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PACS 3700/COMM 3700 Communication & Conflict Management Sept 10, 2014 Conflict Communication Announcements: • Please get online textbook vouchers in—they are needed by next week! – If you haven’t turned one in yet, you can buy it, take a picture of it, and send me the picture by email. Then give me the actual piece of paper next week. Announcements: • Complete Tom Sebok handout linked to course schedule page. • Tom’s lecture and his handout will be on the first midterm! Assignment #2 • Actually USING Active Listening & I messages • TWO appropriate conversations (at least one conflict) • Do sometime from now on (not in the past) • Due 9 am Oct. 13—but don’t leave it to the last minute! Assignment #2, cont. • Write a 1-2 page report on what happened for each (2-4 pages total) – Describe what the situation was (briefly) – What you did (so I can tell if you used the techniques properly) – What happened – How it felt (natural, unnatural, challenging [how]) (Exact questions are on the assignment details on D2L. Be sure to read those!) For all assignments: • Format in MS word, rtf or pdf. NOT pages!! • Put your name and assignment number on the filename (burgess-A1.docx) • Put your name on the first page of the document also. • Put both reports in the same document (2 stories, but one file to open) • Turn into dropbox and get a receipt! Questions? PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication Question: What were your “take aways” from Tom’s presentation? The things that resonated most with me were: • Bad conflict communication is “natural” • Good conflict communication can seem awkward, hard, even inappropriate. • Good conflict communication takes lots of practice and continued vigilance. (Like playing tennis.) • Is it worth it? Look at the alternatives! PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication Other key points: • The goal of effective conflict communication is to make it safe to disagree. • Watch out for “banana peels.” PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication From past years…did he say it this time? • The only person you can change (reliably) is yourself. • So if you want to change the outcome, then change yourself – the way you think about the problem, – the way you respond to the problem – and your response MIGHT change the other person’s response. But the key is: Focus on YOUR behavior first, EVEN WHEN THEY are the problem! Continuing on w/ Tom’s handout… • I-statements (messages) and You-statements (messages. • What are they? Do they always start with the word “I”? • What are the advantages of I-statements? – Disadvantages? I-statements • What are some “banana peels” of Istatements? • Practice – see exercise on page 5. Then try again with the scenario on page 4. Describe the Gap • Another “three part” technique. • Used when expectations are not fulfilled. 1. Start with the facts about what was expected. 2. Describe what actually happened or didn’t happen. 3. Ask an open-ended question about why things didn’t go as planned. Can combine w/ 3 part messaging to create “4 or 5-part messaging” • Part 4 – Describe the impact on you (using an I-statement) • Part 5 – Make a request…how would you like the situation fixed? • Practice with scenario on page 6. PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication • Strategies to know: – Active listening (also called empathic listening) – I-messages – 3-part messaging (facts, impact, request) – Describing the [expectation] gap (expectation, facts, explanation of what happened—or sometimes, solution.) PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication • Things to know about each skill: – What they are – How and why they are used – Advantages, disadvantages – When to use them – When NOT to use them – Other caveats (Tom calls them “banana peels”) In groups of 2, fill out this chart Skill Active Lis. I-messages 3-part mess. Des. Gap. Advantages Disadvantages When Use When NOT use Active Listening “Banana Peels” Neal Katz’s diagram of active listening traps. I message “Banana Peels” – Other person doesn’t care about what you think. – It comes off self-centered, uncaring about the other. – Can be interpreted as manipulative. How do you avoid these? PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication • “Banana Peels” for Gap – Phrase facts as “you message” – Accusatory “what happened” – Sometimes – if you’re in crisis situation because of someone’s failure to keep a promise, etc., finding out the answer to “what happened” is less crucial than solving the immediate problem. PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication • More on three part messaging: Mary Rowe suggests writing a letter (or email). 11. What are the advantages of this? 12. Disadvantages? 13. What about conflict (resolution) by phone? (Advantages/disadvantages) 14. Text? (Advantages/disadvantages) PowerPoint Summary of: Conflict and Communication The “Four Horsemen” Comm & Con Exercise Part III 1. Can you think of any examples where someone has used one or more of these communication modes against you? (Describe in 1 or 2 sentences) 2. What was your response? 3. Can you think of a time YOU used one of these modes? What was the result then? 4. Can you think of another approach that might have worked better? PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication • Practice Exercise 4: You walked into the kitchen in the apartment you share with two other roommates and noticed that Chris left her/his dirty dishes (now being marched all over by a battalion of ants) on the kitchen counter – despite an agreement among all three of you that dirty dishes would be put in the dishwasher. 1) Respond with one or more of the 4 horsemen. Play that dialogue out. 2) Use one of Tom’s strategies for good conflict communication and play that one out. 3) Compare. 4) What are impediments to doing #2 in real life? PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication • MORE PRACTICE EXERCISES: Initiating discussion about YOUR concerns . . . 2. You are upset that your roommate has been borrowing your clothes. Although you aren’t certain, you thought your Roommate Agreement covered that topic but s/he has been borrowing your clothes without asking. Use an I Statement or Open-Ended Question to raise this concern with your roommate. PowerPoint Summary of: Conflict and Communication Useful Link • How to Stop Fighting A Seven-Step Tutorial for People Involved in Relationship Conflicts • http://stopfighting.crinfo.org/special_projects/stop_fi ghting/index.jsp