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TESTIMONY
Marianne Servaas
A little story
When I tell people, or they discover, that I became a Roman Catholic
as an adult by choice, the question ‘why’, spoken or unspoken, lies around
the corner. The answer to that ‘why’ is not easy because it is so simple: I
fell in love with the Eucharist and therefore with the Church. It is the
Eucharist that drew me, holds me and roots me in faith.
Yet, it took a while before I discovered its mystery, joy and challenge
for I grew up in a family and context that was outspokenly anti-Catholic. My
grandfather came from the Netherlands to Belgium in order to convince
Catholics to leave the Church and become evangelicals. He thought that the
Roman Catholic Church was unchristian. My grandmother was one of his
first converts. My father and all his brothers worked as pastors or ministers
within evangelical congregations. From an early age I had questions, some
triggered by personal pain due to a history of sexual abuse and the reality of
a mother who was seriously and terminally ill. I often wondered quietly “How
can you say that you believe one thing and live another?” and the tears I
shed were many.
Other questions were more ‘theological’ in nature: ”What does it mean
to be Church? How does being Church relate to concrete day-to-day life? Is
it true that people who do not say that they want to follow Jesus will go to
hell?”
Every time I thought of the Church in Belgium, I felt sadness and a
desire to ask people: “Where is your joy?” It also puzzled me that within the
evangelical groups that I knew, so often splits occurred, linked to a slightly
different interpretation of a single Bible verse. “What is truth and where
does our unity lie?” became existential questions and I had a restlessness
and sadness within me that meant I could not but continue to search.
Yet, I am thankful for all that I did receive, particularly the broad
knowledge of the Bible. Let me put it clearly: I did not become a Catholic for
negative reasons nor has it made me un-ecumenical, on the contrary.
Rather, I discovered a greater depth and was unable to resist the appeal and
call that was present within it. One image that came to me soon after I
became a Catholic was that I grew up in an aquarium of a form of
evangelicalism that was colored by fundamentalism. Then I swam in the lake
of a broader form of Christian tradition. Now I am in the ocean. All the water
is of God, but give me the ocean. Here there is depth, diversity and unity.
I left Belgium first for France and then married an Englishman and
live in England. There we joined an Anglican community which was very
good. After working in ordinary jobs for a few years, we felt called to go to a
missionary training college and there, under the guidance of a Jewish
Christian, decided to come to the Philippines. Here we lived and worked for
seven years with an evangelical Filipino student organization.
It is in this country, and through these people, that our lives were
profoundly changed in such a way that it prepared, even cleared, our hearts
to begin to see the beauty of the Eucharist and Eucharistic living. Three
things were given to me that made the question “where do I belong as a
Christian” burn more and more in my heart: joy, freedom and hunger.
First of all, Filipinos were and are genuinely sacramental. They opened
my heart to receive joy and trust in life itself, something that we have lost in
my country. More so, the joy that is almost palpably present is related to
thankfulness and to humility. My country, sadly, appears to thrive but
actually dies due to an absence of thankfulness.
The second gift I received was that of freedom from all the prejudices
towards Catholicism that I had been brought up with and thus receiving the
freedom that sees what is right with the Catholic Church.
A crucial development in relationship to this came through theological
studies. At one point, I had to write a paper about the life of Petrus Canisius,
one of the first Jesuits. His life story moved me especially because I saw in
him that faith and love for the Church are first of all a way of life and only
after that a way of thinking. Here was a man who did not separate his
thinking, affection or actions nor his love of Christ from love for the Church.
Aside from this, I discovered a depth in Orthodox and Catholic
thinking that made me hungry for more. The richness and beauty that all
truth is Gods truth began to draw me. I sensed something was missing in
the lake in which I was swimming, in spite of being quite content and very
happy in the Philippines. The question: where do I belong as a Christian
and what does it mean to be Church, began to weigh.
Where do I belong?
What I did not expect, is that this question would be answered quite
clearly first through a shock and then through falling completely and utterly
in love with Christ as He is present in the Roman Catholic Church.
