Download First Writing Assignment

Improving Writing Through Revision and Self Editing
Most of the following text is courtesy of the online writing lab at Purdue university
(http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/...)
1. Active sentence structure (eliminating the passive voice)
Helping verbs can help you restructure passive voice
In a sentence using active voice, the subject of the sentence performs the
action expressed in the verb.
The arrow points from the subject performing the action (the dog) to the individual
being acted upon (the boy). This is an example of a sentence using the active voice.
Sample active voice sentence with the subject performing the action described by the
verb.
Active voice is used for most non-scientific writing. Using active voice for the majority of
your sentences makes your meaning clear for readers, and keeps the sentences from
becoming too complicated or wordy. Even in scientific writing, too much use of passive
voice can cloud the meaning of sentences.
In a sentence using passive voice, the subject is acted upon; he or she receives the action
expressed by the verb. The agent performing the action may appear in a "by the..." phrase or
may be omitted.
The following is an example of the passive
voice:
The action is performed upon the sentence subject, meaning this sentence is passive
(indirect).
This is an example of the passive
voice.
This is an example of an active voice sentence because the sentence subject performs the
action.
RECAP
Reasons to Generally Avoid Passive Voice
Sometimes the use of passive voice can create awkward sentences. Also, overuse of passive
voice causes your prose to seem flat and uninteresting. In scientific writing, however, passive
voice is more readily accepted … (makes their points seem objective).
➛ Recognizing Passive Voice
You can recognize passive-voice expressions because the verb phrase will
always include a form of be, such as am, is, was, were, are, or been. The
presence of a be-verb, however, does not necessarily mean that the
sentence is in passive voice. Another way to recognize passive-voice
sentences is that they may include a "by the..." phrase after the verb.
2. Transitions
Good transitions can connect paragraphs and turn disconnected writing into a unified whole.
Instead of treating paragraphs as separate ideas, transitions can help readers understand how
paragraphs work together, reference one another, and build to a larger point. The key to
producing good transitions is highlighting connections between corresponding paragraphs.
By referencing in one paragraph the relevant material from previous ones, writers can
develop important points for their readers.
[Kamrass note: use transitions and transitional phrases within paragraphs too.
Oftentimes with the CD-2CM development, transitions help tie the ideas together and
clarifies the topic of the paragraph.]
examples on the next page
Example: Overall, Management Systems International has logged increased sales in every sector, leading to
a significant rise in third-quarter profits.
Another important thing to note is that the corporation had expanded its international influence.
Revision: Overall, Management Systems International has logged increased sales in every sector, leading to a
significant rise in third-quarter profits.
These impressive profits are largely due to the corporation's expanded international influence.
Example: Fearing for the loss of Danish lands, Christian IV signed the Treaty of Lubeck, effectively ending
the Danish phase of the 30 Years War.
But then something else significant happened. The Swedish intervention began.
Revision: Fearing for the loss of more Danish lands, Christian IV signed the Treaty of Lubeck, effectively
ending the Danish phase of the 30 Years War.
Shortly after Danish forces withdrew, the Swedish intervention began.
Example: Amy Tan became a famous author after her novel, The Joy Luck Club, skyrocketed up the
bestseller list.
There are other things to note about Tan as well. Amy Tan also participates in the satirical garage band the
Rock Bottom Remainders with Stephen King and Dave Barry.
Revision: Amy Tan became a famous author after her novel, The Joy Luck Club, skyrocketed up the
bestseller list.
Though her fiction is well known, her work with the satirical garage band the Rock Bottom Remainders
receives far less publicity.
*Transitional Words that can help
Transitional devices are like bridges between parts of your paper. They are cues that
help the reader to interpret ideas a paper develops. Transitional devices are words or phrases
that help carry a thought from one sentence to another, from one idea to another, or from one
paragraph to another. And finally, transitional devices link sentences and paragraphs together
smoothly so that there are no abrupt jumps or breaks between ideas.
There are several types of transitional devices, and each category leads readers to
make certain connections or assumptions. Some lead readers forward and imply the building
of an idea or thought, while others make readers compare ideas or draw conclusions from the
preceding thoughts.
