Download Lesson09 A Foundation for Good Communication

Lesson 9
A Foundation for
Good Communication
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
How do you communicate?
It is important to understand how your
communication style is interpreted by
others to avoid miscommunication and
misunderstandings.
Use the following checklists to assess
your communication style!
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Aggressive Communication
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You choose and make decisions for others.
You are brutally honest.
You are direct and forceful.
You are self enhancing and derogatory.
You’ll participate in a win-lose situation only if you’ll win.
You demand your own way.
You feel righteous, superior, controlling – later possibly
feeling guilt.
Others feel humiliated, defensive, resentful and hurt around
you.
Others view you in the exchange as angry, vengeful,
distrustful and fearful.
The outcome is usually that your goal is achieved at the
expense of others. Your rights are upheld but others are
violated.
Your underlying belief system is that you have to put others
down to protect yourself.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Passive Communication
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You allow others to choose and make decisions for you.
You are emotionally dishonest.
You are indirect and self denying.
You are inhibited.
If you get your own way, it is by chance.
You feel anxious, ignored, helpless, manipulated, angry
at yourself and/or others.
Others feel guilty or superior and frustrated with you.
Others view you in the exchange as a pushover and
that you don’t know what you want or how you stand on
an issue.
The outcome is that others achieve their goals at your
expense. Your rights are violated.
Your underlying belief is that you should never make
someone uncomfortable or displeased except yourself.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Passive-Aggressive
Communication
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You manipulate others to choose your way.
You appear honest but underlying comments confuse.
You tend towards indirectness with the air of being direct.
You are self-enhancing but not straight forward about it.
In win-lose situations you will make the opponent look bad or manipulate
it so you win.
If you don’t get your way you’ll make snide comments or pout and be the
victim.
You feel confused, unclear on how to feel, you’re angry but not sure why.
Later you possibly feel guilty.
Others feel confused, frustrated, not sure who you are or what you
stand for or what to expect next.
Others view you in the exchange as someone they need to protect
themselves from and fear being manipulated and controlled.
The outcome is that the goal is avoided or ignored as it cause such
confusion or the outcome is the same as with an aggressive or passive
style.
Your underlying belief is that you need to fight to be heard and
respected. If that means you need to manipulate, be passive or
aggressive, so be it.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Assertive Communication
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You choose and make decisions for you.
You are sensitive and caring with your honesty.
You are direct.
You are self-respecting, self expressive and straight forward.
You convert win-lose situations to win-win ones.
You are willing to compromise and negotiate.
You feel confident, self-respecting, goal-oriented, valued. Later
you may feel a sense of accomplishment.
Others feel valued and respected.
Others view you with respect, trust and understand where you
stand.
The outcome is determined by above-board negotiation. Your
rights and others are respected.
Your underlying belief is that you have a responsibility to protect
your own rights. You respect others but not necessarily their
behavior.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Communication
Think about how others will respond to the
different styles of communicating.
Aggressive vs. Passive
Passive vs. Passive-Aggressive
Aggressive vs. Passive-Aggressive
Passive vs. Assertive
And so on…
Assertive Communicators have a strong
foundation to begin the cycle of Good
Communication!
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Basics of Communication…
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No matter what style you
communicate with, there is always a:
A SPEAKER
and a
A LISTENER
Someone will be sending messages
while another is receiving.
 Roles will always be reversing.
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Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Destructive vs. Constructive
Communication
Words, tone of voice and body language
matter.
 It’s not always what you say, but how you
say it.
 Someone’s entire day can be made better
or ruined by a comment made by you.
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Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Hammer of Communication
THE CLAW IS LIKE
DESTRUCTIVE
COMMUNICATION.
THE SHANK IS LIKE
NON-VERBAL
COMMUNICATION:
It is sharp and dangerous
and is used to destroy and
tear down relationships.
It is strong and can
be used to support
construction or
destruction.
THE HANDLE OF THE
HAMMER IS LIKE US– IT
IS THE DRIVING FORCE.
We are in control of our
communication and
choose to use it in a
constructive or destructive
manner.
