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12/25/09
Insulin Pump Versus Insulin Syringe-come up with a catchier title
Diabetes affects more and more people everyday.-vague, be specific. Get some
numbers if you want to talk numbers. It is the 6th leading cause of death-in the world?,
killing about 70,000 people every year (CDC, 2006). Type 1 diabetes-how many types are
there. Be more general before getting specific is when the body’s pancreas stops
producing insulin for the body.-Should you introduce what diabetes is first? Maybe a bit
about what insulin is as well. How the system works. The main goal for a diabetic person
is to maintain stable blood glucose levels (Obringer & Coffey, 2006). People use insulin
syringe or insulin pump to stabilize their blood sugar levels.-It would help to know why
insulin does this. You need more background. Usually, they put a certain amount of
insulin in the body before each meal depending on their BG-BG? Did you define this
acronym somewhere that I didn’t see? levels. Normally, the target range for the BG level
is approximately 80-120 mg/dL (Raskin et al., 2003). Often times, BG levels are not
within the range and can cause various symptoms-like what? Is this bad? Why? Think
like the reader. Do not leave them asking a million questions. When a diabetic person
has high blood sugar levels, it is associated with the word hyperglycemia-associated? It
is hyperglycemia or ketoacidosis-you can’t just throw this word out there and move on.
Some long term problems include blindness and kidney damage.-of what? You need to
say elevated blood glucose or hyperglycemia. When a person has low blood sugar levels,
it is associated with the word hypoglycemia.-you are wasting words. Intorduce the term
in a sentence where you are going to use low blood sugar anyway. Hypoglycemia is a
short term problem and may cause dizziness, blurriness, or hungriness (Obringer &
Coffey, 2006).-how does this relate to diabetes? Stay with the topic. Sometimes, when
their BG levels are very low (<50 mg/dL), they could faint which are called hypoglycemic
events (Raskin et al., 2003). Retinopathy-you are jumping around. You are not teling a
story. is when a patient has some sort of problem in their eyes and can lead to
blindness. The insulin pump is better at preventing these symptoms compared to insulin
syringe when it comes to managing Type 1 diabetes.-You can’t just say this. Your entire
essay is about showing this. You need to transition into the essay. Make a transition
sentence that will lead into the discussion.
Diabetes is a growing disease in the world.-said this already 1 in 20 people born
today eventually develop diabetes (American Diabetes Association, 2006).-intro stuff,
not body paragraph Most people either use an insulin pump or insulin syringe to
manage their diabetes.-intro However, insulin syringe-syringe is a noun, it is a thing, a
syringe. Insulin injections maybe… is more common among the two largely because the
equipment costs half the price of the pump and is more widely accessible.-you did not
build the story behind these two methods. At the end of the intro you need to discuss
the methods. What are they? Be specific. This is critical for the reader. Not managing BG
levels well can cause many short-term and long-term symptoms such as dizziness,
hungriness, or blindness.-you said all this already. STOP REPEATING Around the mid1940’s, insulin was discovered and along with that, syringes were available for
commercial use. Before that, diabetic people were put on starvation diets and did not
survive long. Then, in the 1970’s, the first pump was used but it was large and
cumbersome. In the 1980’s, human insulin was used commercially (Kirkman, 2009).
With these discoveries, people could choose between using syringe or pump.- all intro
stuff. Take these two paragraphs, combine them, cut them down and make it one easy
to read story leading up to the two methods of administering insulin.
When people develop diabetes, they face a tough choice on whether to use
insulin syringe or pump.-This is your first body paragraph. According to research, it is
said the pump better manages diabetes.-you can’t just say this here. You need to
describe a bit of the research. The pump is better when managing retinopathy.-Again,
just another fact out of the blue. In one study, thirteen patients using insulin injections
had microaneurysms (red spots in eye) compared to ten patients using the pump. The
pump also better prevented hypoglycemic coma. In one study-you just said in one study.
