?
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Avoiding disclosure or lying about having an STI is
a serious ethical violation.
Some states and cities have laws that require health
care providers to advise all persons with serious
sexually transmitted diseases about the importance
of informing their sex or needle-sharing partner(s).
Your Opinion
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What do you think the penalty should be for
deliberately exposing a person to an STI?
Gender Differences In
Communication
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Men and women focus on different content in their
conversations.
 Men tend to focus on activities; women, on
relationships.
 To men, talk is information; to women, it is
interaction.
How Close Do You Want To Be?
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Individuals differ in their capacity for and interest in
an emotionally close relationship.
Individuals frequently choose partners according to
an “emotional fit”—agreement about the amount of
closeness they desire.
How Close Do You Want To Be?
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This couple notes, “We are both artists and
specialize in metal sculpting so we feel it is easy to
stay connected and keep our communication
channels open and clear.”
Theories Applied To
Relationship Communication
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Symbolic Interactionism
 Interactionists examine the process of
communication between two actors in terms of the
meanings each attaches to the actions of the other.
Social Exchange
 Suggest that communication can be described as a
ratio of rewards to costs.
Fighting Fair: Seven Steps In
Conflict Resolution
1. Address Recurring, Disturbing Issues
2. Identify New Desired Behaviors
3. Identify Perceptions to Change
4. Summarize Your Partner’s Perspective
5. Generate Alternative Win-Win Solutions
6. Forgive
7. Be Alert to Defense Mechanisms
Win-Win Relationships
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Relationships in which conflict is resolved so each
partner benefits from the resolution.
 Win-win
 Both
partners get something they want.
 Win-lose
 Only
one partner gets what they want.
 Lose-lose
 Both
partners get nothing they want.
In Evaluating Solutions To Conflicts, It
May Be Helpful To Ask These Questions:
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Does the solution satisfy both individuals?
Is the solution specific? Does it specify exactly who
is to do what, how, and when?
Is the solution realistic?
Does the solution prevent the problem from
reoccurring?
Does the solution specify what is to happen if the
problem recurs?
Defense Mechanisms
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Unconscious techniques that protect individuals and minimize
emotional hurt.
 Escapism
 Simultaneous denial of and withdrawal from a problem.
 Rationalization
 Cognitive justifications for one’s own behavior that
unconsciously conceals one’s true motives.
 Projection
 Occurs when one spouse unconsciously attributes individual
feelings, attitudes or desires to the partner.
 Displacement
 Involves shifting feelings, thoughts, or behaviors from the
person who evokes them onto someone else.
Question
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What is the most ineffective manner of
communication?
A.
B.
C.
D.
"I " statements
"you" statements
saying positive things about your partner
sharing power
Answer: B
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The most ineffective manner of communication is
"you" statements.
Question
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Effective conflict resolution is often blocked by
A.
B.
C.
D.
volatile conflict style.
defense mechanisms.
lose-lose situations.
avoidance.
Answer: B
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Effective conflict resolution is often blocked by
defense mechanisms.
Should Parents Argue
In Front Of The Children?
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Most therapists agree that being open is best.
Children need to know relationships involve conflict
and how to resolve conflicts.
In the absence of such exposure, children may have
an unrealistic view of relationships.