The shock came during a lecture on God as Trinity. The professor who
spoke said at one point: “If you are reflecting on becoming a member of a
Church, go for that Church where the richness of the Trinity is most clearly
expressed and celebrated.” My immediate response was: “That is the Roman
Catholic Church”. It shocked me and I realized that I would have to do
something about this. I could no longer silence the whispers that had been
in my heart for a while. They had become a shout. But one more thing had
to happen.
I had to fall in love and this happened during the Easter vigil. Friends
of mine had invited me to join them. I accepted with some hesitation as if I
sensed that this would be ‘it’. And it was. At this point, I had only been to
Mass a few times. To a first communion, a funeral… but never to a normal
Sunday Eucharist. Now, the Easter Vigil celebrated as the Church gives it to
all of us.
Two moments will remain with me forever. They were life-changing and
came as pure gifts.
The first was during the litany of the Saints: Sancta Maria, ora pro
nobis, sancte Petre, sancte Augustine, ora pro nobis… omnes sancti Angeli et
Archangeli. To say it moved me falls far short of what truly happened. I felt
and sensed and smelled in my whole being ‘this is our family… this is my
family. They are present.” It made me feel humble, small and profoundly
peaceful.
Only later did I realize how the experience of that moment speaks
volumes about the essence of being Christian. We are ‘in Christ’. What is His
is ours. All those saints are our brothers and sisters praying for us, even the
angels do. Our true home is with them. When we sing the litany, when we
remember them, they do not remain a memory from the past or an
interesting story to read. They are with us. Why? Because of Christ and the
Church. Christ is our hope and they know Him as glory as we will do one
day.
On a simple level and on the other side, we are in communion with
them because in Christ, there is no more death that can separate us from
His love. One of the profound attractions I felt and experienced towards the
Catholic Church lies in the fact that the ‘we’ of faith comes before the ‘I’.
The second moment, when I fell in love, even more fundamentally real,
came during the lifting of the host at consecration. To see the priest hold
high the consecrated host, no words can express what I experienced then. If
I try, I would say that I felt this: “Christ is really present. Not only spiritually
or emotionally, also concretely and as fully as possible.”
I did not
understand this by reason, but as a way of knowing – a knowing through
knowing. All I wanted to do was lie down before Him in complete silence.
Our unity as a Church lies in Christ who sent from the Father and
through the Holy Spirit comes to us very really in the Eucharist. Not our
thinking, our decisions, our points of view or theories bind us together. He
does and here lies our true hope for He is not an idea but a Person in whom
and with whom we have all things in common.
To allow the Eucharist to be the beating heart of the Church can free
us from so much nonsense, ideology, talk about talk. The many, many words
that certainly we as westerners have become so good at. It is so freeing to
experience first of all the Eucharist, and thus Christ, as the beating heart of
the Church for life comes before thought. In the faith community I am a
member of, our priest will often say: “Lets pray and not talk. Let God do the
work. Then we will see.” Our experience is that this increases the sense that
peace does not need to be talked about, explained, or analyzed. It can
simply be received and thus our speaking together is always a listening. As
to me personally, when I began to deal with the impact of sexual abuse, I
received help from an excellent therapist and woman of prayer. What I did
not expect is that daily participation in the Eucharist continues to chase
away even that which remains trapped deep within me and to strengthen me
there where I will always remain scarred. Christ is our medicine, our healer.
From that moment on
The Easter Vigil bound my heart, mind and thinking together in one
unavoidable ‘yes’! Here I saw, tasted and rejoiced in the reality that it is in
the Eucharist that our unity
and most profound communion lies –
irrespective of our culture, language or life experience.
The weeks afterwards, I reacted like someone in love. I could not eat or
sleep, I whistled and sang. Yet, I knew that becoming a Catholic would
change everything. I was, however, more prepared for losing many of my
friends and my job with an evangelical student organization then for the
discovery that the Eucharist is not simply a happening, a weekly or even
daily celebration in and of itself. It is a way of being and of living while
resting in the depth. It never ever ceases to challenge and strengthen at the
same time and often quietly, unconsciously and only understood a long time
later.
