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I’m extremely lost in my thoughts at the moment and finding everything hard to focus on and I just wish it would be easier to focus in class and shit but instead I sit and write everything that’s on my brain because otherwise it becomes too much to handle and I feel like I lose myself even more. I don’t feel like myself at the moment and shit is just piling up, I don’t fucking understand and I just always feel like I’m not enough and not doing enough for the right people and disappointing everyone around me, and it’s extremely fucking hard to try and live with and try and be enough but knowing whatever I do still won’t fix where I’ve fucked up. It sounds like bullshit and makes no sense, ‘excuses’ as Chrissie would say, but I’m hurting and confused and don’t know who I can talk to it about with, even though I have extremely supportive people around me and in my life that I can turn to, I still feel like it's wrong. I wish certain things didn’t happen the way they did. but I also wish things had happened between us and between certain people because it would’ve been nice, but I know for a fact I will screw it up, I just can’t seem to keep anything positive going. you’ve definitely stuck around the longest in my life in a while and I don’t know what I would do if you leave, well, when you leave, because everyone leaves and even if I don’t want to think like that and you will tell me to not think like that because ‘you won’t leave’ but we’ve been so distant recently and idk, I thought things were well but we’ve gone a bit off again, fuck I wish I could actually say this shit and more to you, I just don’t know how and don’t have the words to express how or what I’m feeling and can’t make this shit better but I don’t know if I can make it healthier or if this is just us and this is just going to be the way things go. I’m extremely sick of so much right now and just need to get my head straight but it’s so hard to do so when the shit just keeps piling up and getting so overwhelming and I just feel so confused all the time and I think the thing I know is that I don’t know at the moment, but I also know a lot and I just need to figure things out but I can’t do it by myself yet I try and ask for help and everything just gets brushed off by my parents when I need them the most, and they wonder why I don’t talk to them about shit because they don’t listen and don’t fucking understand no matter how hard I try and how much effort I put in to reach out to talk to them and just getting turned away and shut down fucking hurts and I just need a person, but having no one hurts like a bitch. I was talking to someone today, and he was saying how if someone doesn’t understand who I am and isn’t proud of me for what I’ve overcome then ‘they don’t deserve me’ and that what has happened to me doesn’t define who I am, but it does. Maybe it doesn’t, maybe I’m overthinking things but it sucks regardless knowing that people will always see me that way, and will always have those thoughts. That I am who I am because of those events, but I’m not and I am my own person and people need to learn that. I think it sucks realizing I could’ve had so much good with so many people but fucking it up because of my own shit and pushing the only people that actually gave a fuck away, I wish things were different and I could change what happened with people but I can’t. I can’t seem to ever be enough for the people I strive to be the best for and that feeling sucks, when your best isn’t enough and you don’t know what or how to change, but realizing the only way you’d be enough and accepted by those people would be changing yourself completely but you aren’t capable of that, no one is. This society has made such a toxic standard for people and as soon as you don’t meet those ‘perfect’ standards, you aren’t enough. Will never be enough. No matter what you change, what you do, there are people out there who are better, prettier, smarter, and can do everything you want and strive to do, but better. Sometimes this shit becomes so overwhelming I go into shut down mode, I shut myself off from the world and push everything good away and it sucks because that’s when I need people the most, but when I push them away like I do and then wonder why they leave? It’s my own fucked up problem. Knowing I have extremely incredible people in my life and around me but feeling so alone, feeling numb and like this isn’t real, but also feeling so fucking hurt and upset over everything. This sets the spirals off and that’s when I get really not good because I fall into a loop of overthinking everything and worrying about the little things and pushing people away when I need them most then feeling shitty about what I did, and not being able to explain myself properly. The constant feeling of having to apologise to people about putting myself first and trying to do the right thing but it never felt like the right thing because they make me out to be the bad person and make me feel so fucking guilty for doing the right thing, it gets to the point where I’m still so lost on what to do in so many different situations because I just don’t know what is right and wrong anymore because neither thing I do is the correct way and it hurts. Trying so many different things yet nothing working the way I want or need it to is hard. People telling me to look for the positives in life and focus on those, so I do but then the only positives turn to shit and I’m left back at square fucking one. Struggling to find the good things in life and feeling back at that dark place this shit started. Doing something, it’s wrong and not good enough and I should do it this way, so I do it the other way and that’s also wrong and not good enough, then I try to fucking explain how confusing and upsetting it is then being told I’m overreacting and shouldn’t bother trying to explain myself, because whatever I say is wrong anyway. Never being able to get my point across clearly because “I’m making up excuses” and them arguing with every single stupid word I say, so I stop trying. I stopped trying to prove myself and my point to people that aren’t worth proving to but still feeling like I have to make them understand and have to make them see my side of things because I can’t do this by myself but it always feels that way. My mum has been so frustrating to be around recently, without realizing she is hurting me so incredibly much and not understanding when I tell her how she is, she thinks it’s okay and that again, I’m overreacting. But when I get told by her that she doubts I have a future in horses and doesn’t think I’m good enough to make it somewhere in the horse world, even though Monica has told people around me, NZ’s best event rider I’ve got it in me and she’s extremely excited about my future, my mum still doesn’t see it. She tells me every day when I’m riding I’m doing something wrong and that she is frustrated with me because she doesn’t think I can keep doing this and persist with my horse, she just doesn’t think I’m good enough and that is so extremely hard to have to deal with every single day. Having the only thing we’re close with being the horses, and when that turns to shit everything does and it’s not fun to be around. So I move out, I move out to Monica’s whenever I can because that’s my escape, living somewhere else that isn’t home makes all this shit so much more bearable, not having mum on my case all day every day and being able to put 100% into my passion and focus on myself and my horses, this is when everything is good and I actually enjoy myself and enjoy life and am actually happy, genuinely happy. Not having to put on a fake smile to pretend like I had a good day at school, because I genuinely had a good day out at Monica’s because she just makes everything so much better, she understands and listens and puts her all into training me to be the best I can and pushing me as hard as she can so I get the results she wants, I want and can do the best for the both of us. But things could be worse, I could have it worse. People do have it worse and I’m thankful for everything I have but sometimes shit gets hard, like extremely hard but I’m also extremely lucky to be where I am and have what I have, so it’s always a positive/negative balance and I just have to do my best to keep things going well. I have so many great people in my life and they know who they are and I don’t know where I would be without them, probably not in a very good place. I’m very thankful for the people in my life and have some very special and important people that I love endless amounts, but these positives are so hard to focus on when the negatives can outweigh it all. It’s so hard feeling like I don’t have a voice, I say something and it’s brushed off. People don’t seem to take much interest in what I say anymore and I can just go days without messaging or reaching out to people and they won’t reach out to me. It really starts to show me who are genuine friends and people in my life and who are the temporary ones just here for the show and to see what happens behind closed doors. But no one does, not a single person knows what happens behind closed doors in my life and I wish certain people did, so they would know the impact their words have before they said the little, little things they do and say that can create such a massive spiral of thoughts and emotions and lead to the shit it does. It’s not their fault because they don’t know. It’s just frustrating when you can’t go your day without falling into a loop of your own thoughts, feeling so trapped yet having nowhere to escape to and go to, because no one genuinely knows what happens in my mind. I try to tell them what is happening and how I’m feeling but no one understands or will understand the real hard shit, because I don’t even understand the hard shit and definitely can’t talk about it because I’m terrible at putting my thoughts into words, I try as hard as I can to and want to talk to people about it all but I feel like such a burden to everyone, it fucking sucks. It hurts when you just want a solid, healthy friendship/relationship with someone but I have so much shit holding me back from giving my all to a person and they aren’t even aware of it. I wish people had some kind of an understanding but I’m also so aware of what I say in front of people because I don’t want to be a burden and don’t want to put my bullshit onto other people especially when they don’t deserve it or need to hear about it, but I just trust some people an insane amount and they know a lot, like a lot about me, but not the details, not what actually happened. Not the darkest and scariest thing that has ever even happened to me, no one knows and no one needs to know, because it’s my own shit and as usual I try to deal with it by myself but get stuck in my thoughts and in those spirals and turn to things I shouldn’t turn to because it’s not healthy at all and not fucking good for me or for the people who actually stop to check in and who actually care. The people who actually care have changed incredible amounts about me and I’m scared to tell a certain person something that happened because I don’t want to hurt him or him to be disappointed in me because I was doing good, I was doing better but I failed and let him down and it’s just hard to think like that but its how I think and how I function I guess? I feel like such a fucking burden to you all the time, like all the time. I want to be able to tell you this but I can’t so if you ever read this and figure out this is about you (this paragraph), you’ll be right. I just want to tell you so much and I don’t even know where to start. I feel like you don’t enjoy my company, you don’t enjoy hanging out and you feel the same, that I’m a burden. I want to change our friendship to something else but I just can’t because this is the way we are and since I first met you I’ve told you everything about me but I feel terrible for this and I’m realising this now as I type and as I’ve been thinking about it the past few days, weeks even, but you still reach out to have convos and still start chats so it can’t be as bad as I’m thinking, I just feel bad for always going to you when I have shit happening because it’s not healthy and I’m extremely surprised you haven’t left yet. But you will, everyone does and the day you do, well I don’t even want to think about how I will feel or cope, because it’ll hurt. A lot. Because you mean so fucking much to me and I don’t think you realise that you have such a great impact on me and on my life and you keep me, here? I don’t want to say that because it’s a lot for a person to have on their shoulders and I’ve had that responsibility before and have it now with an extremely toxic person, you just deserve to know you’re a reason I stay strong and at least keep trying because shit gets hard sometimes so I just think of the things you’ve said and told me to do. It’s hard because I really don’t want to hurt you or fuck this up to a point where you won’t want to come back. Anyway, next thing on my brain I’ve been through a lot. Things that no one, absolutely no one no matter how much hurt or pain they’ve caused someone, no one deserves it. I was sexually assaulted on the 13th of December 2019, I had something taken from me that I still haven’t got back and I don’t know when I’ll get it back. I had my trust stolen from me, I trusted him, I could even say I loved him but he stole everything from me, the ability to trust, my innocence, the ability to give my all to a person. He took it with a gesture that is not okay, a girl says no? She secretly wants it. She will want it, just do it. This is not fucking acceptable and this is what absolutely broke me as a person. He changed my life, in a terrible way. He has caused so much pain, hurt, and suffering from something that he said ‘it’s not bad’ and ‘you’re enjoying it’. This was the hardest part of my life, having to pretend like I was and am okay, but I wasn’t, and still, I am not. I haven’t been the same since. He fucked up my entire life. Nearly ended it too. He was the reason that on the 17th of December 2019 I attempted to take my life and I haven’t been the same since then. I constantly get these thoughts, ‘just do it’, ‘you won’t be missed’ and it’s fucking impossible to live with, but I am trying my best to shut those thoughts down. I turned to some not so good things, drugs, self-harm, alcohol. Anything I could use to escape I would try. When things get bad I try to turn to people, I try to ask for help and get people's support but it's so hard because I constantly feel like a burden, so when things get bad I turn to those things. Not usually drugs anymore, I’m trying to stop but it’s fucking hard. The self-harm thing, that’s scary, the feeling I get when that happens is insane. I feel like I’m not in control, I don’t really know what happens anymore. This shit goes up and down an insane amount and it’s hard. I don’t really know the point of this. I just thought it was time it got written down and put somewhere. Sexual assault changes a person, and it hurts and I just don’t know if I can keep doing this anymore. Pretending I’m okay when I’m really not, and not knowing what to do or how to cope, it’s hard. Moving on because this is the next thing on my brain, living with a suicide attempt is hard. People may say I’m attention-seeking by writing this all down and say that if you went through it and it was bad why do you talk about it? I talk about it because it’s not the option, it never is and never will be. You may seem stuck, you may think you don’t have another option but there are other options, you are never alone through this. This is something I wish I realised and I wish I knew that there are so many other options, there is an incredible support chain of people who are there to listen, help and make things better. It’s their job to help you and be there for you and listen to you, but it’s scary. “People don’t actually care, they’re not interested” oh but they are. They are so. People genuinely want to see you happy and succeed and do well and this is just everything I wanted to know and wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that things will be okay, that things are going to sort themselves out and I didn’t. I was left to my own devices stuck with my own brain and my own thoughts telling me the opposite. Telling me it’s not worth it because no one will benefit from having you around, and I believed it. I agreed with the fucked up thoughts running through my head and the only option was to not think anymore. Was to finish it without even trying. But it didn’t work, I failed. I beat myself up over the fact I couldn’t even succeed at something, such as taking my own life. But I realised it wasn’t right, it wasn’t my time either. That I have a future and I’m glad I’m still here to see it and see where my life