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“HANGING OUT WITHOUT HANG-UPS” Date Rape Avoidance and Other Personal Safety Tips for Young Women Unfortunately • You are more likely to be raped while on a date, at a party, a friend or relative’s house or at your own home by someone you know than you are to be targeted by a stranger. © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Rape is violence that uses sex as a weapon • A rape happens in the U.S. every two minutes. • One out of every four women is likely to be attacked in her lifetime. • Most rapes are actually carried out by someone whom the victim knows. Acquaintance or Date Rape © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Who are these offenders? • Men from every economic, ethnic, racial, age and social group. “Acquaintance rape is not typically committed by psychopaths who are deviant from mainstream society. Direct and indirect messages given to boys and young men by our culture about what it means to be male (dominant, aggressive and uncompromising) contribute to creating a mindset which is accepting of sexually aggressive behavior. Such messages are constantly sent via television and film when sex is portrayed as a commodity whose attainment is the ultimate male challenge. Buying into stereotypical attitudes regarding sex roles tends to be associated with justification of intercourse under any circumstances.” ~ Malamuth, in Pirog-Good and Stets, 1989, Koss, 1988 © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell The World’s Message to Men • Sex is a commodity • Ultimate male challenge • To be had under any circumstances • “Over the past thirty years, America has transformed itself into a pornographic culture. With pornography firmly entrenched in today’s mainstream media, all women are now viewed as objects.” • “When we turn human beings into objects, it is easy to do violence to them.” ~ Lanae Valentine © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Who Is Most Susceptible? • Young women 16 - 24 Female Freshman 1st Semester • Women who are seen as passive and submissive • Women who keep company with aggressive males • Women participating in or around drinking and taking drugs • Women who are not watching for danger signals • Women who do not know what to do © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell No One Is Immune * Utah’s Rape Rate is 14th in the Nation “The sexual predator is alive and well in this community as well as over the world. I don’t want you to feel like this is Rapeville, USA because it’s not…We try to do everything we can to combat it but it happens.” ~ Arnie Lemmon © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell It’s not your fault There are no should haves Men rape mostly for power and from anger “Most commonly rape is a crime of opportunity – the victim is chosen not because of her looks and behavior, but because she is there.”~ Helen Benedict, Virgin or Vamp 1992 © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Rape Is Violence Using Sex As A Weapon Even if you make every mistake © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell How to Avoid Date Rape? Be Alert and Cautious Recognize and Get Out of uncomfortable situations Take Action to defend yourself if necessary © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Be Alert and Cautious Watch for Tip Off Attitudes and Behaviors “It’s easier to stay out of trouble than to get out of trouble!” Mark Twain © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Tip off Attitudes and Behaviors “Persistence proves persistence, not love. Relentless doesn’t mean you’re special, it means he’s troubled.” • Emotional intimidation • Possessive • • • • • • • Be Alert and Cautious Bossy, controlling, jealous Isolates you from your friends and family Abuses alcohol and or drugs Pushes your physical boundaries Is violent and angry Harbors negative attitudes about women ~ Gavin DeBecker Is scary, uses intimidation to make you do what he wants “Warning signs start kicking up even after the first date.” ~ Arnie Lemmon © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Be Alert and Cautious It is common to find a young woman dating someone whom she is not totally comfortable with simply because he is paying attention to her or because he is a “really nice guy most of the time.” She might ignore her feelings of discomfort thinking that she knows the guy she is with so it will be “ok.” She could be lured into a compromising situation just because she blindly trusts someone she thinks she knows. If someone you are with makes you feel uncomfortable in any way, he has just become a stranger to you. © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Be Alert and Cautious Set standards on who you date and demand they be met “It’s easier to stay out of trouble than to get out of trouble!” ~ Mark Twain © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Recognize and get out You have the right to say no to any unwanted sexual contact Remember that some people think that drinking heavily, dressing sexy, flirting or going to a person’s room indicates a willingness to have sex. © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Graduated Threat Recognize and get out Avoiding a potentially dangerous situation as soon as you feel even the tiniest bit uncomfortable with someone is your best defense. “One of the most encouraging facts you will learn from women’s success stories is that women who listen to, and act upon, their awareness and intuition, and who set strong verbal boundaries, have a very high success