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Assertive Communication
Learning Objectives
At the end of this topic, you will be able to:
• Identify the Four Styles of Communication
• Identify techniques and strategies to get your
point across confidently and effectively
• Determine the root causes of weak
communication and how to overcome them
• Develop and Demonstrate Assertive
Communication Skills
Communication Styles
______________________________
Four Basic Styles of Communication
• Passive
• Aggressive
• Passive – Aggressive
• Assertive
Communication Styles
______________________________
Passive
– A person operating from the Passive style
tends to avoid conflict at all costs. This person
will internalize discomfort rather than risk
upsetting others.
– This style tends to result in a lose-win
situation, and results in feelings of
victimization, resentment, and a loss of a
sense of control.
Communication Styles
___________________
Aggressive
The Aggressive person creates a win-lose
situation. This individual uses intimidation and
control to get his/her needs met, and is
disrespectful and hurtful to others in
communications.
This person has the underlying beliefs that
power and control are the only way to get their
needs met.
Communication Styles
______________________________
Passive – Aggressive
– The Passive-Aggressive person incorporates
elements of both of the previous styles. They
tend to use procrastination, forgetfulness, and
intentional inefficiency rather that being direct
in his communications with others.
Communication Styles
______________________________
Assertive
•The Assertive person is direct with the goal of creating a
win-win situation. This style respects one’s own rights and
opinions, as well as those of the other person.
•They operate from the belief that each of us is
responsible for solving our own problems, and neither
party in communication has to justify themselves to each
other.
•This person takes responsibility for his or her own
decisions and actions.
What is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to honestly express your
opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights, without undue
anxiety, in a way that doesn't infringe on the rights of
others.
• It's not aggressiveness, it's a middle ground between
being a bully and a doormat.
• It's dependent on a feeling of self-efficacy, a sense that
if you behave in a certain way, something predictable
will occur.
Why is Assertiveness
Important?
If you don't know how to be assertive, you might experience –
•
Depression - from anger turned inward, a sense of being helpless, hopeless, with no
control over your life; Resentment; Anger at others for manipulating or taking
advantage of me.
•
Frustration. How could I be such a wimp? Why did I let someone victimize me?
•
Temper/violence. If you can't express anger appropriately, it builds up until it blows.
•
Anxiety, which leads to avoidance. If you begin to avoid situations or people that you
know will make you uncomfortable, you may miss out on fun activities, job
opportunities, relationships, and lots of other good stuff.
(Cont.)
Why is Assertiveness Important?
If you don't know how to be assertive, you might experience -• Poor relationships of all kinds. Non-assertive people are often unable
to express emotions of any kind, negative OR positive. It's murder for a
relationship when the partners can't tell each other what they want and
need and how the other person affects them. No one is a mind reader. The
same is true for friendships and work relationships.
• Physical complaints. Headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure. We all
know what stress does to our bodies, and assertiveness, when it becomes
a habit, is a great stress reliever.
• Parenting problems. Kids are born knowing how to test the limits their
parents set for them. If parents aren't assertive and firm, their kids will walk
all over them!
WHAT DOES ASSERTIVE
COMMUNICATION LOOK LIKE?
• Much of our communication is non-verbal. A
person with an assertive communication style
has a body language that conveys openness
and receptiveness.
• Posture is upright, movements are fluid and
relaxed, tone of voice is clear and with
inflection.
• An assertive person makes good eye contact,
and is aware of personal space.
(Cont.)
WHAT DOES ASSERTIVE
COMMUNICATION LOOK LIKE?
• When giving opinions, an assertive person is willing to express
his/her opinion, and also is open to hearing other’s points of view.
• They are direct, but not argumentative or threatening.
• They do not use sarcasm or gossip as a way to communicate.
• They do not silently sit back out of fear of not being liked.
• When an assertive person receives feedback from others, they
are able to listen and accept what the other person has to say,
even if they don’t agree. Many people have a hard time receiving
feedback, even if it’s positive. How many times has someone paid
you a compliment and you simply dismiss it, or minimize it rather
than hearing it and simply saying “thanks”!
(cont.)
WHAT DOES ASSERTIVE
COMMUNICATION LOOK LIKE?
•
No one likes to hear negative feedback, but an assertive person
does not react to criticism by counter-attacking, denying, or feeling
anxious or inadequate.
• They make a conscious choice about how to respond the criticism.
• They ask for clarification to make sure they are really hearing what
the other person is saying.
• Importantly, they can validate the others’ party’s feelings, without
necessarily agreeing with the person’s feedback.