could go. But knowing deep down I tried to take ‘the easy way out’ fucking hurts and it is hard to live with. It’s hard to live with the fact that was something I turned to when I should have asked for help, reached out, and made an effort to find myself the help and support I needed. But I’m not sure that would've helped either, because I asked for help now and I get turned away and shut down so fast. My issues just aren’t relevant anymore and that's something I have to learn to deal with and I am. I have to focus on the positives of my situations and just keep persisting because there is no other option. Absolutely no other option. There is a lot on this doc, like a lot. Things I haven’t felt comfortable sharing in a while but I’m sick of them being in my brain, if they’re on paper then at least I’ve shared my story and can start to move on and heal properly and can focus on the now and the good, because focusing on what has happened to me in the past isn’t good for me or for anyone. It’s good to process and understand but dwelling on it doesn’t get you anywhere unless backward counts. I need to finally talk about what actually happened on the 13th of December, but that’s hard and might take time. I don’t know yet but all I know is this is the path to getting better because if I keep shutting down and pushing everyone away I’m not going to get better, if anything I’m just going to struggle more and get worse and keep going downhill. So things might go a bit downhill, but what goes down must come up? Right? Slowly but surely shit is going to get better and I just have to keep striving for the good. Okay so new thing on my mind, what I was scared of is definitely happening and I don't know what to do and I feel so fucking bad right now, like extremely bad it’s gotten to the point I feel sick thinking about where I went wrong and what I can change and how I can change it because I need you a lot. Like so fucking much and I can’t mess this up, this is the best thing going at the moment and I don’t want to fuck up. I am just so confused at this point, was hoping things to start getting better but fuck it’s insanely hard when my brain keeps going back to all this bullshit and imagining the worst-case scenario for everything, I just want shit to be easy and things to go back to the way they were before I kept screwing up, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m lost. I hate this feeling I get, it feels like I’m suffocating. My chest tightens and I just feel so incredibly sick, a wave of nerves hit me, I start shaking, shit just gets so overpowering and once again I feel not in control, I feel like I’m spiraling and going to a place that isn’t too fantastic. It just hurts feeling this way and it is so fucking random at this point, I don’t even know what brings it on anymore. Having a good time. When I get that suffocating feeling, I feel like I’m back where things went wrong, I feel like I'm stuck and trapped in a world that no one else understands and it’s so hard to deal with, that’s when I have to leave whatever class I’m in. It happened twice today, I had to leave and get out and remind myself I’m in control of these situations and I’m okay, and things will be okay but it’s never good fun and sounds fucking crazy when I say it out loud, well type it. It just makes no sense but it does to me and I just don’t know, it’s weird but it makes sense to me. So I was talking to someone and I used the word inconvenience, and I really thought about it and I am an inconvenience to many people, for many reasons. It’s hard to think about but I’m always the friend that walks behind the group on the footpath, never the first choice for someone to hang out with, talk to, or anything really. Not being the first option sucks, but it’s not that bad. It’s the fact that I’m not even a second, or third choice. I can’t really complain, I’m extremely grateful for the friends I do have but I still feel like a major inconvenience to those around me, even though they tell me they want me around, and it’s good that I hang out with them, they say that but they think differently. Or they don’t but their friends do, their friends don’t want me around, but when I’m around they don’t say anything and everything seems normal but I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere, and just don’t fit in and it’s so extremely hard to pretend this shit doesn’t have an impact on me but it hurts a lot and is just always in the back of my mind. But what this does is it just sends me back into the old thoughts of body issues, and just really disliking myself and who I am as a person. This one sucks to think about because I am who I am and I can’t change that, so I’m learning to accept that and trying to understand people will like me for who I am and not for the person I try to be, but I just can’t explain this one. It’s just a shitty situation that most people go through, so it’s nothing unusual but it sucks regardless of who else goes through it. I was on the phone with someone and went out to my parents to quickly grab some washing and got treated like shit and they made me feel extremely bad about something I shouldn’t even feel bad about like I don’t know I’m kinda over all the bullshit my parents keep giving me, the shit they tell me which is far from the truth and the fact they make mental illness and mental health out to be not all that important, even though my dad and sister have anxiety and depression, it’s a hard one. Because then I can’t also talk to them about how I’m feeling because I get made out to be making it up and I’m just not comfortable talking with them about that stuff. This sucks especially with my mum because I’ve always wanted the relationship with her, where I can tell her anything and everything but it’s really not like that. I don’t tell her anything about me that isn’t to do with my horses basically. Sometimes I tell her about school things but not usually because she just doesn’t understand and calls me struggling with things a cop-out, which is hard because I genuinely struggle with quite a fair bit being honest. I think eventually I’ll be able to talk to her about things and we might be able to have a better relationship but I’m not sure. It’s what I want but she’s also such a frustrating and hard person to deal with and be around, so if I want to improve mine and her relationship she’ll have to change or sacrifice a few things for it because I’m not just handing it to her after all the shit that’s happened between us I guess, the things she’s said and done fucking hurts and is hard and scary to think about but hey, we can improve something negative and turn it into a positive, so I’ll try to do that. I don’t even know where to start with this, this evening took such a shit turn and I’m so fucking worried about him, I don’t know what’s happening with him and I feel sick, I don’t know what’s going on and he won’t talk to me but I’m so fucking scared that he’s not going to be okay and I can’t lose him and the only thing he’s telling me is the fact he’s not okay and isn’t doing too well, and that hurts so fucking badly to hear, god I’m just so worried about him I feel ill, I’m so lost. Everything around me is falling apart and it sucks. But I’ve just realized why I was so scared because I didn’t want what happened to B to happen to him. I wasn’t there for B and I left him when he needed me most and I can’t have a repeat of that, but he’s doing better now and things are looking up, I got sent into a bit of a spiral, poor Jay. Cried on the phone with him for like 15 minutes and just fell to pieces, I’ve been an absolute wreck the entire evening about this and now about my own shit but I’m just glad he’s okay for now, he seems to be doing better which is all I could’ve asked for. But god I feel so bad for crying on the phone for that long, it was pretty embarrassing but oh well he saw me cry at camp anyway so vibes, I didn’t know what to do and wasn’t doing too well and he was there for me and I’m extremely grateful to have him in my life and he actually means quite a lot to me tbh. I really appreciate having him and being able to talk to him about everything, and I mean literally everything considering he’s the only other one on this doc lmao. But tonight ended better than it started, had good chats with my sidepiece and the other guy is doing way better, what I’m not stoked about is the fact it’s 10.50 pm and I have to be awake at 5.45 am rip. So it’s 7.30 am and I’m driving out to my lessons, which is at 8.45 and I’m fucking exhausted. I couldn’t switch off last night till about 2 am I think, I just stared at the roof and thought about things which was a bit hard but I’m feeling okay this morning. Last night's dilemma is still happening a bit, I don’t know how long I can try to keep him around, because he doesn’t seem happy and he doesn’t seem like he wants to be here, it’s stressful and scary because I can’t lose another person that I’m close to. It’s hard. But I’m sure he’ll get through this and I can just help him step by step and be there for him when he needs me. But last night also made me really appreciate someone else in my life, a lot more than I already do because he just listened to me and was there when I was spiraling, he was just there at the right time and just, I don’t know what to say. It just made everything more bearable to try and deal with and get through. Anyway, I’m actually feeling quite excited about my lesson this morning, I’m hoping Riley’s going to be a good boy. I’ve also got lessons next week on Tuesday/Wednesday with Penny Castle which I’m so stoked about, she's an NZ High-Performance coach, she coaches Monica! This is exciting because she’s just so good and Riley and I always benefit from her lessons so I can’t wait. But I’m missing my Sport Studies assessment which I was mad stressed about, but I get to leave my Wednesday P5 class to sit the test with Mr G’s sport studies class which is so good!! So yeah that’s big good vibes OKAY SO currently driving home from a lesson and it was bloody awesome, Riley was jumping up to 1.10m ish as we haven’t jumped properly in a while and he was quite hard work but I learned so much and it was so beneficial and I’m just in a such a great mood at the moment, things are already looking a bit better and everything just felt so good this morning, Monica was so proud of how I rode and it just felt so good being able to make her proud of my riding and it just went so well. But now we go home and I have to do all the Saturday chores as usual which is extremely annoying, and I haven’t had a sleep-in or proper sleep in ages, my brain just doesn’t switch off at the moment and I stay awake for hours even if I turn my phone and laptop and everything off. It sucks and I don’t understand why I can’t sleep, but then I’m always tired at school and during the day then at night time I’m wide awake for fuck’s sake. Oh well, I think it’ll just get better the more I let my thoughts out onto this? So mum started trying to talk to me about things on the way home and we’re still driving, but I just don’t know what to say to her so now we’re sitting in silence and it’s a bit weird. I don’t like this feeling, like things being so awkward with mum. It’s just hard to deal with and she wonders why and asks things about why I’m so distant and shut off from her but it’s because I can’t talk to her, and when I do it’s wrong and whatever I’ve done is wrong. No one ever sees this though because when people come over she acts as if everything is fine and we have a good relationship and things are well when really we don’t and it sucks. I’d rather have people know it can be rough sometimes then her fake be nice to me in front of people than when they’re not looking being a bitch and saying hurtful shit that is usually unnecessary and going back to being nice. This probably sucks the most when it happens around Monica because she knows what happens behind closed doors and she knows quite a lot about me but when mum does what she does things get weird between her, Mon and I. It’s hard to explain but it’s really tense? Because Monica knows the real shit and treats me as her own kid, sometimes better than mum does but that’s okay. Okay, the next thing that needs to be written is about the amount of love and appreciation I have for Monica. She’s changed my life over the past year of training with her and I’ve had some incredible opportunitities working for her and being coached/mentored by her. It hasn’t been easy though and still isn’t easy, literally blood, sweat and tears are poured into this from the both of us and it’s fucking hard work. People often say how lucky I am being trained by Monica, which yes I am lucky but I also worked so fucking hard to get to where I am right now and it can be frustrating when people assume I got handed this and it’s easy. I literally haven’t had a school holiday break since the big summer holiday 2018/2019, between year 9/10. This is hard work but it’s so fucking worth it when I see the difference it makes to me as a person and as a rider, and how proud Monica gets of me. I can’t think of the words but she’s not the kind of coach that talks you up and makes you seem amazing, she will tell you how you fucked up and how to fix it before she says you did it well, which sometimes it’s mentally challenging and not everyone can deal with that but it makes you stronger and makes me want to work harder to be better I guess. I just really appreciate Monica and all she has done for me, she’s my everything at this point. Another thing is the fact that when I have people over, or it’s not just me and mum shit goes so well between us and we get along well, but when we’re alone is when all the true shit comes through, like the harsh things she will say, will never be in front of anyone. That’s why I either like being alone, like not with mum, or the whole family or bigger groups. But a downfall to that is when I’m alone, I’m stuck with my thoughts by myself which is hard to deal with, but when I’m with lots of people I get that suffocating feeling, so it’s a lose-lose situation regardless of what option I pick. Fuck lol. I just want this shit with mum to get better because, well I don’t really know why. I just feel like we both, me and mum, deserve to have each other and deserve to have a healthy relationship between the both of us if that makes any sense. I’m in a bit of a weird headspace right now and things just feel off, so I’m trying to write about it so I can put pieces together and see if anything makes sense. It’s not even a weird headspace anymore, it’s just fucked. Like, I just can’t put this shit into words which is fucking hard because I want to be able to tell people what’s happening in my brain but I don’t even know at this point. It’s hard. A new little rant is about some of the texts I get from my mum, which are so fucking unfair. I think the hardest one for me was when she told me how frustrated, upset, and disappointed in me she was and is. It’s always hard to read that someone is disappointed in you, especially when it’s from the person you want to please the most. And when I’m out at Monica’s she always threatens to come to pick me up if I didn’t do something right before I left and it’s shit because Monica’s is my happy place and it’s where I feel the most content with life and where things seem to go the best. It’s mostly just hard times at the moment but I just don’t really know anything anymore. Like I’m genuinely so lost and confused with what I want, with what people want and if things are even going the right way or literally anything. The one thing I’m feeling confident in at the moment is my horses but I’m constantly being questioned about what I do and if it is the right thing to be doing, which I just don’t know how to answer because I never seem to be able to word the answers in a way that makes sense, which I’ve discovered for a lot of things. I’m terrible and putting thoughts into words and I guess this is why writing this all down is easier and makes it better? I just need to get my head straight I think. I need to take the time to focus on my own mental state but it’s hard when there is this much going on and I’ve got a lot of other things to focus on, like the horses and schoolwork and now trying to get everything back up and running to the way it was before, including the little side business I’m running which is mad stressful but oh well, it’s money. Honestly though quarantine wasn’t that shitty. I got closer with Hannah and Jack (my siblings) and their partners which was nice and I actually felt included in all the shit they were doing like we’d all go downstairs and drink and plays cards and poker and it was just such a good time, but now things are going back to the way they were before and idrk. Anyway, Liv just got here so big vibes so hopefully shit is good for the night. I hope Lachie will be okay tonight as well. That’s