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Communicating with Others Chapter 9 What is Communication? Communication - Any means by which you can share a message with another person. Involves a sender and receiver Sender – transmits the message in a variety of ways Receiver – Hears and interprets the message A message may be hard to understand if the sender does not send clear, accurate, and complete messages. The receiver needs skills in listening and interpreting the message. Forms of Communication Verbal Communication – Uses words to send and receive messages Anytime you are using words to communicate, you are using a form of verbal communication Includes text messages, emails, etc. Nonverbal Communication – Uses means other than words, such as gestures, facial expressions, eye contact, body movements, and posture. Can be effective in sending messages even though you do not use words You may not always be aware of your nonverbal messages that you are sending, but others around you may still receive them. Listening Just as important as speaking The “receiving” part of communication Good listeners can lead others into deeper communication Active Listeners indicate to the sender that they heard the message and that they understand. Can include a smile, a nod, eye contact, or even saying “I see” Encourages further communication Feedback – communicating to the other person how you feel about what they said The sender knows you were listening because you are responding Passive listening – the opposite of active listening Takes in the words but gives no signs of hearing or understanding the message Empathy Empathy – the process of seeing things from another person’s point of view A skill needed of a good communicator Understanding how that person feels and why, without necessarily sharing those feelings at the same time. Different than sympathy Nonverbal Communication Body language – a form of nonverbal communication that you body gives off to a receiver Eye contact – another way of expressing yourself Breaking eye contact may symbolize you want to end the verbal communication happening Reveal some of your inner feelings through your use of body language Tension – drumming your fingers and swinging your leg Enthusiasm – smiling and nodding Authority – Steepling your fingers Styles of Communication Passive Communication – fail to tell how they feel or what they need. Do not stand up for themselves and allow others to violate their rights. Because of poor self-esteem, this type of communicator frequently becomes a victim who tries to please others by accepting their behavior and/or agreeing with them to avoid conflict. Styles of Communicating Aggressive Communicators – Try to build themselves up by putting others down. In order to be in control, they force others to do what they want while disregarding the other person’s feelings. Abusers tend to use this kind of communication or combination with the passive style – they are passive and unwilling to express emotions which make them feel vulnerable, scared, or hurt but aggressive about expressing anger. Styles of Communication Assertive Communicators – Use a clean, direct statement to indicate their wants and feelings. They resolve conflict by negotiating and compromising rather than giving in or forcing others to do what they want. Speaking Skills Assertiveness – Communicate firmly and positively You can be assertive without being rude. Feedback – a response to show that you understood the message – use to avoid confusion or misunderstanding. Speaking Skills Use TACK – Knowing what to say and what not to say. Tack involves empathy – see others point of view Saying things in a way that won’t hurt other people. Do: Think before you speak Use I messages Use positive remarks when criticizing Don’t: Compare people Ask about others private business Make comments hurtful to others Verbal Assertiveness By talking, we are communicating our needs, feelings, thoughts, and desires. We are working toward achieving our goals of being verbally assertive. Communicating firmly, and positively. You can be assertive without being rude. Verbal Assertiveness Initiating Conversation –We need to have the ability to initiate a conversation. Everyone has something to say. Most conversation is trivial. If you waited until you had something important to say, most people would be silent forever. Talk about anything, what is happening to you, what movies you have seen, an article you read in the newspaper. Ask questions to get people to talk about themselves (their favorite topic) Verbal Assertiveness Controlling Conversation –We control a conversation by choosing the topic of discussion and by not allowing others to interrupt us. Speak louder than you usually do. Ignore interruptions. Raise your hand like a stop sign and ask the person to allow you to finish what you are saying. Be firm but polite. Verbal Assertiveness Talk About Yourself – At least a little bit, in every conversation, talk about yourself. Use the personal pronoun “I” and share some of your feelings. Disagreeing – Since unassertive people are afraid to offend, they agree with everyone. Assertiveness Activity Read the following statements, and think of a way to say to these statements to set up for a positive response: You probably won’t have time, but I need help with my homework. I know are aren’t going to like what I am going to tell you. Don’t get mad, but I’m going to the party with my friends. I hate bowling. This is stupid. It’s really not important, but I need to talk to you. I just know that you want are wanting to go out with your old boyfriend/girlfriend. You probably don’t remember me. You never call. You-Messages and I-Messages Use I messages – reflect what you mean or feel • Communicate problems without escalating conflict • Statement about yourself • Begin with “I…” • Usually focus on a feeling • State a problem without blame You-Messages and I-Messages Don’t use You messages – blames the other person and directly attack the other person Communicate problems but may escalate conflict Statement about the Other Begin with “You…” Usually focus on an act Often blame the other for the problem You and I Messages Activity Change these statements into “I- messages”: You didn’t clean up the kitchen as you promised to do! You didn’t get your work done last night, so I had to do your work and mine too! Answers to Activity I was really disappointed when I came home and found the kitchen a total mess. I was really upset and stressed when I found I had to do all my work and your work too. Family Communication Activity 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. You cannot find a good time to talk with your parents Your parents do not trust you Your parents ask too many questions You are not sure how to approach your parents about a problem you have You want more privacy Your parents are upset about your choice of friends You want to be given more control over your life How to Improve Family Communication Build a “trust fund.” Earn your parents trust by keeping promises, honoring commitments, and fulfilling responsibilities Pick a good time to begin a discussion. Parents and teens alike have busy schedules, but if you all try, you can find a good time to talk Indicate your honest wish to talk. Parents may not be aware you want to talk until you tell them so. Retain a pleasant tone of voice, and avoid critical or sarcastic remarks. Nothing is gained by you raising your voice or speaking harshly. Use I-messages rather than You-messages Know when and how to “throw in the towel”. It is important to know when to give up a lost cause and put an end to an argument. Sometimes it is best to suggest dropping the issue for the time being.