• If the negative feedback is valid, they accept responsibility.
Communication Strategies
________________________
1. Know and understand your audience.
2. Be prepared.
3. Speak clearly.
4. Practice using “I” statements.
5. Ask for feedback from trusted colleagues
about the way you are coming across.
Communication Strategies
________________________
Know and understand your audience.
Is assertiveness always the best way to go?
Before you decide to act assertively in a given situation, you have to decide
if you can live with the consequences. Although assertive behavior
usually will result in a positive response, some people might react
negatively to it.
For example, if your boss is completely unreasonable and is known to go
ballistic if anyone dares question his orders, even non-aggressive,
respectful, assertive behavior might set him off and you could lose your
job. If that's your situation, then you may decide you can't afford to be
assertive, and will need to learn other stress management techniques.
(Cont.)
Communication Strategies - Know and Understand Your Audience
• You must be able to relate to people with
diverse backgrounds, education levels,
and experiences.
• Being able to understand and relate to a
specific individual will go a long way in
working with others.
Communication Strategies - Be Prepared and Speak Clearly
• Be prepared.
•
Speak Clearly.
– Know what you want
to say.
– Preparation leads to
confidence.
Practice using “I” statements
•Avoid using “you” statements that distance
you from your feelings. Instead, use
statements that begin with “I feel ______”.
•Avoid using “you” statements that accuse.
Many people interpret statements that
begin with “you” as blaming and will often
become defensive in their response.
(cont.)
Practice using “I” statements
•
"I love my job, but I am not defined by it.
•
"I am a strong and worthwhile person."
•
I'm here to help you and support you in any way I
can. If you trust me, then together we can turn this
around.
•
I'll pay extra for you accommodating me.
•
I'm sorry, I value our past relationship but I simply
cannot take on any more projects right now.
Ask for feedback from trusted colleagues
about the way you are coming across.
• Listeners “read” our voices in addition to
listening to our words.
• Speech sounds provide subtle but
powerful clues into what we really mean.
• Tone of voice can indicate sarcasm,
anger, affection, good humor, or
confidence.
• Tempo/rhythm indicate level of interest
Exercise – Don’t Use That Tone
of Voice With Me
“Don’t use that tone of voice with me.”
Root causes of weak communication
and how to overcome them
1. Blurting things out before thinking what the impact of our
words may be.
Think before you speak and make sure that you are truly saying
what you want to. If necessary, jot things down on a piece of
paper before a difficult situation
2. Allowing ourselves to be overrun by others and saying yes
to every desire.
Remind yourself that it’s ok to say No! The tone that you use
and the way you say it makes all the difference. Be genuine and
considerate of the other persons feelings, but stay firm in your
answer or you will regret it later.
(cont.)
Root causes of weak communication
and how to overcome them
3. Thinking only about what we are going to
say next in the argument.
Actually listen when people are talking to you! One
way to practice this is to ask for clarification on things
if you are unsure what the person said. Summarize
their words and then reflect them back to them. They
will be impressed with your new listening skills, and
most likely less defensive.
(cont.)
Root causes of weak communication
and how to overcome them
4. Our Ego gets in the way.
It would help us to be less egotistical. Not everything in life is about us.
Sometimes people are rude or curt with us simply because they are
having a bad day and we are the nearest target.
5. Believing that everyone must see the world the same way
you do.
Stop trying to convince people that your opinion is the “right one” It is a
losing battle! Everyone is entitled to their own opinion (including
you). Choose not to get upset with others when they don’t share your
views. Remind yourself that everyone is unique and there is no one right
way.
Developing Assertive Communication
Skills
- Value yourself and your rights:
• Understand that your rights, thoughts, feelings, needs and desires
are just as important as everyone else's.
• But remember they are not more important than anyone else's,
either.
• Recognize your rights and protect them.
• Believe you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity at all
times.
• Stop apologizing for everything.
(Cont.)
Developing Assertive Communication
Skills
Identify your needs and wants, and ask for
them to be satisfied:
• Don't wait for someone to recognize what you
need (you might wait forever!)
• Understand that to perform to your full
potential, your needs must be met.
• Find ways to get your needs met without
sacrificing others' needs in the process.
(cont.)
Developing Assertive Communication
Skills
Acknowledge that people are
responsible for their own behavior:
• Don't make the mistake of accepting
responsibility for the how people react to your
assertive statements (e.g. anger, resentment).
You can only control yourself.
• As long as you are not violating someone
else's needs, then you have the right to say or
do what you want.