scary. I can feel a spiral coming on and I don’t like it especially not when Liv is here. Fuck my heart hurts so badly. I’m so torn. I want to be able to talk to her about this and about everything on my mind but I know I can’t because she doesn’t get it, she doesn’t understand and will just get upset over the shit I’ll say. She knows I go through shit but I never go into details with her because I’ve never had the kind of friendship with her. It’s a hard one. But things are also kind of okay? Like I know it’s going to take one little thing to push the spiral more on? I guess that’s the word? Like make it worse and I don’t want her to accidentally say something then I get shitty with her but it’s not her fault because she doesn’t know. But this is what I mentioned before like it’s just hard not being able to tell people what actually goes on and then it just leads to an absolute shit show of events. Plus Lachie’s been weird again and I’m scared, he doesn’t deserve to go through this and I hate seeing him struggle. Okay, so I don’t know what to do. I genuinely have no idea and I keep making everything so much worse and it’s fucking hard. I wish I wouldn’t do this, I wish I could stop but I can’t. I just fuck everything up and I’m so done. I’m so done with losing everything good and losing the important people because I can’t do anything fucking right. I keep thinking of things I shouldn’t think of because going back to where I was 6 months ago can’t be an option anymore, but it also seems like one sometimes and it’s fucking hard to get out of that mindset. Like extremely difficult but I somehow do it by myself most of the time because I never actually tell anyone what is going through my brain, the fact that sometimes I don’t want to wake up in the morning. That’s hard. But I did reach out to someone and ask for help, and he was great, but there is someone I want to tell but I don’t know how or what to say and it’s fucking hard but oh well. I just have to keep going the way I have been for the past while and hope this shit gets better. It will, slowly. If I can promise someone else it will get better, I can promise myself and keep going. Or just keep going for the few people that actually give a fuck. I think I do have to talk to Olivia about what’s going on. Or just a bit. It’s not easy but she deserves to know if I don’t want to fuck up even more. I’m mad. I’m mad that you made a move and I told you that I wasn’t interested, I felt scared again like I was back in the situation where I had no control and it fucking sucks. You did that and you knew that because I told you. I fucking told you everything and you put me through it again, why? What was the benefit of doing that? Saying you kissed me? Is that seriously something you wanted to be able to say? Because I told you no. I told you I didn’t want that and I wanted to get to know you better and you were a dick, and an asshole and now you wonder why I told you I wasn’t ready. Because you fucking pushed me to a point where I said no. I fucking said no to you. How the fuck do you think that made me feel? I told you my pain, and I told you what I’ve been through and you put me through a very similar situation knowing everything that happened. And knowing what I would think. And all I have to say about this is fuck you. Fuck you Alex, you’re a massive cunt. Fuck I wish you didn’t do that. I liked you, I was having a good time with you and you fucked it up by being a bitch and crossing the line. I don’t understand. I’m so hurt over the fact I told you no, I said I wanted to get better and recover from the bullshit I went through and you still fucking went there. I’m so fucking mad. God. Now I’m just hurt and struggling and battling with my own mind at the moment even though I have Liv and can talk to her about this, she just moves on and isn’t very good at listening and it’s hard. She just kinda does her own thing but that’s okay, I just have to, be okay? And I want to talk to you but you’re busy and that’s okay, but last night was big vibes and I really appreciated it. But did you think the same? I’ve been thinking about something that was said and I’ve been wondering if he thought the same thing he did when she said it, but about me and it’s weird and hurts. But oh well, I think I just need to move on and focus on the good thing we have going rather than all the other shit in my brain. But I’m mad confused about things and feeling lost with what to do, but my head knows the right answer, I just want my heart to be right. Because it hurts watching this happen and not being able to change what happens unless I speak my mind about it, but I can’t and ah. Just torn. Because I don’t want to fuck up lol. Okay you’ve absolutely made my day and it’s 11.25 am but that just made me so happy hahahaha I don’t even know why but yeah. Fucking wholesome and cute and yeah. This is such a big vibe of a morning I actually love it. Wholesome. So wholesome But what hurts a LOT is watching the person you’re in love with, fall for someone else and seeing them fall so deep in love, but always hoping it to be you. Haha fuck sakes. “One moment we're broken and then we're fine They said hello, but missed goodbye We are all insane inside And no one can figure out the teenage mind” The last line. Fucking big mood. Being a teenager is hard and I wish adults knew that. I wish adults knew some of the fucked up shit we’ve been through at such a young age, like it’s fucking hard when parents say we’ve got it easy these days because we definitly don’t. We have it rough, the standards set for us are so fucking hard to live up to. Plus parents like mine who expect you to be perfect, because apparently we can’t make mistakes these days. And if you make a mistake, you’re not good enough. You fucked up and it’s your fault. But we’re kids. Learning. It’s hard when parents tell us to tell the truth, so we tell them the truth and that’s wrong and they get angry, but if we lie and they find out, they get angry. It just sucks feeling like each option is wrong, it’s again that feeling of being trapped. Speaking of today was pretty shit. I went out for lunch to 277 with Mon, Spence, Amy, Mum & Dad and basically got ignored the whole time, told to fuck off by mum when Mon and them weren’t around. It was hard pretending like shit was good while we were out, then the car ride home was awkward and I’m currently home alone and feeling a bit, numb? But also so hurt? It’s so confusing and so fucking hard to explain. I’m glad it’s a long weekend, but I also don’t want to be at home, so. I’m fucked lol. Being at school sucks sometimes, being at home sucks sometimes. The only time I feel content and like I belong somewhere is at the ranch, with Monica. Which isn’t possible all the time so that’s a bit rough. It was great seeing her today, even though I had a lesson yesterday it felt like forever and I missed her. Plus I see her on Tuesday and Wednesday which I’m stoked about!! And on Wednesday she’s been training me for a year which is crazy how much shit has changed in the past year. It’s also been a massive year though, buying a new horse and house within two weeks of each other and we weren’t planning on buying either, my tumor scare, thinking I had cancer was pretty scary. Extremely glad it turned out to be benign, that was a rough time. Losing Bec early this year, watching my relationship with my mum falling apart, December 2019 was the worst, but we don’t need to repeat what happened then. But the past year has also had some fucking incredible moments, working in the UK for a few weeks was amazing, going to America and making some amazing memories with my insane team of horses, it really had it’s ups and downs. I was really excited about 2020, it was going to be the best year with a new, talented young horse to hopefully step up the grades with, but that got slammed. Surgery, 4 months non weight bearing, to get back into it to have the season cut short because of Covid-19. But everyone got their sports cancelled, so I can’t feel bad about it. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I’m so fucking stupid. I don’t even know anymore. I’m glad I got clearance, he got clearance. Everything is cleared up and I can just get the fuck over myself because it’s unrealistic and it has been the entire time I’ve thought about it. It’s shit because I’ve known the answers the entire time, I’ve known that what I was thinking about, was the what if’s. What if it could happen? But it never would and it was stupid to think about, but it doesn’t make it easier tbh. It still hurts a little bit and I really didn’t want this to be right, but it is and I need to get the fuck over myself and this stupid fucking unrealistic ‘dream’? I don’t know anymore. Fuck this. I wish I didn’t do this. Why the fuck do I fuck everything up? I can’t. I didn’t want to talk about it and bring it up because things have been so good recently and I just don’t want anything to change, like at all. Because you’re literally my best friend, I don’t give a fuck if that sounds weird to say but you are and you mean a lot to me, as you know. I care about you an extreme amount, I literally love you but not in that way, there was the little part of me that did, that wanted it but I’ve thought about it and I’m glad that this is the outcome. It stings a bit, but it’s the healthier option and things are so much better this way. And you don’t have to feel bad about it at all, because it’s not your fault and you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, I did this to myself lol and yeah I’m basically writing this to you, because you know everything now and you can just read this. I’m just so fucking sorry. I know I shouldn’t have felt this way but I can’t help it. But I’m glad things are confirmed and we can talk in person about this, then move on and shit can just go back to normal. And now I have to do my entire fucking sport studies thing which we were going together but I’m a dumb bitch and fuck everything up and literally can’t even have a friendship, woohoo go me. So proud of myself. Can we just try to keep things as normal as possible? I know that’s hard with how much I fucked up and all the stupid shit I said but I don’t think I can cope without you so please just don’t leave, please? I know things will probably be a bit awkward or off for a little bit, then things will go back to normal but just please don’t leave because I can’t deal with more important people in my life leaving, I seem to lose everyone important to me and I just really didn’t want to fuck this up. But I’m sure we’ll look back in a few months, even weeks and laugh about how fucking stupid I am, because I know that and that’s okay, but I understand everything and want you to know I’m not mad at you, just mad at myself and my brain for putting myself through something I shouldn’t have even imagined. I’m barely coping at the moment (unrelated to our thing because I’m pretty sure you’re gonna read this too) and my brain is just fucked. The timing of everything happening at the moment is not good and I’m not having a good time. I don’t feel like myself anymore and I feel like I’m losing everything good, or just fucking up everything good which is so hard. My brain just doesn’t switch off anymore and that’s also hard, like I’m meant to be doing sport studies right now but I’m so fucking distracted and thinking about anything and everything and it’s kinda shitty. Plus everything with my parents is so fucking hard at the moment and no one actually knows how rough it is, or how rough it is living with the fucking thoughts that go through my brain but that’s a wholeass new thing. I just wish my brain would turn off. Just stop, just let me live. Just let me function for a day without overthinking everything and imagining the stupid shit I do, the good stuff I want to happen then the fucking worst case scenario’s and hurting myself with things that haven’t even happened? That’s always a good one. It’s now 10:04pm and I have to go do my entire sport studies because it’s due at 3.35pm tomorrow, FUCK! WHY DO I LEAVE EVERYTHING SO LAST MINUTE AH. I feel so out of place at the moment, I don’t feel like anything is the way it should be but I also know that everything is good and right? This makes no sense. I’m just confused and frustrated at myself because I let myself down last night by doing something I had been so good about. I didn’t sleep at all because my brain wouldn’t switch off and it’s so frustrating, because I tried telling my parents I have issues with sleep and can’t sleep properly, like ever. It’s really annoying and I hate it. Plus I’ve asked my parents to sit down with me because we need to talk about things and get things clear but they just refuse and don’t listen even if we do sit down, they’re just on their phones and I just feel so ignored, I just want to have a conversation with them but they’re so absorbed in their own phones to even give a fuck about what is happening to their kid, right in front of their eyes. I think I’ve come to some hard conclusions over the past few days which sucks. Shit isn’t looking too good but I need to stop talking to people around me, like my friends, about it because this is what pushes people away and makes them leave and I just can’t stand someone else leaving. Whether or not they leave because they leave the world, or they leave because they’re done with my shit, it still hurts and I don’t know how to describe the feeling of pain. It’s different to anything else I’ve felt, but so familiar. It’s hard when things are good, because I’m always thinking about when it’ll go wrong. I feel so sick. I haven’t stopped shaking today, I’ve already thrown up once and it’s because of everything going on, I’m so fucking overwhelmed lol and it sucks. I’m overtired and can’t think straight but also know by the time tonight rolls around I won’t be able to sleep because that’s how my brain functions. So I said I was signing out for the night, so I switched my phone off and shut myself in my room and turned everything off and I’m just sitting here writing because I’m extremely hurt and frustrated. My parents got pissed at me for something I can’t control, well can’t help sometimes. I asked them for help, I told them I am struggling mentally and they just brushed me off like it’s irrelevant, then lose their absolute shit at me for coping in the way I did, like I get it, I shouldn’t do it but there is so much fucked up shit in my brain at the moment and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel lost and upset, and incredibly stuck. I hate this feeling because I want to be able to escape and go somewhere but I can’t get out or go anywhere or fucking do anything without my parents on my case. I think it’s this feeling, when I realise how stuck, trapped even, I am. It’s the little shit like this that set off the massive spirals, I had a pretty bad one earlier today, I couldn’t do anything, felt so fucking sick. I sat on the tack room floor crying and shaking for I don’t even know how long, but it felt like forever. It was probably 15 minutes max, but it was scary and I don’t know what to do in these situations and I need something, I need a person? But I don’t have anyone. Well I have lots of people but I do not trust anyone. People fucking backstab and hurt just for the shit of it. I’m not a very trusting person and I don’t think people realise that. I’m an open person yes, but I’ve had my heart fucked around by my fair share of people and it hurts. It hurts never knowing how long someone is going to stay around for, who is the next person to leave? Who is the next person I push away? Right now I have an idea of who that person is and it fucking sucks. It hurts so incredibly bad. Everything keeps making this worse. Why can’t I just stop? Why can’t I just do anything right? It sucks. It sucks massively and I don’t know what to do or what's going to happen. I feel so sick thinking about everything and just want my brain to switch off so I can fucking sleep, for once. I just want to forget about everything for a while, even a week, a week of no thoughts. That’s all I want. So yikes, Alex mentioned to me tonight that he’s still “crushing” for fucks sake. I don’t understand how or why but that just makes shit a lot harder for me I think? Like bruh I swear to god things were getting a bit better between him and I, like I told him that it wasn’t going to work out and be a thing and that was rough, but then we started texting again and things started to get better, then he was weird tonight and I don’t fucking know lol, he said he’s still crushing but also acts like a massive asshole to me, it’s confusing ffs. He’s texting me still but I don’t have anything to say to him, I don’t want to talk to him. He hurt me. A new thing in light of recent events with my parents and how much my brain is thinking about everything right about now, I just want to be good enough