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Chapter 8
Close Relationships: Family,
Friends, Lovers, and Spouses
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Close Relationships
• Interdependent Relationships with
Family and Friends versus
Loneliness
• Romantic Relationships and Falling
in Love
• Marriage: Happily Ever After and
Otherwise
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Interdependent Relationships
• Interdependence—common to all close
relationships, characterized by an
interpersonal association in which two people
influence each other’s lives, often focus their
thoughts on one another, and regularly
engage in joint activities
– Includes commitment to the relationship
– May be motivated by biological factors
• Evidence for the importance of social bonds exists in
other species
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Interdependent Relationships
• Family: Where Relationships and Attachment
Styles Begin
– Parent-child interactions constitute the basis for
expectations about later relationships.
• Adults use baby talk and display exaggerated facial
expressions to engage infants.
• Infants are equipped to interact with fellow humans.
– They are sensitive to facial cues and the sounds people make.
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Interdependent Relationships
– The lasting importance of parent-child interactions
• Attachment style—degree of security in interpersonal
relationships; styles develop on the interactions between
infant and caregiver and lead to the formation of two
basic attitudes self-esteem (attitudes about one’s self
worth) and interpersonal trust (attitudes about other
people)
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Interdependent Relationships
– Four attachment styles are:
» Secure Style-high in both self-esteem and trust; do best in
interpersonal relationships
» Fearful-Avoidant Style-low in both self-esteem and trust;
least adaptive attachment style
» Preoccupied Style-low in self-esteem and high in trust;
strong desire to form a close relationship, but feels
unworthy of a partner and is vulnerable to rejection
» Dismissing Style-high in self-esteem and low in trust; feels
deserving of a close relationship, but mistrusts potential
partners and tends to reject them to avoid being the one who
is rejected
– Styles appear to generalize to other relationships throughout life,
but quality of later relationships can result in a change in
attachment style.
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Interdependent Relationships
– Interactions with Other Family Members
• Other family members besides mothers interact with infants
and young children and they are influential.
– They can compensate for having an unresponsive mother.
– They are important in the development of values concerning
trust, self-worth, competition, and humor.
• Adolescents and their parents typically express positive
feelings about each other.
– This is associated with becoming an adult who has empathy,
high self-esteem, and interpersonal trust.
• Culture affects these interactions.
– Collectivist children are more likely to help their parents and
less likely to want to interact with people outside of the family
than are individualist children.
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Interdependent Relationships
– Relationships between and among siblings
• Are important in terms of what people learn about
interpersonal behavior
• Involve feelings of affection, hostility, and rivalry
• Are most likely to be positive if each sibling has a warm
relationship with the parents and if the parents are
satisfied with their marriage
• Tend to be negative for schoolyard bullies
• Tend to drift apart in adolescence, and may become close
again in middle adulthood
– About 20 percent of adult siblings are never close to each other.
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Interdependent Relationships
• Beyond the Family: Friendships
– Close friendships—relationships in which two
people spend a great deal of time together,
interact in a variety of situations, and provide
mutual emotional support
• People tend to be modest around their close friends and
are less likely to lie to them.
• Culture influences what friends value in each other.
– Both Americans and Japanese value considerate behavior, but
Americans, unlike Japanese, value a friend who is spontaneous
and active.
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Interdependent Relationships
– Gender and friendships
• Women report more close friends and value intimacy (selfdisclosure and emotional support) more than men do.
• Separation from a friend may be harder for women than it
is for men.
• Men and women tend to discuss different topics with their
friends.
• Opposite-sex friendships
– Men are more likely to expect a sexual relationship to develop.
– Women may want a man to protect them.
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Interdependent Relationships
• Loneliness—unpleasant emotional and
cognitive state based on desiring close
relationships, but being unable to attain
them
– Seems to be a common human experience
– Consequences of being lonely
• Negative affect including depression, anxiety,
dissatisfaction, pessimism, self-blame, and shyness
• May be perceived as maladjusted by others
• Poor health and reduced life expectancy
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Interdependent Relationships
– Why are some people lonely?
• Genetic predisposition
– Identical twins are more similar than are fraternal twins
• Attachment styles
– Individuals who are insecurely attached are more likely to be
lonely.