THE HEAD IS LIKE
CONSTRUCTIVE
COMMUNICATION.
It is smooth and rounded
and is used to build and
help put things together.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Destructive Communication
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Blaming – Frequently blame each other
while trying to find out who is at “fault”,
who started the fight, etc.”
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Examples – You are the one that’s not
listening. You did this…. You should of …
Interrupting – Interrupts another
person, it is a sign that one idea is more
important than another.
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Stop communication, Shows disregard for
other person’s ideas.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Destructive Communication
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Endless Fighting – Arguments that never
end. Bring up the old issues that have
nothing to do with what’s happening now.
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Examples: Just like when you…
Character Assassination – Name calling,
belittling comments about sensitive
subjects, and insulting remarks. (Sarcasm)
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Examples: Destroys self-esteem, trust, and
communication.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Destructive Communication
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Calling In Reinforcements – Involves outsiders
in your personal relationships and quarrels.
 Example: to save face
Withdrawal – Withdrawing from communication
avoiding conversation in families communicates
hurt, rejection, neglect, indifference, &/or
anger.
 Example: “I don’t care” “fine” “I’ll do it”
Need to be right – Some people refuse to
admit any need to always be right.
 Compromise is a win-win situation.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Communication Roadblocks
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These stop communication from
happening…
Shouting
 Name Calling
 Physical Aggression
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They also can destroy
a person’s self-esteem and create
fear.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Constructive Communication
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Timing – Select a good time to do your
important communicating.
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Examples: Asking for something when parents walk
in from work.
Clarity – Mean what you say and saying
what you mean. Beware of sarcasm.
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Example: I hope you had a great time at
the movie last night with all your other
friends!
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Constructive Communication
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Asking Questions – People seldom say what
they really mean the first time.
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Example: Why, What, Where, When, Do you mean….
Reflective Listening – listener mirrors back
thoughts and/or feelings the speaker is
experiencing. Purpose is to clarify.
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Example: Are you saying? You seem to be saying?
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Using I- Messages
State the feelings and thoughts you
are having at the time of
communication.
• Lets others know how you feel without
making people defensive.
- “I feel … … because … I would like …”
 Don’t blame the other person.
•
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Using I- Messages- Practice
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5.
Stop interrupting me, don’t you know that it is
rude to bother someone when they are
reading?
You’re being a jerk.
You are always in a terrible mood, it’s bringing
everyone else down.
You are so irresponsible, you never do what
you say your going to do.
I cannot believe you are blowing me off again.
I guess our friendship isn’t important to you
anymore.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Communication Patterns
What you’ve learned from your
family?
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Communication
Communication plays a critical role in
building and maintaining healthy
relationships.
 Communication is key is in developing
intimacy- truly knowing someone and
feeling connected.
 Research show that the ability to
communicate and handle conflict highly
influences the success or failure of any
relationship over time.
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Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Communication Patterns
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Everyone has certain communication patterns
that they use in everyday life.
Some of these patterns are good and should
continue, other patterns create conflict.
Good patterns can be learned, as can skills
for improving bad patterns of communication.
Nothing has a greater influence on
communication patterns than what you’ve
experienced growing up.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Family Communication
You learn your communication patterns from
your family.
 Most families have neither perfect nor
totally horrible patterns.
 It is essential for everyone to take a
serious look at their own family's patterns
and decide what positive patterns of
communication to keep and what harmful
ones to leave behind and work to change.
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Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Communication
Since humans are not born knowing
how to communicate- communication is
something you learn.
 You can unlearn negative patterns and
replace them with more productive
ones.
 We will work on discovering good
communication patterns and how to
improve our communication skills.
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Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Communication Patterns Questionnaire
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Thinking Brain vs. Angry Brain
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Angry Brains Aren’t Smart Brains
Cortex
Where logic, reason, perception,
planning, and problem-solving take
place.
Limbic System- in the Temporal Lobe
Where emotions (e.g. positive and/or
negative) are registered.
Hypothalamus
Secretes hormones to your nervous
system to react- Fight or Flight
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
The Brain
• When a person is angry, they are not
using their “thinking brain” – the cortex.