for my parents, anyone really. It’s hard knowing that when people/my parents talk about me, they think about the shit I could be doing, what I should be doing better and it’s extremely frustrating and it hurts quite a fair bit. Because I’m trying my best, I have been all this time yet my best is just never enough? It’s a shit time and I just fucking want to be good enough. For someone. Just a person. My head, heart and body hurts. I went out to the gym and took all my emotions out up there which was actually okay, but now my body is sore and mad regret so fuck. OKAY LITTLE POSITIVE TIME BECAUSE BEING SAD HURTS AND SUCKS I’m so fucking excited for my lessons tomorrow and Wednesday, I’m really hoping Riley pulls through and is a good boy, he’s been pretty good recently and I just want to make a good impression on Penny, because our last lesson was like a year ago and a lot has changed since then so it’ll be good to see and hear what she has to say and how she thinks we’re looking and we can start planning our goals for the season and over winter and what we should practice so that’s a good time! Then on Saturday I’ve got a XC clinic with Mon out at Hunua which I’m so excited about as well!! I love the XC lessons I have with Mon as I feel they go really well, so hopefully this is the same as the others and it goes well, just gotta keep my fingers crossed Roo behaves. ANOTHER THING!!!! Mon wants me to ride her young horse Neo for her which could be really exciting, plus she’s going to give me a lesson on Arlo which is the young horse we own together so if she decides Arlo isn’t for her I get the first opportunity to buy him, like full ownership not half!!!! Arlo is a really exciting horse for the future though, like he’s young and insanely talented and will go to the Olympics, whether or not it’s for eventing or show jumping, he’s got an insane amount of potential to go there! Maybe one day he’ll be my Olympic mount, that’d be kinda cool. The Olympics is the goal after all. Random side note, the geese are outside my window basically screaming which is fucking annoying, they nearly died on Friday too, they were out on the road when I got off the bus at home so I had to chase them back home ffs. BRUH OKAY SO IDK IF THIS IS SOMETHING I CAN SAY BUT I HAD A GOAL OVER QUARANTINE BUT I PASSED THE GOAL AND I’M STOKED BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD AND YEAH BIG FUCKING VIBES! I do be a little proud tbh, it’s something I struggle with but yeah fucking vibes. Also to do with this, my parents were in the gym with me today and well obviously I workout in short sleeves because I’m not fucking crazy, but my parents seemed so disappointed and mad at me over something I don’t want to admit, which felt pretty shitty tbh. But then we go back inside and they act like they weren’t massive assholes and are saying how good everything is and they didn’t know I was as fit as I am, cause I don’t look like it lmao. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THAT IS OKAY?? THAT IS FUCKING INSANE. INSANE. LIKE, FUCK ME MAN. THE ACTUAL FUCK?! That is so fucked up, I don’t even understand what was going through her brain to make her post that? And to think it's okay? That shit isn’t nice, especially when people have been/are going through that shit? It’s actually fucked. But she’s been a fucked up person since intermediate, I remember year 8 with her, we were actually quite close but she did some insanely fucked things, it was scary. She had a friend Lily who she did all that shit with, Lily absolutely fucked my life over, she told the year 8 teachers that I did shit I didn’t do and tried to make my life living hell, but that’s petty year 8 shit aha. So it’s 11.13pm and I feel more awake and alert now then I have the entire day and I need to sleep but I can’t stop replaying today's events over and over in my head, being in the tackroom the way I was, was fucking scary. I don’t think I’ve felt that alone in a while, but I also felt so trapped and like I was suffocating and I don’t know why that happens, I got told it could be anxiety because my sister and dad both suffer from it, and I’ve been through a hell of a lot of shit the past 2 years, but I don’t want to be that girl with the mental illness, like I already suffer from mild PTSD, which no one knows. I got told two months ago, with the symptoms I have from the events in December it’s most likely PTSD, with that is the panic attacks they think, but I don't want to be that girl. I really don’t want to, that’s why no one knows. Except Jay cause he’s on the doc and knows everything now. Fuck lol. Oh well I trust him, he’s probably the only person I trust fully at the moment. I am very lucky to have him in my life, he’s so helpful all the time, but also without realising I think. Just the little things he says and does absolutely makes my day and brightens the vibe 100%. Big vibes over here :) But I think it’s time I call quits on the writing for tonight, my everything hurts and we reached 11,000 words which is fucking insane. So I’m mad stressed right about now, I don’t fucking understand this English task I have to do, Michol isn’t doing to well and the teacher won’t let me go see and help her, M just got some shit news and is feeling hurt about it and doesn’t know what to do and I hate when that happens and I can’t be there to help. It feels bad and I hate it. The teacher is literally next to me and idk why, I hate this lmao fuck sakes. I miss Jnav cause she’s not here today but I just feel so fucking lost at the moment, I just want answers. Woah I feel so fucking stuck right now and it’s not fun, I feel like I have no where to go and I definitely don’t really have anywhere to go, I used to escape in a way that isn’t possible anymore which sucks. Plus not being able to focus is extremely frustrating, I keep having these stupid fucking thoughts running around my head and kept being taken back to certain days and events that are so random and frustrating to have going on, it’s little things that get said and done, and I know I’ve talked about it before but it’s hard when one thing sets off an entire train of thoughts about everything and nothing. Plus shit seems a bit awkward and off at the moment and I strongly dislike it, like 10/10 dislike. Maddy has been so fucking good recently, she’s such a great person and I’m extremely lucky to have her in my life, I talk to her about anything and everything but I also feel terrible when I do because it’s back to the feeling of being a burden and inconvenience, and I feel like the shit I go through, yes it’s a lot but people do have it worse, so I feel like sometimes it’s not worth talking about, but I also have to talk about it? It’s fucking hard. And like, because of what has been pumped into my head by my parents that it’s attention seeking to reach out for help, it’s attention seeking to talk about what has happened to me? I guess? I don’t know and it sucks. But I also feel like I’m lost in my thoughts again and it hurts massively. Tell me if this ever gets annoying, or a burden, or anything because I’d rather know than have you pretending like shit’s fine when it’s not or if something I say is too much, idk where this is going but I don’t want to put you in a situation you aren’t happy with? If that makes any kind of sense? Like I don’t want to make you uncomfortable with this shit so please do tell me. Why the fuck do I always get the worst news and the worst shit in business studies I swear to god everytime something has to go wrong it’s in business or science and I don’t know why!! Mad sad :( Okay so my lesson with Penny today was so fantastic!! Riley was quite hard work and I had to work so hard but it paid off and I learnt so much and it was so beneficial, I can’t wait for tomorrow’s lesson to practice more of what we worked on and nail the smaller details which will be so good, plus I have lots of homework and new tools I can use to benefit Ri and I in the long run! I was listening to music earlier today and “Bored” came on, it’s by Billie Eilish and if this gets read you should listen to it and listen to the lyrics hard, or search up the lyrics. The lyrics just hit close to home and I don’t quite know why, but I do know why. Lots on my brain at the moment and I really fucking hate it. It’s hard when small shit like that just relates so hard to you, and it makes me think about how many other people go through Fuck I hate overthinking a lot, it sucks and I don’t understand anything or why my brain just doesn’t fucking stop I swear to god I just want to stop thinking for a solid while. Because it’s my own head that hurts me more than anything else. And when my own head fucks everything else over and can actually ruin my day is so shitty. And then not being able to explain why I’m in a shitty mood and what’s wrong because it’s my own fucking brain that screws it over and just wrecks my day. It sounds stupid and I should stop thinking like this and thinking about this but I talked to Maddy today about the trapped feeling and the feeling of being stuck in a situation, but stuck in my mind? She said this and it helped so much “I know how you feel, it feels like your mind becomes a room and the walls are closing in on you but because it's not a real room you can't tell yourself that they're not moving because who's to say they aren't... I I'm so sorry that you have to go through it because it sucks so much” But it made sense about the fact that things aren’t closing in on me, I’m okay and I can escape the situation when I need to? I don’t know if this makes sense but it kind of helped remind me everything's okay, because English was a bit rough today and I couldn’t focus on any work that I had to do because concentrating when I have shit going on is so fucken hard. Plus business studies today was rough, mum was such a bitch to me for no reason and I just had to get out of business, and Mr Lewis was definitely like, what the actual fuck is this bitch on, swearing at her computer then leaving lmao. But oh well, gotta do what you gotta do? But my mum lost her shit at me over the phone then when I asked what it was about, she told me to fuck off and hung up? I was too angry to explain to anyone what happened and kinda just shut down again but oh well, good times. BRUH OKAY PENNY LESSONS WERE FANTASTIC AND I’M SO HAPPY WITH HOW THEY WENT!!! It was such fucking hard work but so so so so so so worth it and we learnt so much as a team and I can’t wait to see what happens next season, like it’s fucking exciting and I’m hoping we can get a few exciting wins and even titles to our name! Another exciting piece is my hosebay where I get the horses ready is getting a roof built which is going to make shit so much better in winter I’m so keen for it to be done, plus we’re looking at the arena getting built now which is good! But just thinking about things and I still never got told why mum was such a bitch to me yesterday during business, I asked her about it and she just fully brushed it off and didn’t mention anything about it? That made me a little pissed not gonna lie. Fun fact today I have double English and then after lunch I have 2 periods of sport studies which is good fun. I’ve finally come to terms with the shit going in my brain and I think I kind of understand now, it’s not the fact of wanting to die, to end life. It’s the feeling of not wanting to be me anymore, not wanting to live the life I am living. I realised this last night and just got the words right, it’s hard because I can’t do that. I can’t change the life I’m living and that’s hard to think about and hard to deal with, but I’ve got to just try and find the positives in the shit situation and look for the best? Idk if that makes any kind of sense but it does to me I think and now I can just focus on this and see if shit gets better?“ THERE. IS. A. DIFFERENCE. OKAY? Okay. There is a difference between what is said and meant with a simple word missing and it hurts when I realise that you know that, and you say that because that’s what you mean so fuck. Fucking hard times Chrissie just annoyed the shit out of me and was such a bitch for no fucking reason, not even for no reason anymore actually! She called me a slut, whore, boy crazy, not trying hard enough in school, attention seeking just because I was on the phone to Lachie for 5 FUCKING MINUTES BECAUSE HE HAD A BAD DAY! I’m so mad and so fucking frustrated and hurt because it’s so far from the truth and I wish she understood that! But she doesn’t and I try to stand up for myself and it just ends in both of us yelling and fighting worse, it ended badly and we haven’t spoken since :( Shit sucks. I’m back at square one. I don’t like being back here but I am and that’s just what I’ve got to try and work through again, fuck my mental health is falling apart. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want the hurting to stop. I want the hurt to go away but it won’t and the hurt hasn’t stopped since B. I miss him everyday and it’s so fucking hard pretending that I go my days without thinking about him now, that everything is okay and I don’t miss him but I do. It kills me every single day and I miss him more than words can explain. It sucks and I just wanted to see him happy. I wanted to see him succeed and chase his dreams and do well but he never got that chance, he never got the chance to show everyone how amazing he genuinely was. The incredible person he was, I don’t understand how someone so perfect and amazing? as him was also the unhappiest. He died unhappy and he didn’t deserve that, he deserved a life of happiness and a life full of good times and experiences that he worked his ass off for and he never fucking got them. He never got the chance to follow his dreams, be happy, succeed. I want to take it all back, I want him to be back here. I wish he didn’t leave. I wish I was there for him. I should’ve fucking been there for him when he needed me the most, but he was good at hiding his pain. He was amazing, at hiding his pain actually. He would smile through anything and everything and fought his battle silently, but the message he sent me, before he passed wrecks me every single time I read it. I haven’t been able to tell anyone what he said, just show. But it’s time I at least put it onto this doc and if anyone reads it, they know too. I needed him more than words can explain during December of last year, he knew Daniel. He knew everything about me and everything in general, but I was also glad he wasn’t around because that might’ve broken him, more. He didn’t cope well when I was hurt, or upset, it hurt him too. He really wanted the best for me, but why did he leave? Why did he leave me, but told me I had to be happy? This is what he said to me, the night he ended his world and wrecked mine. “Hey Boo, I am so proud of you, and so incredibly lucky to have you in my life. We’ve been through a lot and I can’t express how much I love you, more than words can ever explain. You have been the best person in my life and I haven’t said it enough, but this world isn’t for me. I’m sorry for everything, but I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been fighting and fighting but this isn’t getting better, I can’t do this anymore. I can't, okay? I know I’ve let you down, I’ve let everyone down but I need you to be happy, and you can do this without me. You can be happy without me and you need to be okay? You need to be happy, this isn’t the end for you, it’s the end for me, and the start of something incredible for you. You deserve the best in the world and I will be watching over you every, single, goddamn fucking step of the way. There is so much I’ve wanted to say to you, but the timing wasn’t right and it wasn’t what you needed. But this isn’t goodbye, this isn’t my final goodbye to you. I’ll see you again, but after you’ve achieved each and every one of your goals you strived to. You’re going to make it big one day, you and your horses. I know it. I’m so proud of you and I love you, so much. I’m sorry Boo but please know, this isn’t your fault. You’re going to be okay, I promise okay. I promise you that everything is going to be okay and things will work out even though it might not seem like that. You’ve got this, it’s a big world out there and you are going to be amazing, I know that. Tell everyone I love them, although they know. But I want you to know this always, I love you and this isn’t your fault. I love you, beautiful. I’m going to miss you” B you fucking broke me, I need you to be happy. I needed you to be able to, to be able to fucking live. The day you left this world my entire life changed and I haven’t been the same since. You left this world and left everything behind including me and I am so fucking sorry that I wasn’t there, that I wasn’t there to get you through everything when you needed me the most. I will always love you, always. I can’t wait for the day I get to see you again. But