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Communicating
Effectively
Chapter 9
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Learn to Listen....
You don't learn anything
from hearing yourself talk.
 from Love by Leo Buscaglia
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93% of communication is nonverbal
55% through facial expression, posture,
gesture
38% through tone of voice
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Nonverbal Communication
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Shaking hands, posture, facial expressions,
appearance, voice, tone, hairstyle, clothes,
expression in your eyes, smile, how close
you stand to others, how you listen,
confidence, your breathing, the way you
move, the way you stand, the way you
touch people, color choice, silence.
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People can think approximately 500 words
per minute
And the average person speaks 125 - 150
words per minute
People can give their full attention for
approximately 20 seconds
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Communication…
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Means to impart or to participate
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Latin word
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Imparts a message but also requires participation
by both sender and receiver
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Communication
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Sending
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Receiving messages
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Verbal and non-verbal
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3 Habits That Discourage
Communication
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Interrupting with trivial questions
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Giving unasked for advice
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Topping someone else’s story
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What happens when communication is a
one-way process?
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“I” Messages
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Say how you feel
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What you think
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Don’t criticize
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3 parts of an “I” Message
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I feel ---------
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-------when you---------
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------because--------
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No NEGATIVE feelings by avoiding attacks
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“I” Messages……
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Focus on underlying problem and not on
attacking other
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How can your tone of voice affect what you
are communicating?
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Are people aware of their own tone of voice
and body language???
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Deaf teacher???
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How can non-verbal communication be
misleading?
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Rolling eyes, looking away (maybe just tired)
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Ty decides to use an “I” message to tell
Milos how he feels. He said, “I feel you
were late on purpose, Milos. I think you
owe me a big apology for making me wait
so long.” Ty is surprised when Milos glares
at him instead of apologizing.
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Does Ty actually use an “I” message?
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Right Tone
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Words contain a positive message, but how
he says those words are the key.
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How can the tone of your voice affect what
you are communicating?
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Body Language
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Person’s posture
Facial expressions
Gestures
Way of moving
Affect not only how other see you but how
they react to you
Are people aware of their body language?
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Eye Contact
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Direct visual contact with another person’s
eye
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Different cultures have different
interpretations
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Arab nations avoid speaking to anyone with
sunglasses
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Arabic, Chinese, Latin America
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Use non-verbal communication
U.S., Canada, Germany
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Rely more on words
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Managing Your Image
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Good grooming
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Good appearance
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Good posture
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Choose time and place for speaking to
someone
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Talk when other person feels like talking
Don’t ask parent a serious question when
they just arrived home
Avoid times when emotions are high
Make sure person isn’t distracted
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Messages Received
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Active listening
Concentrating on what is said so that you
understand and remember the message
helps relationships
helps you grow
helps you know about your world
boosts self-esteem
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Feedback
Listener lets speaker know what he or she
is trying to understand from the message
being delivered
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Interject comment in pause
Summarize what the other person was saying
Express your interest by asking questions
Show empathy
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How To Listen Better
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1. Concentrate
2. Listen with purpose
3. Be positive
4. Make eye contact
5. Control emotions
6. Keep an open mind
7. Don’t interrupt
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Why is choosing the right time and place
important to communication?
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Why should you listen with a purpose?
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How can you offer feedback without
interrupting the speaker?
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Distances
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Intimate distance-no more than 18 inches apart
mom and baby
2. Personal Distance-18 inches to 4 feet
Casual and personal conversations
3. Social distance-4-12 feet
impersonal, business, social gatherings
4. Public distance-More than 12 feet
Public speaking
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WHY DO WE HAVE PROBLEMS
LISTENING?
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Cognitive Dissonance, a psychological
theory that applies to communication,
states that a person feels conflict it they
hold two or more attitudes that are in
opposition to each other. One way people
reduce dissonance is by ignoring the
conflict that is causing the conflict.
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Anxiety-Sometimes we can't listen
because our anxiety is too high.
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The Controlling Listener-always looks for
a way to talk about themselves and what
they are thinking about.
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The Passive Listener-Exerts little listening
effort-listen like a couch potatoes
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Negative listening responses
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Denying feelings:
"You shouldn't feel that way. "
Competing:
"I had a situation that was much worse than yours."
Evaluating:
"Your husband doesn't appreciate the work you do."
Being Philosophical:
"All bosses are hard to get along with."
"That's the way life is"
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Responding defensively:
"Don't blame me, I told you not to.."
Giving Advice:
"Quit this job and get a new one." "Calm down"
Defending the other person:
"Well understand her side."