Do not just list studies. Tell a story., 14 patients using the syringe had hypoglycemic
coma while the pump had only 2 patients (Dahl-Jorgensen et al., 1986). In another study,
7 patients using syringe had hypoglycemic coma compared to two people using the
pump. Quality of life was better when using the pump compared to syringe. In a study,
quality of life was tested questioning patients on their satisfaction of using the pump or
syringe based on a scale of 0 to 100. The pump had a score of 72 while the syringe had a
score of 71(Saudek et al., 1996). The pump also had significantly less ketoacidosis
compared to syringe. It also required less intake of insulin. In the long run, it helped
prevent problems such as kidney failure and blindness (Obringer & Coffey, 2006). – you
need to fuse these experiments into one story.
Overall, the insulin pump is more beneficial than insulin syringe when managing
type 1 diabetes.-There was no other contradictory information like quality of life etc…?
You need to tell the full story. It better managed the disease when it came to
hypoglycemic events, preventing death, which can occur if not noticed.-grammar The
pump also better prevents ketoacidosis-which is what? which can cause long-term
problems like kidney disease and amputations. With the pump, less insulin is needed to
be put in the body compared to syringe-why? This belongs in the body (Obringer &
Coffey, 2006). It is also favored over the syringe among patients-why? (Saudek et al.,
1996). Even though syringe is more popular than the pump-why?, it is growing in
popularity. Currently, scientists are looking for a cure for diabetes. Hopefully, it will be
within our lifetime.-Does this have any business being in this manuscript???
The number below will change with each revision. These numbers are simply indicative of the
amount of improvement required at this point. When you receive a 9 or greater, the review is
ready. DrT
6/10
You need to focus on telling a great story and not just listing facts. You also needs to tell
the full story and focus more on the comparison of the two methods than on the
background.
References
American Diabetes Association. (2006). Retrieved December 19, 2009, from
http://www.diabetes.org/assets/pdfs/hot-topics/hot-topics-summer-fall-2006.pdf.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (CDC) (2006). Retrieved December 14, 2009,
from
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/lcod.htm.
Dahl-Jorgensen, K.D., Brinchmann-Hansen, O.B., Hanssen, K.H., Ganes, T.G., Kierulf, P.K.,
Smeland, E.S.,Sandvik, L.S., Aagenaes, O.A. (1986). Effect of near normoglycaemia for
two years on progression of early diabetic retinopathy, nephropathy, and
neuropathy: the Oslo study. British Medical Journal, 293, 1195-1199.
Edelman, S.E. (2001). Insulin Pump Therapy Versus Multiple Daily Injections. J Clin Care
Educ Nutr. 24, 1722-1727.
Kirkman, J.K. (2009). Retrieved December 19, 2009, from
http://ezinearticles.com/?Diabetes-History-Through-the-Years-From-the
Beginning-Until-the-Present&id=2988057.
Nuboer, R.N., Borsboom, G.J.J.M, Zoethout, J.Z., Koot, H.K., Bruining, J.B. (2008). Effects of
insulin pump vs. injection treatment on quality of life and impact of disease in
children with type 1
diabetes mellitus in a randomized, prospective comparison.
Pediatric Diabetes, 9, 281-296.
Obringer, S.O. & Coffey, K.C. (2006). Diabetes Mellitus and the Insulin Pump: What Teachers
Need to Know. Mississippi State University, 25, 51-60.
Pickup, J.P., Renard, E.R. (2008) Long-Acting Insulin Analogs Versus Insulin Pump Therapy
for the Treatment of Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetes. Diabetes Care, 31, S145-S145.
Saudek, C.D., Duckworth, W.D., Giobbie-Hurder, A.G., Henderson, W.H., Henry, R.H., Kelley,
D.K., & Edelman, S.E. (1996). Implantable insulin pump vs. Multiple-Dose Insulin.
JAMA, 276, 1322-1327.
Weissberg-Denchell, J.D., Antisdel-Lomaglio, J.A., Seshadri, R.S. (2003). Insulin Pump
Therapy. Diabetes Care, 26, 1079-1087.