I hope you’re happy. I hope you are in a better place because you deserve the absolute world and more and I am so sorry I couldn’t provide that for you. We all miss you down here bud, the world hasn’t been the same since you left. You thought you weren’t loved and that this world wasn’t for you but you were so loved. It didn’t seem like that but we all loved you so incredibly much, your family misses you. My family, you impacted all those around you and I just wish I got the chance to see you genuinely happy. I’ll see you again one day, I promise. Here’s a bit of cute kinda positive stuff, Jnav was an absolute legend today, during the double today mum was a bit mean over text so I asked Jnav if i could go sit outside and she said of course, felt a bit shit and overwhelmed and asked if I could talk to her and we talked about it all and she’s gonna talk to Miss Moses about it which is good, then hopefully I can start sorting shit out? Now I’m meeting with Miss Moses before school tomorrow which is a bit interesting, not sure how it’s going to go and what we’re going to talk about and what Jnav told her already but I’m sure it’ll be sweet. MASSIVE FUCKING DONE. i am done Don’t you absolutely love when you feel your heart just drop, everything just stops in the moment and you feel so fucking sick? Yeah me too I love that so much. Definitely my favourite. My head and heart are a bit all over the place at the moment, talking to Elaine today was good and she learnt some things and helped me out which was good and what I needed but also didn’t help in the ways I needed I think, fun fact we actually talked about Jay for a solid 5 minutes because of how much I appreciate him and everything he listens to and does for me, she said I’m lucky to have him and I know that. But she was asking me if I’m okay, like, below the surface because she knows that I’m not okay, even though I may say I’m fine things are killing me below the surface which was a bit hard to hear. My head hurts thinking about this all but it’s also good to finally be able to slowly understand and move on? But it’s a lot and she said that this isn’t going to magically get better, that I’m not going to stop hurting. Not for a while, at least and I just have to keep trying and keep moving on I guess? Plus she also knows about my attempt now and is worried I’m going to go back to that head space but I told her things and explained what I’ve been through with losing people to suicide and she understood and then we talked a bit about what happened that night, the fact I reached out for help and got turned away when all I wanted to hear was that it’s not an option and ending it will never be an option and that things will get better eventually, and slowly but they will and I have to keep trying. But I didn’t get that, I got ‘it’s chill, you’ll be fine’ ‘it’s just a bad day’ like yeah no shit but I still wanted to die. I still wanted to end my life so badly to the point where I fucking tried and failed so yeah. Kinda just stuck at the moment with everything, and when Lachie wasn’t doing to well it made me feel back at the same place I was when I was where he is now and it’s scary and not fun and no one deserves to be in that type of headspace but I know so many people are and they fight their battle silently which is what I did up until this year, when I met some amazing people I really trusted and now talk with about anything and everything, it’s good fun. Jokes I hate it, I actually hate talking about my shit especially when I feel like such a burden and feel like I’m impacting you with what I talk about and feel like I’m not helpful to you at all and that sucks. I want to be there and try and help but I just don’t know what to do. Fuck. Seeing you like this is hard and I don’t like it, I just want you to do well and be happy and I don’t know what to do. But I don’t know how you’re feeling and how to help properly and I feel like the advice I offer is such bullshit, I suck at this. I feel bad, like such a fucking burden and I HATE IT SO MUCH!!! But that’s okay because I’m trying to do things I said I would, even though it hurts I gotta change things, I just feel bad for everything. So another thing on my mind is how badly I cope with being alone, like I just don’t at this point. I get stuck in such a loop of my shitty thoughts, not even shitty ones anymore just thoughts in general which is hard. I was thinking about every little detail about lots of things and that’s why I’ve come back to the doc, because it’s hard being alone with my brain and that sounds so fucked up. But it’s so hard to explain but I want to be able to explain it so that people actually understand how scared I am of being alone, and how much I despise it. Like I’ll avoid it at all costs because of these reasons. Two - Sleeping At Last “It’s okay if you can’t find the words, let me take your coat and this weight off your shoulders” “I will love you with every single thing I have, like a tidal wave, I’ll make a mess” Forever - Lewis Capaldi “Darling, nobody said that it would last forever that doesn’t mean we didn’t try to get there I never said that we would die together that doesn’t mean it was a lie, remember” Bored- Billie Eilish “I’m not afraid anymore what makes you sure you’re all I need? Forget about it” All I want - Kodaline “When you said your last goodbye I died a little bit inside I lay in tears in bed all night Alone, without you by my side” “But if you loved me, why’d you leave me?” Demons - Imagine Dragons “They say it’s what you make, I say to fate it’s woven in my soul I need to let you go” These are just songs that hit a little different, you should listen to them if you get the chance - because I know Jay will probably read this, you shouldn’t listen. You’ll hate them. But tonights been a bit rough not gonna lie. I’m doing okay though, like for myself, it’s just this shit gets so hard to try and shut down and put behind closed doors, because I have no distractions when I’m by myself. I lose myself in a massive train of thoughts which is hard then trying to bring myself back to ‘reality’ and the fact I’m in control sucks ass. I’ve spent the last 10 or so minutes trying to remind myself I’m controlling what’s happening and I’m in charge of my brain and it’s hard to do without doing the thing I do, for control. But I haven’t yet tonight so we’re doing well and I’m kinda happy about that? But yeah talking to the counsellor today, she was saying how I will get ‘triggered’ by certain words that I probably won’t realise, that's when I spiral in class because someone said something, just a single word that fucked up my entire brain without me actually processing the word being said? So now when those spirals happen I have to try and back track and figure out what could’ve caused it and see what I can do in the future to try and make it better if that makes sense? But it was a good session, she wants to meet weekly so we can unpack everything, from the assault to the attempt, and sometimes smaller things but we have to unpack these events and break them down to be able to move on properly? Rather than just having them always sitting in my brain and always constantly pinging back into my head when the slightest thing is said. She said I try and look at the positive side, and kinda laugh it off and play it off cool like it’s a joke and chill when I’m in front of people but when I’m by myself is when it all piles over and fucks me over badly. She asked me if I cut recently too, which was hard to answer because I didn’t want to lie, but my silence told the truth. She thinks I’m still at risk of killing myself basically, but I know that isn’t an option and that won’t happen because I’ve been through losing people to suicide and it sucks. Like a lot, like my life is still fucked up from the 24th of Feb. I miss him everyday, I haven’t stopped thinking about him and how much better things would be if he was still around, maybe things would be different. Maybe I wouldn’t have ever even met Daniel, maybe I wouldn’t have been sexually assaulted, maybe I wouldn’t have attempted, but maybe if he was still around it wouldn't have changed the series of events as they happened, because it’s life. It’s unpredictable and it sucks but it’s true. You can try to plan as much as you want for your life but shit always changes, that’s why I don’t know if I fucked up in these situations, like with B. If I had talked to him that night, would he have still killed himself? If I was aware of what was happening in his brain, would he still have killed himself? I’ll never get the answers to that. I’ve spent so long blaming myself for his death but it wasn’t my fault and I’m learning that. He was so incredibly unhappy in this world that he didn’t want to be here anymore, and I understand that because I’ve been there, but things are always peoples fault. No matter what you think about, someone caused a series of events that led to a certain event. Was I one of B’s reasons for leaving? Did I hurt him? Did I kill him? This is shit I think about every single goddamn fucking day and it sucks, it sucks knowing that I will never find out why, who? Even how. This just sucks because I want answers that I know I’ll never be able to get, it’s not like I can fucking ask him myself. But I think I’m ready to start talking about lots of things that I’ve kept bottled up over the past year and it’s scary because I don’t know who I can trust with these things, because I’ve been so fucked over by so many people it just hurts not being able to fully trust. But like I was talking about today with the counsellor, I have a certain person I have in my life and I’ve never trusted anyone as much as I trust him. He is one of the first people I’ve trusted fully, well he is the only person I trust fully at the moment, but since the day I had everything taken away from me, innocence, the ability to trust. Losing that was hard, I was always a very trusting and open person before December 2019. But that broke me. It fucked me over so badly that I can still feel the hurt, the pain he put me through, physically, mentally and emotionally. But still being able to feel the physical pain sucks. Being able to see the scars, that hurts. That’s hard and I can’t avoid the fact I have multiple scars on my sides, I have to get changed everyday, so I see them every single day. This is the type of pain I can’t hide, and push down and ignore because it’s with me. It’s not like they’re small either, but I don’t need to get into details. But he ruined me and I fucking hate him for it, but I don’t know why. But I do, but it’s been 6 months, like my parents say I should just move on and be okay and be happy but that is so hard. I can’t put the physical pain away, that doesn’t go away. I’ve tried the painkillers, escaping, alcohol, drugs, I always hurt and I have to live with it and learn to be able to push through the hurt and pain and keep going with my life, although it sucks and drags me down every single day I have to pretend it’s okay. But I can’t explain this to people, I can’t explain to Alex why I pulled away, pushed him away when he touched my waist, like he just doesn’t understand. No one understands and it fucking sucks, because I want to not be this way anymore. I want to be able to enjoy a relationship and be happy with a person but everything takes me back to that night and gives me massive flashbacks and it’s scary. Because I know the people I’m around won’t do that to me, they won’t put me through the same hurt, so they say, but it’s got nothing to do with them as a person. It’s me and my fucked up brain and the fact of how scared I am, scared of being hurt by people. I try to protect myself by pushing people away, but it makes it worse. I want to protect myself, and them, from me? But I hurt myself and if they care I hurt them too, but I try and play it off like it’s okay and that they didn’t mean that much to me because if I keep telling myself that, it’s true right? If I tell myself I’m okay, I’ll be okay, right? I lose everyone good around me by pushing them away so I don’t hurt, but it hurts so much more when you realise they weren’t going to leave you in the first place. That they were the person who actually cared. Who checked on you, made sure you got it through the night and actually gave a fuck. That’s what I’m scared of now. I don’t want to lose the one person I think actually gives a fuck, because I don’t know what I would do. Monica and I were talking the other day about biggest fears, and I said losing people. And she looked at me with such hurt in her eyes, because she has lost close people to her, her brother killed himself when he was 20, I think. She has a tattoo of a kingfisher for him, but that’s off topic. And Mon was saying that people are going to leave, die, that’s life and that’s what happens, but she said it doesn’t make it easier. Knowing that someone is going to leave you eventually doesn’t make when they actually leave any easier. I’m scared. I don’t want to lose the one good person in my life and I tried pushing him away but it didn’t work. He cares, I think. Genuinely. But he will leave one day, might not be this year, maybe not even the next but something will happen and he will go, and it hurts to think about. But my heart and head hurt a lot right now, I haven’t stopped crying while writing the entire evening and a crying headache is the worst, they hurt bad. So I’m going to switch the laptop off and sign out for the rest of the night, maybe just watch some of my TV show so I calm down, a before bed and b before I do something stupid, like putting a hole in the wall, or window, I’m good at that. But one last thing, I just want to be okay. When someone asks, “are you okay?” I want my genuine response to be “yeah I’m good!” or something, not “yeah I’m good” while wiping the tears away. Anyway, peace out for tonight. Miss Moses was extremely helpful this morning and she was saying the main thing at the moment is that I’m okay and have people around me to talk about it with. Which I do and that is really good but I also told her that I’m worried about being a burden and she said that’s okay. She asked who I talk to about things, like friends wise and I said Jay and she seemed so happy about that haha. Okay english was shitty, we were talking about getting lost in thoughts because of Fahrenheit 451, and then that led to drugs and alcohol and that just hurt a bit so I tried to play it all off as a joke and that it was okay but it’s not and it hurt and I wanted to leave but I can’t keep leaving class everytime something hurts me and upsets me but it still sucks regardless. Plus I don’t have a fucking laptop so I can’t even do my marketing mix assignment that literally the entire class is doing so i’m just trying to do the handout we got given but I can’t fucking focus as per usual and it sucks big time Been an interesting weekend so far, we had an interesting Friday night, broke two glasses, facetimed a guy I had a thing with for like 4hrs and we fell asleep together on ft lol, got drunk with Michol and J’aimee which was fucking fun, had to work all day today hungover and fucking over tired and felt like shit, work itself was rough and I didn’t feel up to it in general but I had to and I got mose of the shit done before 2pm which I was quite proud of, then I took Riley out to Monica’s for my weekly lesson and it was so fucking bad, like, the worst lesson and ride I’ve had on him in a while and it was so upsetting, I cried in front of Mon after because of how frustrated and upset I was/still am with him. He was such an absolute asshole for no reason and I feel so stuck with him at the moment, like we’re not going anywhere except backwards and none of us know what to do with him, he’s had the physio and now dentist and vet and there is nothing physically wrong with him, he’s just being an absolute brat and it’s so frustrating. Is so hard seeing people doing well with their horses that are so much easier to ride then Riley, like I just want a ride on him where I don’t have to worry about him rearing, me falling off, him injuring himself or me, like it fucking sucks that this is what I have to think of when riding him, like I can’t actually enjoy the horse and how he is going because I have to be so focused on him and everything around me so I can try prevent the worst which is so hard to do. I’m lost with what to do, I don’t know what is wrong with him and struggling to find options of what I can do to help make it better and help make Riley enjoy being worked and enjoy his job, I’m changing a few things up for next ride to try and make it better but it’s so hard to find the balance of if it’s him being naughty or him being sore or scared, he’s hard to tell and I’m trying as much as I can but mum does not fucking help the situation, at all. She gets pissed off at me when I speak my mind on the situation and just doesn’t understand the