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Human Sexuality
Love and Communication in
Intimate Relationships
Love

Considerable attention across disciplines

What is the nature of love?

“Love has been highly conceptualized and
made very abstract” (Gage, 1976)
What Love is NOT

NOT (Firestone, Firestone & Catlett, 2006):
Selfish
 Possessive
 Demanding
 Proprietary right over others
 Submissive/dominant
 Coercive or manipulative

Sexuality and Love

Not addressed in Kinsey’s research

Currently:

Numerous studies on love and sex
Love

A complex emotion

The “paradox” of love: encompasses
opposites
Love and Sexuality

Often intertwined

For many, love legitimates sex outside of
marriage

Sex as an expression of love; to deepen
the relationship (Cupach, 1990; Henderson-King,
1994)
Gender Differences:
Sex and Love

Men: sex and love can be separated
(Carroll, Volk, & Hyde, 1985)

Women: less likely to engage in casual
sex: love and sex are more closely linked
Sex and Love

Gay men:
Especially likely to separate sex and love
 Intrinsic value to sex


Heterosexual men: similar?

Not as many willing partners (Blum, 1997)
Sex and Love

Lesbian relationships:

Sex is less frequent among lesbian couples,
comparatively (Schureurs, 1993)

More likely to postpone sex until emotional
intimacy is developed
Celibacy

Abstaining from sexual activity

Religious/spiritual dimensions, situational,
personal, etc.

Enhanced appreciation of friendship
functions of relationships
Asexuality

Absence of sexual attraction to others, or no
desire to act on attractions

1% of the population

Underrepresented in research and movements

Capable of intimate relationships, free of sexuality;
some prefer not to have relationships
Asexuality

An orientation

Research: asexuality exists in the animal
kingdom; sheep studies

The question of pathology
Asexuality

Prause, 2003

Asexual people report:
Low sexual desire
 Low arousal/excitation
 Many engage in masturbation

Styles of Love

John Lee- sociologist

6 basic styles of love: reflect relationship
styles

Assumption: It is best when we share a
relationship style with our partner
Styles of Love

Mania: obsessive/possessive love;
roller-coaster

Ludus: playful love: love is a game, not
a deep emotion
Styles of Love

Storge: love between companions: from
friendship to romance

Agape: chaste, patient, undemanding
love; the love of saints/martyrs
Styles of Love

Pragma: practical/logical love;
businesslike; looking for someone with
specific characteristics

Hendrick & Hendrick: men are more
ludic, women are more storgic/pragmatic
Triangular Theory of Love

Robert Sternberg: 3 elements of love


Each will increase/diminish over the course
of a relationship
Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment
Kinds of Love: Sternberg

Liking (intimacy only)

Infatuation (passion only)

Romantic love (intimacy and passion)
Kinds of Love

Companionate love (intimacy and
commitment)

Empty love (commitment only)

Non love (absence of all three)
Attachment Theory (Pistole, Clark & Tubbs, 1995)

Adults with:

Secure attachments: trusting, accepting,
supportive; 56% of adults
Attachment Theory

Anxious/Ambivalent attachments: afraid
their partners would leave, want to commit
prematurely; 19-20% of adults

Avoidant attachments: discomfort in close
relationships; distrustful, fear dependence;
23-25% of adults
Jealousy

Often confused with love

Jealousy is associated with immaturity
and insecurity (Pistole, 1995)

Is jealousy ever beneficial?
Jealousy

Often linked to relationship violence (Buss,
1999; Puente & Cohen, 2003)

Jealous aggression is often directed
toward a partner (Paul & Galloway, 1994)

31% of women and 17% of men had
intentionally elicited jealousy in a
relationship (Buss, 2000)
Jealousy

Why do we become/want to make others
jealous (Buss, 2000)?
Self esteem
 Revenge
 To increase a partner’s commitment
 Test the strength of the relationship

Jealousy

Generated by:

Personal insecurities/anxieties

Boundary violations in an relationship
Lasting love

Intimate love: lasting love; counting on
the other partner; both partners have
individual and relationship goals

Consists of:
Commitment
 Caring
 Self-disclosure

Communication

Active Listening:
Open postures/leaning in
 Eye contact
 Nodding
 Reflection of content
 Reflection of feelings

Factors impacting communication
Personality
 Relationship context
 Culture
 Subject matter

Non-verbal communication

Most communication of feeling is
nonverbal (Guffey, 1999)

Body posture and movements
Nonverbal Communication

Eye contact and facial expressions

Interpersonal distance

Touching

Often overrides the verbal message
Gender and Communication


Women
More sensitive/responsive during conversation and conflicts

Set the emotional tone- escalate or deescalate conflicts with
verbal and nonverbal messages

Use of emotional appeals and threats

Use of qualifying statements
(Gottman & Carre, 2000; Klintetob & Smith, 1996, Noller &
Fitzpatrick, 1991)
Gender and Communication
 Men more
likely to send negative messages,
neutral messages, or to withdraw
 Fewer
words, more profanity
Deborah Tannen

Gendered Communication:
Deborah Tannen

Basic Premise:

There are gender differences in
communication styles

These differences start in early childhood
Boys/Girls

Boys: play in groups; activity-driven

Girls: best friends; relationship-driven
Status and Connection

Men: power hierarchies: discourse is
used to “one-up” or “one-down” each
other

Women: collaborative: discourse to bring
people closer or farther apart
Meta-message

Meta-message: what messages do we
take away from what we hear?
Competitive/Cooperative

Both men/women are competitive and
cooperative, but conversational rituals
differ
“I’m Sorry”…

Women are more likely to use this
phrase

Sorry it happened, not taking blame

Men- more likely to ascribe blame when
“sorry” is uttered
Directness/Indirectness

Varies by gender based on context:

Women indirect when giving orders

Men indirect when describing emotional
content
Public/Private Discourse

Women: likely to try to engage men in
private discourses

Men: more likely to dominate
conversation publicly
Qualifying Statements….

Based on CONTEXT

Gender is one of many factors;
Ethnicity/culture
 Age
 Situation/context
 Power
