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Jewish Interfaith Families
by Amy Conquist
My topic is on Jewish interfaith families. I chose this topic because my dad was
raised Catholic and my mom was raised Jewish. We have Hanukkah ornaments on
our Christmas tree, and play dreidel with our Catholic cousins each year. I never
questioned it, as it was just the way we did it year after year, and I had never really
seen these holidays celebrated any differently. As I got older, I began to realize that
our family traditions are sometimes very different from other interfaith families. I
found it very interesting.
Although you may think that the idea of intermarriages began in the late 1960s, it
actually dates back to colonial times. Jews in the American Colonies often
intermarried Christians. The first recorded intermarriage was the marriage of
Jewish and Dutch-born Solomon Pietersen to a Christian woman in 1656. Her
mother was very upset and excluded the couple from the rest of the family. Jewish
intermarriages were also relatively common in the Young Republic era, which
spanned from 1789 to 1814 in the few decades after the American Revolution.
During this time period, about 20% of marriages were interfaith ones. In only
twelve of these marriages it is recorded that the non- Jewish spouse converted to
Judaism, which, according to Jewish law, is the only acceptable solution to interfaith
marriage. Interfaith marriages grew enough during this time that Jewish leaders
considered it a serious issue for the ongoing existence of the Jewish community.
Many faiths have different views regarding interfaith marriages. For example, while
many religions such as Christianity ban it in some churches, the Bahá'í faith allows
all intermarriage. Muslims may marry outside of the religion as long as the spouse is
from the People of the Book, either Christian or Jewish, and the children are raised
Muslim. Many different branches of Judaism are divided on the issue, too. Orthodox
Judaism completely prohibits all intermarriage. Conservative Judaism does not
encourage intermarriages, but encourages that the non- Jewish spouse be accepted
in the family, in hopes that they will convert to Judaism. On the other hand, Reform,
Progressive, and Secular Judaism tend to be more accepting of marrying outside of
the faith but a few try to persuade intermarried couples to raise their children
following Jewish religion and culture. According to a 2010 study of 2,500 people,
“Jews are the most likely to marry out and Mormons are the least likely. Muslims,
Catholics and Protestants fall somewhere in the middle. As many as 1 in 5 Muslims
marries someone of another faith” (Riley).
There are many challenges that interfaith families face. One of these challenges is
dealing with the views of their religions toward intermarriage. In some cases,
couples are excluded from one or even both side of the family because they married
outside the faith.
Many couples in interfaith marriages have struggles when deciding which religion to
raise their child. Many of the religions say that the children must be brought up that
religion, but this can create conflicts if one religion is completely ignored. Some
couples choose to non- religiously celebrate the important holidays of each. Often,
they choose to teach them about what the two religions have in common, instead of
their differences, and focus on overall values instead of just religious values. Some
couples even take their child to more than one place of worship, one for each
religion, for example, a church and a temple. Others choose one religion and teach
the child about the beliefs and traditions of that religion.
The number of intermarriages has increased drastically over time. Intermarriage
was comparatively uncommon in the late 19th century. However, since the 20th
century began, rates of Jewish interfaith marriages has gone up remarkably, and
between 1996 and 2001, 47% of Jewish marriage in the U.S. is to a non- Jewish
spouse. Intermarriage in the U.S. has gone up 20% since the 1960s.
After doing hours of research trying to find personal stories of people’s experiences
and struggles with interfaith families, I wanted to find out more. I decided to create
my own small survey. I wanted to find people in Jewish interfaith families and find
out if all families do it like mine. We realized that we know a lot of these people and
many were happy to share their experiences. We asked a small handful of people
five questions about the way in which the cultures conflict and blend together. I also
thought it would be important to ask about how their families reacted initially and
over time about the idea of their intermarriage.
When I received the results of the survey, I noticed some overall trends. I noticed
that most respondents answered that they have decided to raise their children
Jewish, but that they also celebrate Christmas and Easter without any religion. I
thought this was interesting because it is very similar to my family in some ways,
but it is sometimes different. I found it very surprising that there wasn’t much
conflict mentioned about deciding which parts of the religions and cultures to adopt.
What I found the most interesting was that most respondents said that their family
wanted them to marry into their own religion. While there were no conflicts in their
house, there were some conflicts with their extended family when they married
someone outside their religion. Of these respondents, though, all of them said that
once their family got to know the spouse, they liked them as a person. They grew
more accepting over time of their interfaith marriage and the conflicts that go with
it. Some respondents also added that even though their religion is the one being
adopted for their family, their marriage to someone of a different faith has caused
them to become less religious, or they raise their children with a mixed or less
religious background. This sometimes can result in conflicts with other family
members.
It is not always easier to be in an interfaith family. The divorce rate is 3 times higher
in interfaith families than in same- faith families. This is mostly because when adults
are in their 20s and 30s, they are in the most secular time of their lives, when they
don't think of themselves as religious. More than half of interfaith couples don’t talk
about how they will raise kids before they get married. Later, when they get older
and get married and have kids, religion comes back to them. If they change their
mind about how to raise their kids, it can cause arguments between them.
Studies show that people who marry someone of a different faith usually end up
having a more positive view of that faith over time. According to a study by Naomi
Schaefer Riley, author of a book about interfaith marriages, “A quarter of couples in
same-faith marriages actually started off in different faith ones. This suggests not
only that religion in America is remarkably fluid, but also that spouses can have a
powerful influence over one's spiritual choices.”
Now, we not only embrace interfaith families as part of today’s culture, but we are
surrounded by it all the time, especially around the holidays. There are many things
that affect our lifestyle. You may know someone who celebrates both Hanukkah and
Christmas, maybe you have seen it on tv, or maybe you even celebrate them
yourself. Tv has changed tremendously with the increase of different holidays being
celebrated in the world today. Many childrens tv shows have more winter themed tv
shows instead of just Christmas, in which the characters and the viewers learn about
many holidays, such as Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa. So far, no tv show or
movie has put two holidays together, except for the television show The OC. Four
episodes popularized the idea of Chrismukkah, described by character Seth as “eight
days of presents, followed by one day of many presents.” Companies have used this
made- up holiday to create merchandise to sell around the holiday season. There are
many Hanukkah and Christmas blends out there, such as the menorah Christmas
tree, the Star of David tree topper, and, funniest of all, the yamaclaus, a hilarious
cross between a Santa hat and a yarmulke. There are even childrens books
published discussing the topics of celebrating Hanukkah and Christmas at the same
time. Eight Candles and a Tree by Simone Bloom Nathan is an example of one of
these children’s books. It is about two kids who celebrate different holidays coming
together and sharing their traditions with each other.
As a child living in a family where we celebrate a mix of cultures and traditions, I
know that my life would not be the same if I was not part of an interfaith family. My
family is Jewish and adopts some of the holidays from my dad’s Catholic side of the
family. It is something that is a part of me and that I experience every day.
Throughout my research, I learned many things about interfaith families that I know
I wouldn't have learned otherwise. I didn’t know there were so many families like
mine, but also in many ways different.