struggle of having to ride and deal with Riley which is frustrating because even Monica tries to explain it to her but she’s so stuck in her own ways being right and isn’t really open to other peoples advice? I guess? Plus she tells me I should look into selling him, like that would fucking happen. I may get frustrated and fucked off with him but he is an insanely talented young horse that has a very exciting future ahead of him but he is also one of the reasons I’m still around, like if I didn’t have Riley to work for and strive to bring the best out of him I don’t know where I would be. But speak of that, last night with Michol was scary, she had a massive breakdown and basically told me and J’aimee that if we weren’t there she probably would’ve killed herself. She was an absolute wreck and it was so fucking hard to be there and be strong for her so she would be okay but she did it and I’m proud of her. She seems to be a lot better tonight though so that’s good. But again it took me back to when I was there, fighting the battle except I was alone, and I did text someone, and they pushed me away. She basically told me it’s chill and to get over it, so I tried to tell Michol what I wanted to hear and needed to hear that night, I’m not sure if it helped or not. I felt so helpless in the situation, it’s scary. I hate the fact that my life has a lot of suicide involved in it, because that’s not a good thing. It doesn’t matter if it was attempts or if they actually ‘succeeded’ because that is still something they have to deal with and the people around them, and something I have to deal with that I’m learning to deal with and it’s not easier, I wish it was. I wish I could tell Michol and anyone else going through it that it gets better, I wish I could but I can’t. Because it gets better but it also gets worse and it hurts when it gets worse. It hurts so fucking much and you feel back at the place you were when it first happened, but you persisted then and you can persist now, because I’ve seen the lowest of lows, but also the highest of highs, and it’s those days full of highs that keep me persisting and fighting to be here no matter how hard it seems to get. I was telling Michol how it’s not an option and should never, and won’t be an option for her because there are people out there who are willing to listen and help her, like J’aimee and I did to the best of our ability and she kept brushing past it which made me think two things that I don’t want to ‘say’, because I know what it’s like to have one of them said about you and it hurts, but that’s just what popped into my head. But mum was such an utter bitch today, it made me so frustrated and just feel so fucking, alone?? Not alone but trapped, trapped with someone I can’t talk to about anything because as soon as I do I’m shut down and told to get over it basically, it sucks. And like this is what Miss Moses and I talked about briefly, is the fact that I want the type of relationship with my mum where I can tell her anything and she will listen and tell me what I need to hear, and help me out and be a mum, not just ignore the situation and tell me it’s not as bad as I think and that I’m overreacting when I personally feel like I don’t react enough to situations sometimes, but sometimes I do overreact to situations and that’s okay, but it’s definitely not overreacting all the time because sometimes I don’t react enough to situations because I don’t feel. It’s hard to explain but because I’ve been so hurt, I block things out. I try to put everything away but sometimes things get overpowering and overwhelming and just explodes at that moment and I can’t do anything about it. I can just try and keep things underwrap. But now the teachers have been told to keep an eye on me in class and if they see anything to talk to me or Miss Moses about it to make sure things are okay. I think that they’re concerned, them being Miss Moses and Elaine, that I’m going back to where I was 6 months ago but I am scared of that because that’s fucking rough. But things will be better now that people know the basics and have a small insight, I feel like it’s going to help in the long run? Fucking funny little sidestory, well maybe it’s not funny but annoying but anyway, it makes me laugh that I literally have to ask my mum if I can have a sleep in on the day I have to sleep in, she said yes but tells me I have to be fully done with my horses before 12, but I basically need an hour per horse, of just riding time, so then I need an hour prep before that to get them ready so that basically means I have to be out there around 9, which isn’t even a fucking sleep in because I’ll have to get up to get ready and shit before I even go outside, fucking grrr I haven’t had a sleep in in forever makes me madddd. But just pissed that I still have to wake up early lol fuck. Imagine. But also things feel weird at the moment with lots of people I guess, like everything seems right with so many people, but with the important people it all feels off and wrong just doesn’t seem right and I hate it, a lot because have I done something wrong? Have I pushed them away to the point where they’re starting to distance themselves? Have I hurt them? I don’t know and I don’t know how to ask them, or do I even ask? Or do I just move on and see if things go back to the way before? Ah so many questions that I just don’t have the answers to, but that’s okay and I’m trying to understand that better because I’m not going to know the answers to all the little things, but it’s when I don’t have the answers to the important big things, like the serious things. I need the answers to the big things because that’s what hurts me is not knowing how or what to do in big situations. I think the thing I struggle the most with not knowing was whether or not I killed B. Was it my fault? Did I hurt him to a point where he couldn’t live anymore? Was I a reason? I’ll never know and that hurts, an insane amount. I miss him. God I want him back. I want him to come back, I fucking miss him. So much. This is so unfair. Why him? So it’s been a pretty shit weekend, except for the fact I got a new sponsor which is extremely exciting, I can’t wait to see what happens on that side of things. But things with mum have been pretty rough this weekend, just struggling to stay around her and just be around her without arguing or fighting or it ending in tears, it’s hard. I spent some time with dad today though which was really nice, I feel like him and I have been quite distant recently and we’re normally pretty good so it was good to spend more time with him, he’s got court tomorrow and he’s winning a case he’s been trying to for the past 5 years so he can finally fucking ruin the Chesters, they’re the biggest assholes and basically tried to ruin dads life and our family, but he caught their bluff and took them to court on all the work shit they did to dad, and dad sent their company into liquidation I think it was last year, but yeah that’s a long story and I’m just super happy for him that he’s finally getting what he deserves because he’s work so hard his entire life for this company and everything he has. But mum on the other hand, fuck me she’s a bitch. I just can’t do anything right, at all. I talked to my dean and now my dad about this and funnily enough dad feels the same way! Like she tells us to do something, so we do it then we’re being asked what the fuck we’re doing and why we would even think of doing that, like it’s so hard to be around because she makes me feel like I’m not good enough more than I already do lol. Oh well. But a good side to this is that dad is understanding my problems and actually listening to me which makes me a bit happy, I just want mum to listen. Like that is all I want, is for her to listen. Oh well. FUCK I HAVE SO MUCH BUSINESS TO DO AND IT’S DUE AT 8.30AM SO I AM NOT SLEEPING TONIGHT HAH FUCK. “I just need you to know, I believe you, and I’m sorry that anything like that ever happened. It’s so is not fair” I love Maddy. She is the best. She completely randomly says this, after not talking all day. It means the world that at least someone believes me. I can’t fucking find it and it’s driving me insane and I just can’t and I don’t know where it is or what happened and it’s the last thing I got from him and I need it, it’s my last piece of him. Fuck I need to know where it is. I have so many questions and no fucking answers and it’s driving me more insane than I already am, considering what just happened. Fuck I have to write my entire business and it’s not going well, I can’t fucking focus, I feel so sick and I can’t do anything. I just can’t do it. I literally fuck up everything why can’t shit just go well for once, why can’t I just get the project done when I need to, why can’t I just have a normal fucking phone call and not put Jay through a fucking spiral ffs. I just want to be okay. I don’t know I can’t keep lying and making promises I can’t keep, and saying things I can’t keep because that hurts like a bitch. Always has, always will. THE FUCKING GEESE ARE GOING OFF THEIR NUT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD I MIGHT JUST FUCKING BREAK AT THIS POINT I DON’T KNOW Holy fuck I’m so tired and have had mad lack of sleep, like, didn’t sleep at all and I’m in the weirdest mood and quite possibly worst headspace ever but it’s fine it’s a good time I’m vibing. I just couldn’t switch off last night and couldn’t stop thinking and it sucked real bad and I just want to be fucking okay. And I want to stop thinking and feeling but I can’t I have double Spanish today and I want to cry, I’m not doing too fantastic mentally anymore. Last night was so hard and it was just a massive spiral and I feel so fucking lost and hurt and I just want it to all stop. Ok so I’m in double spanish and I talked to my teacher about my situation a bit but she didn’t seem to understand too well which sucks. I’m crashing as well lol, I’m so fucking tired I might go to the wellness and have a phat sleep because running on no sleep is no longer fun and I think I’m going insane, or am insane can’t quite tell anymore ahaha whoops. I’ve got oral class next period and I fucking hate it because I feel so stupid when we do oral, like I just hate speaking in spanish but it’s fine it’s a good time. I’ve got maths after break so I need to talk to my maths teacher as well, I just gotta let them all know a little bit of what is going on I guess? Well I don’t have to tell them anything but I think I’ll feel better if people can slowly get to understand that there is shit going on, just the ones that matter like my teachers who actually witness the times when shit isn’t good I guess. Mad hate for spanish and am definitely not taking it next year because I ain’t doing IB lmaoo, my mum was also such a bitch to me at break over the phone, she’s going behind my back and talking to people about my horse and the problems I’m having when I’m literally doing research and ringing people about different feeds and what to do with him and she just asks someone she shouldn’t be asking because they don’t know it all, not saying I do but I know my horse and I know the type of issues we’re having better than anyone else and when she talks to Tylor about it and just takes her word over mine anyday it fucking hurts, and I told her that on the phone and she just basically shut me down talking about it straight away which made me more upset and frustrated, I don’t really know where this is going but I’m just frustrated with her at the moment and I just want her to understand and I want to be good enough for her to trust my word and trust me on situations, not second guess my every single goddamn move. Like it just sucks constantly feeling this way. And people at the moment are so confusing, like Michol. She’s not even confusing she’s just frustrating, she says she’ll listen to me whenever I need and as soon as I open up and start to talk to her she shuts me down and talks about how her problems are worse than what I’m going through, so I shut down around her and stop talking about my shit then she asks me what’s wrong and why I’m not talking to her about things, then goes and does the exact same thing again? It’s just annoying and I’m being petty but oh well. Fucking J’aimee in sport studies today hahaha she was high asf all morning and came off it around break which cracks me up not gonna lie, but I did tell her she can’t do this shit at Kristin because she’ll get caught out, but like same so it’s chill, but I don’t do that anymore so vibes vibes vibes!! But I also get where she is at mentally because I used to get high at school all the time so I can’t really talk now can I? Lol oops. Fuck the bell just went which means oral class which SUCKS but usually the other half of the period is kinda fun so I guess that’s a good time lol. I have english last and I love english so that’s also good fun!! Hahahaha tomorrow is the day that Jay is stuck with me for 5 periods how fucking lucky is he right. Blessed. Bruh haha Alex is such a salty bitch, like don’t be a prick and just get over it in the nicest way possible, you say you want shit to go back to normal but I know if you actually did you wouldn’t just avoid me lmao. I apologised to you and don’t know what more I can do, being honest. I never wanted to hurt you and that definitely wasn't the intentions behind what happened but I just wish he would understand I wasn’t ready and it wasn’t personal lol. Fuck sakes boys are useless, exluding Jay I think he’s the only semi-useful boy around. Okay so you are very ‘useful’ I guess, you’re extremely important to me and you know that by now, I literally can’t put into words how much you genuinely mean to me and I wish I could because you deserve to know BUT I’m sure you do know because of the fact I can’t put it into words? Fuck I don’t even know lol but I just love you long time and find it hard to put it into words but bruh <3 Okay Michol you can fuck right off, sick of you but also can’t leave you the way you are because you’re not good and if I leave will you kill yourself? It’s unnecessary for you to be a bitch to me when I’m just trying to help, so if you wonder why we’re distant, not that she’ll ever read this, it’s your own fault. I keep fucking up everything and just want a solid friendship with people, I think the two genuine friendships I have are Jay and Maddy and I love them a lot, but I just want to be able to sit with a group of people and feel like I’m welcomed there? I guess? I don’t really know and it’s hard. I feel like I fuck up every time I start to build a friendship because of someone I become friends with, like Tash and Michol, they’re actually very similar people and it’s hard because am I the same as them? Am I a magnet to them because we act the same? Am as I toxic as them? Am I toxic? I just want to know because I’m so fucking scared of losing Jay, I know he’s going to read this but I don’t care, I’m so fucking scared of losing him. He is the most genuine person in my life and I don’t know how I got so lucky to be friends with him, like I don’t fucking understand how, or why lol. But I’m grateful for him every single day and just appreciate him a fuckton because he does things like he does last night and listens to my verbal spam for 45 minutes when he should be doing business, listens to me sobbing about Lachie possibly fucking killing himself, Jay has done an insane amount for me and I just realised that a lot over the past week or so, and also when we talked about the fact we haven’t stopped talking since camp made me realise so many things, like damn okay. Anyway just extremely thankful to have him in my life and even though he’s a bitch I love him and I’m a little shocked he’s stuck around for this long because not many people would, I’m not an easy person to be friends with. It’s gone and I have no hope and it fucking sucks. I feel like I lose pieces of B every single goddamn day and it hurts so bad. So fucking bad. