Download Love Is The Most Powerful Healing Force In The World

Love Is The Most Powerful Healing Force In The World
By Don Joseph Goewey
The terms cerebral and brainy are often used to describe a person who is remote, living in his or
her own analytical world of thought, emotionally unavailable and socially awkward. These
characteristics could not be less related to the neural properties of the brain. The human
brain is a social organ, and its neural architecture is built for interpersonal connection. We are
literally wired to feel connected to each other. That’s not an opinion; the scientific research
supporting this statement is substantial. The quality of our relationships not only determines
how well our brain and body function, but also how long we live. To the brain, connection is
synonymous with survival to such an extent that any form of separation makes the brain nervous.
Expose an infant primate to an unpleasant stressor, then place her in a room with primates that
are strangers, and the stress reaction will exacerbate. Place the infant in a room with other
primates who are her friends and family, and the stress reaction is mitigated.
Robert Sapolsky of Stanford relates a story about a boy from a psychologically abusive setting
who was hospitalized with zero growth hormones in his bloodstream. Chronic stress had
completely shut down the body’s growth system, threatening his life. Over the next two months
the boy developed a close relationship with the nurse at the hospital—undoubtedly the first
normal relationship he had ever had—and soon, amazingly enough, his growth hormone level
zoomed back to normal. However, when the nurse went on vacation, the boy’s blood level
dropped again. Then, immediately on her return, his blood level bounced back to normal. “Think
about it,” Sapolsky commented. “The rate at which this child was depositing calcium in his bones
could be explained entirely by how safe and loved he was feeling in the world.”
The research of Dr. Helen Fisher of Rutgers into the biochemical, neurological, and social
foundations of love has led her to conclude that love is not an emotion; it is a drive more powerful
than the sex drive, emanating from the engine of the brain.
Mirror Neurons
The neural network most responsible for achieving our state of connectedness is the mirror
neuron system. This cluster of nerve cells was discovered in 1996 in an experiment conducted on
macaque monkeys. Researchers observed on brain scans that a specific cluster of brain cells
fired in the frontal lobe of a monkey when it grabbed a peanut. The curious thing was that, in
another monkey who was watching the first monkey grab the peanut, the same cluster of cells
fired. The cells seemed to reflect the actions of the other monkey almost like a mirror reflects
one’s image. As the researchers investigated further, it became easy for them to predict which
specific neurons would fire based on the activity performed by one monkey and observed by
another. The scientists dubbed this cluster of cells mirror neurons.
In humans, the mirror neuron system is highly developed. It provides the neural mechanism by
which we are able to read each other and feel empathy. “With mirror neurons [we are] practically
in another person’s mind,” states Dr. Marco Iacoboni of UCLA. Daniel Goleman, author of
Emotional Intelligence, writes, “Mirror neurons track the emotional flow, movement, and even
intentions of the person we are with and replicate this sensed state in our own brain by stirring the
same areas active in the other person. Mirror neurons offer a neural mechanism that explains
emotional contagion, the tendency of one person to catch the feelings of another, particularly if
strongly expressed. This brain-to-brain link may also account for feelings of rapport, which
research finds depend in part on extremely rapid synchronization of people’s posture, vocal
pacing, and movements as they interact.” Mirror neurons work both ways. My hostility bumps up
your blood pressure; your nurturing love lowers mine. Biologically, friends are healing, enemies
are toxic. This explains why research at Stanford has shown, over and over, that a willingness to
forgive reduces serious health risks.
A Person-Centered Approach
The psychological approach that maps to the way mirror neurons achieve interpersonal
resonance is the person-centered approach formulated by Carl R. Rogers, Ph.D. Rogers’
approach rests on three essential conditions that are now at the center of nearly every form of
psychotherapy, as well as theories of communication, conflict resolution, community building, and
learning.
The Three Indispensable Conditions
Carl Rogers formulated three indispensable conditions that must be present to create a climate of
growth and resonance in a relationship. These conditions apply in any and all relationships,
whether it is lover or friend, therapist and client, parent and child, leader and group, teacher and
student, or management and staff. The conditions apply, in fact, in any situation in which the
development of the person is a goal.
1. Genuineness
The first condition is genuineness, realness, or congruence. The more a person is him or herself
in the relationship, presenting no professional front or personal facade, the greater the likelihood
for resonance and connection. This requires that we be aware of and open to the feelings and
attitudes flowing within us as we relate to another. The term transparent catches the essence of
this condition: we are willing to make ourselves transparent to the other person so the other
person can clearly see what we are in the relationship. There is no holding back. There is a close
matching, or congruence, between what is being experienced at the gut level, what is present in
awareness, and what is expressed.
2. Acceptance
The second attitude of importance in creating a climate for connection is acceptance and caring
or what Rogers called unconditional positive regard. He refrained from using the word love to
define this condition, but love is what it is. By love, I mean a positive, acceptant attitude toward
whatever the other person is at that moment. We are willing for the other person to be whatever
he or she is experiencing, whether confusion, resentment, fear, anger, courage, pride, kindness,
or compassion. We value the other in a total, rather than a conditional, way.
3. Empathic Understanding
The third facilitative quality of the relationship is empathic understanding. Being empathic is to
perceive the point of view of another with accuracy, along with the emotional components and
meanings. It means to sense the hurt or the pleasure of another as he or she senses it and to
perceive the causes of the feelings as he or she perceives them. It is to enter another’s private
world so completely that we lose all desire to evaluate and judge it. “This kind of sensitive, active
listening is exceedingly rare in our lives,” Rogers stated. “We think we listen, but very rarely do
we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of
the most potent forces for change [in a relationship] that I know.”
Resonance proceeds from an accepting, empathic, and honest way of being in a relationship.
This way of relating arises naturally in the absence of judging, advising, admonishing, ordering, or
directing. It helps us to get in touch with our actual feelings and experience so we can become
more real, less distorted, and ultimately achieve a close match between the person we strive to
be and the person we are. Resonance means we are alive in the present moment, attuned to its
ebbs and flows, and open to a state of becoming, rather than being fixed on who or what we think
we should be or how another person should be.
How Mirror Neurons Come Into Play
The more a person feels accepted and prized, the more they tend to develop a more caring
attitude toward themselves. Our acceptance literally mirrors in their brain as self-acceptance.
As a person is empathetically heard, it becomes possible for them to listen more accurately to the
flow of their own inner experience. Our listening mirrors as self-understanding.
As a person understands and prizes him or herself, he or she becomes more congruent in ways
that feel real, grounded and genuine. Our willingness to be authentic with another
mirrors within them as the courage to be authentically who they are.
When all three attitudes are present in a relationship, resonance is inevitable. This is because
it shifts the question from how can I change or fix this person to how can I provide a relationship
which this person might use for personal growth?
Who doesn’t want a relationship with a person like that?
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About the Author:
Don Joseph Goewey has worked in some of the most stressful places on Earth - from cancer
wards to refugee camps to corporate offices – helping people transcend stress and fear to reach
a higher potential. He co-founded a human performance firm, ProAttitude, to end stress in the
workplace. His new book, Mystic Cool defines a proven approach (featured in Outside Magazine
January 2010) that literally rewires the brain to extinguish stress reactions and light up higher
brain networks to sustain peak performance and greater well-being. To contact Don, email
[email protected]. Learn more about his book and coaching program at http://mysticcool.com.
For corporate training, visit http://proattitude.com.