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Cracking Communication
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Current as at March 2014
Introduction and Overview
1. Why develop communication?
2. The foundation of communication
3. Reasons for communicating
4. Developing rapport
5. Active listening
6. Listening styles
7. Communication styles
8. Giving feedback
9. Common barriers
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Why develop communication skills?
• We communicate everyday – for every purpose – so
we it’s important to get good at it!
• Our ability to connect with, and work with, others
depends upon our ability to communicate.
• Our ability to get what we want, and need, depends
upon our ability to communicate.
• Studies have shown the single biggest factor in the
success of your personal, social and professional life
is your interpersonal communication knowledge and
skills.
• While we may have some natural communication skills
any skill can be developed.
Source: DeVito, J. A. (2009). The interpersonal communication book (12th ed.) Boston, MA: Pearson Education.
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“Communication is at the heart of one of the greatest
needs people have: to establish and maintain close
relationships.” (p. 17)
Source: DeVito, J. A. (2009). The interpersonal communication book (12th ed.) Boston, MA: Pearson Education.
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Laying the foundation
• Human beings are interpersonal and interdependent.
• The way we interact and relate is through
communication.
• The basic foundation of communication must be a
genuine like for others, or, at the very least, a respect
for our shared humanity.
• Cultivate an attitude of open minded, non-judgment.
• Take responsibility for your part in the communication
process.
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Reasons for communicating
There are five key reasons why we communicate:
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To help
To learn
To relate
To influence
To play
Source: DeVito, J. A. (2009). The interpersonal communication book (12th ed.) Boston, MA: Pearson Education.
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Developing rapport
The Oxford Dictionary defines rapport as:
“A close and harmonious relationship in which the people
or groups concerned understand each other’s feelings or
ideas and communicate well.”
We feel rapport when we feel understood.
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Crucial aspects to rapport
According to the previous definition there are four key
aspects of rapport:
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Relationship
Understanding feelings
Understanding content
Communicating well
Communication cannot be truly effective without rapport.
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Exercise
• Consider a time when you felt communication went
really well. What was happening? What was being
said? What were you hearing? What were you
feeling?
• Consider a time when you felt communication went
really badly. What was happening? What was being
said? What were you hearing? What were you
feeling?
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Developing rapport
Simple steps to developing rapport:
1.Use non-threatening non-verbals
2.Find common ground
3.Listen with curiosity
4.Use minimal encouragers
5.Check your understanding
6.Show empathy.
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1. Use non-threatening non-verbals
Be aware of your non-verbal communication, including:
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Facial expression
Stance
Proximity
Tonality
Smile, engage with your eyes, maintain an appropriate
distance, tilt chin slightly down, use a lower tone of voice
– above all, relax.
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2. Find common ground
• To begin any initial conversation find non-threatening
and safe topics.
• Try commenting on a shared experience of the
environment you are in, or a question about them or
their experience (not too invasive).
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3. Listen with curiosity
• To truly listen it is important to concentrate on the
speaker rather than your own internal dialogue (easier
said than done!).
• Too often we are formulating what we are going to say
and waiting for an opportunity to interject!
• We have two ears and one mouth – try listening twice
as much as speaking.
• Consider how you listen when you are genuinely
interested and curious about something.
• We naturally ask questions when we are interested.
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4. Use minimal encouragers
• Let the person speak until there is a pause in the
conversation.
• Interrupting can negatively impact rapport – so avoid
interrupting.
• To show you are listening try nodding, using
appropriate facial expression, speaking minimally, eg.
“yes”, “right”, or “ok”.
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5. Check your understanding
• You may be surprised how often you hear something
other than what the speaker intended.
• Everything we hear is through the filter of our own
experience.
• Checking your understanding ensures the speaker
can clarify if you have misunderstood or focused on
aspects of the message that were not a priority.
• When the speaker has finished speaking check you
have understood by summarising what you think their
message was.
• Incorporate content and feelings into your reflection –
otherwise known as active listening.
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6. Show empathy
The Oxford Dictionary defines empathy as:
“The ability to understand and share the feelings of
another.”
• Empathy is not sympathy.
• Reflecting feelings is a powerful way to show empathy.
• Empathy can be shown by considering how you would
have felt and stating the possible impact, eg. “How
frustrating. That must have been a really hard week
for you”.