Put differently, once I was received into the Church, I was freed from
the western thought that faith begins with a concept or idea. It does not. God
did not shun becoming human. He even rejoiced in it so that we could not
only be saved, but be taken into His very life. Thus our own lives, no matter
what the circumstances are, can be filled with hope for He is our hope and
our promise of glory. Hope is for the Christian an ever increasing reality and
one that is very, very needed in the country where I come from.
Sometimes I wonder whether this is the reason that we sensed a
calling to go to Belgium even though it was heartbreaking to leave the
Philippines. But, that belongs to Gods wisdom and providence and I do not
need to know His purposes, only to trust and thus to obey.
Eucharistic living as missionary presence
Nearly one hundred and fifty years ago, the blessed John Henry
cardinal Newman, said that he believed Europe would go through a period of
unbelief and this for the first time ever. There had always been some kind of
faith, from natural religion to superstition and then Christianity. He was
right. There is growing unbelief. Many people are either indifferent to the
faith and wary of or negative about religion, especially now that the number
of Muslims is increasing.
Let me illustrate where the change lies. There is an interesting
connection between the city of Cebu and the city of Mechelen, or Malines as
it is better known, the place where the Archdiocese of Belgium is and where I
also happen to live and work. The connection is actually Santa Nino. The
small statue that is such a source of devotion and living liturgy that
strengthens the faith, and thus hope, of many people, was brought here by
the Spanish but made in Malines. What is now Belgium was at the time also
under Spanish rule. Yet, one thing is striking. Santa Nino has a twin, the
infant Jesus of Malines. When you see pictures of it, they are very similar in
height and style. Where is this Jesus of Malines now? It fell in private hands
until it was moved in 2009 to the Louvre museum in France. Whereas here
the Santa Nino is celebrated, the one that belonged to Malines is placed
naked in a glass cupboard. Religion and especially Catholicism is for many
people in my country like a museum piece. Sadly, very few people realize
that this means that we eventually also put the mystery of life itself in a
museum and with it joy, hope and even peace.
A great darkness lies over my country. We have amongst the highest
number of people who commit suicide world-wide.
Many people are
suffering from burn-out, depression and extreme loneliness. Not too long
ago, the mayor of our town told us how shocked he is when he visits people
in the large villa’s and houses that are numerously present. In many of these
palaces only one person lives, often elderly and very lonely. Beautiful on the
outside, inwardly suffering.
Where poverty in relationship, in silence, and in inner peace is a
reality and where arrogance tends to reign with subtle hand, these things
develop over time. Unbelief and secularization lead to a apathy and a loss of
sensitivity for the mystery of life itself. Gradually, the minds and the hearts
of the people have become numb to the Gospel
Yet, Gods love never ends. He continues to long for these people and so
do we, so do I. I long for them to be taken into the deep blessedness of the
Church and there to receive grace, day by day, to discover who God is – our
Father.
When the blessed Newman predicted this period of unbelief, he was
equally convinced that only communities of living faith could be the answer.
I agree with him, but would take it one step further. There is a need as never
before to learn to be present in what is a new context and one where the
Church has a very important but also beautiful opportunity. It is to let go of
all pre-occupations and to become humble as Christ was. This can only be
done if those who have faith give ourselves completely to Eucharistic living.
Little did I know that as a new Catholic I would become one of the
founding members of a community of faith. Yet, here I am. We came into
being out of a desire to live the Christian faith as richly and concrete as
possible. Throughout the years this brought us into becoming a 'liturgical
community'. We do not only pray but live together in a Benedictine abbey.
Every day we celebrate the Eucharist and pray the liturgy of the hours. We
commit ourselves fully to welcoming anyone - and to give each person space
to be. Yet, from this we go out into the world, strengthened by the Lord’s
prayer that assures us that His will be done and supported by the knowledge
that Christ is present and that His peace will never end.
What happens to us during our work, in our relationships, we can
bring back to the Eucharist, where, for example, we have that moment of
penitence when we saying ‘through my fault’ three times. At some point I
began to connect the first ‘through my fault’ to my personal sinfulness, the
second to that of our community, local church and nation, the third to the
world. The miracle is revealed later when we pray the ‘Agnus Dei’. Christ is
the One who will take away all our sin. In fact, sin will flee from Him. What
hope!