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s been such a shit day and I come home and mum just starts on me as per usual, like please just leave me alone. Please, I’m hurt enough as is. This afternoon has been shit, up until about 6.25pm when I sat in the kitchen with my speaker and had an absolute sing along while prepping dinner with mum and texting Jay so it was actually quite vibey ngl, but dad had a bit of a long day spending it all in court about this work thing, he said it went well but confusing and sounds so complicated, he seems so stressed out and I hate seeing him like this, and mum makes it worse all the time so it’s hard for him. But even though mum’s a massive bitch I’m learning to stick up for myself to her! I’m not letting her treat me like shit anymore and yeah it doesn’t end well most of the time and I probably end up more hurt than I was in the first place, I gotta do it? OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY BIG FUCKING DAY HERE TEAM I AM FEELING A BIT HAPPY!!!!! Probably tmi so move on. One of my smaller scars from Daniel hurting me when I said no HAS FINALLY FADED SO IT’S BARELY NOTICEABLE AND I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY I CRIED IN THE MIRROR TODAY BECAUSE I CAN ACTUALLY LOOK AT IT AND YEAH BIG VIBES!!! I want to get a tattoo over it anyway, because it’s on my hip. I don’t know what yet though but it’s a big exciting moment lol! I’m starting to understand some things and learning to accept and move on and it goes well some times!! But some things I can’t at the moment and that’s okay, and I think the big thing is that I’m okay, with not being okay at the moment. Like it’s okay not to be okay, you don’t have to be happy all the time because it’s hard and sometimes you can’t fake a smile and that is okay. I hate everything. I’m so fucking done, I’m so fucking mad at Alex. I can’t believe he’s telling people we slept together when nothing even fucking close to whathappened, it makes me so frustrated and hurt and upset because he knows me and he knows the shit I’ve been through so why be a dick and hurt me when he knows what he said and did would? It took such a massive toll on me today and science was so fucking bad, everything still is fucking bad though. My maths teacher asked what happened to my hand and I didn’t want to answer her lol so I just made up some bs excuse that I scratched it over the weekend lol yikes. But fuck things are rough at the moment, I don’t think I’ve ever been so fucking low at school and I have English first with Alex which sucks, because do I say something to him? I don’t know what to do. It’s just a shitty situation as per usual. But Jay was the best today as per usual, I don’t know what would’ve happened if I didn’t have him there with me today, it was hard with him there let alone without him. Fuck I sound needy lol. I’m just so lost and feel fucking alone at the moment, I feel like I only have one genuine person in my life and it’s shitty :(. Anyway I came home from school and did some business studies because I enjoy accounting and balance sheets and I did that then got mad stressed and lost in my thoughts as per usual so I grabbed my vape then mum walked in on me and yelled and me and kicked me out into the rain but I complained it was wet and cold so I got let back inside yay. But my heart, head and entire body hurt and I can’t tell what I want or need. I think I want to stop feeling. I’m sick of hurting all the time, so peace out. We fuck with crying yourself to sleep at 7pm when you were meant to be going out but you decide to stay home because you feel insanely sick and so antisocial and you wake up at 8pm for no reason and feel wide awake, woah vibes. I had a bit of a chat with Georgia about lots of things before and it felt quite good tbh because now I can focus on other things with other people and not my stupid life lol. Also I did so much business studies before and it actually felt really good about it because I love it at the moment and kinda understand accounting so that’s fun. But I did like 5 of the balance sheets that I don’t even know when we’re gonna start them in class so that’s fun times lol. But mums making me go to school early tomorrow because she wants me to ‘get out of the house asap’ so I’m getting dropped off with Georgia when she goes to work at like 7am so I’ll be there so fucking early and probably just do more business studies because I love it at the moment lol. Fuck you and fuck everything you put me through. I hate you so fucking much. English has been so shit, Jnav mentioned suicide and overdosing, wanting to escape etc and that hit me so hard. It sucks So I haven't written here in a while, didn’t have my laptop and just decided it was unnecessary but I have some things on my mind and the moment and it’s hard. Things have been going pretty well recently and I’m genuinely happy for the first time in a while? Like yeah I have shit days and days where I’m sad but so does everyone. I’m losing the shitty urges to do stupid shit, I’m getting better but I haven’t done it alone and I’m also not out of the woods yet, I’ve got more things to overcome and open up about, but that’ll take time and I’m not letting those things put me down, I’m not letting them define me and who I am anymore because that’s fucking bullshit and it sucks when that happens. I also know you’re either reading as I go, or you will read this eventually but fuck it. Things with Jay have been so good recently except for the stupid shit I do. I get pissed off with him over things he doesn’t even know about and it’s unfair of me, I’m trying to get better and letting things be the way they are and just going with the flow because I don’t want to push him away. I guess I need to actually tell him everything, everything that happened the night my life was ruined I guess? Because it explains things about who I am and why I react the way I do to situations. But I’m also scared of letting people know what actually happened those nights because I don’t want them to, leave? Be weirded out? I don’t even know but it scares me and talking about it scares me. But I’m madly vibing with things at the moment too and want to keep them as they way they are I think? But okay side note is the fact that Jay made my day before and I don’t think he realised how much of a massive impact what he said had on me, it meant the absolute world and I may or may not have cried about it. But I also think that because I’m doing well at the moment, I should stop writing on this doc, or at least until I genuinely need to maybe? Just writing on here sometimes gets me lost in my thoughts and feeling a bit shit but also lets me get my thoughts out and not be a burden to those around me? I guess? OKAY BUT FUCKING MICHOL OH MY GOD I HAVE SO MUCH, HATRED? EMOTION? FOR HER?!! She fucking SUCKS at listening and no matter how much she says she’s there for me or for anyone and wants to listen, she just makes it about her and how her problems are so much worse and she’s got it worse, LIKE NO DUDE SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE NO ONE ASKED I JUST WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO ME RANT FOR 5 MINUTES PLEASE!!!!! FUCK SHE JUST GETS ON MY NERVES SOMETIMES AHHH. But yeah anyway, I do appreciate her and think she is a great friend most the time, but not the type of friend like Jay who I can talk to about everything with? Like with her I just gotta keep it all together I guess? But with Jay I can show ‘the real me’ I guess lol I don’t know. Gonna kill the vibe a little bit I guess, I’m just pissed that my parents, well mum actually. I get along really well with my dad. But anyway I’m just pissed she constantly tells me I’m not good enough because it fucking sucks and really hurts but I don’t know how to make it better, because I’ve tried what people have said and talk to her like “when you say this, it makes me feel upset” or something like that because that’s what I’m feeling and she can’t take that away from me, but she just gets all defensive and bitchy about my emotions and basically tells me to get over myself lol mad vibes. Anywayyyy gonna have a break because I’m in a good mood and want to keep it that way so yeah!! Fuck Chrissie. Fuck everything. I’m so sick of hurting and I just want to be good enough for someone. Just one fucking person to tell me I’m good enough for them and actually fucking mean it because it sucks big time. Fuck I’m not good. This is the worst it’s been in a while and I hate it and I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t felt this low or in this bad of a mental space in ages and I don’t know what set it off or what is actually happening. That feeling is back, tight chest and feeling like I can’t breathe and everything is just closing in and I’m losing control all over again but this hasn’t happened in ages and I don’t like it and I want it to go away, please. I just want everything to go away and to stop and to just fucking stop. I fucking hate this and I hate this feeling and it sucks. I’m lost again. I don’t know what to do and I’m scared of what I might do. I was doing good, great even before tonight and I don’t know what set this off and I want to know because everything has been fine recently. Fuck sakes I’m so done. I feel like things are always changing or off or shit just isn’t right and I don’t like change, I don’t cope well with change and it fucks me over everyday because I’m the one thinking things are changing when they’re fine or even slightly off and it sucks. I want to understand the people around me but I can’t even understand myself, but I guess that makes me want to understand them more so that I can distract myself from the fact I don't know anything and I don’t know myself. Sometimes I feel like Jay gets me more than I get myself sometimes and that’s weird, but I also think he doesn’t then I get frustrated and pissed because I want him to understand but he can’t and no one can and it’s just hard trying to get people to understand when I don’t even myself? This makes no sense and I don’t even know what this is about anymore, just hurting and confused and fucking lost but also not????? It’s fucked up. I keep letting myself down majorly and it sucks. I’ve already done something stupid that I’m mad at myself for doing, because I’ve been okay but it all just happened so fast and I lost control and it just happened. It feels like shit and I’m so mad at myself. I just hate everything I do at the moment and just want to enjoy things? I just want to be “normal”. I just don’t know anymore, what’s the point of all of this? Of all this fucking pain and hurt? Why? I’m so over it all, holding on to the few little good things, they keep me going but if I lose them I don’t know what to do. Fucking wholesome lol, mad mood changer and I live for it. Literally love it. Don’t know where I’d be without a certain person and he definitely knows who he is, but fuck I’m lucky. But it makes me scared, how? Why? Why did I get so lucky? Is it pity? Is he going to leave too? Even if he doesn’t want to leave, or says he won’t, what happens when I push him away? And push him so fucking away he won’t come back, won’t fight anymore. What happens then? It scares me. Being happy, feeling content, it’s scary. When is everything going to go bad? When is it going to change? I don’t like change. I extremely don’t like when people leave, that’s the worst kind of change and it stresses me out even thinking about it, you know? Thinking about the whens, and what ifs, and hows, it’s all scary. Because while people say to not think of these things, they’re always an option that some people are going to take, so I have to prepare for them, prepare for anything, all the scenarios. My mum says prepare for the worst, hope for the best. So I do, and that’s been the way I’ve grown up. Thinking and planning for all the terrible, heartbreaking scenarios and hoping it works out. But there’s been heartbreaking things that I didn’t plan for and they destroyed me, that’s why I’m scared of him leaving. Because if I prepare for it, I’ll push him away more, but if I don’t prepare and he leaves, it’ll wreck me. I’m just at a crossroad with many things and feeling very lost and hurt but that’s okay, it’s okay not to be okay, right? This will blow over, it’s just a phase. I was actually thinking about something Maddy put on her story and it’s things people say to victims when they don’t believe them, and I’ve heard all of them once before and they’re fucking heartbreaking. But hearing Maddy say she believes me, genuinely, just made me feel like someone cared. At least one person believes me and my story I guess. Some of the things said were like, “What were you wearing?” “It’s attention seeking” “Stop lying that didn’t happen” “Just get over it” “It never happened” “Nothing really happened” “Just stop talking about it” “I don’t believe you” Someone, being my mother, straight up saying “I don’t believe you” was the hardest thing I’ve had to listen to, and well that’s not true actually. The hardest thing I’ve ever heard was the phone call from B’s mum, confirming what I thought, what I knew. He was gone, and he wasn’t going to come back and there was absolutely nothing I could do to change it, and it fucking sucked, that broke me. I’ve been broken by a lot of things really, it’s been a rough 2 years but maybe things can’t get worse, so they have to get better right? Right? I hate being tired but not being able to switch off, not being able to fucking sleep or just stop for a night. It’s fucking dumb and really fucking annoying, because during school and shit I’m tired then I come home and I’m wide awake, probably cause thats when I get all my thinking time and time to sit here and get lost in my thoughts, lol. Anyway I should probably stop writing here for a bit because it’s sending me on a bit of a spiral and I’ve already spiralled once today and I don’t want to relapse, again. “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming” - Dory, Finding Nemo. “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift. That is why we call it the present” - A.A. Milne. “And, and I look at you, and I.. and I’m home. Please, I don’t want that to go away” - Dory, Finding Nemo. “Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it” - Rafiki, The Lion King “The very things that hold you down, are going to lift you up” - Timothy Mouse, Dumbo. “If you want to leave, you can. I’ll remember you though. I remember everyone who leaves” - Lilo, Lilo & Stitch “I don’t want to survive, I want to live” - Captain, Wall E I’m so fucking sick of losing people, it hurts every single fucking time and I can’t stop them, I can’t stop her killing herself, I can’t stop him leaving, it sucks and it scares me more than I can explain. I hate this so much. No me gusta el español en este momento porque Alex está en mi clase y me cuesta aprender con él. Ha sido tan molesto y me hace frustrado. Spanish tings Nunca me he preocupado o me he sentido tan mal en mi vida. Realmente ya no me gusta esto. Amo tanto a esta persona y duele tanto sabiendo que la lastimé. Quiero que esto esté bien. Te amo, mucho. Big good times is that feeling when everything just closes in and I feel trapped, I dislike it but it’s getting better, slowly. Fun times because the Morrisby thing we’re doing in L4L gave me police officer as my number one job option which is literally what I want to do so that’s cool, could be good, could be good. This weekend has been a massive eye opener for me, showing me that although I may say I’m okay, and I’m fine, I’m not. I’m heading back down a shitty path and it scares me, it started a few weeks ago, when I self harmed again for the first time in a while, and I never really took that as a warning sign. But this weekend, I did something I did at a very low point which was rough, I spent any down time I had in my room, in my bed, in the dark, basically trying to sleep the hours away because I can’t stand to be awake with my brain. Using “I’m tired” as my excuse for being quiet, when I’m lost and hurting and really wanting someone to notice I’m not okay, and that I’m tired, but that I’m tired of hurting and tired of living. Because it’s hard saying that and trying to be okay when I’m not and nothing I do seems to make it better anymore. I hate that I’ve just realised I’m going back to a shitty place, but it’s different to the last time, like around camp time, it’s different to that. It’s similar to what happened after I tried to commit, just not being able to face anyone. Sleeping the days away, not even wanting to get out of bed in the morning, now not even wanting to ride the horses. I’m just losing myself and it sucks and I’m scared. But I’ve gotten through this before, it’s basically just a waiting game for things to become right in my mind again. She’ll be right. A massive good time is when I thought that I could trust you with everything, thought you were going to stick by my side and be a genuine person but I’ve realised that you’re the fakest of bitches I’ve ever met. The shit you told me was never true, you’re just an attention seeking whore. Telling me that you were always here to listen and be there for me but the goddamn fucking second I start talking about my shit you tell me how much worse you’ve got it, how that my problems aren’t nearly half as important as yours. I get that you have it shitty and that you were going through, or say you’re going through because I can’t trust a goddamn word that comes out of your mouth. But whatever the fuck is going on in your life, doesn’t ever mean you get to make other peoples problems not matter and not important, because no matter how stupid it may sound sometimes people just need to vent about what’s going on and just need someone to listen. You are the most self centered bitch I’ve ever met, and I’ve met my fair share of people. I’ve