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Active listening
There are three simple techniques to active listening:
1.Paraphrasing
2.Reflecting feelings
3.Asking questions
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1. Paraphrasing
• State in your own words what you think the speaker
meant.
• Paraphrasing allows the speaker to clarify.
• Paraphrasing ensures you have understood correctly.
• Don’t paraphrase every sentence!
• Paraphrase when there is an opportunity for
misunderstanding and when you want to keep the
conversation going.
Source: DeVito, J. A. (2009). The interpersonal communication book (12th ed.) Boston, MA: Pearson Education.
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2. Reflecting feelings
Reflecting feelings:
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allows you to show empathy
helps the speaker to feel understood
builds and maintains rapport
allows the speaker to see their feelings more
objectively
• helps the speaker to get clear on how they are feeling.
Source: DeVito, J. A. (2009). The interpersonal communication book (12th ed.) Boston, MA: Pearson Education.
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3. Asking questions
Asking questions:
• ensures your understanding of the speaker’s message
is accurate
• allows you to gain further information
• shows your interest and care.
Source: DeVito, J. A. (2009). The interpersonal communication book (12th ed.) Boston, MA: Pearson Education.
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Listening styles - Exercise
Match the statement
to the listening style:
Source: DeVito, J. A. (2009). The interpersonal communication book (12th ed.) Boston, MA: Pearson Education.
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Communication styles
There are 4 communication styles:
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Aggressive
Passive
Passive-aggressive
Assertive
If you want to communicate effectively, the goal is to be
an assertive communicator.
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Communication styles
Aggressive
The aggressive communicator is adversarial and
threatening.
• Advantages: Others often avoid conflict with the
aggressive communicator.
• Disadvantages: Others often stay away from the
aggressive communicator, resulting in loneliness,
isolation and further anger and resentment.
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Communication styles
Passive
The passive communicator unconditionally “goes along”
with the crowd.
• Advantages: The passive communicator rarely
experiences conflict.
• Disadvantages: The passive communicator doesn’t
express themselves authentically, can be taken
advantage of, avoids issues, may not have their needs
met, and may feel resentment towards others.
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Communication styles
Passive-aggressive
The passive-aggressive communicator appears to be
passive but displays aggression subtly.
• Advantages: The passive-aggressive communicator
avoids open conflict.
• Disadvantages: The passive-aggressive
communicator doesn’t express themselves
authentically, avoids issues, is defensive, may not
have their needs met, and feels resentment towards
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Communication styles
Assertive
The assertive communicator expresses content, feelings
and outcomes clearly, balancing their needs with the
needs of others.
• Advantages: There is an opportunity for everyone to
get what they want and need as expectations are
clear.
• Disadvantages: No such beast!
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Steps to assertive communication
There are three simple steps to assertive
communication:
1.State the behaviour you find problematic
2.Communicate how it makes you feel
3.State the outcome you would like.
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Giving feedback
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Feedback can be positive or negative but all feedback should be given in
a positive way.
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Praise in public – make suggestions for improvement in private
Sandwich technique:
• Positive
• Behaviour for change
• Positive
Feedback is most effective when:
• Timely
• Regular
• Specific
• Followed up
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Common barriers
Denial - The other person denies their part in the issue.
Response: Maintain your position and restate the facts using assertive
communication.
Blaming you – The other person says you’re to blame for the issue.
Response: Use assertive communication, own your part in it (if there is any
truth to what they are saying) and return to the issue you are raising.
Splitting hairs – The other person debates about small details while
avoiding the main issue.
Response: Point out the conversation is getting stuck in small details and
return to the main point.
Stalling – The other person delays or avoids the discussion.
Response: Keep insisting the importance of having the discussion and get
the other person to commit to a time to discuss the issue.
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Source: http://www.med.umich.edu/painresearch/patients/Communication.pdf
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Next steps
1. PRACTICE!
• Practice building rapport.
• Practice active listening.
• Practice the three simple steps to assertive communication.
• Practice giving feedback.
Remember developing any skill takes time and can feel
uncomfortable until you become familiar with it.
2. Get support when needed
Performance Advantage offers a six session coaching program on
communication, taking you through the practical application of each
of the principles touched on today - and supporting you to effectively
communicate.
Call Performance Advantage on 0408 897 079.
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