• Lack adequate social skills
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Interdependent Relationships
Copyright 2006, Allyn and Bacon
Interdependent Relationships
– Reducing loneliness
• Cognitive therapy (changing negative thoughts and
perceptions) and social skills training (teaching people
how to interact with others) help
– Loneliness as a response to external factors
• Relocation
• Social Rejection—when an individual rejects another,
not on the basis of what he or she has done, but on the
basis of prejudice, stereotypes, and biases
– Involves avoidance, disengagement, and cognitive dissociation
• Social Exclusion—when an entire group rejects an
individual based on prejudice, stereotypes, and biases
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Interdependent Relationships
• What are your thoughts?
– It would be hardest to have a relationship with a person
who has which attachment style?
• Why?
– What do we learn from our relationships with family
members that we carry to relationships with others?
– Can a man and a woman stay friends without being
sexually intimate with each other?
• Why or why not?
– What advice can you give to someone suffering from
loneliness?
Copyright 2006, Allyn and Bacon
Romantic Relationships
• Romance: Moving Beyond Friendships
– Similarities and differences between romance and
friendships
• Similarities include the need to affiliate, positive affect,
proximity, physical attractiveness, similarity, and mutual
liking
• Differences include sexual attraction, physical intimacy,
reports of being in love, and a desire for total approval and
acceptance
– Romantic relationships involve three schemas: self,
partner (idealized), and relationship (based on illusions).
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Romantic Relationships
Copyright 2006, Allyn and Bacon
Romantic Relationships
• Selecting a Potential Mate: Gender Differences
– Although men and women both want a kind and
intelligent partner who is faithful, men tend to focus on
physical attractiveness and women tend to focus on status
and resources.
• Males seek female attractiveness
– Evolutionary theory believes this is important since a mate’s
beauty is related to youth, health, and fertility and will enhance a
male’s reproductive success.
• Females seek males with resources
– Evolutionary theory believes this is important since a woman’s
reproductive success is improved by choosing a mate who can
protect and care for her and their offspring.
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Romantic Relationships
– Other theorists adopt culture-based explanations of
gender differences in mate selection.
• For example, both men and women can prefer a mate
who is wealthy.
– Finding a mate
• Dating is less common today.
• “Hanging out” in groups, which may result in pairing off,
occurs more frequently.
• Internet websites are becoming more popular.
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Romantic Relationships
• Love—combination of emotions, cognitions,
and behaviors that often play a crucial role in
intimate relationships
– What is the origin of love?
• Evolutionary theory offers an explanation.
– Reproductive success is associated with erotic interest and
interpersonal commitment.
• Culture also influences love and its expression.
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Romantic Relationships
– Passionate love—intense and often unrealistic
emotional response to another person
• Involves sexual attraction, the desire to be physically close,
and an intense need for love to be reciprocated
• Three factors are necessary
– Learning about love
– Availability of a potential love object
– State of physiological arousal that is interpreted as feelings of love
• Tends to be too intense to be maintained permanently
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Romantic Relationships
– Unrequited Love—love of one person for another
who does not feel love in return
• Most common among people who have an insecure
attachment style
• Men report more experiences than women do
• Person in love feels rejected, other may feel guilty
– Components of Love
• Companionate Love—based on friendship, mutual
attraction, shared interests, respect, and concern for
one another’s welfare
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Romantic Relationships
• Game playing love, possessive love, logical love, and
selfless love are four other styles of love.
– Gender differences in the endorsement of these styles have been
found.
• Sternberg’s (1986) Triangular Model of Love—
conceptualization of love relationships consisting of
three basic components: intimacy (closeness felt by two
people), passion (sexual motives and excitement), and
decision/commitment (cognitive processes involved in
deciding that one is committed to the relationship)
– Consummate Love—a complete and ideal love that combines
intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment
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Romantic Relationships
Copyright 2006, Allyn and Bacon
Romantic Relationships
– Romance, love, and sex
• During the 20th century, attitudes about sexuality
became more permissive.
• At the beginning of the 21st century, sexual
permissiveness is showing signs of decline.
– Due to social pressures to conform, unwanted teenage
pregnancies, and the rise of incurable sexually transmitted
infections
– However, most couples married in the 21st century had
premarital sex with each other and many had sex with others
before they were married.
» Premarital sex and cohabitation are not related to
marriage, marital satisfaction, or marital success or failure.
Copyright 2006, Allyn and Bacon
Romantic Relationships
• What are your thoughts?
– Under which conditions might women be just as
concerned with the attractiveness of romantic
partners as men are?
– What are benefits and costs of meeting a potential
mate based on information at a website?
– How does culture influence love and its
expression?