• The cortex is where logic, planning,
problem-solving, reasoning, and formal
thinking take place.
• Instead their thoughts are coming from
the lower brain stem- which regulates
bodily functions, reflexes, and reactive
impulses.
• The lower brain really does not think, it
reacts- fight or flight.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
The Brain
• When someone is threatened, under
stress, or becomes angry or riled up
they cannot access the power of their
thinking brain.
• They cannot be reasoned with. It is
best to walk away.
Angry Brain = Not Smart Brain
Thinking Brain = Smart Brain
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
The Brain
• Not until a person calms down can they
return to their “thinking” brain.
• This includes lowering their blood
pressure, heart rate, and stress
hormones.
• This process takes at least 30 minutes.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Time Out– What to Do
1. Recognize escalation is a
2.
Say, “We need a Time Out.”
3. Do or say something to calm yourself down.
4. Come back to talk about it—wait
at least 30 minutes, but no more
than 24 hours.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Time-Outs
• Time-Outs provide a way for you to
get out of the situation that is
being dominated by your lower
brain.
• By taking a time-out you are giving
you and the other person time to
calm down and allowing the brain to
go back to operating in a higher,
thinking state.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Anger
• Remember that Anger is neither
smart nor powerful.
• You may feel powerful, but really
you are begin controlled by your
impulses.
• Getting out of that angry state by
using our communication skill of
time out can give you power.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Empowering Yourself- The Time
Out Skill
When you are all riled up and you feel that
someone is attacking or criticizing you,
how much can you really listen to what
the person is saying?
 Time-outs are a way to exit out, back off,
chill out, and get back into your smart brain
state.
 Remember that no can make you stay in a
discussion that is getting you riled up. You
have the power to remove yourself.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
What do you say?
“I need a time-out. It’s hard for me to
listen right now.”
 “Let’s agree to stop for now and come
back and talk about it tomorrow.”
 “Let’s chill a bit and talk when we’re
calmer.”
 “I really want to understand you, but
our emotions are running high and it’s
too hard right now.”
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Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Rules for Time-Out
Never say “you” need a time-out. It’s
pretty obvious that this will make
someone even more defensive. Always
say “we” or “I” need a time-out.
2. Decide to drop it for now and come back
later- at least 30 minutes later but
within 24 hours- to talk it over. Use the
Speaker-Listener Technique when you
do.
1.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Do’s and Don’ts for Time-Outs
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2.
3.
DON’T rehearse negative thoughts or
hurtful, vengeful comments you plan to
make when you talk again.
DO try to identify what is really behind
the anger.
DO have a few soothing messages to
repeat to yourself when you are angry
to replace the negative thoughts that
can keep you angry.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
During a Time-Out
Remind yourself that you are:
V = valuable,
I = important,
E = equal and
W= worthy
You can easily remember this by recalling the
letters VIEW.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Speaker-Listener Technique
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Speaker-Listener Technique
Most people want to communicate, but
don’t know how to do so when it really
counts.
 The Speaker-Listener Technique
offers rules and structure for keeping
a difficult conversation under control.
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Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
S/L Practice Prompts
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2.
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4.
Your school is considering bringing in school
uniforms. What is your opinion and why?
Your school is considering doing away with the
3-month summer vacation and extending the
school year to 12 months with shorter vacations
spread out throughout the year. Do you agree
or disagree and why?
What do you think about the death penalty?
Why?
Should the drinking age be lowered to 18 years
of age or stay at 21? How do you defend your
position?
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
Taking Care of Relationships
People of all ages want to feel appreciated by
others in their relationships. You want to feel
that others recognize the positive things
about you.
 The break-down of a relationship involves not
only the build up of negatives but also the
decrease of positives.
 Researchers have found that people who have
lots of positives in their relationships and who
work at maintaining their friendships seem to
naturally manage their own conflicts.
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Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.
• What is it that you admire and appreciate about
this person?
• What are the “gifts” this person has given you or
what have you learned from this person?
• What impact has this person had on your life?
• Does this person have something to do with who
you are today?
Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.