Expressing Sympathy:
"I really feel sorry for you, it must be awful."
Questioning:
"What did you do to make him mad?"
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Forms of Non-listening
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Pseudo listening-pretending to listen
Monopolizing-Hogging the stage by continuously
focusing communication on ourselves instead of
the person who is talking
Selective listening- We screen out the parts that
don't interest us. We reject communication that
bores us or makes us uncomfortable.
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Defensive Listening- Perceiving personal
attacks, criticims, or hostile undertones in
communication where none is intended.
Ambushing- Listening carefully for the
purpose of attacking the other speaker
Literal Listening-Listening only to the
content level of meaning and ignoring the
relationship level of meaning.
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Positive Listening Response
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Suspend Judgment
Paraphrasing/Restating:
"In other words, your decision was to..."
"Your fed up with what's happening."
Minimal Encouragers: "
Tell me more" "Really" "Go on" "uh-huh"
"Yeah" "I see" "That's interesting" Nod
"Please go on..."
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Ask questions
"What do you plan to do?"
"How do you feel about that?"
"How are you working this through?"
"Have you just started feeling this way?"
"What are our reasons for feeling this
way?"
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Express support
"I can tell you've given this a lot of thought."
"I disagree with you but I respect your decision."
Reflecting
"You were pretty upset by this..."
Identify the emotion
"Are you mad at the situation or just a little
discouraged?"
Let the person work out the problem-"What are you going to do now?"
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Who you are
speaks so loudly
that I cannot hear what you are saying.
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Did you know that Silent and Listen are
made from the same letters?
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Language Riddles
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1. If you went to bed at 8:00PM, wound
the clock and stet the alarm to get you up
at 9:00AM, how many hours of sleep would
this permit you to have?
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1 hour (it’s a wind up clock)
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2.
Do they have a 4th of July in England?
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Yes
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3. How many birthdays does the average
man have?
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one
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4. Why can’t a man living in WinstonSalem, N.C. be buried west of the
Mississippi?
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He is living
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5. If you only had one match and entered
a room in which there were a kerosene
lamp, and oil heater, and a wood burning
stove, which would you light first?
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Match
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6. Some months have 30 days, some
have 31, but how many have 28?
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all
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7. If a doctor gave you 3 pills and told
you to take one every half hour, how long
would they last you?
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1 hr
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8.
How far can a dog run into the woods?
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Half way
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9. What 8 words appear on every current
denomination of U.S. coin?
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"In God we Trust-United States of America"
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10. I have 2 U.S. coins which total 55
cents in value. One is not a nickel. which
are the 2 coins?
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50 cent piece and a 5 cent piece (one is a
nickel and one is not)
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11. A farmer had 17 sheep: all but nine
died. How many are left?
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9
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A woman gives a beggar 50 cents. The
woman is the beggar’s sister, but the
beggar is not the woman’s brother. Why
not?
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She’s sister
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How many of each species did Moses take
aboard the ark?
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Noah not Moses
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Is it legal in Texas for a man to marry his
widow’s sister?
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He’s dead
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Lastly……
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Can you name three consecutive days of
the week without naming Sunday, Tuesday,
or Friday?
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Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow
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Why are there interstate hiways in Hawaii?
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Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
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Why do we drive on parkways and park on
driveways?
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Why is it that when transport something by car, it's
called a shipment, but when you transport
something by ship, it's called cargo?
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There is on egg in eggplant, nor ham in
hamburger, neither apple or pine in
pineapple.
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English muffins were not invented in
England nor French Fries in France.
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Sweetmeats are candies, while
sweetbreads, which aren't sweet ate meat.
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Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings
are square, and guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig.
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Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend; that you can
comb through the annals of history, but not
a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds
and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
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How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few
are alike?
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Why is it that writers write, but fingers don't
fig, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't
ham"
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If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth, beeth?
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One goose, 2 geese, So one moose, two
meese? Is cheese the plural of choose?
One mouse, 2 mice, One louse, 2 lice, One
house, 2 hice?
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If teachers taught, why didn't preachers
praught?
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If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does
a humanitarian eat?
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Why do people recite at a play, and play at
a recital?
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Why do people have noses that run and
feet that smell?
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How can a slim chance and a fat chance be
the same, while a wise man and a wise guy
are opposites?
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When a house burns up it burns down. You
fill in a form by filling it out.
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When the stars are out, they are visible, but
when the lights are out, they are invisible.
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When I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it!
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Activities
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Crystal Clear
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Divide into groups
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Come up with 6 to 8 characteristics to send
verbal and non-verbal messages
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