(cont.)
Developing Assertive Communication
Skills
Express negative thoughts and feelings in a healthy
and positive manner:
• Allow yourself to be angry, but always be respectful.
• Do say what's on your mind, but do it in a way that
protects the other person's feelings.
• Control your emotions.
• Stand up for yourself and confront people who
challenge you and/or your rights.
(cont.)
Developing Assertive Communication
Skills
Receive criticism and compliments positively:
• Accept compliments graciously.
• Allow yourself to make mistakes and ask for
help.
• Accept feedback positively – be prepared to
say you don't agree but do not get defensive or
angry.
Assertive Communication Skills
Learn to say "No" when you need to. This is
the granddaddy of assertiveness!
• Know your limits and what will cause you to
feel taken advantage of.
• Know that you can't do everything or please
everyone and learn to be OK with that.
• Go with what is right for you.
• Suggest an alternative for a win-win solution.
Exercise – Assertive
Communication
• Review the following scenarios.
• Write down negative factors that you see
while you listen to the scenario.
• Be prepared to give your recommendations
on being more assertive.
Scenario #1
You are approaching someone about
behavior you’d like to see changed:
“Your friend, who habitually arrives late
for your plans, has shown up 30 minutes
late”
Scenario #2
- The assertive boss places a pile of work
on the employee's desk the afternoon
before that employee goes on vacation..
- The assertive employee tells the boss
that the work will be done upon their
return.
(cont.)
Scenario #2 –
• Assertiveness is based on balance - it requires
being forthright about your wants and needs while still
considering the rights, needs, and wants of others.
When you are assertive, you ask for what you want but
you don't necessarily get it.
• Aggressive behavior is based on winning - it
requires that you do what is in your own best interest
without regard for the rights, needs, feelings or desires
of others. When you are aggressive, you take what you
want regardless, and you don't usually ask.
(cont.)
Scenario # 2
• The boss was being - aggressive
Yes, he had work that needed to be done. However, by
dumping it on his employee at such an inappropriate
time, he showed a total lack of regard for the needs
and feeling of his employee.
• The employee on the other hand, demonstrated
assertive behavior when he/she informed the boss that
the work would be done, but it would be done upon
return from vacation.
Scenario #3
At least a third of work colleagues are viewed as being
competitive, with most workers viewing this as a negative thing. A
number of senior executives believe that employees are more
competitive today than they were a decade ago. The majority of
people want a workplace that is conducive to getting along with
others to ensure that work is productive and enjoyable. However,
sometimes workers who have an overly competitive attitude to
work can make this difficult to achieve and can create rifts in the
workplace.
“You suspect you're on the receiving end of regular negative
treatment dished out by an over-competitive co-worker.”
How would you handle this?
Summary
•
Assertive behavior is often confused with aggressive behavior, however,
assertion does not involve hurting the other person physically or
emotionally.
•
Assertive behavior aims to equalize the balance of power, not to “Win
the Battle” by putting down the other person or rendering them helpless.
•
Assertive behavior includes expressing your legitimate rights as an
individual. You have a right to express your own wants, needs, and
ideas.
•
Remember: Other individuals have a right to respond to your
assertiveness with their own wants, needs, and ideas.
•
An assertive encounter with another individual may involve negotiating
an agreeable compromise.
•
By behaving assertively, you open the way for honest relationships with
others.
Summary
• Assertive behavior is not only determined by “what
you say”. A major component of the effect of your
communication depends on “how you say” it.
• Assertive words accompanied by appropriate
assertive “body language” make your message more
clear and have more impact.
• Assertive body language includes:
- Maintaining direct eye contact.
- Maintaining an erect posture.
• Speak clearly and audibly.
- Do Not use a soft, whiny, or muffled voice.
Summary
• Use facial expressions and gestures to add emphasis
to your words.
• Your communication style is a set of learned
behaviors.
• Assertive behavior is a skill that can be learned and
maintained with practice.
Learning Objectives
You are now able to:
• Identify the Four Styles of Communication
• Identify techniques and strategies to get your
point across confidently and effectively
• Determine the root causes of weak
communication and how to overcome them
• Demonstrate Assertive Communication Skills
Assertive Communication
Presenters
Gwenda S. Tiger, International Examiner LB&I Tulsa,
Oklahoma (918) 384-3740
Pauletta Churchwell, Special Enforcement, SBSE,
Tulsa, Oklahoma (918) 384-4755
Steve Lambourne, Chief, Java Application
Architecture Group (JAAG) (972) 308-1507