The strength of the Eucharist and Eucharistic living
One of the great temptations for living in a country where the Church
rapidly ages and diminishes while unbelief grows, is to fall into negative
attitudes or to withdraw into a nice small group that licks its own wounds
and becomes indifferent to the world. Another is to believe that we ourselves
can save people if only we speak clearly enough, argue decently, are able to
move people, etc.
Yet, the Eucharist itself is different. It is a celebration of the Mystery of
faith that expresses Gods longing for us poor human beings. Even in the
deepest darkness the presence of Gods glory searches for our happiness.
What through grace we are all able to discover in ever greater depth is
that the Eucharist shapes us in thankfulness, communion and peace – even
in times of suffering. Thus it prepares us to one day move beyond the ‘hope’
towards the reality of glory but, of equal importance, it allows us to be
present in our specific cultural context as we are becoming in Christ or, put
more accurately, when Christ our hope becomes our glory and people are
attracted to Him through us, His instruments.
Being His instruments can only happen if we listen to the tune that He
plays and that is the harmony of the Eucharist.
What kind of harmony? Actually, I wish I could let you listen to what
has become one song that I take with me every single day. It is part of a
hymn written by Thomas Aquinas to celebrate a feast of the Church that
actually began in Belgium: corpus Christi. One verse of it can be sung
separately. These are the words in L atin with the English translation:
O salutaris Hostia,
O, salutary Victim,
Quæ cæli pandis ostium:
Who expandest the door of heaven,
Bella premunt hostilia,
Hostile wars press,
Da robur, fer auxilium.
Give strength; bear aid.
Uni trinoque Domino
To the Triune Lord,
Sit sempiterna gloria,
May there be everlasting glory;
Qui vitam sine termino
that life without end He
Nobis donet in patria.
to us give in our homeland.
Amen.
Amen.
In the midst of a situation where euthanasia is becoming common
place and where elderly people are ignored or often put in so-called old
people’s homes, where fear is on the increase and the hearts of my fellow
citizens are breaking due to the silencing of a longing for God, where violent
reactions are growing like mushrooms and restlessness has become a way of
life… to be like Christ is to live sacrificially. He sacrifices Himself in such a
way that the doors of heaven expanded and expand, flew open and remain
unlocked. Whatever darkness seems to rule, whatever sin shouts
oppressively, this very Hostia – the victim and the Eucharistic host – is the
One who gives us strength to be present like Him. Our true homeland is
with Him and so we can live life lightly, knowing that He is really and truly
present as hope for all who are willing to receive Him.
Eucharistic living is the calling of the Church everywhere but in my
country it takes a special form. Words are not heard, symbols have lost
power but the Mystery of God who became human never ever loses its
beauty. Whom else is so humble and strong at the same time? What we eat,
we become, saint Augustine said. If we empty ourselves and then eat Christ,
drink Him, absorb Him, allow Him to penetrate the deepest corners of our
heart and there let us be filled with his hope, we will spread His light.
Through the Eucharist, we are called day by day to live the concrete
paradoxes of humanity's deepest source for happiness: "lose to find", "receive
by giving", "live by dying". This is the joy of Eucharistic life.
One thing I would like to end with. It is a plea to you all and especially
to those from countries and places outside of Europe. Please, do not follow
Europe on the road to secularization and unbelief. We have lost the ability to
kneel and it makes us unfree. We have lost humility and it makes us
decrease in humanity. Only Christ Himself can save us and He is needed in
the most joyful and real way possible, free from our interpretations and
ideologies. Pray that we will return to the Eucharist, there where Christ is
unconditionally present, so that we can be like Him present as peacemakers
pure in heart and poor in spirit, empty of ourselves and so full of Him that it
spills out in deeds of pure goodness.
One day, one of my sons asked me: “Mum, why are you so happy?” I
can say only one thing: Christ and Christ alone. I became a Roman Catholic
due to the Eucharist and it is here that I have found my true home. How I
long for every single person as well as for whole nations to taste and see how
great our God is and how indescribably beautiful his desire is for us to
receive hope and grow in His glory.