Here is a list of some common transitional devices that can be used to cue readers in a given
way.
To Add:
and, again, and then, besides, equally important, finally, further, furthermore, nor, too, next,
lastly, what's more, moreover, in addition, first (second, etc.)
To Compare: whereas, but, yet, on the other hand, however, nevertheless, on the contrary,
by comparison, where, compared to, up against, balanced against, vis a vis, but, although,
conversely, meanwhile, after all, in contrast, although this may be true
To Prove: because, for, since, for the same reason, obviously, evidently, furthermore,
moreover, besides, indeed, in fact, in addition, in any case, that is
To Show Exception: yet, still, however, nevertheless, in spite of, despite, of course, once in
a while, sometimes
To Show Time: immediately, thereafter, soon, after a few hours, finally, then, later,
previously, formerly, first (second, etc.), next, and then
To Repeat: in brief, as I have said, as I have noted, as has been noted (passive, use your
judgment)
To Emphasize: definitely, extremely, obviously, in fact, indeed, in any case, absolutely,
positively, naturally, surprisingly, always, forever, perennially, eternally, never,
emphatically, unquestionably, without a doubt, certainly, undeniably, without reservation
To Show Sequence: first, second, third, and so forth. A, B, C, and so forth. next, then,
following this, at this time, now, at this point, after, afterward, subsequently, finally,
consequently, previously, before this, simultaneously, concurrently, thus, therefore, hence,
next, and then, soon
To Give an Example: for example, for instance, in this case, in another case, on this
occasion, in this situation, take the case of, to demonstrate, to illustrate, as an illustration, to
illustrate
To Summarize or Conclude: in brief, on the whole, summing up, to conclude, in
conclusion, as I have shown, as I have said, hence, therefore, accordingly, thus, as a result,
consequently
3. Commas After Introductions
A. Introductory Clauses
Introductory clauses are dependent clauses that provide background
information or "set the stage" for the main part of the sentence, the independent
clause.
For example: If they want to win, athletes must exercise every day.
(introductory dependent clause, main clause)
Because he kept barking insistently, we threw the ball for Smokey.
(introductory dependent clause, main clause)
Introductory clauses start with adverbs like after, although, as, because, before, if,
since, though, until, when, etc.
B. Introductory Phrases
Introductory phrases also set the stage for the main action of the sentence,
but they are not complete clauses. Phrases don't have both a subject and a verb that
are separate from the subject and verb in the main clause of the sentence. Common
introductory phrases include prepositional phrases, appositive phrases, participial
phrases, infinitive phrases, and absolute phrases.
To stay in shape for competition, athletes must exercise every day.
(introductory infinitive phrase, main clause)
Barking insistently, Smokey got us to throw his ball for him.
(introductory participial phrase, main clause)
A popular and well respected mayor, Bailey was the clear favorite in the
campaign for governor.
(introductory appositive phrase, main clause)
The wind blowing violently, the townspeople began to seek shelter.
(introductory absolute phrase, main clause)
After the adjustment for inflation, real wages have decreased while corporate
profits have grown.
(introductory prepositional phrases, main clause)
C. Introductory Words
Introductory words like however, still, furthermore, and meanwhile create continuity
from one sentence to the next.
The coaches reviewed the game strategy. Meanwhile, the athletes trained on
the Nautilus equipment.
Most of the evidence seemed convincing. Still, the credibility of some
witnesses was in question.
When to Use a Comma
Introductory elements often require a comma, but not always. Use a comma in the
following cases:




After an introductory clause. (Does the introductory element have a subject
and verb of its own?)
After a long introductory prepositional phrase or more than one introductory
prepositional phrase. (Are there more than five words before the main
clause?)
After introductory verbal phrases, some appositive phrases, or absolute
phrases.
If there is a distinct pause. (When you read the sentence aloud, do you find
your voice pausing a moment after the introductory element?) to avoid
confusion. (Might a reader have to read the sentence more than once to
make sense of it?)
