Download Communication - Understanding Marriage, Family, and

Chapter 8:
Communication in Families
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Communication in the Family
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It is impossible not to communicate
Couples often cite communication difficulties
Communication – complex process
Why? One reason:
Digital message – ___________
_______________ – message contained in body
language, facial expression, or way words are
spoken _____________.
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• Approx. ____ of the impact (meaning)
comes from metamessage
• Interpret meaning of words using
metamessage
• Leakage: Univ. of Oregan study – p.249
Couples asked to fake happiness
• Gottman exercise: Are you okay? p.242
• Terribly hurt
• Bizarre plan of action
• Ready for a difficult physical challenge
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What We Communicate: ______,
Thoughts, ________, Observations
 Needs- biological and learned
• The need to _______– Separateness or
independence vs.
__________,connected,close (S/I) - Tannen
• Communication often reflects this S/I dimension
• Wives - language of ___________; husbands language of ___________
• Example.
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• Needs -- partially unconscious
• We do not say, “I am driven by my need…”
Instead, we behave, hoping…
• our partner will respond appropriately. If this
happens…
• So communication is often indirect. Why?
• Tannen suggests:
1. Want others to know without having to tell them – same
__________
2. Does not feel right; having to tell someone to care is a
suspect kind of caring
3. Indirectness is safer.
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 Ask partner to care  turn away  hurt 
damaged relationship
Being indirect protects self/relationship
“Would you like to . . .” Allows partner to
refuse without provoking direct conflict
With needs – indirect com. common
Example – sexual desires/needs.
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• The Need to Love and Be Loved
The Five Love Languages – Chapman
• Words of __________
• Quality ____
• Receiving ____
• Acts of ______
• Physical _____
• The Need for Respect and Worth
• The Need for Power and Control
• The Sexual Need
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 Thoughts, beliefs, ideas are also
communicated
• Sometimes, prefaced by “I think.” sometimes
not
• Thoughts may hurt others or we may disguise
thoughts so as not to hurt others
• Wife asks, “What do you think of my new
dress?” Husband may hesitate, choose words
carefully.
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 Feelings are communicated 
• Little training in expressing feelings with
words
• Rather feelings come through in body
language, facial expression, tone, and intensity
of response
• Can be misinterpreted – mind reading
• Sharing feelings – risky
• Partner may fail to listen or make fun of
feelings, cause hurt
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• Observations are communicated
• This is factual information
• Usually straightforward and direct.
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Analyzing Communication
Problems related to sender
• Mistakes due to the sender’s failure to
communicate intent clearly.
• Another mistakes: senders verbal and
nonverbal message may not match
• Senders words correctly reflect thoughts but
sender does not explain. Leaves receiver to
infer thoughts
• Moods and feeling states
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Problems related to the receiver
• Inattention
• Current mood states - feelings may carry over from
hard day, past interactions
• Carry over - Positivity/negativity
• Gender differences
• These influence what is heard and how communication
is interpreted
• Helping couples analyze com. impact
• (+) (0) (-)
• The relationship bank account/feelings
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Communication impact: (+) (-) (0)
One study:
• Happily married couples – match between speaker intent
and receiver impact
• Unhappy couples – much ___________ between speaker
intent and receiver impact
• A pattern emerged – wives in unhappy marriages
interpreted husbands’ comments more ________ than
husbands’ intent
• While husbands in unhappy marriages interpreted wives’
comments more _______ than wives’ intent
• Husband living in another world
• The inflated currency in his relationship bank account was
bogus – not worth the paper it is printed on
• Early warning signs of faulty communication.
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How not to talk: Dan Wile
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Common communication mistakes:
Using “you” statements rather than ___ statements
Using the words “never” and _______
Responding before exhibiting _______ and
understanding for partner’s view
Making _____ reading responses
Call partner name such as “neurotic” or “crazy”
Bringing up old grievances from past (kitchen
______)
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Core Issues that Underlie Conflict
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Goldberg
Nurturance – _____ and love
Intimacy – closeness and distance
Power and Control – ______________
Fidelity/faithfulness – ____
Differences in Style
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Communication Styles: Why we are different
• Past training
• Personality and temperament differences
• Gender differences
How we are different: male/female
• Females – move toward others, attempting to share
feelings and be close (Involvement & connection)
• Males – uncomfortable with closeness, expression of
feelings, and sharing personal concerns: talk about
things- the game, the car, the stock market
(separateness)
• Enjoy giving advise and opinion when ? arise.
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Other Differences in Male and Female
Communication Styles
Female
•Talking about problems is helpful.
It provides relief and leads to
support and closeness.
•Talking with someone about
problems shows you value that person
and that’s important even though
topic may not be important.
Male
•Talking about problems and
negative things is not helpful. Is seen
as complaining which leads no
where.
•Talking does little good. Make a
decision and move on.
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Female
•Letting others know that you
understand their situation
communicates support, closeness,
and strengthens friendship.
Male
•Bringing up someone’s problem
makes the person uncomfortable.
Indicates you feel sorry for them and
this may be taken as a put down.
•You show interest by asking questions •Don’t ask questions unless you want
specific information. People don’t
and others appreciate this.
want you to pry.
•Giving details helps others
understand your point of view.
•Providing detail is unnecessary.
Get to the point.
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Female
•When friends share
disappointments, even about
romance, it strengthens friendship
bonds.
•Silence means something is wrong.
Talk about it.
•When my partner tells me he loves
me and how wonderful our
relationship is, then I feel loved.
Male
•Sharing disappointments about
relationships does not help.
Complaining about such things is
pointless.
•When there is silence, everything is
fine. Why talk so much when
talking makes things worse.
•Actions are what counts. She
should know I love her because of
what I do.
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• Problems are often due to gender differences
and communication background differences
• How can your awareness of differences be
helpful?
• Allows you to see that differences are due to
past training or gender rather than evil intent or
intent to hurt
• If couple can be sensitive to differences this
may lead to greater understanding.
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Tannen on Gender Differences:
• Gaze and communication in children
• Creating connection and negotiating status
• Being direct and indirect in conversational
style
• Talking at home and in public groups
• Ritual opposition
• Nagging and self-initiative
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Communication When Conflicts Arise:
• Hendrix – the couple’s dialogue (p. 341)
• mirroring, ________, _______
• The PREP Approach – Markman, Stanley,
Blumberg
• Rules for Handling Conflict
• The ______________Technique
• Problem Solving: Agenda-______
brainstorming, __________, follow-up.
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• Distinguishing Between Events, Issues, and
Hidden Issues
– An event: an everyday occurrence
Example
– Events may trigger sensitive issues such as those
involving money, housework, time together,
children
– Underlying these sensitivities may be hidden
issues such as caring and love, intimacy, and
power and control.
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• PREP developers have noted several
common hidden issues:
 Power and control
 Needing and caring
 Recognition
 Commitment
 Integrity
 Acceptance.
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