rate in defending themselves without fighting.” (Back Off!) The sooner you realize there could be a problem, and do something about it, the more likely you will escape unharmed. © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Recognized and get out Attend and leave parties with friends you can trust. Agree to look out for each other. Rohipnol: roofies, roach, R2, rib, rope, ruffies, GHB Don’t accept drinks from anyone © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Recognize and Get Out Stay with people – Go to people! • Rape can occur any time and place an attacker feels he has privacy and control • Don’t leave the party with him or go to a private room © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Recognize and Get Out “Dangerous men are dangerous only if they can get you somewhere. They are not dangerous on the dance floor, in the restaurant, in the crowded mall. If a man who intends sexual assault or rape has PRIVACY and CONTROL, he can victimize someone. If he does not have PC, he is not dangerous, period.” ~ Gavin DeBecker © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Take Action to defend yourself Don’t be afraid to make waves if you feel threatened or are under attack. • Attract attention • You want him to feel that he’ll be discovered • If necessary, defend yourself Assault is assault – defend yourself! © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Take Action to defend yourself If you are physically attacked… It’s time to take action with full commitment! © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Victim Mentality “You’re stronger” “I can’t defend myself” “Please don’t hurt me” © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell If an acquaintance/friend/date or even relative is trying to rape you, he is not the person you thought he was, he has now become a stranger to you. Remember, rape is VIOLENCE using sex as a weapon HE IS AN ASSAILANT and you not only have every right, but you must take appropriate action to protect yourself. © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Resistor Mentality You have NO RIGHT to hurt me in any way. I WILL do whatever it takes to defend myself! “If you are going to mess with me, it will be the hardest thing you ever do!” © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Take Action to defend yourself Make Adrenaline Work for You Righteous •Freeze Anger •Panic G iving •RAGE E nergy © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Take Action to defend yourself Righteous Anger G iving E nergy “Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are.” ~ 1 Cor. 3: 16-17 © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Take Action to defend yourself Learn to RAGE Resistor mentality: RAGE is natural Victim mentality: Need to learn how to RAGE GO ANIMAL!!! © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Take Action to defend yourself ROAR! Make Noise! Why is this person committing this crime? Because he thinks he can get away with it! © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Take Action to defend yourself Resist with total commitment Immediately RAGE Using anything at your disposal Never give up “It will be necessary to physically hurt someone who is attacking you for self preservation.” © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell If you’re going to mess with me it will be the hardest thing you’ll ever do! © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell END – HANGING-OUT WITHOUT HANGUPS © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Weapons: • Resist: • Run: “React Immediately” …drop all of your jewelry, purse and car keys at his feet” Run! “It’s not over until it’s over!” “Do everything you can to prevent him from moving you to another location” “If he takes you off the beaten path, chances are you’re not coming home” “Fight for your life and don’t give up” Patrick Malone © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Get Rid of Faulty Thinking We assume the best… …we MUST expect the worst! © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Often we are afraid of what will happen if we DON’T comply – we NEED to be afraid of what will happen if we DO! © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell You Will Always Have Options up to a Point • What is the Point? • When you are completely under his control Everything an assailant demands will directly benefit him and hurt you! © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Escape Techniques “Don’t fight like a man – fight like a girl!” ~ Brad Parker Defensive Position: “The ground is your friend, it levels the playing field.” ~ Brad Parker © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Confronting an Attacker • Recent studies show that females who fight back are less likely to be killed or seriously hurt. • A majority of attackers are seeking an easy target. The harder you make it for them, the better chance you have to survive. © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Key Points to Fighting Back • 1. Don’t panic • 2. Don’t freeze-up, react quickly • 3. Start yelling, make lots of noise © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell • 4. Strike first and strike hard • 5. Recognize and utilize escape opportunities • 6. Never give up! • 7. Do whatever it takes! © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell Assistance Afterwards/Emotionally • You may feel: – – – – – Fearful for your safety Shock and disbelief The need to blame yourself Wanting to forget it happened Guilty/ashamed © 2004 Stacey DeMille Wardwell