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Understanding your kids
Miss Lam Choi Yan, Agnes, Clinical Psychologist
"Miss Lam, I talk to him quite often! But he doesn’t respond to me nine times
out of 10!” Mdm. Lee told me about the communication problems she had with her
son the first time we met. “Even when I'm working, I call him and ask him things like,
‘Have you finished your homework? Did you get punished by your teachers? Don’t
just watch TV all day …’” she said. “What else do you ask him?” I asked curiously.
She then told me about one rare time her son actually replied her. She said, “That time,
he told me his teacher had scolded him for chatting with his classmates even though
there was no evidence and he was rebuked in front of the whole class. I then told him,
‘Your teacher won't rebuke you for nothing, so your teacher said that because you had
chatted with your classmates!’” After hearing her words, I understood why her son
was always unwilling to confide in her.
Like all other single mothers, Mdm. Lee faced a lot of economic and life stress.
She also had a strained relationship with her ex-husband, which made her pin all her
hopes onto her son. Therefore, when faced with her son’s inappropriate behaviours,
requests for buying toys or increasing his pocket money, her anger level would rise
like a rocket. And when she scolded her son, she would always end it with: “Why
can't you be considerate of me? Why do you act just like your dad...?”
Mdm. Lee had subconsciously put her life stress and resentment against her
ex-husband into the parenting of her son. She also did not realise that this kind of
communication method, which was a kind of “Q&A” with the tone of an interrogation
or investigation, was unfavourable for communication, and even put her and her son
into a direct confrontation where the mom was not satisfied with her son’s reply and
her son saw his mother as a judge or a policewoman who only wanted to “make a
verdict” and “make someone accountable”. Over time, the son became fed up with his
mother’s “concern” and the care and kindness of his mother only led to quarrel and
“silent protest”.
I have a lot of sympathy for Mdm. Lee because her intention to build a close
relationship with her son had backfired. For this reason, besides finding ways to help
relieve her stress, we discussed her grudge against her ex-husband and its long-term
impact on her son.
Note This article is translated by a translation company from the corresponding original
Chinese article in the Chinese section of this website. It is meant to be just an
approximation of the original article for the benefit of readers who do not read
Chinese.
Moreover, Mdm. Lee has to start by improving communication with her son and
her parenting. The first step, which can be said to be the most vital part, is letting her
experience the benefits of practising a new, open method of communication that
“accepts emotions”. I borrowed some of her daily experiences to make some
examples, e.g. a past situation in which she communicated with her boss, friends and
parents, to tell her a simple truth: the key to communication is feeling that your own
emotions are accepted by others. For example, if you talk to a friend after you have
spent $100 on a new dress and become furious because you have found another shop
selling the same dress at $50 the next day, and your friend tells you that getting
cheated like that proves you are a fool, I believe most of us would feel unappreciated
and refuse to say more about this incident. If your friend replies you in a way which
accepts and validates your feelings, such as by saying, “Poor you! That’s so horrible!”,
then you will be willing to continue speaking to vent. If that is the case, even if your
friend says, “Don’t be a fool next time!” afterwards, you will accept his or her
reminder more calmly.
Therefore, I suggested that Miss Lee create joyful moments with her son and talk
to him about things he would find interesting. I also reminded her to listen to him
when they talked and not act as a judge, as well as to be caring and kind when
replying to him. For example, she could say, “You must be so upset about being
scolded by your teacher!” to let her son talk more before she started to lecture him or
recommend improvements. Smooth and effective communication will only happen
when both sides are calm.
Note This article is translated by a translation company from the corresponding original
Chinese article in the Chinese section of this website. It is meant to be just an
approximation of the original article for the benefit of readers who do not read
Chinese.