been trying to make excuses for you, and make it okay for you to treat me and those around you the way you do, but there is no fucking excuse for that and it’s not okay, and will never be okay. You need to get your shit together and grow the fuck up before you fuck more things up, because if you keep doing the stupid bullshit you do, you’re going to wreck so many good things that you might have going for you. You need to fucking learn when to shut up and watch your mouth, because that’s where you go wrong. It’s unfair the shit you put other people through because of your own self issues, all the stupid fucking crying and “mental breakdowns” you have at lunch are for fucking attention, if you were genuinely hurting, and if you genuinely wanted to die you wouldn’t fucking tell everyone that you self harmed, when everyone knows that you don’t, that you just try and say it to be “that girl”. Because being the damaged girl is like a fucking personality trait to you isn’t it? Being broken, being hurt, it’s all fun and games. I wish you realised that you did this to yourself, you pushed everyone away to a point where they don’t want to come back and to a point where they don’t want to fight for you anymore, because they’re sick of the bullshit and the fucking compulsive lies, it’s ridiculous and you just need to get the fuck over it all. But god the fucking lies, the bullshit you tell everyone to try and make it out like you have a good life, when you’re really just a normal fucking teenager who wants attention. But you get attention, just all the wrong kind. No one at Kristin fucking likes you and I wished you realised that, because everyone I’ve talked to has absolutely dogged you, saying how much of a bitch you are, and how annoying and fucking rude you are. And they were right, I just wish I saw it sooner before I opened up to you about my life and about the shit I’ve been through and put myself through. But I’m glad you’re out of my life, it was more of a burden being friends with you than not, you just constantly hurt and annoy and upset those around you and you don’t even see it. You’re oblivious to the shit you do and I want you to realise it. I want you to realise and understand everything you put people through and I want you to understand that it isn’t okay, and that you can’t keep doing it. The fact that one of the first interactions I had with you, was the fact you were ‘raped’ makes me laugh. Makes me believe that you weren’t, that it’s not true and all bullshit because opening up about that shit is fucking heartbreaking and insanely hard to do. But you did it with such ease, you laugh about it and bring it up on a daily basis, it’s like you want everyone to know that you were sexually assaulted, that you’ve been hurt before but you’re going about things in the completely wrong way and just making it out to everyone that you’re doing it for attention and you don’t actually hurt about these things anymore. GO FUCK YOURSELF MICHOL I’M SO OVER ALL YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT, YOU AND NATASHA ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE PEOPLE!!!!!!! FUCK BOTH OF YOU AND I HATE YOU BOTH SO FUCKING MUCH. I love Miss Moses though, an absolute legend. She listens to everything I say and actually cares about what I say and what goes on in my life, she understands where I’m coming from and genuinely wants to see me happy. I told her about my school holidays and how I’ve worked all of them since 2018 and she said she’s worried I’m going to feel trapped and alone over the break. She said it’s important that over the weekends I make time to hang out with my friends that I’m close with and that I need to invest in the right people in my life, not try and make the shitty people feel better and make them better people, because I’ll never be able to do that fully and I can’t make other people's lives better and I can’t make them happy no matter how much I try to or try to listen to their problems, I have to make my life better otherwise I’m just going to go downhill. Miss Moses just wants to make sure I’m okay and it feels good having a listening adult in my life who cares and yeah. I feel bad, not sure what terms I’m on with Jay at the moment and it’s confusing the shit out of me, I can’t tell if he’s pissed or what. Yikes. In a very fucked up headspace at the moment and just insanely worked up. Agitated? I can’t fucking focus or sit still and these stupid fucking thoughts won’t stop running around my head and I hate it. I just overthink everything and I’m tired and fucked off and just don’t know what to do. Thank you to Thomas for asking if I was okay when you came out, I appreciate it big time. God if I end up in jail we all know why, fucking murder charges. Fucking Natasha and Michol are driving me insane, I can’t be in the same fucking room with either of them without being so close to losing my shit, I had to walk away many times at break or I was gonna go off at Tash, I still think I will at some point lol. She’s just so fucking obnoxious all the time and doesn’t fucking understand when someone says to basically fuck off, like how has she not realised that none of us like her hahahah. So I’ve been thinking and contemplating a shit ton of things recently and it hurts realising these things. I fucking hate not being okay and not being able to explain to anyone why I’m not okay, because I don’t even know. Mum took my fucking phone off me for no reason, she just took it when I got home and it’s now 7.15 and I still don’t have it and I don’t know why and she’s just been a complete and utter bitch to me all afternoon and I fucking hate it because I don’t know where I went wrong. Today was such a shit day, I just got so fucking overwhelmed and lost and hurt in basically all of my classes and I hated it. I had to leave English because I just burst into tears sitting at my table and Jnav came out and kind of got pissed off with me over it and asked me to explain what was wrong and what was making me feel like that but I couldn’t explain because I didn’t even know. It just sucks at the moment and I want it to be better but I don’t know how to make it better and I’m scared. I feel like no one genuinely cares/likes me at the moment and I fucking hate it, not feeling like I have a genuine bunch of people, just one or two people who know who they are, but regardless of everything I will still question it and question myself because I don’t fucking deserve these people in my life, like I don’t know why they’re here or why they’ve stuck around and sometimes it makes me feel confused and just lost all over again. And then this bullshit leads me to fuck up the only good friendships and relationships I have because I’m scared of trusting and scared of them leaving because that’s what I’m used to and I hate it. Had a good time on the bus though, I fully went off at Tash’s brother for being a little prick and yelled at him basically from the minute he got on the bus to the minute he got off and J’aimee found it the funniest shit ever, I was fucking mad at everyone so I took it out on Nate hahahha oops oh well he deserved it, stupid little dickhead. And guess what I’m crying again. Mum made me go sit out there with everyone while they had dinner that I wasn’t allowed, then made me do all the dishes and is just blackmailing me with my phone and the fact I don’t have it, saying that if I don’t do this I won’t get it back and shit and it sucks. Plus she’s being a major hypocrite and doesn’t realise how much she’s hurting me and the fact I’m sitting at my desk, shaking, crying and hurting all because of her, well not just because of her but she’s hurting me so much and I’m just so upset. I feel so sick from crying and my head hurts and everything hurts and I don’t know what to do anymore. I fucking hate it. I don’t want to keep doing this and keep hurting because I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m a fucking wreck and not getting better and no matter how hard I try it just gets worse and I’m struggling to find a point in everything anymore. What is the point when everything just brings me hurt? I haven’t been this much of a wreck in a while, I haven’t stopped crying or shaking for ages and I feel so sick and I’m so hurt and I can’t even talk to Maddy about it because I don’t have my phone and Jay’s busy studying and I feel so fucking low. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I feel so fucking alone right now and I just need to hear someones voice but I don’t know who and I don’t even have my fucking phone. So mum just came in here and yelled at me and made everything 100x worse, woohoo. Sometimes I remember why I liked him… - Maddy Toby is a cunt there you go - Maddy Hello yes it's me again, i miss talking to Ben so much and need to talk to him more -Maddy So I’ve realised why I fuck a lot of things up, and push people away, because I overthink every little thing and every single possibility and never actually appreciate things when I have them, and I panic about losing them and thinking about reasons why they might leave? Anyway writing on this is sending me downhill so peace “You ever wonder what we could have been? You said you wouldn't and you fucking did Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed” “Well, funny you're the broken one But I'm the only one who needed saving” “It hurts a lot when you feel like you’re annoying the one person you actually talk to, and then you have the sudden urge to push them away even though they mean the world to you, you just wanna push them away before they push you away.” I’m in such a weird place mentally at the moment and I don’t really know what’s going on, it sucks and I’m confused and I really hate it. Woah am not functioning and shaking What the actual fuck, I’m so confused and hurt right now. I cried the entire way through science and now on the bus. woohoo “If I showed you my flaws, if I couldn’t be strong tell me honestly, would you still love me the same?” Please just fucking talk to me, what the fuck is going on? This is fucking killing me and I need answers but I don’t know if I’ll get any and it sucks. Please just talk to me. It’s 6pm and I haven’t stopped thinking about this since 6th period and I fucking hate it. I just need you to talk to me and you’re not answering and I don’t know what's going on. God this sucks and I don’t know what’s going on and I really dislike this. I'm just so confused and lost. HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU’RE MOTHER FUCKING KIDDING ME THAT JUST HAPPENED Mind fucking blown, I’m so fucking happy right now it’s actually crazy. Like I thought I had my thoughts straight but then we started talking about things and I guess I just realised how much I truly love him, and the fact I wanted more but I didn’t think he wanted the same but woah. Crazy. Absolutely wild. Just so fucking happy like I didn’t realise how much of an impact this had until like now, and this is fucking great 30th June <3 FUCKING GOOD DAY AM HAPPY but yeah idk things just seem right at the moment and I’m not worried about Alex or Michol or anything like that at the moment and I’m just enjoying things and idk it’s just good shit!! Big fucking vibes! Except my trig internal is fucking aids and I hate it and I don’t get maths but it’s chill chill chill.. Wait so what’s fucking wild is the fact I’m just happy constantly rn and thats weird but loving it I had my heart set on the right person at the wrong time and I knew it. It has always been, right person wrong time, and wrong person right time. And when it was the wrong person I knew who the right one was and I just had to wait. But now I think it’s finally the right person, and the right time and I just feel so content with him and he makes me undoubtedly happy and it’s weird because I literally feel safe when I’m with him or around him, and I love it. Just feeling very lucky at the moment. How the fuck did I get so lucky Fuck I’m so happy. I can’t get over this and shit’s just right at the moment and I’m so fucking stoked with this. Literally such good times and it just feels right!! Everything does and I feel very content with life at the moment “I met you in the dark, you lit me up You made me feel as though I was enough” “Love can heal, loving can mend your soul And it's the only thing that I know, know I swear it will get easier, Remember that with every piece of you” I usually overthink everything but this is the one thing where I feel everything is as it’s meant to be and I love it, I finally feel like I have my people, the ones who actually care & the ones I care about. I finally feel like I belong. I was reading through the doc and I came across this line “B you fucking broke me, I need you to be happy. I needed you to be able to, to be able to fucking live.”. I don’t need him to be happy anymore, I’ve come to terms with it. It took a long time but it also took a certain person in my life who’s helped me through everything, but I’m happy now. Genuinely happy, because of Jay and he knows that. I’m not saying I’m over everything that happened with B, I miss him. I always will, but I don’t think about it everyday anymore. I’m moving forward with my life and not looking back on what happened and what I could’ve done to change it all. And reading the first parts of the doc makes me realise how broken I was a month or two ago, but I’m doing so much better now, yeah the shit with mum still goes on and my life isn’t perfect but I’m getting back on the right track with everything and yeah. Life is good. So today has already been pretty shitty. Science was actually fun because we had Miss Simpson and it was just bloody chill, but I wasn’t at home most of last night/this morning because of reasons and so I forgot all of my maths shit I need and idk I just feel weird today, it’s funny realising how much of an impact a person has on you. Plus so many people know about this Pieta situation with Tash and it’s scary because Tash is figuring out there are other people who are talking about it and talking to Pieta and I just don’t want certain names dragged into this because it’s not looking too good, Tash is going to see her dean because she’s genuinely scared for her safety and she shouldn’t have to feel this way because it’s fucking scary. It’s just not the bestest of situations and doesn’t look too good for her and yeah I just want this to go away, I’m sure it will over the school holidays. Speak of school holidays I really can’t be bothered going to Monica’s, I love her but it’s such fucking hard work and she’s not an easy person to work for and it’s just a lot to do, I’ll probably go for most of the first week but I want to try and get out of the other weeks so I can actually spend some time with my friends and family, and actually have a break for once because I’m just tired of shit at the moment. I just don’t know how to tell Monica what’s going on and why I don’t want to come out and work this break but she won’t get it. I’ve just gotta pull through I guess? She’ll be right Looks like I’ve got another meeting with Miss Moses today ffs, shit was going well until now and it just hurts BUT it’s not as bad as it could be, so yeah. Focus on the good I guess? I’m kind of keeping my shit together for right now in maths which is a bit hard because my maths teacher wants to talk to me and it’s scary. Oh cool cool cool got asked if I’m high. Lol. No, was crying you fucking fool. I am happy “But what hurts a LOT is watching the person you’re in love with, fall for someone else and seeing them fall so deep in love, but always hoping it to be you” I’ve been thinking about this a lot and the self deprecation that goes on in my mind, it’s fucked. I fucking hate myself, my body, eveything about who I am, I hate it and want to change it and it makes me so fucking upset, that’s why I deleted instagram, because I couldn’t stop comparing myself to these stunning girls and asking why I couldn’t be like them, and hating myself more than I did before. It’s not jealousy, it’s self hate and it hurts. Seeing these girls even at school, they’re all beautiful and it sucks because I’m the way I am, so yeah. I just want to be good enough, in so many different ways. Woah. I’m a disappointment to literally everyone. What the fuck? Holy fuck holy fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I am so happy and I already miss him and it’s been three hours but I don’t care. I just love him so much. “I was looking for someone to put up with my bullshit” I haven’t been this fucked up in a while, it’s real rough. I’m hurting real bad and everything sucks. The fuck is the point anymore? Been a hot second since I’ve been on this doc, really fucked up about so many things and I don’t know what to do. I just feel lost and really confused with everything. I haven’t been this fucked up in a while, it’s real rough. I’m hurting real bad and everything sucks. The fuck is the point anymore?