• Are cultural differences in this area likely to increase or
decrease?
– Why?
Copyright 2006, Allyn and Bacon
Marriage
• Marital Success and Satisfaction
– Similarity and assumed similarity
• Married people are similar to each other and their
similarity remains stable over time.
– Happily married couples believe they are more similar to each
other than they actually are (assumed similarity).
» A positive relationship between similarity and marital
success exists.
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Marriage
– Dispositional factors
• Some people are better than others are at maintaining a
positive relationship with their spouses.
– Narcissists (feel superior and lack empathy) report less
commitment to a relationship.
– People who are securely attached are more likely to experience
marital satisfaction.
– Other negative personality traits (anxiety, negativity, and
neuroticism) are related to marital problems.
» Expression of negative affect is associated with a greater
likelihood of marital failure.
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Marriage
– Marital sex
• Sexual interactions become less frequent as time passes
• Degree of similarity of sexual attitudes and preferences
predicts marital success
• Love and Marriage: Careers, Parenthood, and
Family Composition
– Is it better to be married or to be unmarried?
• Married men report being healthier and happier
• Women in a satisfactory marriage report being healthier
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Marriage
– Love and marriage
• Passionate love declines over time
• Companionate love is important to both spouses
– Work inside and outside the home
• Men tend to do most of the repairs; women do most of the
cleaning and cooking.
– Conflict can arise when the division of chores is perceived as
unfair.
• Dual-career spouses may experience difficulties
– Those with secure attachment styles deal best with competing
demands between job and marriage.
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Marriage
– Parenthood
• Can result in unexpected difficulties
– It can interfere with marital sex.
– It can cause additional conflicts in the relationship.
– It is associated with a decrease in marital satisfaction.
» Couples with a strong, companionate relationship and secure
attachment styles experience less of a decline
– Changes in family composition
• Marriage rates are down
• Rates of cohabitation, single-parenthood, gay and lesbian
couples with children, and remarriage are on the rise
Copyright 2006, Allyn and Bacon
Marriage
• When Relationships Fail
– Despite people’s optimism when they marry, 50%
of marriages end in divorce in the United States.
– Costs and benefits of marital interactions
• Communal Behavior—benevolent acts in a
relationship that “cost” the one who performs those
acts and benefit the partner and the relationship itself
– Is associated with marital satisfaction
» Marital satisfaction is related to maximizing benefits and
minimizing costs.
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Marriage
Copyright 2006, Allyn and Bacon
Marriage
– Problems between spouses
• Failure to understand the reality that spouse is not perfect
• Jealousy regarding real or imagined attraction toward
someone besides the spouse
– Infidelity can be a result or a cause of marital breakups.
• Conflict between desire for independence and the need to
be close to someone
Copyright 2006, Allyn and Bacon
Marriage
– Dealing with marital problems
• Best to use a constructive style that focuses on the topic
being discussed and attempts to resolve conflict
• Negative styles include avoidance, lashing out against the
partner, criticizing the partner, avoiding responsibility, and
asking hostile questions
– Men tend to practice avoidance
• Consider the long-term consequences of what is said and
done during conflicts
– Create positive rather than negative affect
Copyright 2006, Allyn and Bacon
Marriage
– Consequences of a failed relationship
• Spouses are likely to feel distressed and angry when marriage
fails.
• Active response to a failed marriage
– Ending the relationship or working to improve it
• Passive response to a failed marriage
– Waiting and hoping that the relationship will improve or waiting
for it to worsen
» People with secure attachment styles tend to work actively to
save a relationship.
» People with insecure attachment styles tend to end the
relationship or wait for it to get worse.
Copyright 2006, Allyn and Bacon
Marriage
• Children are victims of marital failures.
– They may experience negative long-term effects on their health and
well-being when their parents divorce.
– Parental conflicts are bad for children regardless if they result in
divorce.
• A failing marriage may be saved if
– Partners’ needs can be satisfied
– Each partner is committed to saving the relationship
– Alternative lovers are not available
• Most divorced people remarry
– Remarriages constitute almost half of all marriages in the United States.
Copyright 2006, Allyn and Bacon
Marriage
• What are your thoughts?
– What have you learned regarding how to have a
successful marriage or long-term relationship?
• What are likely sources of conflicts?
– What is the best way to avoid these conflicts?
• What is an effective strategy to handle conflicts in a
relationship?
– What should be kept in mind if one divorces and
children are involved?
Copyright 2006, Allyn and Bacon