Sometimes you don’t use a comma. See next page:
When Not to Use a Comma
Some introductory elements don't require a comma, and sometimes the subject of a
sentence looks like an introductory element but isn't. Do not use a comma in the
following cases:



After a brief prepositional phrase. (Is it a single phrase of fewer than five
words?)
After a restrictive (essential) appositive phrase. (See our [OWL at Purdue
University Web site] document on appositives.)
To separate the subject from the predicate. (See below.)
Each of the following sentences may look like it requires a comma after the opening
segment (marked with an x), but the opening segment is really the subject. It's
sometimes easy to confuse gerund- or infinitive-phrase subjects like the following
with nonessential introductory phrases, so be careful.
Preparing and submitting his report to the committee for evaluation and possible
publication[x] was one of the most difficult tasks Bill had ever attempted.
To start a new business without doing market research and long-term planning in
advance[x] would be foolish.
Extracting the most profit for the least expenditure on labor and materials[x] is the
primary goal of a capitalist.
4. Parallel Structure
Parallel structure means using the same pattern of words to show that two or more ideas have
the same level of importance. This can happen at the word, phrase, or clause level. The usual
way to join parallel structures is with the use of coordinating conjunctions such as "and" or
"or."
*Words and Phrases
With the -ing form (gerund) of words:
Parallel: Mary likes hiking, swimming, and bicycling.
With infinitive phrases:
Parallel: Mary likes to hike, to swim, and to ride a bicycle.
OR Mary likes to hike, swim, and ride a bicycle.
(Note: You can use "to" before all the verbs in a sentence or only before the first one.)
Do not mix forms.
Example 1
Not Parallel:
Mary likes hiking, swimming, and to ride a bicycle.
Parallel:
Mary likes hiking, swimming, and riding a bicycle.
Example 2
Not Parallel:
The production manager was asked to write his report quickly, accurately, and in
a detailed manner.
Parallel:
The production manager was asked to write his report quickly, accurately, and
thoroughly.
Example 3
Not Parallel:
The teacher said that he was a poor student because he waited until the last
minute to study for the exam, completed his lab problems in a careless manner,
and his motivation was low.
Parallel:
The teacher said that he was a poor student because he waited until the last
minute to study for the exam, completed his lab problems in a careless manner,
and lacked motivation.
*Clauses
A parallel structure that begins with clauses must keep on with clauses. Changing to another
pattern or changing the voice of the verb (from active to passive or vice versa) will break the
parallelism.
Example 1
Not Parallel:
The coach told the players that they should get a lot of sleep, that they should not
eat too much, and to do some warm-up exercises before the game.
Parallel:
The coach told the players that they should get a lot of sleep, that they should not
eat too much, and that they should do some warm-up exercises before the game.
— or —
Parallel:
The coach told the players that they should get a lot of sleep, not eat too much,
and do some warm-up exercises before the game.
Example 2
Not Parallel:
The salesman expected that he would present his product at the meeting, that
there would be time for him to show his slide presentation, and that questions
would be asked by prospective buyers. (passive)
Parallel:
The salesman expected that he would present his product at the meeting, that
there would be time for him to show his slide presentation, and that prospective
buyers would ask him questions.
*Lists After a Colon
Be sure to keep all the elements in a list in the same form.
Example 1
Not Parallel:
The dictionary can be used for these purposes: to find word meanings, pronunciations, correct
spellings, and looking up irregular verbs.
Parallel:
The dictionary can be used for these purposes: to find word meanings, pronunciations, correct
spellings, and irregular verbs.
Proofreading Strategies to Try:



Skim your paper, pausing at the words "and" and "or." Check on each side of
these words to see whether the items joined are parallel. If not, make them
parallel.
If you have several items in a list, put them in a column to see if they are parallel.
Listen to the sound of the items in a list or the items being compared. Do you hear
the same kinds of sounds? For example, is there a series of "-ing" words
beginning each item? Or do you hear a rhythm being repeated? If something is
breaking that rhythm or repetition of sound, check to see if it needs to be made
parallel.